Friday, July 27, 2012

some optimal degree of connectedness

i haven't written in a while.  i wanted to write, but it's been too hot. or i've been too tired.'s always something.

but, as always tends to happen, my emotions get the better of me.  and i have no place to put them.  so i think that's what always drives me to write.  it's a way of externalizing things that cause me a lot of pain.

i'm gonna go ahead and admit that i stole the blog title from a statistics paper.  as much as i experience a severe degree of anxiety regarding actually interpreting results, i love theoretical math.  in particular, i have the greatest respect for people who instead of simply acknowledging the limitations of assumptions, reconfigure things and find a new way. or, at the very least, explore the restrictiveness to the nth degree in an illustration of the extent to which the restrictions are problematic.

that is a total aside.  i am beginning to believe that my optimal degree of connectedness is disconnectedess.  or unconnectedness.  the optimal degree would, i guess.

it is incredibly hard for me to get close to people.  it takes a lot of consistency, as in consistent behavior through repeated interactions over time.  i have to know someone is there, even when they aren't.  especially when they're not.

my day was painful from start to finish today.  someone hurt my feelings and as much as i know it isn't about them,  it doesn't hurt less.  i had to revisit some things that were not comfortable.  things that i can't tell to the person that triggered this without sounding completely ridiculous.  but it is hard keeping it to myself.  

Thursday, July 5, 2012

nebulous clarity

yesterday was supposed to bring me clarity.  that is what all the horoscopes said, especially the so-called lovescopes that promised that i would know where i stood, that everything would become clear and it would be wonderful  and so on.   that efforts would pay off and hard work and that dedication in interpersonal relationships would yield clear results.

there was only one thing i wanted clarity on and with the full moon in capricorn, a moon that promises that things will become unstuck, i considered my desire to be reasonable.

i got clarity, but not the clarity i sought.

unable to get the validation i wanted from the person i wanted it from, which for me was the same as clarification, i was inspired to seek validation from someone i knew would give it to ex-boyfriend.  i realize that the desire for validation isn't the most attractive thing about my personality.  however, as far as seeking temporary validation, i consider that my ex to be semi-acceptable, given that he lives hundreds of miles from me and i have no real feelings for him other than nostalgia.

but.  i knew that if i texted him, for any reason whatsoever, he would answer me within five minutes and that even if i simply asked how he was he would be quick to use this opening to segue into other forms of validation.  and after the third super strong tom collins, texting him just seemed like the right thing to do.

and it went exactly as i had supposed.

the clarification i got had to do with us, an us that ceased to exist more than five years ago when he broke up with me out of nowhere.  i mean, it wasn't out of nowhere for him as i assume he had been thinking it through for a while before actually breaking up with me.  it was a huge surprise to me.

i knew even at the time that there was someone else.  he would  never come out and say it, but it was fairly obvious.  at the time, he told me that i just needed too much.  that i was incapable of taking care of myself.  when i pointed out that i pretty much take care of everything myself, including moving and starting my academic career he said that i was capable of doing everything BUT taking care of myself emotionally.  he said that tb had taken care of me until i met him and that he was no longer going to do it.  which was pretty awful to hear.

but things go on.  apparently, however, he and the girl broke up on very bad terms.  and here is where i get clarification.  i didn't ask exactly what happened, even though the petty side of me wanted to know what fucked up thing this girl did just for the satisfaction of imagining him having to experience the kind of emotional pain that i had to experience.

but i didn't ask, because it's pretty much irrelevant. i just said that i was sorry things were fucked up.  and he said that things were fine, but that this person was crazy.

to which i replied, "crazier than me?"

and his answer surprised me.  "you were never crazy," he said and then related that this other person has no regard for other people and, apparently, no conscience.

i always had good intentions.  and for what it's worth, i always loved him.  he thought that was a very sweet thing to say and thanked me.

it was true.  but it is just as true that this is past tense love.

and don't it always seem to go...

it was all oddly comforting.

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