Thursday, August 25, 2011

you can't go home again

yeah, thomas wolfe, you ain't fucking kidding.

i went out last night with a guy that i used to really like. ten years ago, the only thing i wanted was for him to ask me out. or to want to hang out. or do whatever college kids do when you're seeing each other. i mean, i really liked this guy.

a lot can change in a decade. feelings especially.

i wasn't feeling anything. except discomfort. extreme discomfort.

leave it to me to take what could be a perfectly good time and make it a painful, awkward experience. being out with someone on something that was a really strange cross between a date and two old friends hanging out was simply more than i'm capable of right now. i wanted to go home before i even left the house.

so for all my talk about practical love and giving people a chance and remaining open....if the vibes aren't there, it's not for me. i just can't fake it.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

a regular joe

she's a regular joe. you'll fall in love with her like everybody else.

if i recall from my copy of lauren bacall's autobiography, this is how humphrey bogart described her. i always thought that was one of the nicest things i had ever heard anyone say about anyone else. they were married only 10 years and for like a third of that, he was dying. but according to both, those were the best years they ever had.

i don't believe in finding that kind of love for myself anymore.

everybody loves a charade

i gotta admit the truth....

i fucking hate politics. nothing bores me more. i don't know who you should vote for, because that is something you should decide for yourself. i don't know who is going to win the election, because i don't study elections. i don't care who wins the election, because we're pretty much fucked either way.

i like economics, but no politician has a substantive knowledge of economics. that much should be abundantly clear, given the state of things.

this is all of great disappointment to my parents (and everyone else that talks to me for five minutes about what i do), as technically, i study politics. i have to explain again and again that while i study political processes, i could give a fuck about the day to day goings on as chronicled by rachel maddow and the like. the exception to this is the beauty pageant of crazy that is the republican party, but that's completely different. that is like driving by a horrible car accident and not being able to look away, despite the gruesome carnage.

i wish i could just discuss meaningful, interesting things. like the fact that yaya should have won antm cycle 2, not eva. or ahhhhndrea's freudian college dreams on 90210. or how could brenda NOT see that kelly totally hooked up with dylan when brenda went to france? i mean seriously, is she fucking blind?

yes. i'm watching 90210 season three right now. what of it?

Sunday, August 14, 2011

[ (lifetime movies + unresolved emotional issues) * most heinous period ever] ^ full moon ->

a seriously fucked-up day. or, if not fucked-up, then, at the very least an extremely emotional one.

first, there was a lot of pain of both the emotional and physical varieties. it felt like someone had my cervix in a vice. it was like that scene in casino where joe pesci pops that guy's eye out of his head. except it was my cervix. i haven't the faintest clue as to why i was in this pain. but i do know that i took 5 extra strength advil liqui-gels and IT DIDN'T MAKE ONE GODDAMN BIT OF DIFFERENCE. i laid on tb's bed crying. i started crying because of the pain, but it turned into a crying jag in which all of my inner pain came pouring out and i began crying over all the spilled milk of the past year, which no matter how i try to put to the side, keeps coming back.

after aboug half and hour, tb was like "you're making me feel really sad." and i was all like "imagine how i fucking feel, then."

then i came home and my mother had left on the lifetime network. so i watched "the holiday," basically crying through the whole thing. this was after we watched "the young victoria," which is this super beautiful love story. i had to hold back the tears, because i don't like to cry in front of other people (except for tb, apparently). even my mother.

i drew the line at "ps. i love you."

instead, i turned on a movie i have watched at least five times this week, "secretariat." this movie makes me all weepy, but at least there are horses in it. i never tire of watching it. i like to see secretariat win at the end. interestingly, my research (and by this i mean wikipedia) indicates that the reason that this horse could do what he did was because of his big heart. literally. his heart was more than twice the size of that of a normal horse. he was so beautiful.

now i just feel drained. so i think i'll sleep, until around 4am when i am certain that my insomnia will kick in like it has every other night this week.

my period MUST end soon.

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