while i was waiting for a take-out order tonight i was sitting next to this really young couple. they were maybe twenty and i could tell by their conversation that they were on a first date. they were telling each other all about their families and their childhoods. and the girl had a really annoying laugh.
i was drinking a beer and being dismissive of their awkward, but sickeningly genuine, getting-to-know-you conversation.
and i realized that it wasn't the annoying laugh or their stupid conversation that annoyed me. it was that i was, in many ways, quite envious of their hopefulness. i resented the fact that they were having this experience that i haven't had in very long time.
if i learned anything over the past three years, it's that there's no sure thing. love is all about probability estimation. but the bad experiences have left me in a very dismal place from which to estimate the likelihood that things will work out in any capacity. instead of assuming someone is telling the truth, i assume that they are lying. i require constant reassurance. but i can't ask for that, because it's unreasonable. and so i just keep it to myself, even though it means that i experience a lot of anxiety. and hiding that is hard, so i just withdraw.
so i don't usually go out with people who ask me.