Friday, July 27, 2012

some optimal degree of connectedness

i haven't written in a while.  i wanted to write, but it's been too hot. or i've been too tired.  or...it's always something.

but, as always tends to happen, my emotions get the better of me.  and i have no place to put them.  so i think that's what always drives me to write.  it's a way of externalizing things that cause me a lot of pain.

i'm gonna go ahead and admit that i stole the blog title from a statistics paper.  as much as i experience a severe degree of anxiety regarding actually interpreting results, i love theoretical math.  in particular, i have the greatest respect for people who instead of simply acknowledging the limitations of assumptions, reconfigure things and find a new way. or, at the very least, explore the restrictiveness to the nth degree in an illustration of the extent to which the restrictions are problematic.

that is a total aside.  i am beginning to believe that my optimal degree of connectedness is disconnectedess.  or unconnectedness.  the optimal degree would be....zero, i guess.

it is incredibly hard for me to get close to people.  it takes a lot of consistency, as in consistent behavior through repeated interactions over time.  i have to know someone is there, even when they aren't.  especially when they're not.

my day was painful from start to finish today.  someone hurt my feelings and as much as i know it isn't about them,  it doesn't hurt less.  i had to revisit some things that were not comfortable.  things that i can't tell to the person that triggered this without sounding completely ridiculous.  but it is hard keeping it to myself.  

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