Monday, November 14, 2011

trying to keep it all in

sometimes you have to let it all out.  but, sometimes, it's better to keep it all in.  especially when you're at work.

luckily, i'm from the south and that makes me a master at gritting my teeth and smiling through things.  i'm tired of people asking me stupid shit.  i'm tired of reading bad papers.  i'm tired of having to pretend that i even give a fuck.

mostly i'm tired of not getting any returns on my substantial investment of time and self.

and it is making me mean.  when i was at the psychic last week, she though out the cards and was all like "mira, mira...the KNIFE," referring to the dominance of sword cards.  and she explained that i needed to be very careful not to externalize my state of exhaustion onto other people.  because i can be very hurtful.

but it's hard.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

from disaster to delight

deviation from my normal routine is usually a recipe for disaster, or, at the very least, the onset of a feeling of disaster that follows me for the rest of the day.

my impending exams have me feeling like i'm having a slow psychotic breakdown.  so...last night i took the night off (which i never do) so that i could relax my mind by playing video games and eating copious amounts of  sugar washed down with tecate.  so i got home at like 1am-ish and started reading "a monetary history of the united states," because it was the closest thing to my pillow.  the point is that i stayed up way past my usual bedtime and so i woke up late.

and it was fucking raining.  which it never does here.  apparently, fall started this week. anyway....

so i got up late and i saw the rain and just knew that the coffee bean would be full of people who would normally be walking around downtown.  and it was.  it was full of children, who, in my opinion, do not NOT belong in a coffee shop.  if i wanted to listen to children before i've had coffee, i would have my own children.

so... there was no place for me to sit. and i had to come to starbucks, which was not part of the plan for the day.  so i was not happy about that.

but when i got to starbucks it wasn't so bad.  first, they keep it much warmer in here than coffee bean does.  lately, i have felt like i am freezing to death.

second, i ran into this woman who i feel is one of the most beautiful people i'v ever seen.  and usually i see her at coffee bean on weekday mornings.  when i see her, i have to try not to stare at her.  she doesn't look like a model or anything like that.  but she it just so interesting to look at.  like charlotte gainsbourg.  and she is impeccably put together.  her clothes are beautiful and they look perfect on her.  she just has the most perfect way about her.  i don't even know how else to describe her other than i just love to look at her.  she's the absolute truth.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

faux revolution

at a work party the other night someone asked me, "how do you feel about occupy wallstreet?" and i was all "i would join them, but i would feel like a bit of a hypocrite with $200 of christian dior makeup in my bag."

one person (the gay man) got it.  but the other person was like "how did you afford $200 worth of make-up?"

here's how.  i don't have kids/ a partner/other superficial drains on my disposable income.  and i put my skin first.  you only get one set of skin.  investing in quality skin care products is less expensive than corrective surgery later on.  i  am making efficient use of my resources like a proper economist.  also, i didn't just go spend that much at one time.  this cache of make-up has been amassed over the past year or so.  and it lasts longer than the cheap shit at cvs.

but, still, i found myself having to defend my recreational purchases.  i am well aware of just how bougie i seem.    let me say a few things in my on defense.  i was happiest when i was in africa.  seriously.  even though i was only there for a month.  after i had a melt down and adjusted to the little diffferences, i was.....free.  i was free in a way  that i will never be in the first world.  my anxieties went away.  it didn't matter how i looked.  all that mattered was making it through the day.  i felt more at home in that world.

but, the thing is, i live in THIS world.  i am in and out of LA on a regular basis.  i have to be able to show my face without shame, as they say.  i need to be able to get people to talk to me and work with me.  it is much easier to do that with a flawless complexion.  recoil if you want, but when holding everything else constant, the pretty face gets you farther.

now back to the revolution...

i'm not going to stand with the unwashed masses on this one.  when they come up with a plan, an agenda, and a goal then i'll consider it.  i'm not denying that their cause is righteous, i'm just trying to figure out exactly who they are blaming and for what. and they need to educate themselves on political economy, especially the purpose of  the fed.

urlike meinhof, the epitome of revolutionary chic, said the following "protest is when i say what doesn't please me.  resistance is when i make sure what doesn't please me occurs no longer."  she was also the truth when it came to starting the revolution.  she lived revolution.  for her it was an ongoing process of being, not just organized griping.


 
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