Saturday, January 29, 2011

i'll follow the sun

cutting the other out of my life was the best thing i've done for myself in a long time. even my analyst, who is notoriously neutral about my choices, fully agreed and in fact went so far as to say that cutting them out of my life was the best thing i've done for myself since i plunged down this rabbit hole of self-introspection.

i know that it was best. and really, they left me no choice. which has been typical of our interactions for some time now.

but...that doesn't make me less sad. because, at the end of the day, they hurt me. so. fucking . much.

but what hurts more than that is that and i miss them. i honestly miss them. not as a representation of an idealized situation, but as a person. even as much as i realize that what i actually miss is the other that i knew originally. and that other hasn't been around for some time. i don't know where they went. i don't know why they had to do this with me. of all the people in the world, i wish it hadn't had to be with me. but the utility of knowing the answers to those questions is not great enough to balance the emotional cost of having to interact with them. not in the space they are in right now.

and they must reconcile what they did. they must reconcile that to me. i know that this time it was not my fault. i didn't deserve this. i just didn't. which is irrelevant at this point.

and i know that until they can genuinely appreciate how fucked up what they did was and atone for the way they were with me, then i can't have anything to do with them.

if there's one thing i've learned, it's that words are not enough. someone can say the most beautiful things in the world to you, but if those words aren't backed by action they are meaningless. love is an action. sorry is an action.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

holy mother of god

i came across these today...

my friend jo put it thusly...

"PANTONE COOKIES. If I had a box of these, I would not leave my locked bedroom until I had arranged and sorted them in every conceivable way -- and then, upon finding the perfect array, devoured every one."

word. up.

as an ocd person, i'm not sure if this represents nirvana OR a quick descent into madness. but i'm willing to dive straight down this rabbit hole. i'm getting anxious just looking at them. i want to find the logical order SO FUCKING BADLY. it has to be there. and at the end is sweet cookie bliss.

and don't it always seem to go

processing emotions is hard. i feel violated. not in a physical way, but in an emotional way. and emotional violation is hard. i am nothing, if not exceedingly careful with my feelings and emotions. i can spot inauthenticity from a mile away. but i let this other get to me. big time. and i know that the only reason that they were able to do that is because of the friendship that i had with them. the trust that took literally years to build. i trusted them implicitly. and that completely fucked me in the end.

i don't believe that this other is fundamentally bad. i just can't. because i know them. what i don't know is what happened. i probably never will. i know that i had to take a very hard line with this other. and it makes me very sad to realize that it hurts me far, far more than it hurts them.

i just...i love them so. i'm not going to waste time pretending that i don't. with other relationships, i know that i was only mad about the idea of something that didn't really exist. the idea of a relationship. but this time, i honestly miss them. but at some point, you have to recognize that you are worth something too. and people whose intentions are pure will treat you a certain way. even if it is costly to them.

and so it goes.

but it is in times like these that you find out who is down. and who isn't. a lot of people have reached out to me. most of them don't even know the situation. they only know that i am devastatingly sad. what they care about is that i am sad. because when you care about someone you don't need to know why, you just want to know what you can do.

thanks to my favorite persian. for making me laugh. thanks to my officemate for playing me gangsta rap songs. thanks most of all to 123654. the best friend anyone ever had.

i'll leave you with the song my officemate played for me. it's a bit harsh, gets to the point.

to the know you fucked up, right?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

i'm good. i'm gone.

i am left cleaning up a huge emotional mess. this time though. it is absolutely NOT my fault. i got sucked into someone else's abyss. lesson learned. you can't take on pain that's not yours. no matter how much you might want to.

that doesn't make it hurt less. it is incredibly painful. like...horribly painful. i cried most of yesterday. i woke up and five this morning. and cried some more.

i'm so...hurt. but i know that my intentions were good and i did everything i could do. this is on them. the only thing that is on me is that i believed this other. maybe i shouldn't have. maybe that was my bad.

i still have to process feeling bad about myself. like if i were better, this wouldn't have happened. but i can see how there was nothing i could have been. nothing i could have done.

and still the only thing i feel other than sadness is love. i loved this other so. very. much. and i know that in this case i made it very clear. and that's what this life is about. if you feel love, you have to let the other know. i've never been able to do that. because not getting it back is hard.

but i think about the people that i can't tell. and how i would give anything if i could just go back and tell them how amazing they were. how special. how much they are missed.

i'm going to miss this other. even when i was disentangling myself, i was missing them. but they haven't been acting like the other i know for a while now.

fuck. i miss them so much. i probably always will.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

filling the void

i got in my car today to go get coffee and the beatles were playing on the radio. which was just fucking perfect. the most overrated band in the universe (second to coldplay) goes perfectly with the overrated feeling on the planet, love.

i had the worst morning yesterday. the other got the better of me. again. i want so much to be cool and calm and collected when i deal with them. and they are the one person that i can't seem to be that way with. and before i know it a whole lot of emotions come hemorrhaging out of me. before i can even stop them. i just cannot show emotional restraint with this other. and the thing is, this is the situation that most calls for that restraint.

robert bates said that the beauty of constructing formal models was that you can really see how mechanisms within processes work. you wiggle one thing and something else moves. that's how it is with this other. they wiggle something and my feelings move. they tell me something and my heart moves. i can't control it.

and if there's one thing i fucking hate it's not having control. especially where my my feelings are concerned.

the worst part is that i can't stop these feelings at will. and i am trying. because...there's just no point to them. they are useless without reciprocity. but you can't make someone else feel something they don't. i have no idea what the other feels. idea. there used to be reciprocity, but now there is nothing. but i have to assume that in the absence of reciprocity, they feel nothing.

the terrible thing is that the feelings i feel for them are the most beautiful feelings i've ever felt. for anyone. they are completely unique.

and right now they are hurting me. the feelings and the other.

Monday, January 10, 2011

time to get ill


i barely made it through today. like....just barely. i was in class from 11-4. straight. i'm losing my voice and i can't breath.

AND...if that weren't enough....

i'm totally on the rag. so it's like emotions + not feeling good.

i have to go to the store and get medicine. but it hurts to move.

and i am telling this story ONLY to get pity.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

driving nails in my coffin

so yeah....i've moved from 70's folk rock to classic country. which i feel is an improvement over the 70's folk rock depressed state i had been in. it's more about the acceptance of suffering.

i've been all about denying its existence, as of late.

like if i don't talk about the other, then the pain that i feel because of them isn't real. i've been trying to not talk about it here. or to people i know. or even my therapist.

i've tried reducing the desired interaction to it's most essential cause. to try to determine what it is i really want.

i really want attention. and i REALLY want validation.

i went out last night. drowned my sorrows. smoked too many cigarettes. now i don't feel well AND i'm sad.

i just want what i want and i want it now. i want to feel like i matter to them. not just to anyone, but to them.

i feel all of these unkind, hateful things towards almost come out of my mouth. and then i realize that i don't mean those things and i only want to say them because i want the other to feel something. something that would actually make them pay attention to me.

i want them to feel what i feel. which is really hurt. and i want them to feel this because i feel so many things and in my mind they feel nothing.

but i can't say the hateful things. because i love this other. and as frustrated as i get, as angry as i get, as hurt as i sometimes i feel...i could never hurt them.

Monday, January 3, 2011

have you heard the good news?

if you're like me, 2012 is simply too far away. patience is simply not a virtue i posses and i would much prefer to just get on with it.

well, friends...

it seems we are not going to have to wait that long. the end is fast upon us. May 21, 2010 to be exact.

this is such a relief. as my grandmother is fond of saying....praise jesus. the wait has been killing me.

i know what you're thinking. that just doesn't give you much time to get your affairs in order. the good news is that you don't have to get your affairs in any order. because this is the end of things.

there's even a web page. where you can buy bumper stickers. and are encouraged to engage in something called "on the spot witnessing". i think that's sort of akin to what i do here, but...presumably without the porn references (see last blog).

so i've saved the date. cleared my schedule. but what do i wear? i need to RSVP?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

5 reasons YOU should see 'black swan'

1. it makes the ballet interesting.

i'm one of those people that LOVES the opera, but has never quite gotten into ballet. i love the music, just the idea of sitting through an entire evening is untenable to me. and don't even get me started on modern dance. but aronofsky more than establishes his genius with this exposition. perhaps it's the first person shots done from the perspective of the dancers themselves. or the painful depiction of self-inflicted punishment in the face of desire.

most likey it is my fifth reason...but still...the dancing was good.

2. natalie portaman is actually good in this movie and deserves all the praise she gets. for a change.

what can i say? i'm just not one of her fans. i think she is not that pretty and not that talented. i am also resentful of the fact that they let her come to harvard, as i am resentful of most celebs that get to go to the ivy league. wake up. the only reason they let these entitled individuals attend is to up the exclusivity of their institutions and further the commodification of knowledge. and yes. i am speaking from a place of jealousy.

aside from that, the new star wars trilogy was unbelievably terrible. and name one even remotely good movie she has been in. and don't even say 'cold mountain'. her accent was atrocious. like someone from harvard doing an exceptionally poor imitation of someone from southern appalachia.

BUT...she is awesome in this movie. the role was physically and emotionally demanding. and she did it.

3. winona ryder

enough said. good to see her working again.

4. the most accurate portrayal of what obsessive-compulsive tendencies + desire to succeed does to quality of life

this movie totally spoke to me on a professional level. what is demanded of you. what you have to give up. what you have to do to be better than other people in a world where everybody is trying to undermine everybody else all the time. it was like a portrait of academia, except people were WAY better looking.

i am the swan queen. totally.

in other words, the words of one of my favorite bloggers coketalk, this film is "the post-feminist Shining".

5. the hottest lesbian action since 'briana loves jenna'

if you lack the cinematic reference to understand this assertion, then there is just no helping you. in fact, you could make a very strong argument that aronofsky shamelessly borrowed from this seminal work in his conceptualization process. particularly in the exploration of duality.

AND mila kunis is one half of the equation. she is smoking hot. the whole girl on girl scene is fucking hot. 123654 went to see it with me and out jaws dropped. literally.

oh...and "true grit" was good too.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

the unintended consequences of convenience

i was given the best present ever for christmas....a droid-phone.

i am can now savor a feeling of absolute and constant connection with the outside world. i don't have to stress about if anyone has emailed me and i can't see it. i can check the weather. i can see maps. i know where the traffic is. and where the traffic is not. i can find restaurants and bars and gas stations and whatever else i might possible need. my horoscopes are instantly at my fingertips.

i don't have to panic when i can't get internet connection. now i get emails all day like text messages.

all this convenience comes at a price. that price being the enabling of my compulsive behaviors. i mean it's one thing to say 'i'm just going to check my emails once a day' (not that i ever abide by that or even say i'm going to do that), but with all that access at your finger tips constantly...well, i'm not one that can easily resist. i check all the time.

which leads me to the second point...just as you know when contact is being made with you, you also know when it isn't. it is painfully obvious by the mocking, desolate silence of the droid-phone that no one is either calling, texting, OR emailing you.

which is especially sad when you send emails that you very much wish would be answered. but the only answer you get is deafening silence.

however, i would like point out that this is a pitifully small price to pay for avoiding the feeling of total isolation.


on forgetting old acquaintances

eh...that's not really what this is about. i just wanted a new year's themed title and i am utterly bereft of creativity.

utterly bereft. of creativity. like...thomas kinkade. or...whatever. i can't even think.

here's hoping that this year is better than the last. or just good in some way. that's all i want. for one good thing to happen today. and i'm not alone in this. pretty much everyone i know is hoping for some improvement in their lives.

given my complete lack of originality today, i suppose the obvious choice for the new year's blog would be some discussion of resolutions. but, i don't really believe in those.

give up smoking? not on your life. not even on mine. cigarettes are fabulous. i realize that lung cancer is not, but hey...neither is any other way to die. seriously. name me a fabulous way to go. oh wait...what's that? you can't think of one? it's as i thought. AND i just read a truly terrifying story about cell phones and brain cancer. and i don't see anyone quitting those.

besides, i only smoke a couple of cigarettes a month. if that. so, no. i will not give those up.

i realize that this in a way contradicts my aspirations of taking better care of myself in 2011, but...whatever.

and then there is the fact that resolutions usually end up being broken. then you get to feel like a failure for not living up to this standard that you set for yourself.

and i feel like failure enough of the time.

happy fucking new year.

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