Tuesday, October 25, 2011

the devil in the details

i'm not a gambler.  i don't play the odds.  i don't like casinos and the only reason i like the track is because horses are amazingly beautiful.

i am careful about everything.  i am overly cautious.

when faced with a decision, i go through every possible alternative.  i think through every scenario.  i consider every outcome. i have always been this way, especially when it comes to love and other people.

oh, yes.  it's going to be one of those posts.

i haven't wanted to talk about this here, or anywhere else for that matter.  i'm just so ashamed about the fact that i still think about the other.  that, after all of the time that has gone by, i am still so hurt by the way they treated me.  and i'm constantly frustrated at how one tiny misjudgment could manage to spread its nuclear fall out into all areas of my life.

fact:  i trusted the wrong person.  fact: this person was a complete fucking liar.  fact: i assumed this all along, but i believed the things they told me, because i wanted to believe that someone could love me. i wanted to believe that someone would want to make a life with me.  i wanted to believe all the good things they said about me, because no one had ever said them to me before.

i wanted to believe that i was more than just a certain body type. i wanted to believe  that when someone looked at me they didn't just see the way i looked or someone that i would be great to fuck because i happen to have the measurements of a pin-up.  it isn't my fault i look like this.  if i could change myself, i would.

i lost weight because i thought i would look less curvy.  but my proportions stayed the same.

i cringe on the inside whenever people say anything about my body.  all i feel is shame, because i know what people see when they look at me.  i know what they think.  and i know that no matter what they say...the endgame is the same.  always.

i wanted to believe that someone could see my heart, which i think is still good despite a long history of bad decisions.  i wanted to believe that they could appreciate all the good things about me, like my good taste and my work ethic and my desire to be the best at everything i do.

fact:  the biggest liar of all was me.  i lied to myself when i told myself not to let fear get the better of me, that that this person was different.

i should be fair and say that this isn't about them, per se.  they are just the latest in a long line of bad decisions on my part.

but now i don't even bother.  i am incapable of trust.  i don't bother to invest in other people, because what's the point?  i show people what they want to see and not who i really am.  because i know, in my heart, that i'm not good enough.

i go through every detail of myself to try to figure out what is so bad about me.  when all of this was happening (and it's been a while), all i wanted to say was 'why am i not good enough for you?  just tell me what's wrong with me and i can fix it.  i can be better than what i am.'

but they never even gave me a chance to ask.  and they never told me why.  and now i just wonder all the time.  i go into every relationship just waiting for the inevitable.  i wait for the other person to discover that thing that makes me fundamentally unlovable.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

dear ______,

mother nature,

thanks for blessing me with the most heinous cramps ever.  the pain makes studying so much more productive.  also, thank you for filling me with a mood so horrifying that even my stash of benzos can't pull me out of it.  i can't even medicate myself to sleep because the pain is so intense.  

pepsico representative,

thanks for waking me up from my attempted nap to tell me that on the only day off i have this week you're going to be filming some stupid commercial on the most efficient route that connects my apartment to the rest of the world.  i hope  you understand that when i slammed the door in your face it was more a function of my above situation than a reflection of my respect for you as a working person.

neighborhood cholos,

i understand that your car is amazing (no, really, it is).  i appreciate a vintage caddy just as much as the next girl, maybe even more so.  and i also appreciate that your sound system is so incredible that when you drive within two blocks of my apartment i feel like i am actually at the club.  naturally, this would make you want to drive around and around and around the block.  and not just on friday and saturday nights between the hours of 1-3am, but also on sunday afternoon.  however, i would have more respect for your endeavor if you didn't have "last night a dj saved my life" on constant repeat.  i'm just sayin'. 

trader joe's,

thanks for embarking on a new venture where you cover everything i love to eat in chocolate.  i'm referring, in particular to potato chips and pretzel chips.  i really needed to put on those five extra pounds. 

sigh...sometimes you just have to let it all out.  

Thursday, October 6, 2011

99 problems

i think i always come back here when the stress becomes to much to bear.  but hey, it's my blog and i'll kvetch if i want to.

the downside of prepping for exams is that i feel like i am having a slow psychotic breakdown.  which i am handling by over-preparation and self-medication.

the upside is that stress literally melts the pounds off of you. i looked in the mirror and felt thin for the first time in weeks.  but as much as i would love to look at myself in the mirror all day long, i don't have time for that.

i also handle stress by seeking out validation in all kinds of ways.  the worse i feel inside, more effort i put into looking good.  which costs money and time, but is always worth it to me in the end.  yesterday, i got up early.  i put my hair in rollers.  i put on make-up and the new dress i bought.  everywhere i went people told me how pretty i was.  my favorite coffee bean lawyer looked at me in a way that made my whole morning.  he literally stopped mid-sentence to look at me.

little do these people know that if they talked to  me for more than 20 seconds i would be crying.  

today i am going to try these bad feelings go.  it's the right day for it, given that at sundown the highest of all high holy days begins.  the day of casting away sin.  my problem is that i don't have that much sin to cast away.  not that i'm totally clean, but i really haven't done anything that bad since last year.  so i will try to cast away my bad feelings towards myself.  i think it should be obvious from my (re) interpretation of yom kippur that i'm not jewish.  i just love high holy days in the most respectful way possible.  i love the symbolism,  especially the idea of getting a clean slate for the new year.

i can, on the other hand, think of some persons that need to do some serious atonement.  in fact, one day might not be enough for them.
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