Wednesday, March 28, 2012

all the people, and all the buzzing...and all the sitting around waiting.

after a weekend full of the past crashing into the present in ways both pleasant and unpleasant, i am home again.  portland was wonderful  (just like portlandia).  i had a blast with my officemate.  i ate some really amazing food.  

i got my tattoos worked on.  and that is always a treat.  even though today it was hurting me.  there's this one spot on my back that is just UNBEARABLE.  i doesn't hurt the way it hurts when facebook suggests that you be friends with the person who the person who absolutely broke your heart in every way/completely mindfucked you has gotten married to and this is how you find out (true story), but was hitting a nerve. with tattoos, i can tune most of the pain out most of the time, but there's this one spot that just hurts. and i know i kept squirming. however, my back looks fucking amazing.  and i just love my tattoo artist.  i think, partly, because he loves his girlfriend so much.  it gives me hope that this kind of love exists out there.  he just speaks so nicely about her.  it's refreshing. he tells her he loves her every time she calls.  tonight he even said "no.  i love YOU more."  and the thing is...he totally means it.  it's so nice and not at all nauseating as it would be with some people.  i think this is because it's completely genuine, whereas with most people it is completely contrived.

i'm just going to use that as a segue into  what i really wanted to write about, which is that sort of in between person that i've been kind of liking.  i always wonder if it's "kind of" because i only like them kind of, or "kind of" because i'm afraid to like them more than that. it's so hard to say.

but i do know that i'm  not sad around them.  they make me laugh.  i like the sound of their voice when they talk.  and they usually say really smart things.

i know i like hanging out with them.  but...other people have started to ask what is up.  and now it feels all weird.  i used to just call or text if i wanted. but now i think about every interaction.

i should probably stop doing that.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

and top o' the fucking morning to you

remember that part of 'breakfast at tiffany's' when audrey hepburn is telling the guy that she met someone that she likes so much that she would give up smoking if they asked her to?

well.  i've never met that person.  but i did someone whose criticism of my smoking habit made me feel....something.  they actually weren't criticizing me outright.  it was more a comment to the effect of "smoking is a disgusting habit."  a statement with which i do not agree.  at all.  i love cigarettes.  and i don't smoke that much.  only when i go out and have drinks.  or if i'm at the tattoo place.  i don't smoke everyday.  or even most days.  it's rare.  look...tuesday night is the night when i go out with my friend d and we binge out on red meat and gin and cigarettes.  and friday is when i go to happy hour and smoke, usually at most, 3-4 cigarettes.  and i won't give it up for anyone.

yes.  i said all these things in one big string of consciousness outpouring of self-justification.  and he was all 'it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself.  because i'm not judging you.  i don't think YOU'RE disgusting, just smoking.'

and i was left completely conflicted.  normally i wouldn't give. a. fuck.  smoking is non-negotiable.  but for some reason it...bothered me that they said that.   enough that i texted them when i got home to say that i it bothered me because i care what they think.  it matters to me what they think about me.

it's the worst possible position to be in.  for me.  because now my feelings are in the hands of the other.  i have no control.

and anyone who reads this blog knows how well that worked out the last time.  yes.  i am still scarred by that.  immensely so.  i wish that it weren't the case.  but it so fucking is.  i wish that i could just forget that they happened. i wish that i could just block out our whole interaction.   i wish that i never had to see them in name or in person.  sadly, i am denied that luxury.  the thing is that i think i could forgive them.  if only i knew that it hurt them the way it hurt me.  or even if i could no that i meant anything at all to them. but the sad truth is that it makes no difference to them if  i'm in their life or not.  they moved completely on.  to have the life that they said they wanted with me, with someone else.

i can forgive everything.  i can forgiive the fact that they completely fucked me over when i needed them most.  i can forgive the fact they have undoubtedly told people we know a whole bunch of distorted truths about what happened.  i can forgive that they were unsure.  but i don't think i can ever forgive the fact that they couldn't even tell me to my face.  i meant that little to them.  and they meant everything to me.  i trusted them implicitly.  i cared more what they thought than anyone else.  and they knew that.  i never once lied to them.  and they lied to me about everything.

i also don't think i can forgive them for letting me blame myself.  for making me feel like i was too fucked up to be in a relationship.  for saying that they loved me but i was too fucked up.  i have no confidence in myself now.  i feel like i only mean misery to any person that likes me.  and so i just try as best i can to pretend that everything is fine all the time.  and it isn't fine a lot of the time.  i hate that it always comes back to that.  i hate that every time i think about trying with someone else i can't.  because i don't have it in me to go through that again.  it was that horrible.  it made feel that bad about myself. i wanted to make them happy.  and i failed.

fuck.  i need a smoke.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

what goes on

today in my office....

p: how was your weekend?
me: it was great.  i went to the drive-in. i had a good time.
p: who did you go with?
me: your roommate.
p: what's the deal with that? are you bff's or are you something else?
me: you know i have a phobia of commitment.  GOD. (storms out of office dramatically)
p: (upon my return) clearly.  you can't even commit to this conversation.
me: (sigh) i know, right?  i'm so fucked.  i'm terrified to even like anyone.  i don't want to make someone else  miserable.  what if it's true that i'm too fucked up to be in a relationship?
p: that's not even true.  you aren't too fucked up to be in a relationship.  so you're afraid.  what are you going to do? not date anyone ever again?
me:  yeah.  maybe.  i don't know.  i don't think he likes me that way.

that's where i'm at.  fuck.

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