Monday, May 31, 2010

i'm a cloud. look for me in the sky.

i went to a psychic yesterday. she's not the best reader i've ever been to, but she's a lot younger too. she'll get better. a lot of her reading was literal off the cards. i think she's not quite as confident as some older people i've been to see. but she was honest. not like the last woman i went to who gave me the shortest possible reading and then said for $300 she could fix it for me. i don't doubt her skills. i've been to her before. she's pretty good. she's just greedy as fuck. i'm not judging though. times are tough and i'm sure that the economic downturn has affected psychics too. regardless, that's not what you say to someone with a broken heart.

anyway.

the girl yesterday did a decent reading. and like i said.... she was honest. although her advice wasn't that novel. let go of expectations. when you let go, that's when you get back.

i mean...obviously. because if you don't expect anything then you are never disappointed when what you want doesn't happen. and you are always happy because you are always surprised.

i think hope is just an idealized form of expectation. i wake up with the hope that today things will get better. and everyday they are the same. i am trying to change. it isn't easy.

i miss someone terribly. and there isn't anything i can do about it except try to not miss them. it is hurting my heart. i let them go, but i can't let go of them. they're too special to me. and i'm the one left with a worried heart.

i'm supposed to also keep my heart open. but it's so hard.


Sunday, May 30, 2010

good news bad news

i had been worried about gaining weight after starting the pill. and i feel massive. so last night i tried on the smallest dress to assess the damage. basically i wanted to see if i could still zip it up. it actually felt less tight than before.

so all of the throwing up, which is bad...has kept me from gaining weight and might have possibly made me lose a bit. which is good. unfortunately, none of my bras fit. so i have gained weight. but only in the bust. which is bad.

i can't talk to anyone i know without crying. i get to a good place in my head. but as soon as i start talking to someone i know, i start crying. which is bad.

i still have hope. which is good. everyday i hope that today will be the day that i will be proven wrong and i will find out that i overreacted to all of this. that my worse case scenario was all in my head.

but then...nothing. the hope only leads to disappointment. which is bad.

sigh.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

love is the greatest hazard of all

i am trying to keep my head up. but my heart is so heavy. everyday i wake up, hoping that it will hurt less. i also hope that i'll wake up and there will be some progress. a phone call. an email. a message or sign of some sort to let me know that it's ok. but there is nothing. and it seems like it only hurts more. i know in my heart that this isn't about me personally. but that doesn't make it hurt less.

i wish i had kept a dataset of my romantic encounters. if i had i would construct a hazard model to ascertain at what point love dies for me. then maybe i could know what i'm doing wrong. why this keeps happening to me.

i have so many conflicting emotions. i know it isn't about me, but i'm scared that it is. i want to scream at someone for hurting me this way. but i don't think they're trying to do it intentionally. i want to beg them to come back. but i've never begged anyone and i can't start now. i want to harden my heart so that i feel nothing. but it isn't who i am. i feel everything. and i don't think that is a detriment.

mostly i want to be free of the uncertainty. i want to know what is going to happen. i want to know how it ends. maybe it ends when i stop caring. the problem is...i can't just stop. it doesn't work that way.

i want to know why. why did they want my trust? why did it even matter to them? in my heart i do trust, but in my mind i am so afraid. it took me years, literally, to build that trust. and i am trying very hard to maintain it.

after the last person i lost this way i said never again. never again would i get close enough to someone to let there actions hurt me this way. and of all the people in the world it could have happened with. it had to be with this person. they mean so much to me. in so many ways. it just isn't fair. i can't hate them. i'm not even angry. i just want to work it out. i just want to fix it.

i just want the pain to stop.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

i just realized

that i have spent virtually the entire month of may on the rag.

that's right. i am trying to accept that may be on my period for the rest of my life.

i'm swollen up. i am emotionally volatile. i cry constantly.

i have to go back to the doctor. but i don't have time.

sigh.

can i get some fucking sympathy....please....

Monday, May 24, 2010

there she goes again

i came across this story today straight in from the AP.

apparently, an extremely pure form of black tar heroin is flooding the market and, as a result, overdoses are rampantly increasing. it's so strong that they're finding people face down with the straws still in their fingers. with needles still in their arms.

my thought on that...a person could only dream of being so lucky. not in dying in and of itself. i've lost people to overdoses. everyone i know has. it's horrible. it's terrible watching someone you love kill themselves a day at a time and knowing that there's nothing you can do to save them. so, in making the above statement i am in no way trying to diminish the tragedy of losing your child or loved one.

i don't begrudge the addict their high either. i've seen the world from both sides, you dig? i understand the longing for relief. for that one thing that can take your pain away.

i have a soft spot for junkies. always have. i think because part of me identifies with their journey in life. i know the pain. and also i know there but for the grace of god go i...

once...when i was in london i saw this kid in the train station. you could feel the dopesickness from across the room. i gave him ten quid. he reached up and took my hand. both of his hands around mine. i didn't pull away, even though i could see his arms streaked with track marks. he looked in my eyes. he told me thank you. that i was a true sister.

i could feel his pain in my whole body. i washed over me like a wave. i had to pull away. it was too much.

all i was thinking with the above statement, is that if you had to go...that would be a better way than most. even though it would be the last thing you ever felt...that feeling would be the closest to heaven you would be likely to get.

you have to give a little

me: i think i'm a damaged person. like emotionally.
tb: join the fucking club. everyone is damaged. don't feel so fucking special, nina.

this is where i am at right now.

some other random thoughts on love (whatever that is)...

the past saturday night a woman across the street from me stabbed (i think) her boyfriend. the cops came. they kicked down the door. they brought a man out on a stretcher (i don't think he was dead). and all the while she was screaming 'what choice did i have? WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE?'

the hikers jailed in iran are engaged. that's right. engaged. it's easier to get engaged in an authoritarian prison.

they found brittany murphy's husband dead. just five months after she died. he probably died of a broken heart. only 39.

i miss someone terribly. there's nothing i can do about it. i just have to let go.

there are certain behavioral expectations that structure our interactions within society. they are called norms. we all follow them. they incentivize certain behaviors and penalize others. they are usually internalized. we don't even know we're doing them.

the thought on norms is that you know a norm is really a norm when people respect it even though it costs them to do so.

love is like that. you know it is love when people respect it even when it costs them.

this brings me no closer to peace right now. i am trying to let go. i love someone enough to let them go.

it hurts. i didn't even know i could feel pain like this anymore. i just want it to stop.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

good day sunshine: modeling the interaction of estrogen and anxiety

i've been through a lot of emotions in the past week. which are severely affecting how i react to things. one thing in particular.

i think you could probably write this out in a formal equation:

REACTION=B0 + B1birth control hormones +B2anxiety over past + B3fear of unknown + B4stress from school +B5 fear of future + B6birth control hormones x anxiety over past + B7birth control hormones x anxiety over past + B8birth control hormones x fear of unknown + B9birth control hormones x stress from school +B10birth control hormones x fear over future + ui

i wish i could model this. the key variable of interest here being hormones. the pill is making me crazy. i think it is starting to even out. maybe?

unfortunately, running regression is like getting pregnant....anyone with five minutes to kill can do it.

however, the real meaning is in the the interpretation.

as much as i would like to, i can't put everything on the pill. it's just taken my usual sub-par interpersonal interaction skills and deteriorated them. i fucked a lot of things up. or at least, not handled them the way i would prefer.

i have realized that things are no longer about the other, but about me. but not in the sense that i have been thinking. i over personalize. because i am so meticulous about everything i say and do in regards to others, i assume intentionality where there is none. this is not to say that people have the right to just engage in rampant insensitivity in the face of my extreme sensitivity. there has to a balance.

but this week i have realized a lot of things about myself. so the fault of this or that being is irrelevant.

what is important is self-realization. i realize that i try to construct these highly structured areas of interaction in which i try to control every contact. which is ironic because this kind of extraction from reality is precisely my grudge against most social science work.

this is only part of the problem. i have realized a lot of things about myself and why i act towards people the way i do. it is really painful.

but i am hopeful that i can do better next time. and i hope that i haven't lost someone very important to me.

the way i see it now, if they are gone then that is on them. i regret some of the ways i acted and expressed myself, but it is what it is. but if they care they way they said they did, then nothing is gone forever. if not, it hurts but i can't change that. i can only try to grow and do better next time.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

why

is the only thing i want to know.

i had a nightmare last night. i woke up so scared. i checked to see if the door was locked. i thought of someone. i threw up.

i cried myself to sleep.

i woke up. too fucking early. i thought again. i cried myself awake.

i took the picture off my wall and cried as i put it in the drawer. i can't look at it. but in the drawer or on the wall, i can't erase it from the place that matters. which is my heart.

even though i know, in my heart, that this isn't really about me.

but it has become about me.

i can go in a room and it can be all eyes on me. but the only eyes i want are the ones that are looking away. the only attention i want is from the one person who won't (or can't) give it to me.

i want to fix this both about myself and with the other person. i can work on myself, but i can't reach them. i just want to know how to reach them.

they have always been there for me. but now, when i need them the most, they are nowhere to be found.

it is hurting me so much.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

thoughts on today

1.) i'm too tired to go on.
2.) rand paul is a dick. fuck him and the rest of those tea party assholes.
3.) the democratic peace theory is boring as fuck. but super easy to discuss without reading carefully.
4.) people who complain about the temperature in restaurants are losers. i know the people working in them are hotter than the people complaining. it is the owner that is too cheap to turn up the air. so get your iced latte and sit the fuck down.

5.) the pill is amplifying my emotional volatility. AND i have gained half a cup in my bust in like the last 3 days. i am not joking.

Monday, May 17, 2010

this is what i'm talking about...

not that i'm fully convinced that surviving the end of things is best, but it is nice to have options...

my tarot for the day re: love

The Seven of Pentacles card suggests that you should use a brief break to assess and make adjustments to your priorities or relationship. You can also simply capture the moment and admire or consider the progress made. Much may depend on the full maturation of this matter, so be patient and persevere without rushing to judgment. Remind yourself of the purpose of what you are doing. There is much work ahead, but the time is not yet ripe for you to act. Don't assume anything or meddle, but let nature take its course. Stick to tending your own backyard and your interest will flourish and give back to you sevenfold. Don't hurry, for shortcuts at this point could spoil your chances.

it's so hard. i'm so brokenhearted.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

trust is like a mirror

you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fuckers reflection.


i might have overreacted. i tend to react before thinking. and i react with emotions (which this week have been amplified by starting the pill). then i think logically through what should have been. or what was actually there.

and part of that is that no matter where i go, no matter who i'm with, no matter what the situation...all i can see is a cracked reflection.

the trust i had in people got broke a long time ago. i can't pinpoint if it was one event. or a series of unfortunate events that have just been mutually reinforcing to the point that i can't even see clearly what's what anymore. i can barely see my own reflection, much less anyone else.


i might have pushed the one person i cared the most for too far. or at least farther than they were able to reasonably handle.

and now there's nothing i can do.

i want to scream 'COME BACK'. i want to say i'm sorry for the way i reacted. that we can work this out. because they are worth it to me to work it out. that in my heart i did believe the things they said to me. and i understand if they are whatever they are feeling i don't know because they don't tell me.

and i am working on myself so that i can at least see past the cracks if not get a new mirror entirely.

the question is...am i worth it to them?

this person was different. special. and i'm not ready to let go.

and they can't even hear me.

the pill is magic

yeah fucking right.

guess who is on the rag for the second time this month...the second time in two weeks, in fact... this girl.

guess who is going to have to buy all new bras because she is swollen up like a dairy cow...this girl.

guess who sat through every seminar this week trying to avoid running out of the room to throw up....this girl.

guess who woke up in the middle of the night throwing up almost every night this week...this girl.

guess who gets to drown in hormonal emotion...oh i think you already know so don't even bother to guess.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

up and up

i take a break from my regularly scheduled sadness to bring you something...well...hilarious.

up and up.

the funniest name for tampons ever...right?

it is in fact the name of generic tampons at target.

up and up.

think about it. there's no way that is isn't funny as hell.

Friday, May 14, 2010

emotional bankruptcy

i might have hit rock bottom emotionally this time. remember when i said i felt like i had lost one of my best friends? well that statement is both true and false.

true. because i did lose that person.

false. because i don't think that a friend treats another friend the way i got treated today. not ever.

and this is what it is.

the thing i'm most sorry for is to my friends. who have supported my pain over this person the whole time. i never cried to this person. i knew how hard things are for them and so i didn't tell them all the times that they hurt my feelings. because i believed it was unintentional. and i didn't want to add to the laundry list of things this person is dealing with.

but this person didn't have to see my face when i read that email. or hear the pain in my voice when i explained to andrea and my sister and thomas why i was crying. or asking them what was wrong with me. what i did wrong this time. why i'm not worth it.

and i hate that.

some days hurt more than others

today is one of those days. all i can feel is pain.

i want to scream.

YOU HURT ME. YOU'RE HURTING ME RIGHT NOW. PLEASE STOP. I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS.

but that person isn't even listening. and maybe i do deserve it. maybe it is my fault. because i keep caring. it is so hard for me to have feelings. to open myself up the way that i have. it was three years before this that i last could even say to someone 'i like you.' and once they are there i can't turn them off.

this on top of everything else.

i just want to know what is wrong with me so i can fix it. what do i have to be to be good enough? WHAT?

could someone please just tell me?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

sometimes someone says the right thing

so...i am grading exams right now. i am super behind. i am super stressed.

but...one of them wrote me a note.

it said:

thank you for your patience.
take a break and relax...you deserve it. :)

thank you for that.

once bitten

i can't go into the detail on this that i would like. out of respect for the wishes and feelings of the other. but i have to let my feelings out. they are suffocating me right now.

i don't take risks in my personal life. i don't let other people see my feelings. because then at least i can pretend i have control. yes i might be alone, but the pain of the lost potential that i built up in my mind is preferable to the reality of loss. the reality of losing that person.

i took a chance recently. i thought it was what i had to do. i wanted to live in reality. i wanted to take proactive steps. i wanted to try. i wanted to breach the gap between my mind and the actual world.

it was probably the biggest mistake i've ever made. and not one that i see myself ever making again. i lost the person that meant more to me than anyone else in the world. other than tb. and my family. i wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

i feel like i lost my best friend. and in a lot ways...i did.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

i thought i knew

but now i know. what it is REALLY like to be alone.

everyone has something. to make their lives happy. even if it is something small. everyone except for me.

i am a failure in every sphere of my life. academically...and by extension, professionally. in relationships.

there isn't anywhere i can look for happiness.

i sleep more and more. i slept for 12 hours last night. and i had to force myself to get out of bed. there just isn't any reason to get up.

i have no interests.

i thought if i lost weight, i would be pretty enough that someone would want me. that didn't work. i thought i f i went back to school that i would find something to make me feel good about myself. i thought the more you worked, the more you would have. that's not how it happens. i might as well have partied for the last two years, instead of killing myself over every little thing. because all of that work means nothing.

i'm completely lost. and no one can help me.

the only thing i wish is that something good would happen today. but i think that's asking for too much.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

disengaged

i woke up from a nap today (of which i seem to take more and more of these days) thinking this. disengaged. that is the only word to describe my relationship with work/school at the moment. i'm just trying to get by. which has NEVER, EVER, EVER been my thing.

i'm just so super depressed. i hate it that much.

i found a therapist. it had to be done. he's a freudian. a lacanian, to be more specific. which means a few things. first, he doesn't work off the dsm iv. which is terrific, for me. but it leads to the second thing, which is that he doesn't take insurance. and third, his office is in LA.

which is explains why i am sitting in a coffee bean in west hollywood. trying to type a paper. which could have been done this weekend, but wasn't due to my inability to stop crying. and my unwillingness to get out of bed. seriously.

did i have time to come down to west hollywood today? absolutely not. but secretly, i'm glad i had to. i love LA. it makes me happy.

but something has to give. i don't want to leave my apartment. fuck. i don't even want to get out of bed. even at my most depressed, i was never like this. i hope this guy is legit. i think he is. it will basically come down to what he is going to charge me.

Monday, May 3, 2010

i broke MY life after all

yes, carrie. i stole your blog title. it was the only way i could say how i feel.

i feel like i've lost control of my life. i'm depressed. i have a phobia of writing. i sit down to write and i have a panic attack. almost. that is a bit hyper-dramatic. but it approximates how i feel.

i fucked up my life. when i thought i could be an academic. when i foolishly came to this place. i entered as a competitive applicant. people keep telling me i have options, but who's going to want me now? i got a B+ in statistics. my GPA is fucked. not because i didn't work. i was sleeping like two hours a night. i spent my entire winter break studying. i bought extra books. i read everything i could. i put everything i had into that class. i got a good grade on my paper. but when i took the exam i couldn't. i panicked. i don't test well. it was a horrible, demoralizing experience. in one sense, i think it was an unfair grade. totally unnecessary. but it is what it is. i did it to myself. i wasn't good enough.

i know i worked my hardest. but does that even make it better? now i'm left with the knowledge that i'm just not good enough. which is a recurring theme in my life. the only reason i care is because i want to get out of here. i had so much hope for myself when i came. i though finally, after so many years of stagnation that i had found something that i could do. that i could be somebody. and now i don't know why anyone ever encouraged me to do this in the first place.

because if i was really smart enough, i would still have perfect GPA. i would be able to produce work on my own. but i can't. which means it might be possible that this just isn't for me.

maybe mentally i'm not strong enough. i miss my family. i miss having friends. i miss my dog. transition is hard for me. but i really thought i could do it. and now i have to get up everyday and accept that i am a total failure. that all of my work over the past two years has been for nothing.

and i only have myself to blame. i should have been able to put all of my sadness and loneliness and anxiety to the side and do work. but i couldn't.

if i cared about my health, at all, i would quit today. i know that. but then i forfeit any chance of ever being able to do anything with my life. for this fucking place.
 
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