maybe it's the forced interaction. maybe it's being snowed in for days upon end. maybe it's simply being away from my own space.
or maybe it's all the work i've done in psychoanalysis that has me realizing how the environment in which i was raised has really fucked me up.
i believe to an extent that your happiness is your own responsibility. and so, i will not be held responsible for other people's unhappiness. not anymore.
i realize that, in part, the reason that i wake up everyday feeling like i am a bad person is a function of being raised in a house where you were constantly criticized. i mean...like all day long. where nothing you did was ever good enough. and where you were expected to apologize for yourself even when you hadn't done anything wrong just so that there wouldn't be any conflict.
except there was always conflict. and the person shoving all of this nonsense about appropriate action down your throat was someone that never once took responsibility for their own hurtful ways. and to this day still has not.
once while we were in paris, we were walking down the street this creepy guy grabbed me. my mother told me it was my fault for wearing a tight shirt. it was always my fault. all i heard growing up was how what would people think when they looked at me if i wore tight clothes. or a shirt that showed any skin at all.
once, i was in bed with my ex-boyfriend. we had just started dating. i sat up and started crying. i just remember saying 'i'm so sorry. i'm a bad person.' he didn't know what to do. he told me later that it shocked him.
i dated this guy a couple of years back. i told him after the second or third date that he should forget about me. i would only bring him unhappiness. he said that he just thought we should go out again. that it was way to soon for me to say something like that. but i knew the truth.
i don't know where these random stories came from.