Sunday, September 26, 2010

ooo, ooo, oooo

we've all been rejected. here's the appropriate response. it's also a superfly video, demonstrating once again the ATL's awesomeness.sometimes there's just no better way to say it.

sometimes there's no better way to say it.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

ritual capitalism

take comfort in rituals.

when i was in starbucks yesterday, i saw these words on what has to be the most disconcerting sign ever. it was advertising their latest sugar loaded fall flavored lattes.

touche starbucks. way to play on my inner-most desires for mental stability through ritual. the fact that i compensate for an increasingly strong sense of alienation with the same iced latte. day after day. morning after morning. like being able to depend on the consistent reproduction of a beverage can assuage the discomfort of severe inertia in my inter-personal relationships.

i couldn't count on you, but my iced latte will always be there. every morning. without fail. it will never leave me. it is always available, always just $4 away.

i'm also thinking that there must be a lot of OCD people at starbucks for this to be an effective marketing campaign.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

todo los dias

everyday. everyday.

just a little bit tireder.

today was the first day of school so i put on the nice dress that my mother bought me. put my hair up. and set off.

i left my house at 8:20AM. the bus was 20min late. i had to stand around looking at the sad array of sex offenders and methheads that hang out at the bus stop. only some of them actually ride the bus.

got to school. still no keys to my office. i won't have keys for another week. luckily, there was space for me to crash in the office of some good friends. one of whom is a total socialist...he came into the office and out conversation went a little like this...

me: hey. is it cool if i hang in your office until i get keys?
socialist: of course. but it's not MY office...
me: thanks. this your desk i'm sitting at? i can move...
socialist: why are you so hung up on the idea of property?

touche. he had me there.

went to discussion where we had nothing to discuss. but standing in front of all those kids takes its toll. i'm an introvert. so already, when i left i was exhausted. but my day had just begun...

read in the office until 2:45. then i realized that the location on the syllabus was different from the location listed online. and the place i was thinking it would be, was far from my office. all the way up on top of a hill. i didn't want to go there for nothing. so i emailed the professor. at 3:30, having heard nothing, i went down to the and asked the person in the office. she said it was in the room down the hall from where i was.

cool, i thought.

at 3:55 the professor emails me to say the class is up on the hill. this leaves me less than 15 min to get there. so i went as fast as i could in my nice dress. roasting in the sun.

i got there five minutes late. but it was cool.

the teacher is this very famous academic. so i was nervous. i've never taken a class with such a well-known person before. he was way crazy, but WAY awesome. it was a good class. it will be a good experience for me. well worth it.

i might hate my own bad fortune in coming here, but some things i wouldn't change. living in california. all the food. experiencing LA. and taking this class.

we got out early.

on the way home, the bus hit a crazy old drunk guy. actually, the driver didn't so much hit him as he tried to grab the bus and fell off the curb.

i was stuck. but i got to talk to an old friend on the phone while i waited. and that was good.

went to the taco stand. i passed by the smoke shop and saw my persian sugar daddy. i hung out with him and his son. they gave me some bottled water.

and that was my day. goodnight, moon.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

if jimmy carter says masturbation is alright...

then it IS alright.

with the entrance of christine o'donnell, politics suddenly became interesting again. and not because i care who gets elected and who doesn't. trust me, this ship is definitely sinking. all the middle run adjustments in the world can't fix it. or maybe i'm wrong.

it's irrelevant.

the economy. oil dependence. nuclear armageddon. war of all all against all.

fuck that noise, jack.

let's talk about something people can actually relate to. masturbation. christine o'donnell takes a very hardline against loving yourself, claiming in rather exquisite logic that you cannot masturbate with out lust.

i say, watch me.

and so does jimmy carter.( i can't get this video to embed, you have to link it). to a very red-faced jon stewart the other night. at apx 4:32.

if you watch the whole thing, you will notice that he also tells that we're all fucked. jimmy carter, i love you from the bottom of my lustful, adulterous heart. thanks for keeping it real.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

it's a methhead party...who could ask for more?

we me, actually.

a family of methheads, that's right, i said family, were having a gathering under my window last night. from 2:34AM until 7:38AM.

and they danced by the light of the moon. actually...that's not what happened. they mostly made a whole lot of noise and really freaked me out. i wanted to go tell them to shut the fuck up, but i was kind off scared to. methheads freak me out. you just never know what they're going to do. i was really hoping that my neighbor downstairs would hear them and say something. she isn't afraid of anything. but...sadly she slept through the ruckus.

this is one of the only times i have been scared in my own house. i even got up and made sure my door was locked. and their frantic energy gave me the worst dreams. i dreamed they stole my car. it was awful.

the worst part? i am now unrested, when i should be at my best.

Friday, September 17, 2010

you know what's not hot?


i went to the mall tonight. as those of you that read my blog know, i love to shop for lingerie. i like to try it on and stare in the mirror and think about how good i look. i do this at home too. but sometimes it's nice to switch it up. and there are so many beautiful things i would buy if i only weren't limited to the sale rack. or could find a suitable sugar daddy.

tonight i noticed a curious trend...there's a lot of lingerie that looks like/subtly references maid uniforms. and not just at fredrick's of hollywood. but in nice places like macy's.

guys, listen up. cause y'all are on some sick shit.

now before you label me some repressed christine o'donnell type, hear my words. i'm all for fantasy. i'm all for dressing the part. even if that part calls for a nurse's uniform or catholic school girl plaid.


the maid costume is where i clearly and non-negotiably draw the line. there's nothing sexy about cleaning. and fuck the whole power-class struggle backstory. this goes beyond dom-sub play. ain't nothing sexy about cleaning

i'm just saying.

new moon

after waiting ALL FUCKING DAY yesterday for my slow-ass internet connection to download the most recently available installment of the twilight saga, i got my needs met. haven't seen it? let me fill you in on the plot...

the whole thing plays out as a not-at -all subtle parallel to romeo and juliet, so you start out on an unrealistic conceptualization of love from the outset. it's bella's birthday so edward and his vampire family give bella gifts/a party. bella's all like 'i can't give
you anything in return, edward' and edward's all like 'just the fact that you're alive is the only present i'll ever need' (or something). also, with the the birthday, bella starts thinking about how she's going to get old and edward won't be wanting to suck face (potentially do it...if they EVER get to that) with an old lady. clearly.

so at the vampire party, bella gets a paper cut and edward's brother tries to eat her. and they battle. then, edward is all like 'bella, i like you too much. so much that i have to go away and never see you again. don't do anything foolish.' typical guy bullshit. i suppose that some things are the same whether you are human or vampire.

and she is devastated. it turns out, edward is lying. bella CAN see him. but only if she does something that threatens her life/really scares her. this means that rat
her than go through a whorish phase to seek validation after the loss of a love like most normal girls, bella goes through a thrill seeking phase. motorcycles. then cliff diving.

oh....and jacob turns into a werewolf. a sexy, swoll up werewolf. and he hangs out with other super fine wolves. and he loves bella too. and helps her out in all kinda ways while edward is off wallowing in emotion.
then...bella jumps off a cliff and long story short, edward thinks she's dead. so he goes to see the vulturi. unlike overly sensitive, emo-like cullen-coven, the vulturi are hardcore. they don't hesitate to fuck a vampire up, if said vampire gets out of pocket. edward wants them to kill him since he can't live if living is without bella. EVEN THOUGH he liked her too much to man up and try to make it work with her.

but, sadly, they don't want to kill edward. let me c
larify that i say sadly because i am on team jacob. why can't bella get with him? he's loyal, decisive, and not that hard on the eyes. even for me, and muscles aren't my thing. what's wrong with wanting to settle down in the pacific northwest and pop out some werecubs?

i digress. so the vulturi want edward to join them, but he's WAY too much of a pussy for that. so he decides to make him kill him by showing himself to humans. the vulturi don't like human exposure, they live off the grid, you dig?

and blah blah blah...bella saves him. but then the vulturi want to kill HER because she knows. oh, oh, oh...and tony blair...i mean...michael sheen... is the head vulturi. which is awesome.

and bella is impervious to their powers. so she either must die or must become a vampire. and edward, obviously, is too much of a whiny bitch for either option.

and jane the most bad-ass of all the vulturi (she can make people feel like they are burning to death using only her mind) is like 'make that shit happen. the vulturi don't give second chances...bitch'.

and in the end, bella decides to become a vampire. edward doesn't want to do it, but since he loves the idea that someday he might get to fuck bella, he will play along. oh...and she has to marry him first, naturally.


now i have to wait until december 4th for eclipse to come out on dvd. how will i make it?!?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

what follows experience?


or so they say.

i got called a cynic today and it devastated me. in a lot of ways. because of who said it. because of the way they said it.

i cried for a very, very long time. but not too them. by myself.

i'm not a cynic, i'm afraid. i can't trust. and i'm not comfortable with people saying things to me that i want to believe. i'm afraid to believe them.

i'm absolutely terrified. i want to. but it is so hard for me. can't they see i'm trying as hard as i can? doesn't that mean anything to them?

i'm mad at myself. because i always say the wrong thing to them. i want to say the right thing, but it always comes out wrong.

it never used to be this way.

i hate the way i am.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010 the airport


i don't especially want to go home. but i can't stay here. there's just nothing for me.

i'm unbelievably sad today. because i don't want to go. because my grandfather died. because i can feel my life closing in on me.

because i'm incredibly in love with someone who said they felt that way about me and i'm starting to see that maybe i got gamed after all. it doesn't happen often. i have severe trust issues. i just want them to tell me why they did it. why it had to be me. of all the people in the world.

i may be waiting on that for a while. fucking godot is going to show up before the answer to that question.

i wish they could see how much i do care. i wish they could appreciate that. they weren't just some random person i needed for validation, they meant the world to me. they still do. but i have to pull away. that's how i know i really love them. with my ex-boyfriend, i would have forced him to stay with me if i could have. with this person, i care about their happiness more than that.

but it fucking hurts. i wouldn't wish this on anyone. ever.

almost as much as i am hating the screaming children that just entered the boarding area. FUCK.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

god's will

my grandmother suggested today that maybe what we needed to was invite some bachelors to christmas and see if maybe i couldn't find someone suitable. to marry. if it was it was in god's plan for me to even get married. which implied that maybe it isn't and i shall be alone forever.

so now i suppose i can blame god for everything, which leaves me completely absolved.

trust me, if there is a god, i'm pretty sure that my current state of affairs was no plan of his. not that i'm in such a bad way.

i do feel stuck, though. like purgatory stuck. it isn't that i can't like people. it's that i like a person that may or not be the right one. i don't appreciate them bringing the idea of love into the equation. it has really fucked everything up. i don't know how to be anymore.

i haven't lost them, but i don't have them either. and i don't want anybody else. not really. and don't think i haven't tried.

completely. fucking. stuck.

Monday, September 13, 2010

twilight secrets

as in...the movie.

i finally watched it. last night, with my sister. who had already seen it. it was even more lame than i could have ever imagined.

want to know the real reason vampires don't go out in the sun? i can see you were thinking incineration, but it is far more sinister than that. the real reason, according to the mormon tween soft-core porn writer responsible for the twilight abomination, is that in the sunlight vampires glitter like diana ross circa 1977 studio 54.

and i can see why 12 year old girls go so crazy for it.

it's all foreplay. no real action, although my sister assures me that bella and edward (i'm on team jacob, in case you were wondering) get their fuck on in the movies to come.

i went ahead and looked at the plot summaries and she was telling the truth. in fact the last three books (and hopefully movies) are based around them doing it and the troubles that ensue vis a vis their unholy union. BUT...within the context of marriage, of course.

truth be told, the whole movie embraces the notion that love is equivalent with suffering and i am starting to see how we are socialized into thinking that pain and love are synonymous. so we tolerate all types of situations in our lives. more on that some other time

oh...don't get it twisted. i CAN'T WAIT to see what happens next. in fact...i'm downloading new moon off itunes right fucking now.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

l'shanah tovah

for a good new year.

no. i'm not jewish. although a lot of people have thought i am, for some reason. i don't feel that i look jewish. but i definitely don't look waspy, so i suppose that my vague eastern european-ness translates to jewish. i'm actually gypsy, i think, not jew. but it never bothered me. either way. i wouldn't mind being jewish in the least.

to be perfectly honest, i'm not even especially religious. i am, however, deeply superstitious and extremely respectful of tradition. how else do you maintain solidarity with the past? without tradition, we would all be totally adrift. in reality, we probably are adrift. but tradition allows us to feel anchored in this existence. and you know what to expect.

for these reasons, i love high holy days. the energy is good. i love ritual. i love the constant of it.

rosh hashanah is good because it represents the new year. casting away sins. not through atonement, but just letting go. and starting fresh. i love that.

letting go is a big theme for me right now. not of the other, but of things i don't like about myself.

i'm gonna make some honey cake and cast away.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

cinema one

i've watched three movies today. three reflections on love.

revolutionary road.

kate winslet + leo dicaprio--> the anti-titanic. shit goes very awry for these two. kate winslet's character, especially. it was, as my sister put it, one of the saddest movies i've ever seen. love may not even actually exist. despite the house, the children, the expectation. despite all the trappings, you might still end up bleeding to death on your perfect white carpet as you stare out at the perfect connecticut street.

the proposal.

a sandra bullock rom-com. not as bad as you might guess...after a series of mishaps, everything works out perfectly. love is found. together forever. quirky in-laws. the works. what you might call 'a hollywood ending'.


paris j'taime

this is a series of short films. different directors. each set in a different quarter of paris. each about love. varying interpretations of love. varying experiences of love. varying expressions of love. the one thing they have in common is that they all take place in the present tense. it is one of my favourite movies about love. and paris. it even makes me want to go back. and i didn't even really like it there. i found it cold and damp.

i suppose that i am trapped in between these divergent expressions. i want the idealized fantasy. i fear that i will end up like kate winslet, no matter what i do. but i suspect that there is only the immediate experience.

i want more than the present tense. but will i ever get it?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

anybody got a match?

i try to avoid the news but sometimes a story comes along that is too fascinating, no too mesmerizing to ignore. and also, i'm staying at my parents' house right now and they have this dedication to knowing what's going on in the world. i say the sooner the end of days comes, the better. and the details don't much interest me.


i have this almost perverse fascination with evangelicals and their preachings. especially pentacostals. particularily, since just recently i found out via tb that they engage in prophesy as part of their deal. tb went to one once and the guy just stopped preaching and phrophesized about him. apparently, this minister was dead on about stuff from tb's life and offered suggestions from god.

i was all about this and told tb we had to go. after all, it sounds cheaper than a psychic. but then tb pointed out that there were a few skeletons that i might not like to have called out in a room full of people. even people i don't know. so...that put an end to that.

but this is only vaguely related to the point at hand.

meet the man above. a one, dr. terry jones. he probably looks familiar. he's the one who wants to burn the koran to commemorate 9-11.

let me fill you in. i looked up his details so you all don't have to. his church, while not self-described as pentacostal is pretty much exactly that. all fire and the good word. basically, all you need to know is that he is to islam what rev. fred phelps is to homosexuality. the message is this...

"We need to speak up against sin and call the people to repentance. Abortion is murder. Homosexuality is sin. We need to call these things what they are and bring the world the true message: that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Him (John 14:6).

Any religion which would profess anything other than this truth is of the devil. This is why we also take a stand against Islam, which teaches that Jesus is not the Son of God, therefore taking away the saving power of Jesus Christ and leading people straight to Hell.

It is our vision to go around, to preach and to challenge, and to get the church involved and ready. We must go outside of the walls, and march for righteousness."

he also wrote a book called "islam is of the devil". oh... yes.

i thought that natural disasters were going to usher in the end of things. but clearly, i was wrong. and samuel p. huntington was right. thanks dr. jones. for playing midwife to the culture war that will accelerate our rapid descent into armageddon. i was feeling like 2012 was too far away. thankfully, we might not have to wait that long after all.

i mean just check out those sideburns...this man is ready to kick the devil in the throat. which to him is...islam. but don't feel too safe if you don't immediately self-identify into this category...this includes gays and mouthy women as well.

oh...and in case you're unconvinced, on the news tonight, dr. jones let america know that he asked god personally to speak now or forever hold his peace on the appropriateness of koran burning and god has given unequivocal approval by opting to stand mute. AND dr. jones knows for a fact that if you asked jesus what to do, jesus would be like 'burn, baby, burn'. disco inferno style.

you've been warned.

Monday, September 6, 2010

little house in the big woods

i heard coyotes last night. that's right. coyotes.

i woke around 3am to the sound of howling. i thought the howling was coming from our dogs until i realized that it was coming from what sounded like the field right next to my parents' house. so much howling. and i could hear puppies too. they sounded like dogs.

except they aren't.

i felt just like laura ingalls wilder. you know where the wolves come and circle the house? and they girls and ma are scared because they can hear them howling but they don't have actual glass windows (just wax paper) and there isn't a real door? and the hairs on jack the brindle bulldog are standing straight up and he growls a low growl?

it was exactly like that, except our dogs didn't wake up. just me. but it was that scary. there was something really creepy about the whole thing. there sounded like a lot of them.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

listen up boys...

i've mentioned before that i have a hope chest. it was a gift my mother gave me upon graduating from high school. for those of you not from the south, a hope chest is where you amass and store your trousseau. that is, the things you will need to set up housekeeping. i don't think that hope chests were unique to the south, i just don't think they get mentioned in other places as much. it's real traditional down here y'all.

well...i'm here to tell all you fellas that i now come with the following household necessities. a full set of china. it belonged to my grandmother's best friend miss cheryl, who died a few years back. her (aging) bachelor son didn't
want it. so my mom got it from him. AND now i have silver. the silver i kind of usurped from my mother. she bought it at the antique store because she liked it and thought it was interesting. i then pointed out how well it would go with the china. she agreed. but also suggested that she would hold onto it for me until the time came for me to take it to my own house.

so...that's right...i come with full place settings, y'all. as seen above (place mat NOT included).

i also come with an antique bed that belonged to my great grand-parents, a full sized antique dresser with mirror. an art deco wardrobe (original). some chairs from the sixties (waiting room and beauty parlour). a record player + a record collection. a blender. and a four foot lamp from the sixties.

this is, of course, all in addition to my fantastic personal qualities. including the most beautiful heart.

Friday, September 3, 2010

past, present, future

sitting here watching the dogs play. yes. playing. that is what they're doing in this picture.

thee little one has to be having attention all the time. kind of like me.

it has been a good day. sad, in a lot of ways. but...good.

i spent most of the afternoon with my grandmother. she told me about how she met my grandfather. and talked a lot about how much she misses him. it made me very sad.

i cooked dinner for my mother and i. daal maharani with mint chutney. it was perfect. my
mother fried okra spears for us we ate it on top of the daal and it was delicious.

i also drank like half a bottle of wine.

and now i am writing this. i have continued on today in my attempt to trust. but i am scared. what if i am wrong again?

one of the most useful things i have learned in therapy is to stop thinking of things in terms of best. what is best. what is ideal. there is no best. there are only choices and consequences. actions and reactions.

i continue on. trying to understand myself. trying to accept that after all this isn't me. not entirely. that if someone lies to you, it isn't your fault for believing them. although it is hard to not just assume that things are lies all the time.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

deeds committed in a prior state of existence

this is one definition of fate.

i think a lot about my interactions with others. an interaction last week, the details of which i will not (cannot) discuss in detail here, has left me particularly thinking. about myself. the reactions i have to certain things. about being able to get to this place where i can just trust and not question every little thing that someone does or says.

in the briefest sense...someone said x and the first thing i did was seek additional validation. they didn't give it. which i hate, but is for the best. i read in a book today that with ocd in interpersonal relationships it doesn't help to give into their need for validation. it just feeds the compulsion. it doesn't really make them feel better.

i have to say this is painful, but true.

so i thought about all of this. and how i really want things to be different with this person.

and i got to this really positive place.

but then it just kind of got shattered. it was nothing they did or said. just something i saw that made me think about why i can't trust. in this situation particular. it's fear of getting hurt.

but i want to be able to trust this person so badly. i am trying. i just don't have any idea what's going on. at least, that's what i feel like.

but i am trying to only take the things that they have said to me. at face value. and not let my imagination go crazy.

but i'm so scared. scared of how much it will hurt if i find out that they are lying to me. or that they did lie to me.

but interpretation of fate is that we create it anew every day that we live. so i'm going to give that a try.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

airport fun

fuck. coldplay is the most overrated band since the fucking beatles. yes. i said it. the wworkers at the airport tgi fridays must be in some serious hard places to continue put themselves through this audio assault day after day. hats off to them.

i just ordered a 22oz beer to chase down my baily's and coffee breakfast. feeling good, feeling are you? please tell me you get that reference....


i shared the airport shuttle with my future self. god willing.

this woman was in her seventies. emphasemic. reeking of cigarettes. but perfectly dressed. pink suit. jewelry. hair perfect.

her husband died five years ago and at the insistence of her family she is moving to florida. st. petersburg. to a retirement villa. she told me about going to see it and how everything was beige. so she told them that all of her things (which she gets to bring) are pastel and the colors simply wouldn't work for her. so they are repainting.

i totally get that. where you live is important. it should be something you like.

she told me about how much she doesn't want to leave california. she's been here for forty years. 35 of those with her husband. i have to believe it is more about not wanted to leave her home than leave this squalid place.

although there are beautiful things there. for the first time, yesterday, i went in the post office downtown. it was this beautiful space from the twenties. old school post office. original everything. lots of dark wood. i love finding beautiful things when you aren't expecting them. even the people working there were nicer than the regular post office. how could you not be? that space would just make you happy.

ugh...i can't get the taste of kimchi out of my mouth. i've brushed my teeth like three times. it's fine for me, but other people aren't going to want to be near me. it's just so fucking good. i couldn't stop eating it yesterday.

(this is posted after the fact from phoenix. fuck ontario's lame ass internet)

stay tuned for more tales of unhappy travel...

the day of the mortal sin

began with the sloth who didn't want to get out of bed.

in my wasn't entirely my fault. i was forced to be early last night with a migraine. the kind that forces me to just stop whatever it is that i am doing and just curl up and close my eyes. but it was hard to sleep. or what felt like sleep wasn't restful. and i woke up exhausted. i had to then convince myself that it was ok to sleep past 7am.

it continued with t
he glutton who indulged in an extremely un-kosher meal in koreatown.

spicy pork
belly. way too much of it. i love pork belly the way i love hog jowl. i eat it and it tastes so rich, so delicious that i feel like i'm doing something wrong just by eating it. no amount of kimchi, spicy bean sprouts, and
marinated shredded celery can assuage me. it's like blood sausage. i savor every mouthful, but my body ultimately rejects it. which means i'm probably going to get very sick later.

i wish i could say i stopped there. but after eating myself slightly ill on pork belly, which admittedly didn't take THAT much (it's so
rich), i made a little stop at koo's sweet pancake ho-tteok cart. but i had to wait like ten minutes while the pancakes were being bought one of the beautiful miniature mousse cakes that were sold inside the market. in my defense...they were really small. see?

the sin doesn't stop there.

the day ends with the murder of a spider.

when i came home, there was a spider crawling around my room. i normally don't bother them, but this one freaked me out. i tried to get it onto a piece of paper and it jumped at me. it scared me, so i grabbed the 409 and drowned it in chemical cleaner. now i keep thinking i feel it crawling on me.

i am so going to hell.
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