Thursday, March 31, 2011

it defies explanation

i had to see this and do you.

i've seen a lot of sexually disturbing things in my time. flashers. fetish porn. street corner hookers. strip clubs in memphis. the red light district in amsterdam.

but this picture...might take the cake in terms of sheer creepiness. it's just SO dirty. i can't stop looking at it. there's nothing about it that is even remotely ok. it's making me feel wrong.

just look at their expressions....


french manicure...polished elegance or 1970's porno nails?

i can't decide.

usually, i just go with clear polish. no red or wild colors for me. i have just been waiting for my nails to be long enough to get frenchified.

i love the way they look, but i keep thinking of those old ass lee press on nails that i used to see at the store as a child. which for some reason i associate with sex workers. not that there's anything wrong with's just there's a time and a place for everything. work might not be the place to inadvertently activate the collective memory of the golden age of porn.

and now i understand when women say things like 'could you just ___ for me. i just got my nails done.' i used to hate that. but now i see that you have to be careful. they are fragile, especially if they are your actual nails, as mine are. AND the polish is so malleable. you HAVE to let them dry in front of the fan at the salon. or you're fucked. you get a chip or an uneven place. which kills the whole effect. i have no patience, so i tried to get up prematurely. the woman that does my nails was like "they dry already?" and i was like "um...." and she was like "you sit." and i did. they are very authoritarian at this place.

which is maybe kind of why i like going there. even though, truth be told, i could probably get a better manicure somewhere else. but getting my nails done is a total exercise in trust for me. my fingers and cuticle areas are are so super sensitive. and if the person doing your nails isn't careful they can really hurt you with those sharp scissors. i cringe just thinking about it.

i also cringe every time i have to type. which is like all day. nails make typing a totally frustrating activity. i keep making stupid typos. and i have to hold my hands a certain way.

but the totally satisfying "clickyclickyclicky" sound my nails when i tap them more than makes up for that.

having a good manicure sends a very clear and very strong signal to others. like matching lingerie, it lets them know that there is no detail too small that you would overlook it. that you are on top of everything, all the time.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

words to live by...

I used to have a friend like Jenny. I made all these sacrifices and you know what I got back on that investment? Zero. Because girls like her run emotional Ponzi schemes. Jenny will never like you the way you like her.

i know that parents hate 'gossip girl'. as would i, if i were raising a high school aged child. but....when you're right, you're right. and this statement is, in many was, the absolute truth. some people are simply sociopaths. i've never believed that in the past. i don't want to believe it now. i'm just considering all options.

this past year has really shaken the way that i think about other people. about intentions. about relationships. about friendship. i've seen things that i once thought were impossible, things that if someone had told me a year or two ago i would have completely rejected as things that could never, ever happen.

i don't believe in interpersonal relationships in terms of investments. you don't keep putting in until it's time to collect. there isn't a maturity date. it isn't a securities market, this is about human beings. but it's also supposed to be mutual, right?

i need to stop just feeling with my heart. and start being smarter. i need to look at all sides instead of just blindly following my feelings and believing the best about people even when every piece of evidence points to the contrary. i know that. it's just...really hard. i feel things so deeply and that means i care very intensely for people and things that matter to me.

but sometimes at great personal expense to myself. i hate the way i am so much. if i could have one wish, i think it would be not to feel anymore. to completely change my nature so that i don't feel so much. so that i don't care.

Monday, March 28, 2011

suffering succulent

i think i've talked about my dying(?) succulent before. i say 'dying (?)' because i thought it was gone for sure, but i think it might stick around.

what had happened was morning i went to check on it and found that underneath the top layer of absorbent rock the soil was moldy. i felt horrible. i had been doing my absolute best to keep it alive. i thought it needed water. i thought it was dried out. but i was actually killing it.

so i went to the nursery. i bought a proper pot (it was still in the plastic one) and cacti/succulent soil. and re-potted it with two other succulent plants. i took it out of the mold dirt and washed the roots.

i thought it was dying a slow death. i took drastic measures aimed at regeneration based on things i read on the internet. i cut the top off from the main stalk, which i think was diseased. i put the shortened end back in the soil.

i have just been waiting for it to go.

however, if you look very closely in the center of the plant are new leaves. tiny, yet perfectly formed new leaves. this gives me hope that it can be beautiful again. the way that it was before i almost killed it.

i could have thrown it away. that's the thing. it wasn't an expensive plant. or the best one. or anything like that. i could have simply bought a new one.

but i couldn't do it. i just couldn't.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

i realize that the sounds associated with the female orgasm might be scary if you've never heard them before...

but i don't really see what the big deal is. serena williams is massively hot. so is the other chick. and let's be real. this is by far the raunchiest thing in advertising. at least these girls are in shape.

Friday, March 25, 2011

i met my soul mate...he was a total asshole.

this is what my psychic told me today. about her, not me. i always ask about love.

i was like 'but...i thought when you met your SOUL MATE everything was perfect and you were in love and everything worked perfectly and you were together forever...and...and...'

shaking her head, she looked at me like i was crazy.

"no," she said, "they can be mean as shit. and it hurts you more, because you have that connection. the sex is the best sex you'll ever have, but they'll hurt you more than anyone else you've ever met. and it doesn't stop hurting."

this was a side of soul mate that no one ever tells you. i still don't know if i can believe that soul mates actually exist, but it sounds way more plausible the way she described it.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

things of beauty and the joy they bring

i re-potted all the plants.

ok, so the joy might have been a function of ativan + red wine...but hey, i'm on vacation. and what's vacation without a little red wine mixed with sedatives in the afternoon?

the re-potting was one of my goals for the week. i went to the nursery this morning to get the pots. and the soil. but as usual, my inability to gauge spatial parameters meant that i bought a pot that was too small to pot all of the herbs in. so as you can see below, i could only fit the basil, orange mint, and thyme in the pot. which leaves the rosemary and the oregano without a real home for the moment.

i also bought some thai basil. i even got a special pot to put it in.

you can see how beautiful they are....and delicious too...

and now for the tale of my succulent...
in the hopes of saving it i had to take drastic measures. supposedly, you can grow new plants from the leaves. and you can also sever the top from the main stem, if the stem has gone bad.

it is very important to me that this one lives. so i did what i thought i must.

i hope it works.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

right up there with elizabeth taylor (when it comes to suffering)

goodbye, elizabeth taylor.

i prefer to remember her as she was. although, to be honest, she looked fantastic through her early 70's. and also, i think the press posted really bad pictures of her on purpose. the fact remains that no one in hollywood now comes anywhere close to her in style or beauty. they just don't.

i love liz because, well, obviously she's super beautiful. but i also admire her tenacity in personal matters. she just never gave up on the idea of love. a divorcee at 18. married eight times total. she even married the same person twice.

and it took its toll.

"You don't get over men like the flu," she said.

ain't that the fucking truth.

i wish i could be more like her. in the face of emotional pain, i just close off. i block people out. as scared as i was a year ago of feeling anything, it's twice as bad now. it's no one's fault. it's just the way i am. now when people tell the things i want to hear, i just nod and smile and know that...there's no point.

i want to believe in love so badly. i have for years, but i just don't know anymore. this past year might have been too much for me. it's made me question not only other people, but myself. myself most of all.

and still. if i had to do it all again, i would do no differently. even though perhaps i should have been smarter. perhaps i should have been more careful. perhaps trusting anyone that implicitly is a mistake.

and still...the only thing i feel is love. i'm not angry. and i don't hate them. all these things were issues that i had before i even met the last other. i don't blame them. i just wish we could talk again. there's a small part of me that i don't think shall ever stop missing them. i don't think that i shall ever not hope to hear from them. no matter who i meet or where i go.

i don't think that it makes me a bad person. or a weak person. just a person who feels too much. a tragic person, maybe. a liz taylor, maybe.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

it's all happening

the supermoon, that is.

this means that the earth will be the closest it has been to the earth in 18 years. or something. because the moon is my ruling celestial body, this means that super cancer is is effect.

i feel very sentimental. i need a hug. and a break. and i wish i had something interesting to write about, but i don't. just myself.

i have decided to accept my cancer nature, rather than just feel bad about it. love and empathy are the most important things in this life. other than money, that is.

my gift is feeling. my gift is being able to love. i just wish that i could feel it for myself.

i wish it were speed reading. i finished all my work. except for a stack of exams.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

when i said i hoped the end is nigh....

THIS is not what i had in mind. what i had been hoping for, albeit selfishly and unrealistically, was some sort of pain/suffering free apocalypse.

now i face being irradiated. and not in the quick vaporization way, but in the slow painful radiation poisoning way. i realize that the scientists are saying 'oh, there's no real danger. the levels are safe.'

to which i say two things:

1. i believe that NO levels of radiation are good for human beings.
2. would you really tell the american public if it wasn't safe? (doubtful)

this is not what i wanted to wake up to today. nuclear holocaust is my ultimate nightmare.

Monday, March 14, 2011

feeling it all

i've been awake for the better part of three days now.

not by choice. but because i've had to be to finish a paper. which turned out awful, because i can't write under pressure. which bums me out because my model was ingenious. i liked it so much that i would never share it online. i even have software that lets me draw out the game tree. so that it looks perfect. i can't play with the structure to make it more aesthetically appealing, but at least the lines are straight and the labels are all there.

just once i would like to turn in something that i'm happy with. something that doesn't plague me after i turn it in. contrary to how it might appear when my papers are read, i'm not a satisficer. it just takes me longer to do things. and then i run out of time. i actually am burdened by the guilt of unrealizable perfection.

i just want to sleep. but i'm too tired. i'm probably going to have to take a sedative. otherwise it's never gonna happen.

i'm too unsettled. i think i'm responding to two things. first is the the massive chaos in the world, specifically in japan. i was sickish and incredibly volatile in the days leading up to the earthquake. i would cry instantaneously. it was the worst feeling. it is because i am, at least partly, clairsentient. which is a fancy word for overly empathetic.

A clairsentient is an empathic person who is able to experience and translate all kinds of energies. When picking up on negative emotions, a clairsentient may feel sick, while a positive experience may feel like sheer joy, or feeling safe and secure. The messages are usually more complicated than that alone, and can be of great assistance when one must make significant decisions in life.

that's me. and also, nuclear holocaust is my worst nightmare. so at this point, it might just be in my head.

this is all exacerbated by the super moon. you already know about that.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

super moon

it's coming up, y'all.

super emotions? check. super volatility? check. super in tune with everyone else's chaotic energy? double check.

i also think that my sister will have her baby on this day. or at least go into labor.

oh. and another thing. japan is going through my worst nightmare right now. nuclear disaster. every time i open the internets there is. meltdown. i say that i hope the end is nigh. but i don't want to go that way.

in the wake of this, i feel as my favorite astrologer is the ONLY thing that really matters. life is way too short. the past is irrelevant.

i miss all the things i love right now.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

when enough is enough

that time is now.

i have cried about the other. i have thought about the other. i have cut them out of my life to prove a point. because that's what it was about. proving a point. i know that. and then, they proved their own point by staying out. and that wasn't what i wanted either.

but is proving a point worth it when in the end you're left with...only the point and a misguided sense of superiority that derives from having so thoroughly kept your word?

it has been in the past.

but not this time. not to me. the sheer amount of effort it took to keep my word was exhausting. active negation is not an efficient mode to be in. trust me on that one.

i had a dream the other night about my dying succulent. instead of being dead, it had turned into a different succulent. different, but very much alive and thriving. and beautiful.

i accept that i want the other in my life, even if it can't be in the way i want. i am hoping that in the face of the death of one thing, something else can grow in it its place. something different, but healthy and alive.

because i cannot simply cross this other out. they are too special. i...i've never said this before, but i need them. i've always thought that people were, by and large, replaceable. this time i was wrong.

i hope they can understand.

only a masochist would love such a narcissist

gossip girl is so right on about love.

if you follow the charles bass/blair waldorf story arc from season 1 & 2, you understand my predicament with the other perfectly.

i even got that letter. almost word for word. the one that blair gets when she wakes up and charles is gone after he spends the night with her following his dad's wake.

it's a so....horrifyingly painful.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


i'm about to overdose on a drug called charlie sheen. and i'm bringing you all with me.

i've actually never liked him up until now. at this point he just straight doesn't give a fuck. and there's something to respect about that. and he makes a lot of good points. and, i mean, come on. it's not hard to understand that when you're bangin' 7 gram rocks and finishing them of course you're winning. and no one can tell you otherwise.

and, like charlie sheen, i too have one speed and one gear....go!

although. i'm about to burn out. i realized that i have been in this gear for going on four years now. and i'm completely exhausted. i can barely stay awake. except when i try to sleep. and then i can't.

i'm also behind on everything. i refuse to comply with arbitrary deadlines. i finish things when i finish them. that's how i roll. i'm more interested in doing things right than having them done. i am done pretending i'm not special.

but i am so. fucking. tired. the last two years or so have really taken it out if me. i am drained of my tigerblood. and i want it back.
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