Friday, January 27, 2012

a little bit sad

i haven't been writing regularly on here.  this is mostly a function of my not wanting to go on and on about the emotional pain that i feel on a daily basis.  it's like if i don't talk about the other, then what they did won't hurt anymore.

but it does hurt.  i should be clear that it isn't really about them anymore in the sense that i want to be with them.  you couldn't pay me enough.  if i could have my way, i would never see them again ever.  in face or in name.  sadly (for me), i don't get that luxury.

what i have to deal with currently is the way in which this interaction has had a profound impact on other relationships that i have, both professional and private. oh yeah, when i fuck up it's always massive.  it's never just a small miscalculation.  it's always something with massive fallout in every area of my life.  and the reason that they were able to have this effect was because of the implicit trust i had in them.  they were supposed to look out for my interests.  and they didn't.  they took what they could get and then moved on.

some people, like my best friends, put people on blast in public.  by name.  on the internets.  for the world to see.

sometimes, i wish i could do this.  i wish i were brave enough.

the reality, however, is that because of who this person was i feel so ashamed of what happened that i refuse to even tell my closest friends.  i finally told my officemate (names omitted) and i saw the way she looked at me.  it's the same judgment i have of myself.  this person made me feel like a fucking whore.  they made me feel that i wasn't worth the trouble.  good enough to fuck, but not stable enough to be with.  or even speak to.  and that's the reality of the thing.

the end result of this interaction is that it fundamentally shook any confidence in myself to have a normal relationship.  i'm absolutely terrified.

there are things about myself that i can't change.  i struggle with anxiety (sometimes crippling) and depression.  and the guilt that comes with both.  this person was very critical of this.  they constantly told me i needed help.  that i had problems.  that i was this or that thing.  and when i said it wasn't their place to make judgment on certain aspects of my self, they told me that "when someone loves you they will tell you the truth no matter what."  

i still believe that.  but what someone that loves you won't do is tell you a very critical truth and then not be there for you.  the thing was, i did need help.  i needed their help.  i needed their support.  and it wasn't there.  and when i tried to ask for it, they stopped speaking to me.

the tragic irony (for me) was that they pretty much lied about everything else.  big things.  small things.  everything.

i'm terrified to be with anyone else because i don't want to ruin someone else's life with my problems.  i don't want to complicate things for them, the way that i did for this person.  because they weren't just some random person.  they were one of the people i respected more than anyone in the whole world.  they were someone that i loved very much.  their opinion meant something too me.  it meant everything to me.  i believed every word they said.  i believed them when they said they loved me.  and i believed them when they said i was too fucked up to be with.  

and now i am having so many problems relating to other people.  there are people that i know like me.  but i can't make the connections with them.  i don't want to ruin their life.  i don't want to be a burden.  i don't want them to see awful i am underneath it all. i'm scared to answer questions truthfully about how i feel.  but it's too much work to hide everything.

so i stay back.  i don't go on dates.  i don't reach out to people that are trying to connect with me.  i don't talk about how i feel.

i have perfect clothes.  perfect makeup.  perfect hair.  perfect skin.  all the things i buy to cover up what's inside.  so that no one can see how much pain i'm in or how afraid i really am.

but nowadays if someone comments on these things, i feel physically sick.  if someone says something about my body, i cringe.  maybe it's because i know what a lie that i myself perpetrate. but also because i don't want them to think they like me.  they don't even know me.  and at this point, no one ever will.

i will probably always be just a little bit sad.  my analyst says this is ok.   that how can people not be a little bit sad.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

un poquito

i went to get my new year's reading done today.  my psychic is truly the best.  i have gone to many readers over the years, but she is the best.  she is never wrong and gives good advice, besides what is just on the cards.

she said that love is coming my way for sure this year.  someone super good looking, who drives a very nice car.  someone who wants to take me out and spend money on me.

i don't know about all that.  but she did tell me this, as she peered at the cards...

"un poquito...take small bites, not all at one time.  love, you see, it's like cake.  last time, you swallowed down the whole thing, really quickly, in one sitting.  and it made you sick.  this time, mija, just eat a little at a time.  a bite here.  a bite there."

she's always right.
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