Monday, August 30, 2010

people love smoking

i love smoking.

i started watching mad men tonight and the one thing that i liked the most, other than the clothes obviously, was the cigarettes. these weren't just any cigarettes they were smoking. these were guilt free cigarettes. smoking was the norm.

it reminded me of when i went to spain, but with better dresses and martinis everywhere.

now if you light up, especially in america, people look at you like you just declared jihad.

haters.

i don't even smoke that much anymore. maybe once a month or so. but i think if i met someone and they wanted me to quit, i would come to resent them so much that i would have to end it. i just want the option. and if it comes down to them or my light 100's, i'm going with the 100's.

i should stop now. i have a migraine. i woke up with the sickening sensation that i was borderline headache this morning. and then finally my head just sort of exploded with pain. it's very hard to type. i'm not really sure why i am even trying.

loose ends

are what i've been tying up. more things that i've left until the absolute last minute because i didn't want to do them. mostly they involve talking to people. things like sorting out my fall quarter schedule.

i've been dreading this because i had to ask about taking a class. but i didn't know whom to ask. but the general attitude is to keep everything as ambiguous as possible and then respond with "everybody knows that". it is beyond frustrating.

plus i'm still waiting for the inevitable challenge to my petition for in state tuition.

i want to just quit today.

political science...i've given you all and now i'm nothing.

you have taken every ounce of energy i have. this year has really just emptied me of any desire. for you.

all i wanted was respect. but i realize now that it's never going to be enough. it will be the rest of my life fighting for that respect. one paper at a time. one conference at a time. it's never going to stop. the discipline is constructed this way. self-reinforcing path dependency. oblivious to efficiency. much like the capitalist world-system.

i want to be free. i just have to figure out how be happy with making the break and tying the loose ends.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

happy anniversary....

to my blog.

it's been two years to the day since i started chronicling the ups and downs of my psyche. truthfully, it's been more down than up. but i am coming back big in the 2010.

and speaking of ups and downs. i spent last night looking in the mirror admiring my beautiful body. it's round and soft, but not fat. like a pin-up girl. absolutely gorgeous.

but then i woke up this morning with the sinking feeling that i'm putting on weight. my jeans felt tight. it was a crushing feeling. but i have been eating a lot of sugar lately. i tried to console myself by the fact that i'm about to get my period and this swollen feeling will pass. but now i'm so freaked out. i fucking hate it.

i spent a while looking in the mirror. counting every rib. admiring my boniness. i just took my measurements just the other day and they are unchanged. this has to be mostly in my head.

i need to find a scale. fast.

but in the mean time...thanks for reading. after two years, i am up to eight followers. and i don't even know all of you. it makes me feel special. i love you all.

Friday, August 27, 2010

the end is nigh

the end of good taste, for example.


there are lots of things wrong with this picture.

first, the serious lack of parenting. who the fuck lets their child listen to katy perry? you would raise a better child letting them listen to gangsta rap. not that this self-contrived walking blow-up doll isn't the living, breathing personification of 'bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks"... (just sayin')

katy perry...STEP AWAY FROM THAT CHILD. go act out the effects of your repressed sexuality stemming from being raised by holy rolling parents somewhere else.

dancing at crazy girls perhaps?

i mean the very least you could do for us is drop the pretense. you're not fooling anyone. except maybe the parents of this poor girl.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

i'm about my business

at least...this week i have been.

'tis the season for taking care of necessary things that involve stressful interaction. things that could have been taken care of earlier, but i just couldn't bring myself to talk to people.

i had to call the landlord because my lease ends sept 16. and guess what? guess what?

on top of the fact that my landlord has a sexy voice and is very nice, it automatically goes to monthly!!!!

I AM FREE.

this past year i have felt so trapped. stuck in a contract. even if i wanted to quit, i couldn't. this is also why i was afraid to call, total cold feet about committing to another full year. now i just have to give 30 days notice, something which is totally doable, and i can leave whenever i want.

i feel so relieved.

the second thing i had to do was try to get my residency switched for tuition purposes.

it was awful. apparently they might try to challenge my residency because i went home for two weeks. TWO FUCKING WEEKS. out of the whole summer. the rest of the time i was here, sweating it out in hell's sitting room. working and the like.

i was pretty much like "oh, hell no." but i have to wait and see.

like it wasn't enough that you took my entire fellowship, leaving me broke and debt driven? now i can't even go on vacation?

whatever. let the battle begin.

i also had to get my oil changed. for some reason this totally panicked me. apparently my hypochondria extends to my car.

how hot IS it?


it's SO hot that...

i soaked myself in a bathtub of cold water, but i had to keep letting water out and adding more cold water because my body heat was heating the water too fast.

it's SO hot that...

when i first turned on the cold water the stream that came out of the spigot was so hot that it scalded my hand. it was hotter than the water that came out of the hot water spigot.

it's SO hot that...

i burn my feet when i walk in the kitchen without shoes.

it's SO hot that...

i can't touch my walls. they are like giant heat conductors.

it's SO hot that...

i can't even think to describe it anymore. time to make another super-fruit smoothie and soak in the cold water. maybe i should add ice to the bath...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

to admire without desiring

doesn't exist for me. or maybe it does.

i had finally gotten to the point where i could put my desire into words. where i could say what it is that i want. but my analyst asked me to do this the other day and i couldn't.

it made me feel so bad. i couldn't even say it to him. and he is the last person who is going to judge me.

i want. i want. i want.

i know what i want. at least, regarding a specific thing. but i can't get the words out. because i'm scared. scared to want this thing.

i have love. in my heart. for someone. not anyone, but someone. but i have had to let them go. maybe they should have let me go.

letting go of cigarettes was easier.

i try not to talk to them about every little thing. even thought i want to. i didn't know how hard that would be. i'm glad they don't know how hard it is. i think it makes me seem odd. it is odd that you would want to talk to someone else that badly. that their voice would make you that happy.

everyday i hope to hear from them. some days i'm disappointed. some days i'm not. but at this point, it's on them. they have to want to talk to me. they have to want me, in general.

how i feel is clear. i'm not going to keep saying it.

every person i've been romantically connected to leaves. but they always come back. in some way, shape, or form. usually after i've made peace with their absence. they want to talk about the good times. the good times that were. while they enjoy the good times now with someone else.

someone calmer. less volatile. less needy.

i don't want that this time. not with this person. i want to enjoy the present. not look back on the good times.

i'm not sad, per se. but i do feel like my heart is breaking. i miss them so. i miss all of them, in a way , but one in particular.

fuck. it is so hot here. beyond description. so hot that i took a cold bath just trying to cool my body down. it worked for like 10 min. i drink smoothies with power fruits. that works momentarily.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

in the valley of tar that once was LA


i had mole negro. which was basically a chicken submerged in a valley of tar. the exact dish is pictured to your left...i mean right....no, left. i'm sort of dyslexic.

usually i stick to yelp for my food discussion, but i thought i would share here because it was so interesting. and satisfying.

the thing about this restaurant is that it made me wish i wasn't eating by myself. there were so many things i wanted to know the taste of. usually i know the taste of things, but not this food. and there's only so much i can eat. i couldn't even finish what i got.

i love LA. the only city that even comes close is london. but there's no mexican food there. so they lose.

i am a total tourist when ever i am there. i'm the driver people hate to be behind. because i'm trying to look at everything. so many things to see. so many things to taste.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

to russia, with love

russia. purveyor of so many fine things. vodka. caviar. mail-order brides.

and home/vacation destination to at least one of my readers. thanks to the magic of google analytics, i can see that someone in moscow reads my blog. accessing it directly. which is surprising, because i don't know anyone in moscow or with the means to get to moscow. i think it's fabulous. i'm an international girl.

seriously, the internets make it too easy to indulge your inner stalker. because why think logically when you can get random details of someone's life, take them out of context, and leap headfirst into any manner of unsavory conclusion? i mean...if you're, um...into that sort of thing.

i am still in the process of processing. which essentially means that i have spent the past two days trying to figure out what is the meaning of everything. what i should do about this thing or that.

and the answer is, i don't know.

what i have decided is that i will stay put until i can find something better. i love learning. this was never about having a career for me. it was always about learning. to be the most well-rounded being-in-the word that i can be. if something better comes up, i will do it. i have no qualms about moving, if there is a better opportunity. but i'm not going back to restaurants. i'm not saying never, just not right now. why should i, when they're continuing to pay me.

and that's all i can really say.

the love/curry connection

if i could describe love to me, right now, it can only be compared to the the southern curry at jitlada. i ate there a couple of weeks ago. what impressed me this dish was the way in which it made me feel something that i hadn't felt in recent memory. something new.

i...i.... can't even put the flavor into words. it was like nothing i have ever tasted. it was so hot that i could feel it in every part of my body after one bite. but the flavor was so exquisite that i could eat it everyday for the rest of my life and never get bored.

it excited me that after all of this time that i could still be surprised. that there are still things out there that are so pleasurable, yet so foreign. it was completely unexpected.

but completely wonderful.

that how love most recently felt to me. after everything, i can still be surprised. it was the most singularly beautiful feeling.

it is the most singularly beautiful feeling.

the difference is that, with the curry, i can have it anytime i want whereas love depends on the other. and there are no guarantees. i can only speak in terms of me.



on a vaguely related note. i feel terrible about a conversation i had earlier. i don't like the way i expressed myself. because it wasn't how i feel, at least not all the time. and i didn't want to argue with my sister today of all days. she loves me. and i love her. and i just wanted to express a certain thought and it was a major fail. i have to get better at that.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

not so useless

what i wrote earlier? not exactly what i wanted to say. or maybe...not exactly how i wanted to say it. i am working very hard to try to understand why i feel things. and how i express them. and what is at the root of them.

it came from a place of being scared and alone. i miss my family.

death is very hard to process. it makes me think of my own life. and what i want. it makes me hurt for people i love.

it is true that i do want to have children. i do want to be married. i want to share my life with someone. i don't want to live alone anymore.

despite everything that has happened in my life, i have a lot of love in my heart. and i want to share that with someone.

i know what i want my life to look like.

yes. i do love someone very much. so much, in fact, that it is breaking my heart. i had tried to put it to the side because it just isn't happening right now. the past few days i have found myself thinking about it more and more. because, life is short. and because i miss them very, very, very much.

not just because i want to lean on them, although i do. but because i love them.

i have spent a lot of time feeling bad about that. for a lot of reasons. but not anymore. the feeling i have towards them is the most beautiful feeling i've ever had towards anyone. i can't explain it.

i believe that when they said it to me, they meant it. but it doesn't make it hurt less that i can't talk to them.

it is never useless to feel or express love for someone else. never. right now, even with all of the frustration towards one thing and all of the sorrow towards another, love is what i feel most of all.

love for my family. love for another.

the separation hurts more than anything.

the three most useless words

are, without a doubt...'i love you'.

because the truth is they mean nothing. they sound good. they make you feel good. but what do they really get you?

in my personal experience...usually...nothing.

the cold hard truth is that i don't want to be alone anymore. i write a lot about how i am happy being single, but it could be that i am just trying to adjust my preferences to my reality. like maybe if i just say i want what i have, then i'll be happy.

all you have to do is take these lies and make them true. somehow.

i criticize married people. and couples. and people in love. and people with children. because secretly i want those things. well, not so secretly now, i guess since i'm writing them here.

i want to be married. i want a family. i want to have a baby. i want those things more than a career. because the truth is, i can always find something to do for a job.

my misfortune is that i've only ever met two people in my that i would want that with. two. out of the myriad of people that i have had the misfortune of becoming romantically entangled with, i've only ever actually said 'i love you' to two.

and i meant it both times. 100%. i still do.

but i don't think they meant them when they said them to me. i honestly have no idea. i want to believe, but it is hard. i have always believed in the power of words. that they are deeply meaningful and significant. but this past few months has shown me how truly empty words can be. because what's the point, really?

my grandfather's funeral is today. i'm not there. as i said before, i couldn't get a flight. there was only one seat. it was over a thousand dollars. to go home for less than 48 hours. but given how unbelievably hard it is to go through this all alone, the price seems modest.

i'm hurting today. a lot. i know that you have to be self-sufficient, but are there not times when it's acceptable to reach out?

i want to. so bad. but nothing hurts more than reaching out and finding out there's actually no one there. nothing.

so i don't. i don't reach out.

Friday, August 20, 2010

throwness

if you think about it, existentialism and the study of anxiety fit perfectly together. at least, for me. the reason for this is that a great deal of existentialism addresses the friction between existence and consciousness. it is in this friction that anxiety arises. they all do it in different ways, but to me the idea is the same.

for the religious existentialists is was the reconciliation of the existence of god with the total absence of knowing that there is a god.

for the atheistic existentialists, it is the reconciliation of self and the passage of time. we're stuck in the moment trying to reconcile the past which is no more and the future which is not yet.

central to this is the concept of throwness. the idea that we are flung into this world of experience without access to the past which contributed to them or the future resulting from them. so we can only act (or not act) in the actual moment.

for lacanians, as far as i can tell, the anxiety arises from the obstruction of desire. specifically, the inability of the subject to express the desire. without expression, the desire cannot come into real existence. but it is still there in your psyche. bringing you down. exhausting you.

it makes sense to me. even though i have gone on about the other to some extent here, i could not say my desire. because it is scary. but now i know. i am ready to say what it is i want. i had reached this point yesterday morning.

then my grandfather died. death puts you in a weird space. i am torn between an even more pressing sense of urgency in my life on one side, and then an absolute letting go of the expectation. on one hand...there's no time to waste. on the other, is there really any point to the stress of the desire for immediate gratification?

it is the strangest feeling.

the one thing i do know is that i know what i want. i can express it.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

a time for all things

my grandfather died today.

the only thing i can say is that nothing ever prepares you for the shock of death. nothing. no matter how much you think about it. no matter how you reconcile it to yourself.

it hurts way more than i thought it would. maybe it is weird to write about it here. but...i am alone and...i have to do something. i can't go home for the funeral. there were no flights. no seats.

in a weird way i am relieved. i don't want my last memory of him to be a funeral. i just don't.

the one thing i do think is that people don't tell each other that they love them enough. i realize that this might seem very clich├ęd but i think it is true.

that's really all i can say.

they make our lives whole

dogs, not people.

this has been a strange morning. no. not strange. interesting.

i went to get coffee. while i was there a couple came in. the man was obviously in bad health, he had a cane. he was very shaky. the woman was helping him. they start talking to the dirty old man who sits outside smoking cigars. i say dirty because he was always talking some shit to me about when were we going to go out. i didn't mind that, but then one day he touched me inappropriately. and that freaked me out. so now i just don't talk to him. unwell man and dirty old man decide to go to the cigar shop.

the woman starts talking to me.

as it turns out, the unwell man's passion is cigars. despite the fact that he has 'the cancer'. and seven stints in his heart. and diabetes. she told me his time is getting closer and closer.

their dog died last january. she said to me 'i'm going to tell you something. maybe you will understand, maybe you won't. it doesn't matter if you do or not. it's what i believe.'

she told me that as her husbands health gets worse, he has already started crossing over she believes. he has been seeing the dog. and feeling the dog's presence. even smelling her.

the dog, as it turns out, died very young. just about the time that the man took a turn for the worse. the woman told me that she believes that the dog absorbed the pain from the man and took it on herself. she said that after being with this man for 15 years, through raising children, through all kinds of things...she never saw him as emotional as over that dog. she believes that when he dies, the dog's beautiful eyes are the first thing he will see when he crosses.

we should all be so lucky. truly. no one will ever love you like your dog.

as a side note, the woman then started talking to me about my life. and all of the sudden i just started talking about myself. which i never do with strangers. only on my blog and to people in my family.

things you find out at 4am when you can't sleep

i'm constantly amazed/shocked/horrified at the things that the internet does when you're not paying attention.

i woke up at around 4am and couldn't sleep. so was on the internet looking at this thing and that. i was logged into my gmail account, so i wrote in the status 'can't sleep'. i've never written in the status line before, because...why would i?

and then gmail was all like 'this now appears on buzz(?) and people can see it and blah blah blah.' so i clicked on the buzz link. apparently, you can follow people and see their status, etc. and i was following someone. but i never authorized that. but they can see that i'm following them, so they probably think i'm weird. so i un-followed with the quickness. yahoo mail had done the same thing to me.

and i also found that NO ONE was following me.

and i don't know which bothered me more.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

et tu, ovo?

really?

while scanning random things on the internet, i ran across this. egg recall? salmonella contamination?

are you fucking kidding me?

this would happen on the week that i've eaten nothing but two poached eggs atop bacon salad with caramelized shallots every night. two extremely undercooked eggs, i might add. undercooked foods are going to be the death (or at least hospitalization) of me, i realize this. there's only so long that you can ignore those well-placed warnings on raw bar menus and stick your fingers brazenly into the cake batter, with the admonishments of your mother falling deaf ears.

but....it's just...i like the runny yolk. that borderline gelatinous yolk. and coating the lettuce leaves. and the fork. and my tongue as i lick the plate. and...GODDAMMIT.

i mean, seriously. i haven't eaten eggs in months.

i'm pretty sure that my nausea and abdominal pain is from stuffing myself with super spicy indian food and then eating WAY too much ice cream...but you never know. on the upside, i suppose a case of salmonella would help me lose that last ten pounds, but i would rather do it the old fashioned way through extreme self-denial.

fuck.

astrological triangulation

so i've had my coffee and have moved past my emotional outburst of this morning. i am trying to moved past just indulging feelings of emotional neediness and trying to figure out why i have them. or what the appropriate balance is. or something.

because i reread things like that and i feel totally...lame. i don't want to lean. i want to be balanced. and i've been trying so hard to be balanced. and to think about feelings. so when i'm not, i feel like a failure.

so i checked the horoscopes.

my tarot card for the day was 'adjustment' (some non-traditional new-age deck. not what i prefer, but i check all angles). hmmm adjustment... you don't say. mastering inner...things.

shine horoscopes said...

Your sensitivity to your people is totally adorable, but it's past time to start thinking about what you need to do for yourself. Start out with something easy but vital, and make it happen right away. Leave work for an hour to take a long walk or even get a massage. You need to plan for the future, too: What steps can you take to get to an even better place? Shift toward that path.

proastro said...

Someone's support today is quite welcome...

well....obviously. but is 'quite welcome' equivalent to what is most healthy for me? because really what i was looking for in my horoscope was an indication that someone was going to reach out and be there. and there is no one.

although, that's not entirely true...123654 did call. and that was most welcome.

the question that remains is...why can i give all of this support to other people, but none for myself?

i should be all about it. since today is supposed to be all about self. but...i'm not. but i am going to go do things i like. eat indian food. and...ice cream.

and think about self. some more. on the up note, i am closer to knowing what i want.

but i still can't say it.

a kind word

can go a long way.

it would go a long way for me right now.

i'm great at giving support. at least, i think. i'm not great at receiving it. i'm afraid to lean on people. because it's always at the point that you think they will always be there, that you reach out and they are gone. so i've kind of stopped reaching out. i'm afraid to reach out.

maybe it isn't my fault. maybe the blame lies, at least in part, with the other. the various others that i have reached for but who weren't there. the one who's not here now.

because right now....i need someone.

the fucked up thing is i've gone through my life trying to let anyone be that someone. and now that doesn't work. it doesn't make me feel better.

i just need a kind word. i deserve it. i'm scared and i'm alone and...i just don't know.

i'm not so foolish as to think that a person even exists whose presence can magically make me feel wonderful. and that i'll never be sad again as long as they are around. i have good days and bad days just like anyone else. i am working so hard on myself.

i just want to know that there is someone there who can see the good things. because today it is hard for me to see them.

Monday, August 16, 2010

built around things unnoticed at the time

i am in the weirdest space at the moment. like...more weird than normal.

as i had stated a few days ago, my grandfather is not well. he could go at any time. literally any time.

but he hasn't yet.

from talking to my sisters and my mother, i gather that he is gone. it is just the body that is left. the physical self. which isn't really the self at all.

when i spoke to my grandmother she said it was time. then she started talking to me about jesus. i'm really glad she has that to ease her pain. i had to try so hard not to start crying.

my mother said it was best that i wasn't there. that i should remember him the way he was. i'm trying. but the harder i try, the less i remember.

and i don't know how to proceed. there is only so much peace you can make with death until it actually happens. so...i cry randomly. mostly when i talk to someone in my family. i get so sad because i miss them.

i hate crying alone. not that i'm not used to it, lately. i just wish i could be with my family. there are a lot of things i wish right now.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

if life is what happens when you're busy making other plans...

then what's your death going to happen like?

everyone processes death differently. i respond by planning. for myself. not that i anticipate that this will happen anytime soon. it's just that you simply cannot leave your arrangements up to the bereaved you have left behind. then you get what they want. not what you would have wanted. and exerting control is how i maintain. even if it is an illusion.

i told my mother tonight that she had better have her affairs in order. i'm no good in times of emotional volatility. i'm not like her. and i don't know if i would be able to take care of her until the end the way that she has of my grandfather. so she had better encourage lauren to go to nursing school. i'm just being honest. she said never expected me to.

at least we're both realistic.

she also said that she didn't care about her funeral. doesn't matter to her. maybe it doesn't matter to her. but it fucking matters to me.

i have it all planned out. although, while i say i don't anticipate it any time soon, to be perfectly with you i had always envisioned my young and beautiful corpse. in my revised funeral i want to be buried in my blue vintage cocktail dress, with my pink beaded necklace and jackie-o frames.
i want tb to say a few words. even though i don't expect that he will actually come. not because he doesn't care, but because he hates that sort of thing. he did promise to come to my funeral and make a huge grieving scene. sadly, i won't be there to hold him to that.

this was how i pictured it. but in reality, i think it would be better to be cremated. it think it is better for the earth. then it doesn't matter how old i am. i can just have all these pictures of myself looking lovely.

i want good lighting. lots of candles, no overhead.

the only music i want at the actual service is the elgar cello concerto. i've always thought it was super tragic.

then i want a party. open bar. a lot of champagne (sparkling). iron horse wedding cuvee. NO veuve cliquot. i cannot emphasize that enough. i will not be remembered by status symbol champagne that is utterly bereft of personality.

no well drinks. all top shelf. grey goose. belvedere. tangueray. bombay sapphire.

i want heiwa shekudo to do the food. at least, some of the food. guadalupe could also do some. only the best.

the only regret i want to have about my funeral is that i won't be able to be there to enjoy it.

the love that lasts the longest

tb isn't as useless in times of sorrow as i thought. quite the contrary.

i realized this when he called this morning to say he loved me. and to apologize for being insensitive. even though he doesn't really feel bad. it didn't matter to me anyway. tb is who he is and i love him no matter what. i know that his apparent insensitivity is only a cover up for hyper-sensitivity.

i was just glad he called.

more than anything, right now i am so alone. it seems that lately it has been one emotionally exhausting thing after another. i'm getting so tired. i'm also getting a migraine. and heartburn.

emotions affect me physically.

i want to go home and i can't. i should be there and i'm not. i called my grandmother today. she told me it was ok. it didn't make me feel better. it took every bit of... composure to not start crying on the phone.

but as soon as i hung up, i couldn't stop. i wanted my mother, but she has enough to worry about.

so i called thomas. as much as he can't listen to me cry. he did. for as long as he could stand. and that was enough for me.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

between the wish and the thing

lies waiting.

waiting. waiting. waiting.

waiting for my eggs to poach. waiting for this day to be over so i can go back to sleep and not think. waiting for things to be done so we can move to the next.

waiting for my phone to ring with the news i know is coming, but i still don't want to hear.

the most awful sound in the world was hearing my sister crying when i called her tonight. she is exactly like me. once she starts crying, she can't stop.

my whole family is together. the one thing they each told me separately was how hard the waiting was.

i asked my mother how much longer. she said not long.

i wish i were waiting with them and not alone. i tried to talk to tb. who is useless in this type of situation. as would i be.

and so there's no one left for me to call.

it's what they call a vicious circle

you have to love life to have life. you have to have life to love life.

i don't even know what that means. to love life. it seems that even the processing of what it means to be alive or to die or to be dead is, at best, the reduction everything to the most tacky cliches imaginable. like the meaning of life is love. or something like that. vast oversimplification so that the self's reality can reconcile the greater reality. and put everything neatly together.

the best i can do is to not think about it at all. maybe that is the only way you can love life.

i suppose if you are inclined to believe that there is something else then there is something to look forward to. my sister told me yesterday that she thinks that when you die you get to be with your family again. but i'm not sure about myself, as i don't believe in anything. so maybe i don't get to go. she said it didn't work that way.

i would rather see my family now.

i slept for twelve hours last night. i didn't want to get up this morning. i finally made myself get out of bed. i didn't even wash my face. which is very unlike me. i'm just waiting. waiting. and waiting.

Friday, August 13, 2010

without the words to say

while i was going on about romance. and unfulfilled desire. and all the things that i obsess over on a given day. while i was doing that my mother called.

it was the call i have been dreading for some time now. my grandfather has been sick for some time. and now...it's just....he could go anytime now.

i'm so far away. and i can't go to them. and i can't think about it. and i can't think about anything else.

i'm all alone here and i miss my sisters. and my mother. and i don't know what to do. i'm feeling so many things right now. most of all alone.

i'm so scared.

if there was ever a time to send comforting thoughts into the universe. now would be it. i'm thinking about my mother. she handles everything and takes care of everyone. and she does it calmly. and with compassion. i so wish i could be like her.

hopeless romantic? or just hopeless in general...


probably the latter.

there's a marathon of j-lo rom-coms on oxygen today. shall we dance wans't half bad. monster-in-law? eh. i don't think the fact that j-lo is fine as hell really excuses me.

i could change the channel. but i'm too lazy to look through the guide. but more than that, i'm just a sucker for idealistic romance.

the kind that requires 100% suspension-of-disbelief.

because...secretly...i want that. is it just setting yourself up for disappointment and misery to even say that out loud?

triskaidekaphobia


bitch, please.

ain't nothing going to happen on this day that could be any worse than things that happen on any other day of the year. seriously.

today i am focusing on desire. that is to say, trying to put into words what it is that i want. it's harder than you think. it also might have to be through negation. but apparently that is all right too.

back to it.

metastatic affection

i arrived at the realization today that random superficial validation no longer satisfies me as it once did.

i had two conversations. two different people. same thing. i don't think either of them read this, but i shall still refrain from detail.

in the past this sort of thing would distract me. make me feel better. worthwhile. valued even.

but then i realized that there is only one person i want that validation from. i don't need it. i'll survive without it. i'm not (as) sad anymore in it's absence.

i just want it.

this has never happened to me. i hate it. i would trade all the conversation in the world for five minutes of conversation with them. but i can't have it. not now.

it's...such an annoying feeling.

and what's equally annoying? michael cera. another movie starring him? really? so it's come to that. armageddon is surely upon us.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

critical junctures

are what i'm supposed to be reading about. clearly...i'm slacking.

i haven't posted in a few days. i don't have anything to say. nothing has happened. oh wait...that's not exactly true.

two hookers(?) got into a fight over $20 in front of my window at four in the morning on sunday night. i can't guarantee that they we hookers, but who else argues of a $20 bill at that hour?

i had the best curry i've ever tasted. in my entire life. it was sublime. it was indescribable. and life affirming, in a way. it was comparable to, though not necessarily better than, sex. seriously. i took a bite and i didn't know if i was going to come or cry. it was extremely hot, yet shockingly delicate in flavor. if any of you come to LA to visit me...we will go there and you can see for yourself.

i took a trip up the mountain to visit a friend. with a group of friends. as i was sitting there talking with them. drinking with them. i realized that i know some really great people.

that is all.

Monday, August 9, 2010

who loves the sun?

not this girl.

and certainly not people with migraines. i've never had a problem with headaches. i lived with someone for years who does, but i never really understood. i don't think you can understand. i actually don't know how he does it. i don't even get them all the time. just more frequently lately.

it's horrible.

the whole time i was walking to school the sun was just blinding me. and my head was hurting worse and worse.

now i'm sitting at my desk trying not to throw up.

i just want to lay down in the dark. but i can't. i have to go to class.

the most intimate recesses of being

an old friend called today. to tell me about getting engaged. i was listening to their story and i could feel the sadness welling up inside me. at least i thought it was sadness. it was emotion.

he was describing how they fell in love. and how he just knew. it was really beautiful.

and i was also realizing that instead of just feeling happy for that person, i was ascribing to every detail my own misery.

because i want those things. not with him. it isn't like that between us.

i am going to try harder to just feel things without attaching my own failure to them.

and i am going to take lacanian and freudian language out of context and use it to title my blog. they just write so beautifully.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

expression of desire?

is just not happening for me. the inability of the self to express desires can manifest all kinds of unpleasantness. anxiety. ocd-ishness. depression. despair. even physical symptoms.

welcome to my day.

i started thinking today about what it is that i really want. and i couldn't put it into words. i tried and tried. i just couldn't do it.

i became so sad. for myself. i started crying. i couldn't stop. i got a migraine. i laid in bed and stared at the wall. i got in the bathtub and stared at the ceiling. i thought the water might make me feel better.

it didn't.

i ate thai food for dinner and all i felt was sick. and like i was putting on weight. i don't even want a drink. my usual coping mechanisms are useless.

the only thing that made me feel even slightly better was the smoothie i made.

i thought lot s about myself today. who i am as a self. the subjective i.

i am a super sensitive being. i feel everything. someone suggested that therapy would help me to not be so sensitive and then i would get hurt less, because i wouldn't take everything so personally. it was someone that i respect a great deal. so i believed them.

but i think they were wrong. there might be a lot of things i wish i could change about myself, but i am starting to think that they were wrong. i don't want to change that about myself. i feel everything. it makes me a better person. or at least, it makes me the person that i am.

a heightened sense of empathy is a gift. they had no right to suggest i change that about myself. the thing was...i don't take what people say personally. i don't connect with most people. i can't open myself up. it's too much to feel.

i don't care what people think. i cared what this person thought.

after all off this time. after all of the disappointments. after all of the tears. and the sadness. my heart is still good. i think that even though i can be very particular and quite judgmental...my heart is still beautiful. my ability to feel makes it that way.

that is one thing i want. i want to be able to find someone that recognizes that. but more than recognizes that...appreciates it and considers themselves fortunate that i care what they think. not critical of me because i do.

i want someone that can see how beautiful of a person i really am. if you just give me a chance.

i want someone to tell me that they love me and mean it. although i have to be honest, after the last person that said those words to me...i just...i just don't know how easily i can believe them.
and that scares me so much. because... where do i go from here? i'm afraid that the pain of them demonstrating through action that they most likely didn't mean them is going to color the way i think of love for a long time.

if someone knows the answer, please, feel free to advise.

essentialism

i came across this today. a personality description based on an astrological analysis of my birthday. it is pretty right on. more on this later.
------------------------------------------
Integrity is everything to Cancers born on July 20. Although critical by nature, they never seem self-righteous. They have a gentle yet determined nature, possess a loving heart, and can see the positive side of any situation.

Cancer Information
for July 20
You should embrace: High ideals, sensitivity, a broad viewpoint

You should avoid: Periods ofdepression, negative thoughts, shyness

Friends and Lovers

These sensitive souls make excellent friends who have extraordinary concern and sympathy for the people they love. Not surprisingly, they are thoughtful lovers. They have an almost naive level of trust in their partner's goodness and have a love of domestic life.

Children and Family

July 20 natives have a profoundly nurturing spirit. They are affectionate, perhaps overly cautious parents who try too hard to shelter their youngsters from life's problems.

Health

Health problems of July 20 natives are often related to psychological or emotional trauma. Though unenthusiastic about exercise, they do respond to more artistic endeavors such as dancing or skating.

Career and Finances

July 20 people need to express their deepest inner drives through their work. They seldom take a job simply for financial considerations. When these individuals are blessed with a good income, they exhibit incredible generosity.

Dreams and Goals

July 20 natives are extremely talented but are unlikely to realize their potential unless they have the approval and support of others. The ability to sustain a happy personal life and successful professional life is one of their chief aims.

Friday, August 6, 2010

silently judging you from the comfort of my desk

what you are about to read is truly an expression of bitterness. just know that. i know it, but i can't help myself. however, bitter or not, i think it is still valid.

fuck all of you using your status lines on social networking cites as yet another venue for the celebration of your love for someone else. i am fucking sick of reading it. i wish i were the type of person who could just feel happy for other people and their love, but i guess i'm just not. not right now.

on a semi-related note that doesn't come from bitterness, but rather a sense of superiority...i also hate the phrase 'lol' and people that use code to insert hearts. you're in your thirties, do you really need hearts to express yourself like some elementary school girl?

one thing i love is people that use other peoples quotes to express how they feel. bonus points if the quote is about 'being yourself' or mentions originality in some way. the irony is tragic, but also hilarious.

also, people that use cartoon characters as their picture. thanks for letting us all know how unsightly you really are, without actually having to look at you. this also goes for people with only downward angle head shots. come on, sweetheart, who do you really think you're fooling?

the gypsy's curse

those of you familiar with harry crews will know the nature of the curse. it's got nothing to do with what i'm about to write. i just always liked the title. if you haven't read crews, then you're a literary idiot and i feel sorry for you. but...it isn't for everyone. there are no happy endings. only survival, if you're lucky.

my own personal curse? while i am never good enough for people that involve themselves with me in the romantic sense, they all go on to have successful relationships. with someone else. it's happened time and time again.
just so you all know, when someone says 'i don't want a relationship' or 'i can't commit' or any variant...all they mean is that they don't want those things with you. end of story. don't ascribe any meaning that isn't there.

i went through a very painful lesson in this about a year ago. well, it was a lesson in a few things. there was someone that i thought liked me, at the very least as a friend. we had known each other for a couple of years. but they didn't. our friendship was a elaborately contrived subterfuge for his own desire to sleep with me. and that was it.

it hurt. a lot. they wanted me as this...emotional sounding board. but they weren't willing to do that for me. a second point that should be made is that it doesn't matter who people are. they could be the smartest person in the world, or professional, or whatever. people are all the same.

all i'm saying is... name me someone who's not a parasite and i'll go out and say a prayer for him.

i saw recently that they are engaged now. this isn't a bitterness thing. i could never be with them, as they are essentially a weak person. i don't even want to be with them. even at the time it was more of a potential thing. i could see the potential. they could not. the part that hurt was that they made me their fantasy girl. i was never real to them. i was this idea. and that's all they wanted from me. after this experience, i went on a self-destructive binge. i'll spare you all the details. it's too shameful.

little did i know...the worst was yet to come. this experience could have been what they call a teachable moment. because it was really just a harbinger for an even bigger lapse in judgment on my part. or something. i want to think that it was different with this other person. maybe it is. i have no way of knowing. all i know is that i trusted them. i believed the things they said to me. and look where that got me.

i just don't know anymore.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

parle-etre

last tuesday i cried through my entire therapy session. which was atypical, because i haven't cried once in front of this analyst. the last time i went to therapy, during the first session i cried so hard. but never again.

i cried because it is incredibly difficult and extremely painful to deconstruct yourself. much more so than i had originally thought.

it's what i have to do though. i have been thinking a lot about it. i called tb the other day and told him how much i was dreading going back there. and told me i didn't have to go. not if it made me unhappy.

i thought about that for a while.

i could stop. i could find some formulaic dsm-iv therapist who could assign me a comforting label and a boxed in definition. but here's the thing, i've thinking that might be the worst possible path for an ocd person. because there's nothing more comforting that regularity and clear definition. you are this. and since you are this, you can expect that. clear labels. clear direction. and completely comforting. someone tells you what you are and defines things precisely for you. so your unhealthy desires are reaffirmed and you appear cured/functional by engaging in a modified form of the behavior that got you there in the first place. like addicts and faith based programs. you replace heroin with jesus and all of the sudden you're considered well.

with lacanians, there's no such comfort. every self has the unique path to selfness. and my path is a slippery slope. you don't always leave feeling better. you don't know where you're going. you don't know what the end is.

you just have to keep going.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

slippery when schizophrenic

there's this older guy that rides the same bus as i do who is crazy for real. he even freaks me out and i don't mind crazies that much. he's always muttering obscenities under his breath and he like to yell at people if they take too long getting on or off the bus. his favorite word is cunt. and racial slurs. he'll even yell at old people. or people with kids. or at the bus driver, if he thinks they are driving too slow.

i think he might actually work at the university library. i've seen him there and i always wonder how he manages to keep all that crazy to himself all day.

he also lives down the street from me. i see him walking home at night. yesterday i was sitting in the window watching an he saw me. and waved. which was weird.

but not as weird as when i came home from work today.

today, he was sitting on the sidewalk petting tiger, the cat who lives at my apartment complex. they were both really into each other. i said hello. he said it back. smiling. and then he said (about the cat), 'look at him. he's a really great guy. he just needs love.'

no really. listen, the last thing i want to write about is some bullshit hallmark-ish moment between a crazy and a cat. it made me see him differently though. everyone is capable of having moments where they completely get it, i suppose.

i cried for a long time today. after i drank a beer. and got a migraine. so fucking glad those are back. my head still hurts, just not as bad.

i have a worried mind.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

the rain is full of ghosts tonight

yeah right. like it ever rains here. barely a cloud in the sky. actually there are clouds, but they are super fucked up looking. they look like big patches of airplane exhaust. the first time i saw them it freaked me out. i was all like, 'what's wrong with the sky?' and whoever i was with, i don't remember, was all like, 'that's what the clouds look like here.' and i was all like, 'oh. ok.'

i don't like when things look unfamiliar.

speaking of familiar. and speaking of ghosts. i was super excited today because i found an african restaurant in LA that serves east african food.

this is it, thought i. i can finally taste the delicious beef that i enjoyed what seems like a lifetime ago. when i was in tanzania. when i was in love. so long ago. once upon a time, as they say.

i don't want that ghost back. but i do want to taste the food again.

but, as learned today, some things you don't get to taste twice. it was like this poor imitation of the flavors i loved so much. i've even tried cooking it at home. and i can cook anything.

i can't even come close.

i don't want to go to therapy tonight. i realized today that i am super fucked up. and that has pushed a lot of people away. some of them i cared about very much. if i just could have been better, they would still be around. that hurts to think about.

i don't know how to be different.

but the best i can hope for is that i won't push people away in the future. i am left with only ghosts of the past.

and nothing can replace what i have lost.

Monday, August 2, 2010

try to see it my way

every morning for the past week, when i get in my car to go to get coffee, i turn it on and the beatles are playing. this isn't some elaborately contrived existential metaphor for suffering. this is really what has happened.

i don't know what to make of it, other than their cover of 'please mr. postman' was an abomination. oh, i said it...ABOMINATION. fuck technical ability. or whatever. it was completely soulless. seriously. same with 'rock and roll music'. if you think otherwise, you're completely delusional. and probably white.

i'm not a hater. i like the beatles. some days that's all i want to hear. not this day, but you know, every now and then. i will, however, never be convinced that they are superior to other bands or artists of that era. the velvet underground, for example. or neil young. or dylan. or even the kinks.

not musically. and definitely not lyrically.

i mean who would you rather hang out with...paul mccartney or lou reed? think about it. and try answering that question honestly to yourself.

besides. i just don't want to start my day thinking about try to see it YOUR way.

just think about the words to that song.

Try to see it my way,
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?
While you see it your way,
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.

no, really. just meditate on that thought for a moment. how typically mccartney/lennon. basically what they're saying is either let me do/say what i want or this relationship or..it's over. and not only is it over, but you'll have only your self to blame. and i get out of it guilt free, because, after all...i warned you up front.

all you need is love? get fucking real. all you need is to so fundamentally lack a sense of self that you blindly gratify of the ego of the other.

so think about that while you're mindlessly singing along.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

when consciousness and the subject coincide

nah, i'm not going to write about that. i just like the bougie way it sounds. but the truth is that i am still sitting here. thinking only of self. not of myself (not entirely), but the self.

i have had this question for years as whether freud, most particular the neo/post-freudians a la lacan/zizek are truly antithetical to existentialism typified by the French post-world war two school. or more broadly 20th century existentialism. i don't have a background in this area other than reading i have done for my own edification and i didn't want to ask because i didn't want to look, well, lame. although most philosophers are so unnecessarily self-important that no matter what you ask them, they are going to treat you like you are utterly bereft of comprehension.

listen to me...utterly bereft...a few days of reading and i sound as bad as they do.

the answer at which i have arrived is that, no. the two are not incompatible. the connection being experience. every self's has a unique system of meaning that is defined by that self's experiences. outside this experiential meaning, there is nothing. no meaning.

i have reached this conclusion again and again. which leads me to my second consideration, which concerns expectation. i am constantly frustrated by the recommendation of simply 'letting go' of expectation.

but...i have often argued that there is no truth. there are no absolute answers. which coincides nicely with therapy which embraces and encourages every self's unique path to selfness.

but how related is absolute truth to expectation? i don't know. all i want is to not be sad anymore.

i don't want to go through another experience like i went through these past few months. whether it's my fault for feeling too much or the fault of the other for not feeling enough. i want to be a way in which people treat me the way i deserve to be treated. i want to be able to not be so inherently empathetic that i let them treat me in a way that i don't deserve.

this isn't about one person. well, perhaps in the most immediate sense. but it's way more big picture than that. in this instance, they're gone and they're not coming back. right or wrong. it's irrelevant.

i'm not angry at them. how could i be? first, this isn't about their action. it's about my reaction. second, i feel towards them the what i feel towards tb. unconditional acceptance. i accept them for who they are. a being in the world. like me. doing the best they can. sometimes in that process, you hurt other people. it happens. i'm not excusing them, but i do understand.

that said, i would give anything to work it out. or for the catalyst for my existential crisis to have been something else. someone else. anyone else. there isn't anything i wouldn't give for that. not one thing. but in another way, it had to be them. it couldn't have been any other way. otherwise i would have missed the sign. it would have held no significance. if that makes sense.

the only thing i know is that all of this self-revelation doesn't make it hurt less. in the immediate sense or in the long-term. i just want to take this experience and make a positive transition, rather than a negative reinforcing one.

i want to be better than what i am.
 
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