Sunday, February 27, 2011

a thing of beauty is a joy forever...

or at least until it fucking dies on you.

i spent the better part of the afternoon trying to save my favorite succulent. i bought it back in september. it has been dying in thee form of daily leaf detachment since. it looks like a molted parakeet. it only has apx 5 leaves left between the three main stalks. this morning i found out why.

under the layer of absorbent rocks, the soil was molded.

so in spite off all the many, many things i needed to do today, i went to target to buy succulent soil and a new pot. they didn't have it. so i had to go to the plant nursery. where i bought a pot and another succulent. and the soil.

then i took the dying succulent and washed all of the molded soil off of it and put it in the pot with the dry soil and the new succulent and the other succulent i had in my living room.

i really hope it live. for some reason it's survival is awfully important to me.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

just a picture perfect day that lasts a whole lifetime

before i moved here, in the place i lived before...i used to go to a certain cafe for one reason. they had lavender earl grey tea. on a lot of nights when i was working on my thesis i would take a break around 6ish and drive out of my way just to get this tea. i would drink it with half and half and agave.

i've looked everywhere for this tea. everywhere. finally, i found it in LA last night.

it's better than i remembered. but here's the kicker.

the real reason i like it, though not the reason i bought it, is because i drink it and feel the way i felt at a very specific time. a time i can't go back to. a time that's inevitably caught up in the other. i wasn't looking for them. and in a lot of ways i would undo it if i could. in other ways...i wouldn't trade it for anything. all and all it was an unexpected feeling. now as much as then.

it was like the jerusalem garden. i pretended i liked to go there for the hummus. but that wasn't the entire truth. they did have the BEST hummus there, but the real reason i went was because it reminded me of being in dar es salaam, it reminded me of what it felt like to be in love.

just like the tea. it reminds me of the feeling that the other was there and that i knew they were there. that they weren't going anywhere.

i don't even tell my analyst these things. because i don't want him to see me that way. even though it's his job to listen to these things. because in the back of my mind i'm scared that if he sees the real me that he won't want to have anything to do with me. just like all the others in my life that have moved on. which i know is so irrational. like totally so.

i called tb crying today. i miss the other so much. so much that i don't speak to them. that i don't reach out. i just can't. because i know that if i did, i would only get pushed away. and that hurts too. i know that if they reached out to me, as they did before, i would be the happiest person. but if i reached out to them....nothing. i recognize that their reaching out was their way if filling some need that they had that i could fill, though i suppose only temporarily. the thing is...i needed them too.

it isn't a matter of going on without them. because i can and i am. the world is filled with others. i've never been at a lack in that capacity. the thing is...i don't want to be without this particular other. they were too special to me. more so than all the other others.

and don't think i don't hate the way i sound right now. this isn't the way i want anyone to see me. this isn't how i want to see myself.



Monday, February 21, 2011

wanting. waiting. needing. for you...to justify my love.

i started watching gossip girl to sterilize my overactive mind, but as it turned out i've learned something about myself.

rather than go for dan (the nice, but relatively poor boy), or even nate (the rich, but relatively decent boy), i go straight to the one on our right.

the economic sociopath.

the one that makes up for his lack of moral character with sex, drugs, money and...more money.

how can i help myself? he's well-dressed. ice cold. and unequivocally self-assured. he doesn't think twice. he just does. so handsome. so bereft of feeling. so...

....unobtainable in every sense of the word.

te quiero mucho.

the busiest bee in the hive

it's...well...kind of me.

i scrubbed the fuck out of my house yesterday. i believe that you have to make your house somewhere that you want to be. i washed every dish. i cleaned out my fridge. like, completely cleaned it out. i threw everything away. i took everything off the counter. the electric kettle...the rice/lentil cooker...the blender...the limoges pitcher that isn't my style, but has a great deal of sentimental value...i washed each one lovingly. i scrubbed the counter. i replaced the things. i cleaned the stove. i mopped the floor. i put out the new dish towels.

my kitchen is no longer this unsavory place that haunts the back of my mind. i don't have to be shamed every time i open the fridge.

i scrubbed the bathtub. over and over. four times in all. there are still some spots that i will have to revisit today, but all in all it is really fucking clean.

i have almost completed season 1 of gossip girl. which is super fucking rad, by the way.

i lit candles at the feet of the blessed virgin, who now has her own beautiful table in the bedroom. surrounded by flowers and a pair of golden, jewel encrusted mandarin ducks.

everything is in its appropriate place.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

this explains EVERYTHING

all this time i've spent on this blog wondering what is wrong with me re: relationships and yesterday i find this article.

as it turns out, i'm just a fucking bitch. so that's why i'm alone.

when i first read this article, i got really upset. then i thought to myself, 'maybe it's intended to be satirical.' but somehow, i don't think it is.

i'm not going to apologize for being smart. even though i realize that when i'm out and meet guys and they ask what i do and simply say i'm a student, that this is exactly what i'm doing. and since apparently, despite the years of abuse i've heaped on my body, i still look on the young side they assume i'm an undergrad. when they ask what major i usually say undecided.

you know why? because saying you're working on your phd in political science pretty much ends the conversation.

and i don't think that thinking about myself makes me selfish. i am perfectly capable of giving. i'm a natural giver. if anything, i give too much. i just give to the wrong people. or not even the wrong people, people who can't give back.

god, i wish gossip girl would hurry up and finish downloading so i don't have to think about this anymore....

Thursday, February 17, 2011

a theory of moral sentiments...

is what i read all morning to try to understand an article that i had to discuss. which i epically failed at. it wasn't my fault. the article was poorly written. it was an exercise in massive frustration. this exercise ended with my having to admit that i didn't get it.

which was preceded by a difference of opinion over game theoretic models.

it was a truly exhausting day.

on another note, i'm quite happy. for one thing, this blog is blowing up. i'm averaging 20-30 readers per day. which is a record. i now have 11 followers. most of whom i don't know. my not so cleverly concealed need for attention is being satiated. the pieces are all coming together. fuck therapeutic exhalation of emotion, attention is the reason for the season on this blog.

for another, someone said some really nice things to me. game or not, i'll take it.

but i'm also slightly unnerved. someone called while i was in class. from a number i didn't recognize. but they failed to leave a message. even though it's more than likely a wrong number, in the very back of my mind, in the very bottom of my heart, i hope that it might be them. as lame as that is.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

vultures everywhere

i love coming to the coffee shop near my house during the week. because monday-friday, between the hours of 8-9AM the joint is crawling with lawyers. if you sit here you get to see all kind of things. the ambulance chasers. the shady tv commercial workers compensation lawyers. the witness preparation. the ones that are fucking their law clerks (you have to get here early to see that).

there's just something so attractive about them. it's the money + unwaivering sense of entitlement. and the self-assured manner that comes with operating under a logic of appropriateness that, however inappropriate to the rest of us, allows them the freedom to accomplish any myriad of unsavory deeds. and thus, outfits them in well-tailored suits and luxury automobiles.

i love the suits. i love the self-assuredness that allows them the wherewithal to blatantly eye fuck me while wearing the finest platinum wedding bands. like the guy sitting across from me. eyes all sunken in. but immaculately presented, nonetheless. i like the way he rolled his eyes in a very subtle, yet disgusted way when his client (?) walked in, but then got straight down to business.

it's the same as financiers and other rank capitalists. that unwaivering assertion of self. they are so attractive to me. even though their lifestyle exists in antithesis to everything i believe philosophically, i am utterly fascinated. and a little bit turned on. it's like they don't go through the constant process of thought and negation to determine what is right and what is not. they just know.

i like to admire them. from a distance.

i was talking to someone yesterday. not a capitalist. not a lawyer. but someone i like very much. i was telling them about how sometimes you have to take a black marker and cross people out of your book of life. and he said 'i would never cross you out. you're too special.'

we'll see about that. it was still a very nice thing to say to me at a time when i very much need to hear nice things.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

how not to fuck up on valentine's day

what would valentine's day be without commentary re: the most useless emotion in the universe from the most hopeless romantic on the planet? here i sit. reflecting. listening to paul anka, surrounded by pink roses and red tulips, and enjoying a sedated afternoon. so put you head on my shoulder, while i tell you what i think about it....

the title for this entry came from an article i saw on yahoo today. i except i don't think they used the word 'fuck'.

it was this article that explained gift-giving etiquette vis a vis relationship duration. it was for the most part nonsense.

the best way not to fuck up on valentine's day is to just give something. attention. time. a kind word. anything to show that you value that other person. that you notice things that they like. actually i think the article did mention something along them lines.

the last time i had a boyfriend on valetines's day, he was this anti-capitalism / anti- consumerism sort. he saw vd as a marketing scheme and showed his rejection to this by not getting me anything. i just wanted some chocolate. and also the significance behind the thing. even if that significance is socially manufactured to sell candies and diamonds.

and speaking of diamonds....aside from the fact that some 10 year old probably lost a hand for that engagement ring you so admire....it's just tacky to put the picture of said ring on your perfectly intact finger as your facebook profile photo. get the fuck over yourself. this doesn't come from bitterness, it comes from a place of good taste and sage advice. remember that shit.

also remember the following...

someone that really cares about you will get something for you on vd. someone who really cares will...well i don't know because i don't think anyone in the romantic context has ever really cared about me all that much.

to the other, i'm sorry. for everything. even though i don't know what i did wrong, if anything at all. i miss you so. know that. believe that. also know that i hope you're happy. more than anything. even if i can't tell you to your face.

just....come back. ( and, fyi, i'm fine if they don't. i do what i do. my life doesn't stop. i go out. i meet people. i have good times. i just miss them.)

see? it starts about me and ends about them. but i'm not even going to pretend i don't miss them. negation is affirmation. and i am accepting the throwness of the situation.

the plight of the being in the world. (existentially speaking)


Thursday, February 10, 2011

today i feel like...

i'm having a meltdown.

i work 16 hour days. as i have been for oh...um...going on four years now. i have an issue with arbitrary deadlines. i am trying to improve myself. i can't seem to do that fast enough. and what's worse is...i can't even see the point in doing it anymore.

which is why i was crying at 4:30 this morning when i woke up trying to finish a paper. which isn't going to be finished on time. i want it to be right, not done.

last night, when i left school after teaching all day, i was forced to go to the mechanic because my alarm on my car was malfunctioning. it won't stop going off. i had to beg the mechanic to help me, as it was 6 and they were closed.

but he couldn't fix it. because ford won't tell mechanics how to disable alarms. so now i have to unplug the battery cable. which means i couldn't go run my errands. like buy groceries. so i have no food at my house.

i called the dealership today. they couldn't accommodate my time constraints. given that i have class all day. and they guy said "can't you just have someone bring it in for you?"

at which point i was forced to say that i don't have anyone. and now i have to bring it in. leave it . and rent a car.

and that's my day.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

love is a losing game

i miss the other. so. much.

i know that i did the right thing. i know that.

but what i didn't know is how much it would hurt. i mean...i knew, but...i didn't.

i know that the other does not miss me. not the way i miss them. and that hurts too. and i also know that it is what it is.

but that doesn't help. there isn't one thing that i wouldn't give to have them back in my life. except to ask them back in. i can't do that. they have to come back on their own. i know that.

but it hurts. because i think they might be gone forever.

happy year of the rabbit.
 
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