Saturday, April 28, 2012

the death of desire

i've heard it said that satisfaction in the death of desire.  but there are a lot of other things that can kill it too.  things like constant inefficiency of other people that hinder every. single. fucking. thing. that you have to do on a given day.  or just the general incompetency of other people.  or their lack of self-awareness.  or the mountain of debt that keeps growing and growing and growing, while you are made to do things that are unnecessary and cumbersome.

i went to see "jiro dreams of sushi."  it was every bit as good as i had hoped.  it also made me really sad. it was basically a documentary about what you have to do to be the very best at something.  you have to give your  whole self to it.  you have to devote your whole life to it.  and you can't complain.

it made me sad because i remember what it was like to love my job that much.  i remember what it was like to work in an environment where what mattered was how hard you worked.  now i feel like i work all the time and make no progress.  the only thing that happens is that i exhaust myself.  and then i start to hate everything.

and speaking of desire....

thursday was a very strange day.  i noticed that everywhere i went people were looking at me.  i went to eat dinner and the bartender remembered our entire conversation.  from a month ago.  he remembered what i study.  where i want to do fieldwork (if i even do).  that my parents were bummed about me potentially leaving the country.  he is very good looking, so i was very impressed.

then i went to the whole foods in hollywood.  i was looking at the shampoo and soap and i noticed that this guy was there every time i turned around.  finally i looked up, annoyed, and he said "i hope you don't find this offensive, but i think you are just gorgeous."  i started laughing.  no one ever says things like this to me, so i thought he was making fun of me.  he was also quite good looking (and i am not exaggerating). i point this out because it just isn't the same if the person who is telling you how you how great you isn't actually great themselves.  superficial compliments just mean more when the person saying them is attractive.


then i was walking to my car and i was looking at my reflection and this completely different guy is allll "you look so pretty, what are you worried about?"  say what?

then i run into the first guy in the parking lot and he remarks that it probably seems as though he is following me and how he also hopes that he didn't offend me by saying how beautiful i was.  and i at that point i explained that no one ever says things like that to me and how i thought he was just making fun of me.  or something. and he assured me that wasn't the case.  and started telling me that i have beautiful eyes and great legs.

it was fucking trippy.  like the twilight zone.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

(trying) to play it as it lays

i woke up this morning to the strangest sound.  in my mind i thought "listen to the leaves blow across the sidewalk," but then i realized that the leaves never really fall off the tree here except for the two days or so in late november when fall happens.  it's as if we have all fall in a day.

the sound i heard was rain.  it's rained a lot this year.  or at least it seems that way.

i decided to take the day off.  i decided this yesterday, before it started raining.  i have to go to LA anyway, so i decided to go early and see a movie.  i really want to see "jiro dreams of sushi" and i want to see it badly enough that i am going to drive out to the westside where i almost never go.  that's the only place it's playing though.  i just don't like going different places sometimes.

i do not thrive under conditions of uncertainty.  in fact, i really can't function at all.  people like to make this huge distinction between situations of risk and situations of uncertainty.  conceptually, the difference is totally real.  what is also totally real is that we created it.  we constantly try to force order onto chaos.

i would be happier if i resigned myself to the awkwardness of life. but i cannot.

Friday, April 13, 2012

a dissertation topic or a boyfriend. i'll take either.

i can't seem to get either comfortable or satisfied today.  i don't want to do work.  there's nothing on netflix to watch.  or, rather, there's nothing i am contented to watch.  i've tried watching like a thousand different things today, but i can't seem to commit to any of them.  i tried watching 'the united states of tara,' but there's something not quite funny about dissociative identity disorder.  i mean, i know it seems as though it would be hilarious, but it just isn't so.  to be fair, however, it might  be the case that i saw diablo cody's name and became uninterested.  she's just so...gauche.  and her movies, while not terrible (i never saw 'jennifer's body'), are usually marred by some underlying awkwardness that make them almost painful to watch, but not in a good way.

i can't commit to anything these days. not a dissertation topic.  not whatever i'm reading.  not even something to eat for dinner. it's frustrating.

i have a horrible fear of investing myself into anything.  after the things that have happened in my life over, say, the past five years or so, i just don't have that much left.  and i'm scared.  the pain of having invested time and energy and...self into certain things and then losing them has left me this way.  i literally have to get up every day and tell myself again and again that it wasn't my fault.  that i'm a good person.  that i deserve to be happy too.  like my ex-boyfriend.  like the other.  like the people i know that got to parlay all of their hard work into something better, while i lost things that i loved.  and  i did use to love what i did.  more than anything.

i made the best decisions i could.  the information was imperfect and incomplete.  there were things i had no way of knowing.  i should have known them, but i supplemented my normal skepticism with trust.  the trust that people who were supposed to look out for my interests, were indeed doing so.  but the truth is that no one is looking out for your interest.  not really.  at the end of the day, people want what they can get.

this thinking bleeds over into any relationship i even think about having.  people keep telling me things like 'oh, you're just not open.  you have to be willing to be open to relationships.'  it's not as easy as all that, though.  i am open, but i'm super scared.  i hate feeling that way.  i hate wondering why someone hasn't called me back. i hate caring what other people think.  i hate wanting attention.  i hate not being in control.  i hate being alone.  i hate being stuck.


Saturday, April 7, 2012

craving, not having

i am ruled by cravings.  i am also a cancer, which means i am ruled by the moon.  saturn and mars are in retrograde.  times is ill.

i wanted more time to work on my dissertation, but now i am adrift.

i am plagued by a constant feeling of missing something, but i don't know what that something is.  i keep trying to pacify myself with different things.  but i do not find the contentedness i seek. not in the new dresses that came in the mail yesterday.  not in the dress from anthropologie that was way too expensive, but looked too good on me to not buy.  not in the bacon double cheeseburger i had for dinner.  not in the tom collins i drank after the burger. not in the cigarettes i smoked one after another, as i drank.

my massive aversion of commitment is bringing me down, above and beyond just relationships. a friend asked me over dinner when i was going to find a boyfriend.  i said when i found someone worth dating.  when i find someone that doesn't bore my to fucking death, then perhaps i'll consider it.

i'm not really so worried about that.  i think the only reason it bothers me so is simply the pressure of social convention.  and the fact that i am the only single person i know.  it's hard being the only single person at the table sometimes.  but i'm not about to settle.  i mean...why should i?  there's just no reason for it.

but that's not even the point.  i can't even commit to a project topic.  i'm terrified to commit to a topic, in case it doesn't work out.  because i put myself into everything i do and it hurts to put yourself into something and then have it not work out.  and here, you just never know.  people, like people that are supposed to have your interests in mind, will tell you one thing and then completely defect on you.  i've seen it happen.  so it leaves you in a bit of a sticky wicket when it comes to getting things done.  or even starting things.

i can't even start.
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