i'm back. it's been a while, i know. in that time a lot of things have happened.
i took my exams, which really deserve their own entry. this was, perhaps, the single worst experience of my life. i finished, but not the way i wanted to. i did everything in my power to control my environment so that maybe i could avoid the mental disintegration that inevitably engulfs me in times of stress. it didn't work. my body fully internalized the stress, which manifested itself in intense back pain, devastating anxiety attacks, and blinding migraine headaches. i have a history of panic attacks, but i have never had ones like the ones i had that week. long story short, i was basically living on benzos and marlboro light 100's and boba tea. i spent the week lying in bed writing trying to ignore back spasms. if you've ever had them, you know this is impossible.
all of this plunged me into a deep spiral of self-loathing, which i spent lying in bed listening to noah and the whale and watching 'workaholics'. i have emerged from this with the conclusion that i can't always control what my body does. i just can't. as much as i hate it, i can't. i dislike diagnoses, but i know that there is something wired differently in my brain. this is something i have to try to work around. i simply cannot go on hating myself. i worked as hard as i possibly could. i studied as hard as i possibly could. the fucked up thing is that i knew all of the answers. i just can't work under the conditions that were forced upon me. i just couldn't.
which led me, in a sort of round about way, to a second realization. i have hated so many things about myself for so long. i have been so ashamed of so many things about myself. i've let other people exploit those feelings. most particularly, the last person i was closely involved with. this person essentially was like "i love you, but you're too fucked up to be in a relationship."
yes. they said this. in those words.
they recommended that i read "i hate you, please don't leave me," because it reminded them of me. for those of you that don't know, this book is about borderline personality disorder. this is something that i most definitely do not have. even in my most acutely hypochondriac moment, i cannot begin to imagine that i have this. when i said "please don't ever diagnose me again. you aren't a doctor and clearly haven't read this book." they were like "when someone loves you, they will tell you the truth no matter what."
for any of you that are confused, this is. not. love. this is what emotionally abusive people say to justify their own fucked up actions. no one that loves you will say fucked up things like that and then pretend that they are justified in doing so out of love. this person said things like that all the time. they said some of the most hurtful shit anyone has ever said to me. if i said "stop. you're hurting me.", then i was too sensitive. if i got angry, i had an anger problem. if i laughed it off, i was cynical. i couldn't see it, but it was a game that i could never, ever win.
and i believed them. i believed them because they preyed on things that i hated about myself. things that i try everyday to change. it didn't come from a place of understanding or wanting to help. the person that loves you will want to listen to you. they won't just point out what is wrong. they will do whatever it takes to help you. even if that means listening to you cry. especially that. the person that loves you will do whatever it takes. and, as my friend b said, the person that loves you will never make you feel like you are a burden.
and that is that. i just have to do better next time. maybe you do have to hide your love away, like the song says. because once people see that, they'll take you for everything you have.
i have to believe, though, that not everyone is this way. so far every time i try to get close to anyone, it ends with me panicking and cutting off all contact. but, i keep trying. it's all i can do.
i also got some new tattoos, but that's for later.