Wednesday, April 27, 2011

where everybody is somebody (L dot A dot)

my analyst appointment was cancelled last week, so i missed my weekly trek to los angeles, in which time i somehow forgot how lovely it there. i honestly think that LA is paradise on earth. if such a thing could even exist.

it was SUCH a nice day. i sat outside at a coffee shop and worked. my favorite thing about that particular location is that is right next to a dog daycare. if you go around 5, then you get to see all of the dogs being picked up. that is one of my favorite things. that might sound totally lame, but the dogs are so happy to see their families that it makes me happy. there isn't anything that isn't great about dogs. they are love incarnate. i miss that, since i had to leave my dog with my parents.

i went and ate thai bbq. at my favorite place. the sauce there is like no other. i would describe it, but it defies explanation. even for me. it doesn't taste like anything i've had ever.

i drove down hollywood blvd. i don't care what anyone says. this is my absolute favorite part of LA. it's just so gaudy and over the top. i love it.

all of this made up for my morning, which was ok, but i had a kind of awkward moment. someone asked me to count a room full of people. and i panicked. this is so hard for me to do. i can't explain very well why it is so hard. my brain just can't handle spatial things like that. and groupings. it overwhelms me. i counted like five times and i kept getting different numbers. until finally i saw the pattern.

i know it sounds lame, but it's really embarrassing and stressful that a simple task could be so hard. and it's worse when it's in front of someone you work for. someone you definitely don't want to appear incompetent in front you can't count or something. or you are incapable of performing a simple task.

luckily this persons understands. or has enough good manners to pretend that they do, so i didn't feel intellectually disadvantaged. i explained and they were just like "i can't do it very well either. that's why i asked you to count too."

and that was my day.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

the girl who loved only numbers

apparently it is me.

i would rather work on my calculus exercises than read anthropology articles. i would rather look at equations than write about institutions. i would rather let my mind be consumed by an endless string of factors and vectors and coordinates and to sit for hours trying to get my brain to overcome its natural resistance to the numerical representation of life than to think about my actual life.

it's comforting.

i never understood math before. truthfully, i don't understand it now. i am only trying to improve myself. so that i don't have to skip over derivatives/notation and assume that the words written on the page are indicative of the true meaning. because unless you know, you can never be sure. and when it comes down to it, you can't trust anyone. and even with statistics (which i still see as the lamest form of math), if you don't know what's going on behind stata, then you really don't know anything.

to my surprise, i can actually do more than i thought i would be able to given that i've pretty much failed any math class i've ever taken. i can even tell you about the equation above. i just double checked it. in my head. no. for real. the only part i don't get is the last step. i don't know where the h went. but i'm sure i could figure it out if i thought for a minute. it was only intended to be an illustrative example, after all, and i still did it quickly in my head.

the difference between now and the past is that no one is forcing me to do it. no one even suggested that i do it. i just decided to. because unless i retrain my brain i will not be able to take what is going on inside of it and make it something that other people can see.

and interpersonal interactions with other people lately have been really disastrous. ok...that's an overstatement. actually they have been the same as they ever were. i have been trying to keep myself open to people and not let what happened to me over the past year, how much i was hurt, to keep me from trying. despite everything, i have this childish idea that love exists and that you can find someone to share your life with that accepts you for who you are and will let you love them and that will love you back. mostly i hold on to the belief, albeit foolishly, that this can happen for me. after everything and even though it only brings me the constant pain of disappointment, i still believe in love.

but rejection hurts. and it seems that no matter where i look, no matter who i interact with, there it is. and what hurts more is knowing that i don't want the person doing the rejection to want me. the truth is i could care less about them. what i want is that other, THE other, back. because as much as i try not to hold onto that experience, i know that the way i felt about them, the way that i felt with them, was different than the way i've ever felt about anyone else.

see? numbers don't do this to you. with numbers you are in control. it might take a while to get them where you want, but they are yours.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

holding everything else constant

i feel like i've said this phrase a thousand times this week. scientific method and what not.

holding everything else constant in my own life....i still miss the other. very, very much so. i try not to think about it. that's why i don't write about it here. and i don't talk about it to anyone. not even my therapist.

most of the time i'm quite successful at avoidance.

i've been throwing myself into work. i find countless things to occupy my mind. i do math every morning. so that i can understand what i need to understand. i read the things i need to read. and other things besides.

but sometimes it really, really hits me. that i miss someone so much. and there's nothing i can do about it. the other morning i cried before i went to work. which made my voice sound weird. even though i wasn't crying at work (obviously), as i'm not a big fan of bringing your drama with you to the office. when i went in to ask the person i work for a question, he looked at me for a second, and asked "what's going on? are you all right?" and i wasn't sure what he meant. and he was like "your voice..."


that was the answer i gave. which i felt sounded much better than, "well. as much as i pretend that everything is ok, i foolishly got caught up in emotion and had my feelings crushingly hurt by someone that i trusted implicitly. which had more implications for my life than can be discussed in good taste. and regardless of the pain they caused me (and the fact that everyone i know thinks that this person is a sociopath), i still feel only love for them and sadness that they are gone. there isn't one thing i wouldn't do to change what happened, as nothing and no one can replace what i have lost. and so if my voice sounds funny, it's because i was crying this morning. and also because of the cigarettes i chain smoked last night while i was drinking red wine alone and NOT thinking of them."

no. i couldn't very well say that to someone who is, quite possibly, the most scientific person i know.

instead i just talked about pollen in the air and described my watery eyes. he looked at me very seriously and said "yes. those are allergies."

yes. they are.

Monday, April 18, 2011

if slaughterhouses were glasshouses...

today for sociology we watched a film about a horticultural society in papua new guinea (i think). in the film they killed pigs. they held them, shot them with an arrow, and then released them. then the pigs ran a few paces and dropped convulsing to the ground.

the pigs were screaming the whole time. until they expired.

the screams were horrifying.

i'm ok with the shooting. i was even ok once the pigs had died and they started skinning them and chopping them up.

i was not ok with the screams. apparently i wasn't the only one looking horrified, because the professor observed that "it's much nicer at the grocery store when it's all wrapped in plastic, isn't it?"

it is.

all i could think of was the bacon in my fridge. and the association between that delicious bacon and the screams.

the only other thing i could think about was my own sadness over certain things that have happened. which i have been trying to avoid talking about on here. or anywhere else for that matter. the only thing i've been doing is working. which has helped. but...still. sometimes it hits me that i miss someone terribly.

and like diana ross said, there ain't nothing i can do about it.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

iheart you, imac

you are so beautiful in my living room. you are so fast. and so wonderful.

and did i mention beautiful?

yes. i broke down last quarter and bought an imac. they were on sale. it was one of the things i bought when i was trying to soothe my overly saddened soul with purchases. HOWEVER, given my unfortunate luck with laptops, i thought it might be best to invest in something reliable. so it wasn't entirely self-indulgent.

it sat unused for two months. although, i should point out that it sat unused on its very own ornate, antique table. in front of my paintings.

much like the ipod, i was very intimidated by it. i've never had a mac. it makes weird noises. i don't know what it's saying to me. we don't speak the same language.

but i am learning. slowly. but i am trying.

i feel that now i need the macbook. having the imac at home and the asus laptop is like trying to keep two boyfriends happy. two completely opposite boyfriends.

it is making me schizophrenic. and also...i really like macbooks.
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