Monday, February 20, 2012

just tell me i'm pretty...

last night i took some time off.  by this, i mean that i stopped working at 8 and went to watch tv at someone's house.  i say someone, because i don't know what to call them, for while it is true that they are my friend, they might be more than that.  i don't know what they are.

i've been hanging out with them for a while.  we go out.  we watch tv.  we go to the drive-in.  we smoke and drink champagne.  we go to get boba tea and to yogurtland.  we argue about ideas.  all of my favorite things.

but not one time has this person ever shown any indication that they like me in any way other than as friends.  even though they never say no to hanging out.  even though they always say encouraging things to me. even when i bring up things that i think are very bad about myself.

for example, we were talking one day about borderline  personality disorder.  and i brought up the fact that i only know what that is because someone that i was in love with told me that i had it.  and how they always made me feel like i was crazy.  but i don't think that i am.  obviously, this was an excruciatingly painful thing to have to say about myself, because what if that person was right?  what if i am completely crazy? the extent that i can never have a relationship?

but this new person seemed unperturbed by this and simply commented that it is like this a lot in relationships.  that sometimes he had been the crazy person and sometimes the other person was the crazy person and that sometimes it even changes between the two people.

and lately every time we hang out, as we are sitting on the couch, simultaneously together and apart, i want to reach out across the  space that is in between us and touch them.  i just want them to touch me.  i just want them to put their arms around me.  and the entire time i am watching this tv show that i demanded that we watch, this is what i am thinking about.  about what if i breached that space.  what would they do?  is it possible that i've met the one straight guy on the planet that doesn't want to sleep with me?

and so i do nothing.  i just lie on the couch pretending to contemplate whatever we are watching.

and here is why.  i don't know what i want.  what if i am only reaching out to this person because, like the drunk girl at the bar, i just want some sort of affirmation?  what if i just want them to tell me i'm pretty or smart or whatever? what  if i'm just reaching out because they are there?

and since i don't know if what i'm doing, it would be unfair of me to reach out.  because, i fear that i will only make them miserable.  just like every other person that has had the unfortunate experience of trying to date or be with me.  and i know that they don't deserve that.  they are a good person.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

i am not an animal

i believe what i suffering from is a sever lack of autonomy over my...self.  all of my time is taken from me.  and mostly it is taken from me for things that in no way benefit me.  or the benefits are so small that the opportunity costs are far too great to ever make it worth it in the end.

my problem, of my problems (i have many), is that i'm not a satisficer.  i push myself to the limit.  i want the best.  so i take harder classes to challenge myself.  because i want to be the best.  but now i'm at the very end of what i can do.  mentally.  physically.  in every way.  i put my Self into everything.  and now i'm running out of Self.  i've got nothing left.  i've had nothing left for quite some time.  i just want a normal life.

so i've been getting more tattoos.  partly to even out my back, because asymmetry is a big problem for me.  but i also think it is an expression of my autonomy as a being in the world.  maybe it is my way of expressing my feeling that while these people  might take everything else i have, they cannot control everything about my life.  they can control what i study, how i spend my time, how much time i even have available to me to spend on anything.  but i am my own person.

or maybe i just want to feel something other than what i normally do.  like a cutter that just wants to be brought back to the reality of physical experience.

i think it's more the control thing though.

most days i feel like the elephant man in the train station.  i feel constantly beleaguered and pressed down upon by a hundred thousand different things.  all of them demanding a piece of me.  pieces i don't have to give...

i am NOT an animal.  i am a huuuumaaannn beeeeiiiing....     

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