i know that it was best. and really, they left me no choice. which has been typical of our interactions for some time now.
but...that doesn't make me less sad. because, at the end of the day, they hurt me. so. fucking . much.
but what hurts more than that is that and i miss them. i honestly miss them. not as a representation of an idealized situation, but as a person. even as much as i realize that what i actually miss is the other that i knew originally. and that other hasn't been around for some time. i don't know where they went. i don't know why they had to do this with me. of all the people in the world, i wish it hadn't had to be with me. but the utility of knowing the answers to those questions is not great enough to balance the emotional cost of having to interact with them. not in the space they are in right now.
and they must reconcile what they did. they must reconcile that to me. i know that this time it was not my fault. i didn't deserve this. i just didn't. which is irrelevant at this point.
and i know that until they can genuinely appreciate how fucked up what they did was and atone for the way they were with me, then i can't have anything to do with them.
if there's one thing i've learned, it's that words are not enough. someone can say the most beautiful things in the world to you, but if those words aren't backed by action they are meaningless. love is an action. sorry is an action.