Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
especially the part about texting, the logic of which extends to other forms of virtual communication. pick up a fucking phone...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
the other night i dreamed that i was a chihuahua.
i think it was because i was staying at some one's house and while i was sleeping, their chihuahua crawled into bed with me. it burrowed under the covers and snuggled up next to me. i think that my body absorbed the energy and transferred it into a dream.
i love chihuahuas. with their little bug eyed peter lorre faces. their tremors. their devious attention getting antics. i once knew a chihuahua that would run at your feet and then fall over yelping so that you (and everybody else within earshot) would think that you'd stepped on her. pure genius. at least the first time around.
i also woke up crying. i can't drink enough to drink this off my mind. i have been trying to avoid writing about my personal sadness as of late. thinking that if i don't write about it, then i won't give it the energy i need for other things. and maybe this would be a step towards eliminating it.
apparently it doesn't work that way. people keep telling me that with time, i will feel less sadness. less pain. less in general. but it doesn't seem to be working that way either. most people i can just block out of my life. but not this time. it makes me sadder every day. it is burdening my heart. and causing me pain.
i want to understand. i think about why i let this happen to myself. i think about why i would put myself in the position where i could be hurt this way. because, i mean, that's the question, right?
but i don't know the answer.
you have to trust. and so i did. i'm so scared that i might never be able to trust my own judgment. i don't trust people. i haven't for a very long time. it's so hard for me. i have to work at it. and...now i just don't know what's to become of me. this might sound like it is about the other. but it isn't. it's about me. i'm scared for myself.
i'm hyper-sensitive to everything. i woke up crying again this morning. tb is at the end of his patience. he doesn't know what to do. there isn't anything he can do. he said he's worried about me and that this causes him stress to see me like this. and he doesn't like stress. and he doesn't like seeing me cry. but at least he cares if i cry or not.
i know it is getting to me when my anxiety starts acting up. i feel like i might be dying. i haven't felt that in forever and ever.
i know that this is on me right now. i could blame situational factors. but it's isn't that. i'm just not equipped to deal with things, i suppose.
i want to handle things gracefully. i am trying. i just want to know that it is going to be ok. that it isn't me. that i wasn't so stupid as to believe things that absolutely were not true.
i want to feel hopeful about the future again. i want to feel love again. and i don't know how to do it.