Sunday, February 28, 2010

other than misery, you know what loves company?


those caught in the clutches of lunar cycles.

apparently, i'm not the only one that has been cosmically off balance. lots of people have been having strange dreams lately.

this lunar cycle has really been fucking me up emotionally.

the past few days i have just really let things overwhelm me. if i give emotions an inch, all of the sudden i'm drowning in miles and miles of emotion ocean (emocean?). totally adrift. no one can reach me.

i think the past few days have been this steady build up to emotional chaos. this i blame on the moon. the full moon in tonight. which means that this whole week has been like one big build up towards full emotional capacity. you can laugh if you want. but i am an incredibly sensitive being.

i am sensitive to everything. even the slightest changes in atmosphere or environment. which can be good. i am very in tune with what people need. if i don't let my own emotions overwhelm me and get in the way. which they sometimes do. i often find myself really, really distressed by anything that seems at all out of the ordinary. even the smallest things. and then i think that it was something i did. that i'm the causal link in every series of unfortunate events.

often these deviations make me really unsettled. and then i can't find my way out. and interactions between the self and other become inherently complicated. sometimes irreparably so. or so it seems to me. i'm incredibly fatalistic like that. because when i can't feel what's going on, i'm in the dark and i get caught up in uncertainty. which is the worst feeling for me. not knowing. and then i revert to the absolute worst case scenario.

anyway...the moon...

strange dreams are another manifestation of the active psyche.

usually i don't remember mine, other than when i wake up afraid. i have a lot of nightmares.

but lately i've been having the most vivid dreams. really short, but to the point.

i dreamed that someone i love very much was dead. i was talking to them. but they were dead. that really freaked me out. and left me with a heavy heart. and worried mind.

but then i had another dream about this other person i know. we were in europe. in a ticket line. he is around my height, but in the dream i had to look up to see into his eyes. but then we were the same height again. he's just slightly taller. we were in line and i put my head on shoulder. and he put his arm around me. it was the most comforting feeling i've ever had. and bear in mind this is not someone that i have any feelings of romantic attraction towards. just someone whose presence i really enjoy, even though i don't really know him that well. it was just the purest feeling of comfort.

there were others, but those two stand out.

but then i was talking an old friend and she has been having strange dreams too. i though was some planetary thing, because we have the same birthday, but i think other people have been having them too.

trippy.

the absolute truth through numbers

because when i start drowning in emotions and i can't see things clearly, i seek help outside myself. usually in the form of astrology. this morning i got a free numerology report. it makes sense. the influence of my day of birth is totally in conflict with the rest of my numbers. i'm not essentially a type A personality, but i'm in the position where i have to be. and so i do it even though it makes me miserable.

meh.

The influence of your Day of Birth;

You were born on the 20th day of the month, which makes your birth number 2.

You're a seeker, a searcher, a woman who is always on some kind of quest. You'll be looking for many things throughout your life, mostly on a spiritual and emotional level.

On the physical plane, you'll be doing a little looking, too, at least in terms of a career. Because you aren't a driven "type A" personality, you'll possibly do well in a small business.

You most likely wouldn't want to be the CEO of a multinational corporation, anyway. You're much more interested in people, family and home life than you are in career and money.

Your Destiny number;

A woman who will climb to the top of the heap...a woman who REALLY cares about the image friends, colleagues and relatives have of her...a woman who latches on to every opportunity and REFUSES to let go or be left behind . . .

Sound familiar? It should-because it probably describes your desires when it comes to life.

Why are you like this? Because you're under the influence of a #1 Destiny. With this destiny you'll frequently feel compelled to be the best, the fastest-and always, ALWAYS number one!

Your Life Path's influence;

Ambitious, authoritative and able . . .

My friend, your qualities are genuine "Triple A"-cutting edge! In addition to the above traits, feel free to add self-confident, energetic and efficient.

The source of all these marvelous traits is the 8 Lifepath you're on. Women on this materialistically-oriented Lifepath tend to be dependable hard workers who are determined to get to the top in their own particular field or industry and who have the emotional and physical "stuff" it takes to make it into the big time.

Your Intuitive Plane;

I'm sure you're familiar with the expression "I feel it in my bones," and in your case, it could literally be true. Your intuition is so strong that you often FEEL it expressed through your body. That's why I strongly advise you to pay particular attention to any unusual physical symptoms. These could be important clues to what's happening on the inside.

Do you often like to say "no," just because everyone else is saying "yes?" Or perhaps time and again you find you're the ONLY one in a group holding a particular point of view. It's difficult to say exactly, but you may well consider yourself to be a free thinker.

Some stay busy out of a specific need to achieve something.

You, on the other hand, simply can't stand the idea of having nothing to do, and make sure you don't find yourself in that kind of fix. In other words, you may engage in many projects to avoid the terrifying possibility of becoming BORED!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

the essential likeness of the liberal-conservative distinction

a funny thing happened just now.

i was sitting here trying to work, when these two guys sitting behind me sit down and start having this conversation about liberals, conservatives, the bible and essence of being. it was a totally academic conversation. a song full of sound and fury, signifying NOTHING. perhaps interesting if i were in a better frame of mind, but NOT what i was trying to hear right now.

actually this is not true. it was exactly the kind of conversation i would totally be interested in having. and in hearing. even if it was just over-hearing. see? this is what has become of me. i have been stripped of my interests.

finally i turned around in annoyance and to my utter shock...it was two really famous philosophers. like really, really famous. if you're an academic. i had the names, but then i realized a google search could turn this blog up.

i was shocked for two reasons. one because they were the last people i expected to see here. and...because the younger one is extremely good looking in person. like unexpectedly so.

so i pretended to be looking at the pastries and that my look of annoyance was actually a look of deep contemplation regarding scones.

sigh.

another day another data disaster

i suppose that disaster is a bit of an exaggeration. i just like the alliteration. semi-alliteration. whatever.

i am rapidly approaching the point of just shutting down. period. i was so tired last night that i went to sleep at like 9:30. i said i was just going to sleep for like an hour. so i set my alarm. i woke up at 3:16 in the morning. my alarm had been going off for four hours and i didn't even hear it. that's how tired i am.

i tried to go back to sleep. but as tired as i was i couldn't. i felt like i couldn't breath. and i started crying. again. i spent like an hour crying to my mother on the phone last night.

at 4:21 i decided to get in the shower. i have putting off washing my hair for like two days now. which is NOT like me. it just takes so long to dry my hair. and i read that it isn't good to wash it everyday anyway. but this is beside the point.

i am so unhappy. yesterday, i was laying in my living room looking at my books. and i thought about the time when i was excited about going to school. when learning used to be something i loved. instead of something that made me physically ill.

education. it isn't about knowledge. except as a tool of oppression. fuck what anybody tells you. i can't even concentrate on learning, because i live in constant fear over money. everyday it gets worse and worse. i have to face the reality of the thing. which is that all of this work up until now might actually be for nothing. i have to worry about every paper no matter how small. every seminar. ever word that comes out of my mouth has to be on point. it is exhausting me.

there's a lot more things i could say on this point, but i should probably not write them in public. just take my word for it.

the most devastating thing is that i struggled for so long to find something that i like to do. something that made me happy. something that i could use to help other people.

this place has killed that for me. and now i don't know what to do with myself. i'm not good at anything. except waiting tables.

it's horrible that i've had to amass this level of personal debt to find out that i'm nothing but a waitress after all. i could have saved myself a lot of time and energy if i had just made peace with that years ago instead of fighting it.

i just wanted to be better than what i was. maybe this constant longing for improvement is a barrier to happiness, when all this time i thought it was a path towards happiness. maybe acceptance is key.

Friday, February 26, 2010

sometimes i surprise even myself


usually i am happy eating by myself, but sometimes i make a meal that is so delicious that i'm sad no one else got to eat it.

one thing i'm all about is fusion cuisine. it's how food stays interesting. i worked in a fusion restaurant for years. sadly, since moving california (where there is so much good food everywhere) i am far too poor to eat anywhere that serves anything that is even remotely fusion. i eat mostly street food. which i am also all about about.

anyway.

tonight i actually cooked. i had to do something to make an excuse to stop working. and crying. i am so defeated by my statistics project. it's way too complicated for me. i tried to explain this to my professor weeks ago, but he thought it was good that i was thinking through the problems of making models and didn't want me to do something easier.

so i suppose that in times of stress, you go back to what you know. i know food. i worked in a restaurant for years. almost a decade.

tonight i couldn't decide what i wanted. i am really into tostadas right now. because i like the crunchy part. i also wanted curried chicken salad (with yogurt instead of mayonaise). so...

i made the chicken salad. i poached the chicken in wine. i mixed the yogurt with madras curry powder, cumin, and garam masala, and lime juice. and i made some daal. with fried onions, ginger, garlic and scotch bonnet peppers. and some guacamole with mangoes, avocado, red onions, lime, and cilantro (i don't blend it in the processor). and i put this on a tostada shell. and topped with fresca crema. it was delicious.

and i made it without recipes. except for the daal. i just know how to do it. i don't even need recipes for a lot of things anymore. i know hoe things will taste together before i even make them. or at least how the should taste. it's really crazy how much i picked up in the restaurant. how to cut things the quickest. how to get the most fruit off the mango and avocado, which on a side note are so incredibly delicious here. how to chop onions quickly and symmetrically. and it is comforting. it's there when i need it. and i don't even have to think that much about what i'm doing. i can just do it.

this was one of the best things i've ever made. the picture will never capture how great it was. from texture to taste to everything. it left the best taste in my mouth. which is rare.

i wish i could be that way with statistics. i would be much happier.

at the feet of the blessed virgin


as stress increases, my tendencies towards obsessive-compulsive behavior become more,um, pronounced. i find myself at the mexi-mart at 10 at night buying candles that i can light at the feet of the blessed virgin. asking, no, begging her to fill my heart with the infinite fucking patience to make it through another day. begging her to fill my heart with love so that i might no longer suffer.

yes. i have a statue of our lady of fatima. no. i am not catholic. i don't even believe in god. although i went to a psychic who told me that she could see how strong my faith is. i still don't know how she saw that.

i don't know if there is a god.

i don't know if there is not a god.

i have no feelings either way.

i have never felt god anywhere i've ever been. i get a strange feeling sometimes in certain churches, but i think that it is not god, but the crazy energy of all the other people believing so hard.

but i love the idea of the blessed virgin. and i particularly love the story of the lady of fatima. there were these three children in portugal. they were tending sheep. in 1917, the blessed virgin appeared to them on the 13th day of the month, for six months. she predicted the death for two of them, which came to pass. the girl that lived became a nun.

i envy those children. yes. two of them died. but they knew it was coming. they knew. because i would imagine after seeing something so fantastic, you would know.

that's all i want. to know. to have the control of knowing. because right now, there is a lot of uncertainty in my life. this uncertainty affects the way i interact with other people. i know that i have ruined a lot of relationships over not knowing. i get scared. that's why andrea and i are such good friends. because i know she is there. i can always call her. she will always answer. same with thomas.

but it isn't always the case. my inability to trust, because the potential for things to not work out is so unnerving to me, has ruined most of my relationships. because i want constant reassurance. and that's unrealistic.

i used to think that being up front about it was the way to go. but that didn't work. not everyone needs to talk about feelings all the time. some people aren't comfortable doing that. so now i just try to keep it inside. like if i don't tell people how crazy i am, then they won't know. but that is hard on me, because i am an open person. i can't hide my feelings easily. the hard thing is that, on some days, all the good feelings and intuition about other people in the world can't override the things that have happened in the past. so my relationships become these painful self-fulfilling prophecies. sometimes, especially the past few years or so, i just refuse to engage that other person at all. or i end things before i ever have to get close. especially if i really care about that person.

the only thing i've ever wanted is for someone to think that i was worth it enough to stop me from doing that. to ask me not to leave. which i realize is asking way too much. it isn't fair to the other person. but still... no one ever has. and so i, in turn, feel that i am just not worth it. to anyone. or i start to think that any inaction on their part is an intentional reflection on me. because i make everything about me. and truthfully, it isn't. it never is. most times it isn't even about me at all. which is fine with me. it's just in the absence of certainty my mind makes assumptions about the situation that reflect my own lack of a sense of self worth.

the reality is that this isn't a problem with the other person. it is a problem with me. you can't put all that responsibility on the other person like that. it isn't fair. to them or to me. because it puts unhappiness on them and it even if they indulge me, i never make progress. i just lean on them until they can't stand it anymore. and even though i have these realizations, it is so hard to break a life long cycle of negative self indulgence.

i want to believe that things work out, even though i do not have any control over them. i want to be like the children in the field. even though life is strange, you have experiences that allow you certainty. but, i am so afraid that it is too late for me. so incredibly afraid.

people deal with things like this in different ways. some people go to therapy. some people meditate or do yoga. some people self-medicate.

i've done all of those things.

now i light the candles.

*just to be clear that picture isn't from my house...i'm not that crazy.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

my body, myself

fuck what you heard about the beauty of being a woman. or the lunar cycle or any of that shit. there is nothing, NOTHING good about it. unless you are trying to get pregnant, i suppose.

i was about to apologize to all of my male readers for going on the hormone driven rant, but then i thought about it and...i'm not fucking sorry. this is my blog. if you don't like it, fuck off. go read something else.

in a way, i hate even going down this road. i used to work with this girl that tried to blame her shitty personality on premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), when the fact was, she was just a bad person. maybe not a bad person, but she had total victim mentality. excuse after excuse after fucking excuse for why she was a raging bitch all the time. hormones being one of them

i don't want to be that way. BUT...

right now i am out of hand. i am trying to maintain. but i oscillate between crying hysterically over the littlest thing and going into a blind rage over the littlest thing. as sensitive as i am normally, it is twice as bad right now. make that four times as bad.

i feel totally out of control.

and i'm in pain. i have heinous cramps, which make my back hurt. i can barely sit up. and i'm swollen up like a dairy cow. which, i will be the first admit, is really aesthetically attractive. so there is a bright side. my breasts LOOK amazing. but i can't even lay on my stomach. it is the most uncomfortable feeling.

sometimes fertility just isn't worth it. vajazzle that, jennifer love hewitt.

and yes. this is one big plea for sympathy.

our bodies, ourselves...

i'm going to continue on the vajazzling thing. mostly because it's fucking hilarious. i mean, seriously, is this the culmination of the feminist movement? a disco ball snatch? i thought i was being indulgent by buying fancy underwear even though there's no one to see me in it.

jennifer love hewitt has clearly raised the stakes of empowerment. and notice how in the video (from yesterday's post) she is careful to note the use of swarovski crystals in vajazzling. because let's face it, ladies, you're just not going to get the same feeling from those fake-ass plastic crystals from target.

somehow i don't think this is what betty freidan had in mind. andrea dworkin either. i'm not saying i want to live in their vision of the feminist utopia either. especially 70's era dworkin. but, i can't help but think that vajazzling is not rooted in empowerment and is indicative of a larger issue. a swarovski crystal based issue.

let's face it. jennifer love hewitt is trifling. always has been. so there's no reason to even start listening to her now. other than for a good laugh.

and speaking of trifling bitches...i came across this article from a site claiming to cater to women's interests. i would be happy with one reason to be happy, but they give twenty. twenty reasons to be happy right now? more like twenty reasons to feel afraid for the future. and the present.

boyfriend jeans? get fucking real. kelly cutrone put it best in her scathing indictment of this fashion disaster when she asserted that unless you are six feet tall and 105lbs, this look is just wrong. ordinary women will not look good in these.

ice cream? cupcakes? harlequin romance novels? the fact that joe jonas is soon to reach the legal age of consent?

to think that this is what women are about these days is ridiculous. but they are about this. i know a lot of women. if you think it's any better in higher education, think again. (although...i would actually argue that people in general are stupid like this, not just women.)

let's face it, no amount of vajazzle can cover this up.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

because i want you all to be up on things...



i'm at a loss on this one. i do have to thank daintysugarplum. i saw this on her facebook status update. not the video. just "vajazzling". and to be clear, daintysugarplum doesn't do this. she was commenting on the inanity of it.

but i had to google it. and look what i found...

some things are best left unknown. this is one of them. but i have to know and now so do you...

data-driven




















i woke up this morning and realized that in like three weeks, i am done with statistics. i don't have to take any more classes. i'm done. no one can make me do it ever again.

i know that you are expecting me to be delighted. or have a party. a lot of people i know are like "never again". which is exactly what i said the first time i took statistics.

NEVER AGAIN.

but...

i'm kind of sad. what am i going to blame my unhappiness on once you're gone, statistics?

but that's not the only reason.

i'm only just now starting to see the full picture. it comes in flashes. for split seconds, i can see how everything fits together perfectly. but...then it's gone and i can't see anything. and i'm left super confused.

i don't think i can take another class for a grade though. the stress is too much. but i would possibly consider sitting in on a class. possibly.

i get to spend all day today with my data. and for the first time in a long time, i am looking forward to that.

data...don't go....

Monday, February 22, 2010

dear mr. starbucks...

i appreciate your sentiment. really. if i were you and i saw me, i would want to touch me too. so believe me when i tell you that i understand. i would also want to talk to me.

BUT.

you are old enough to be my father. and i think i set a bad precedent by letting you hug me that one time. and when i returned your good morning.

AND.

did you also forget that i told you that i was a lesbian? guess so. yes. it was a lie. but every time you invade my personal space, it becomes slightly more true.

some days i just don't want to make small talk. this is one of them.

sigh.

something has to give

i can't go on this way.

i'm too tired.

i went to sleep crying. i woke up crying. the last time i was this upset about having to do something was when i worked in the restaurant. i would cry every morning before i went to work. because i hated it so much. that's how i feel right now.

i think i'm super hormonal right now, which might be making everything seem way worse than it is. i think i could stomach the work if i got to do anything relevant. not the case.

oh, i get to read about genocide. more than i ever wanted. it's taking a lot out of me. i don't understand why it affects me so much, but other people can just read it and write away. i should do something else. i can't read about the holocaust anymore. it's hurting me. i'm trying to write about forgiveness, but all i can think about is the ovens. and what it would feel like to starve. or to watch you family die. and i can't write. at least not about the things i'm supposed to.

i have nightmares about it. i've had nightmares for years. i wake up and i feel like i'm suffocating. i can't breath. but right now it is worse. and i live by myself, so i'm twice as scared. it's so hard to go back to sleep.

i have to give a presentation today that i am completely unprepared for. and not because i haven't been working on it. i hate feeling unprepared. i don't know what to do. i suppose the three hours a night i sleep are too many.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

really?

if i had a superpower, it would be the power to avoid work. so i took this personality quiz....

Personality Tests result:

Who is your true self: You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Your view on yourself:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are down-to-earth
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : People like you because you are so straightforward
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person
The seriousness of your love:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : So you will find yourself with plenty of dates
Your views on education:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Education is very important in life
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You want to study hard
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Learn as much as you can
The right job for you:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You have many goals
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Want to achieve as much as you can
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy
How do you view success:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Nothing will stop you from trying
What are you most afraid of:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are concerned about your image
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : The way others see you
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : It's time for you to believe in who you are
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Not what you wear

and what i want most today is...

to not be in pain.

everything hurts today. my bones. my head. my soul.

i don't know what direction the pain goes in. i'm not sure if the physical pain is coming from my emotional pain, or if the pain i feel in my body is making me sad. all i know is that it's making it so hard to work. it's unbearable.

i have a blinding headache. it makes it hard to focus on the words have to read. they get kind of blurry and i have to concentrate super hard to even read them.

my bones hurt. they have for years now. no one has ever been able to tell me why. so i think it must be emotional. the price i pay for a heightened sense of empathy.

i just want to lay down.

but i can't. i have to keep working. and i can't do anything well, when i feel like this. i am basically about to cry. or throw up. or have a panic attack.

i don't want to read about genocide anymore. or forgiveness. or reconciliation. some things just aren't about politics. they just aren't. i'm so over the friend-enemy distinction.

why? why is my body doing this to me? why today? of all days.

it hurts. and the worst part is i have to just go on and pretend that everything is fine. i hate it.

i want. i want. i want.

this is the story of my life.

wanting.

i tried buddhism once. i was thoroughly unsuited to giving up attachments. it's not that i don't fully appreciate that suffering is derived from attachment, it's just that i am so ruled by desire that i am fundamentally incapable of separating myself from it.

and i have tried. more than one time.

right now, what i want is to be happy. i have been increasingly consumed with the idea that life is short. i mean i have always been preoccupied with death. because i am attached to physical existence. but now i am really starting recognize the futility of clinging to one idea of how that existence should be.

i don't want to waste my time and then end up looking back wishing i had just been sure enough to forgo certain attachments in favor of happiness. but....

it is scary. because uncertainty is hard. because i am afraid of being happy. mostly because i am afraid that it will end. i am afraid i don't deserve it. i am afraid it isn't for me. i am afraid that i am not good enough.

i want to be better than i am. i want to be patient.

but mostly i want to know.

i want... i want... i want...

so some thoughts on today

alexander haig.

who the fuck even knew he was still alive? whatever.

which is worse to have for breakfast...a bagel or a muffin?

lately i've been hungry like all the time. i can't get enough to eat. but i just can't handle the idea of putting on weight. i love my body the way it is right now. i think that it is that time of the quarter that i am totally eating my feelings. stress feelings.

and speaking of my body...

i'm glad to know that, after going out the other night, that i've still got it. random people kept buying me drinks. of course these people were totally undesirable. so i pretty much just said thanks and took the drinks. but whatever... i'm so picky that probabilistically speaking, i'm not going to meet anyone acceptable. at least i can get drinks off of them.

also...i don't really know what's going on with me hormonally speaking. i have totally entered the ideal 28 day cycle. i can't figure out why. it must be something about the energy in california. maybe the moon is stronger here. or maybe my biological clock is ticking. i don't know.

and in connection with this idea and the crossroads i am at in my life right now in terms of not knowing what i want professionally...

i heard an interview with kelly cutrone. who is quite possibly the baddest bitch on the planet. and when asked what advice she had for young women, she said that the best thing you can do is think about what you do and why you do it. if it isn't what you want, then think about what would make you happy and just do it. there's no reason not to. and whatever you do, there is absolutely no reason for settling down between the ages of 18-35. if you feel that it is right for you, do it. but there's no other good reason to.

i don't want to wait that long.

i also wish i could work in the fashion industry. i don't know which is more implausible. getting the chance to settle down or getting a job in fashion.

time to work.


Saturday, February 20, 2010

postscript to the previous post....

after i wrote that, i was checking my horoscope...you know, rather than start on the mountain of work i am facing....

and it said...

The emotions you are looking for will work themselves out in its own time, just hang in there. Subtle feelings and intangible intuition allow an increasing buildup of emotional communication. Take things slow and easy is really the best way to handle things as there's no hurry to get to the end of the game when you are just starting out.

sigh.

whatever.

a story that starts out with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax

this has been the week of the earthquake. i hate them. not because the thing is scary in and of itself, but because of the uncertainty they represent. you never know when the next one is coming. they are all slightly different. you don't know when it's going to start. or how it's going to go. or if it's going to stop. if it's going to go on. if everything is going to fall down around you. or if you can just go on about your day.

but you can't just go on with things. clarification... I can't just go on with things. earthquakes are this reminder that things are constantly shifting. constantly moving. constantly changing.

that i have no control over my life. AT ALL.

my life is this incessant search for control. i control what i eat. even right now. i am looking around at all these people eating scones and muffins and bagels for breakfast. and i want to eat these things too. SO FUCKING BADLY.

but i don't. because even though i'm unhappy not eating these things, i am in control over whether or not i eat them. unhappiness is familiar to me. i can deal with unhappiness. because even in the discomfort there is the familiar. i know what to expect. there's nothing i enjoy more than the familiar.

the same with relationships. someone i know put it best when she explained that in a lot of ways she would rather just go ahead and break up with her boyfriend even though she really, really liked him. because at least when you break up you know the state of things. you know where you stand with that person. there isn't this constant wondering about when things are going to end. i'm totally familiar with this part of relationships. the breaking up part.

in a sense, words are meaningless to me. i've heard them all before. things like "i love you". or "everything is fine. don't worry". or "you can trust me". because i know that these words are no guarantee of anything. and so i'm not ever comfortable hearing them.

because i want to believe them. more than anything.

it's things working out that i'm so terribly uncomfortable with. i have no frame of reference for this.

i can never seem to rid myself of the constant anticipation of the earthquake that is going bring the whole thing falling down around me.

Friday, February 19, 2010

little earthquakes

all week long there have been all of these tiny earthquakes.

there have been four today.

spoke too soon...make that five.

the are very short, but stronger than normal the only way i can describe it is that it feels like a car hit your building. just this vibration. and the a jarring sensation.

i am gearing up for the big one.

i think it might be coming.

andrea and i are going out tonight, do hopefully i'll have some tales to tell tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

you know what the funny thing about interaction variables is?

nothing. they aren't funny at all. or fun. or any derivative or associate of those terms. and i thought they were out of my life.

honestly. when i finished my assignment, which i can only liken to being trapped the third panel of the garden of earthly delights without first actually indulging in the exquisite, although short-lived, pleasures of the earthly delights, i decided that we were through. but here they are. creeping back into my life at the insistence of one overly-optimistic statistics professor. ruining my social life like the emotionally unavailable, yet devastatingly complex ex-boyfriend that shows up wherever you happen to be. the one that never answers his phone, but then drunk texts you at three in the morning when you're with someone else that you don't like nearly as much to tell you how much he misses you.

and you're making me want to eat my feelings. i'm sitting here right now looking at the cake at the coffee shop thinking 'would it really be that wrong?'

yes. is the answer to that question.

this is what happened...

i was explaining my reservations about my paper given specific things that are necessary to construct an appropriate model. and was it going to be necessary to just do something else, something simpler, in order to avoid the construction of something that is just so inappropriate? so i was explaining what was necessary v. what i could realistically do and he really excited and said...

him: this is really great! you know what you're really saying to me? you're wanting to include some interaction variables.

me: what!?!? i assure you that is not what i'm saying. i don't really fee-

him: [interrupting in an excited way] oh yes. this is exactly what you're saying! see? now that you've had some practice in your homework-

me: [interrupting with laughter] that homework took A LOT out of me.

him: [laughing] yes. but this is great, because the point was to give you practice not to make you so frustrated that you're like 'i don't EVER want to use this AGAIN.' and now you're-

me: really? because that is EXACTLY what i said.

him: just build the models and we'll work through them.

[end scene]


sigh.

interaction variables... you don't want to have an actual relationship based on mutual understanding, you just want to keep from being happy with someone else. a simpler regression model. one that i can understand. one that doesn't make me cry.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

daily confession (or what should perhaps be subtitled 'statistics is the new failed relationship')

someone i know was talking about doing ten years of confession at one time today. and how many things that was when they looked back trying to recount all those sins.

so then i started thinking about all the things i do wrong in the course of even one day that i should probably atone for.

i am short-tempered.

and really impatient.

i wish i had the patience of my statistics professor, who has the patience of a fucking saint. he never gets mad or annoyed or anything. even with me. at least he never shows it. and i'm the worst at statistics. and i'm in his office like all the time. he feels that it is a positive sign that at least i am thinking about and through things in a meaningful fashion. even if i don't understand everything. although he says that i understand more than i think i do. that i just need more practice to feel more secure with beta coefficients.

sorry that it all has to come back to statistics. it is the new failed relationship for me. human interaction is so two weeks ago. my fear that i will never make a meaningful connection with another person has been replaced with the fear that i will never fully understand my data.

but back to some more interesting transgressions.

today, i also objectified our waitress. i couldn't help it. she is too fine. AND her body is so fabulous. she has the best breasts i've ever seen. andrea can corroborate this. i like her personality too. she is kind of like flo, but with great tits. even if the bar where she workswasn't a seedy remnant of the late 70's early 80's and they didn't have prime rib night and a racetrack theme, i would go just to see her.

i came home and lit a candle to the blessed virgin and asked that i might do better tomorrow. i hope it doesn't matter if the candle is pink and not white.

Monday, February 15, 2010

super size me

jesus. fucking. christ.

statistics...i hate you.

interaction models....you are truly heinous.

and if it weren't enough that i have devoted more than an appropriate amount of time to you, you drove me to fast food. that's right. it isn't enough that my soul hurts. now i'm going to be fat as well. i just didn't know what else to do. i would drink but then i wouldn't be able to finish.

FUCK.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

te quiero mucho



here's another vd present for all of you. and it's way better than that sickening, garishly packaged box of drugstore chocolates that you got from your significant other. (oh... how i wish i had gotten some). or those horrifyingly pink roses that were sent to your work so that not only do you know they were thinking about you, but so does everyone you work with. (oh... i was always so super envious of those recipients).

this is one of my favorite MIS songs. i think read an interview with camilo lara and i think he said that he wrote it for a girlfriend as a sort of serge gainsbourg inspired thing because he travels all the time and couldn't always be giving her attention. but then she broke up shortly after.

that girl was a fool. the serge gainsbourg reference alone makes him a keeper, not to mention how beautiful the song is. i think the words are something like 'i know i don't tell you that much, but i really love/want/care for you a lot'. but my spanish is kind of bad. maybe andrea will read this and offer a better translation.

enjoy this rancid day. (that i secretly want to enjoy)

ain't love grand?



if you've never seen elevator to the gallows, then.....i just don't know what to tell you. it's one of the most beautiful movies ever made. it a lot of ways. i always associated it with the french new wave, but i suppose that's debatable, like everything.

i'm not going to go into some cinematic exposition here, because i'm not at all qualified to do so. however, one of the important contributions of the french new wave (as i understood it and confirmed by wikipedia) was the conscious move away from the strict narrative in film making.

because life isn't like that. like the narrative. this then this then this. then outcome.

you think it is. you're conditioned to always anticipate the solution to things as...i don't want to say 'set', but...there are certain things that feel are supposed to happen. like everything that happens is this build up to the culmination of a specific outcome. and it some ways things are like this. but the emphasis is removed from the process of things to the outcome. like you're so concerned with what actions will contrive a specific outcome that you think is most appropriate, that you miss out on things that could make you feel really good. things that could help you become a better person.

life is absurd. the narrative isn't fixed. things change constantly. and it's really, really unnerving. or it can be. because you just never know. ever.

this is a huge detour from my original point. in 'elevator to the gallows' the outcome is set. it ends badly. there's no way around it. but it really truly captures the flux of life. the not knowing. basically it's this woman wondering around paris looking for her lover who was supposed to meet her after killing her husband. but he's stuck in an elevator. she doesn't know if he's dead or in jail or if he's abandoned her. the beauty of this movie is that you don't even have to follow the plot to enjoy it. miles davis did the soundtrack. in a two day non-stop session, or something crazy like that. so you can basically just get stoned and watch the images with the music and not even bother with the subtitles or trying to translate in your head.

so she's just searching and searching.

murder or not (preferably not), love is like that. you're just searching and searching. sometimes you find them. sometimes you don't.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

i felt the earth move under my feet.



























there was an earthquake today.

i had decided to take a nap and had just fallen asleep. and then i was awakened by the strongest vibration. and then there was kind of a pop and everything, like my whole apartment building, moved from one side to another.

nothing bad happened. but....it scared me.

i know you like to watch

so i'm thinking that you might like to hear about something other than interaction variables and two-stage heckman models. that shit is fucking boring, right? in fact, it is really hard for me to say which is more boring my foray into my infinite sadness re: love or statistics...

i'm going to go with statistics.

although...i have noticed an increase in readers. sometimes as many as 17 in one day. that is major for me. and with the help of google analytics i know that i have gone worldwide. i'm an international girl. thanks for watching. i hope you like what you see.

AND...
i have 5 followers now! count them 1-2-3-4-5....

AND....one of them i DON'T EVEN KNOW PERSONALLY!!!

this is beyond exciting to me. i love you all. and i would love you more if you, if you left comments. and if you pass my blog on to everyone you know....

and speaking of love...

it seems like everything is pointing to love right now. with it being the day before valentine's day and all. it's like one big reminder of what you don't have. if you don't have someone.

even john barrymore's granddaughter took time off from yapping about inner beauty to note that valentines' day is kind of a bullshit holiday. and on that note, let me just say the focus on inner beauty loses all significance when you go from kind of normal sized to hollywood fine with the help of a lot of money. to which i can only say....bitch please. talk all the shit you want to market yourself and your bullshit rom-coms to to slightly heavy girls with body image issues. you're not fooling anybody. give me kate moss any fucking day. she looks the way she looks and is pretty much like "fuck you, if you don't like it". plus she did it herself, without cashing in the benefits of nepotism and entitlement. you're fucking flawless, kate. i love you.

valentine's day....it makes people feel bad. it's totally exclusionary.

it's like...in case you don't feel alienated enough from your circle of acquaintances, there's a whole day during which you can sit home alone thinking about it. and make no mistake, i'll be sitting alone too. because don't even think of trying to go out and do something for yourself. you'll drown in gaudy displays of affection. it will only make you feel worse.

but from me to you...fuck all that shit. you're fabulous. if for other reason than that you read this blog.

Friday, February 12, 2010

ahead of the now

i'm supposed to be constructing models. models of interaction. but i've been trying to do this since yesterday.

and i feel like i'm trying to do like a thousand things at one time. because there's are like a thousand things that have to be done. it's horrible. it isn't even about doing things well. there are no things done well. there are just things that are done and things that are not done.

and these models are not done.

and my statistics paper has hit a wall. and i don't know what to do about that. but it has to be addressed today. being sick has really just fucked up my whole week.

then... then i have to switch perspectives entirely. and work on qualitative content analysis. i feel like my brain is being stretched in two completely opposite directions. because it is. because when i switch into qualitative mode, everything feels wrong because you completely and explicitly abandon the established rules of process that are inviolable in quantitative studies. if you don't know what i'm taking about, be fucking glad. ignorance is total bliss on this one.

so i can't be in the now. because i'm constantly thinking about the next thing i have to do.

my mind is a really busy place. i think i just need to make a schedule for myself that is calculated to minute. that might help.

sigh.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

this day is already bullshit

i had something really good to blog about this morning and now i have forgotten what is was.

this day is already pissing me off. i was awoken at like 6am by someone texting me over some stupid shit. i wasn't sure who it was at first, because i was asleep, but it was someone from the east coast. i was pretty much like 'i don't know who this is. but i live on the west coast and it's only 6am here. thanks for waking me up." i'm not sure if my irritation translated via text, because that person readily identified themselves, when they should have been super ashamed for being so lame.

it was ridiculous.

i should be working. but i am supposed to be working on my statistics project. but. i hate my topic. which i picked myself. and the data makes me nervous. so i sit here paralyzed by the fact that i am averse to doing the work. i know i need to stop avoiding this and just do it. because the anxiety is worse than actually doing it. still...

and...i just realized that i haven't had anything to eat since tuesday other than some random girl scout cookies and coffee. and like three spoonfuls of leftover curry.

but i'm not even hungry. that's not right, is it?

i'm really not that down today. i actually feel better. i just hate my day not starting the way i want it to.

and i hate numbers.

meh.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

from association to interaction

i really have nothing to say today.

i'm still sick. which i'm sure has a lot to do with my inability to stop working and rest. i just can't. there's no time. i had to go back to sleep this afternoon. i'm trying not to be hard on myself about that. even though there is way too much work for me to get done, even if i wasn't feeling terrible. i just had to do it.

then i had to go to school to meet about interaction variables.

i will spare you the details. but i will say that the only thing more difficult than the interaction between human beings is the interaction between X variables. and having to explain that interaction in words.

they make me feel bad. actually...worse. they make me feel worse. i already feel bad.

i hate being sick. this entry is really just one big solicitation of sympathy. feel free to indulge me at will.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

associations, both positive and negative

i woke up still sick. i went to sleep at like 8:15 last night. virtually right after i ate my green curry. which i think gave me really bad dreams.

actually...it wasn't the curry. it was the combination of a very heavy heart and a really loud domestic incident next door.

like i said, i went to sleep at 8:14-8:15. i was awakened /awoken (i never know which is the appropriate word) by the sound of my neighbor's girlfriend(?) banging on the metal outer door of his apartment and screaming at the top of her lungs. he had locked her out again. this happens periodically when they fight. she was crying so hysterically i couldn't even understand what she was saying...which i think was a combination of 'let me in' and 'how could you' and something about another girl. now i've never seen the girl, but i have seen the guy. and i can say that, probabilistically speaking, she is way too good for him.

i've only been that hysterical once. and it won't happen again. i try to keep my emotions to myself nowadays. it just isn't worth it. but hearing that desperation hurt me. i could feel her pain through the walls of the apartment. so i had bad dreams.

so i don't have the option of staying home, even though i can barely sit up. and i got up at like 5:30 and started doing work. i went to starbucks.

there's this older gentleman that comes into starbucks really early. he's a doctor. he has this personality that i couldn't place for the longest time. then i realized...he reminded me of a doctor i used to wait on when i worked at the restaurant. a gynecologist. he was the kindest most empathetic person. he always knew the right thing to say to make me feel better. and you didn't even have to tell him what was wrong.

he died. the last time i saw him was after he found out he had cancer and was going out west for treatment. i knew i would never see him again.

he put his arm around me and said "everything will be all right, mandy. you'll see. everything's going to be fine."

i knew he meant it the most profound existential way. i think about that a lot. especially when things don't seem that way. at all.

and then...

while i was enjoying the realization of why this person seemed so familiar to me....i got this email from someone i very much didn't want to hear from. faithful readers will recall this context setting post...

it was the most contrived, bullshit email. don't waste my fucking time or yours asking me a question that could be answered with a simple google search.

but, on second thought...thank you. thank you for reminding me of how incredibly stupid i once was. so that maybe in the future i can not make that mistake again. thank you for reminding me that people are essentially the same and to not caught up.

i really wanted to respond by telling this person to go fuck himself. but i decided to hold my tongue. which is something i have not been very good at lately.

my mother always told me that my inability to do so would bring me nothing but unhappiness. i now see how right she really was.

why can't i ever seem to do or say the right thing? it's so frustrating. i wish i could be someone else right now. someone that could be composed and cool and not over emotional and not reactionary. someone that does and says the appropriate thing all the time.

i want to better than what i am.

i just feel everything so much more than other people. empathy is my greatest strength, but my biggest curse. i've simply got to learn how to control it.

AND...is it too much to ask for one good thing to happen today? just anything...

Monday, February 8, 2010

oral consent

after the other girls in my class talked amongst themselves about their valentine's day plans but didn't include me in the conversation because i'm the only single one there...

after my professor said "have you had to get oral consent, yet?" (in the context of interviewing) and i started laughing inappropriately and then he started laughing, acknowledging that, yes, it sounded really dirty and then everyone laughed...

after i had to listen to this massively annoying guy argue with the professor when he (the annoying guy) had NO idea what he was talking about...

something good happened.

the professor asked what a residual was and not only did i get a picture in my mind of a
residual...which looked a little something like this...
but i also answered the question automatically. which is...observed minus expected value.

this was really, really exciting to me. it made me really happy. but also really surprised that i knew the answer.

for people that are good at math, i realize this is lame. but to me it's a big deal. it means that i am, at the very least, committing something to memory. and my painful hours are not wasted entirely.

on the downside, i am super fucking sick. i was hoping that my professor would tell me to go home since i could barely speak, but no such luck. i participated just like i normally would, even though i was on so much day-quil that i could barely hold my head up.

by the time i got home, i was so exhausted i almost fell over when i walked through the door. time to eat my green curry and go to sleep.

love is all around me

especially right now. especially in starbucks. where i sit trying to not cry. as they shove their collection of (the absolute worst) love song covers down your throat just in time for valentine's day. which is everywhere right now. given the proximity of the holiday.

especially on facebook. i've always wondered about people that have to express their love in their daily status. is it like the people that have to be all over each other in public...the more you have to make those public overtures the more it covers up for the fact that they really feel nothing? or do i just cling to that idea so i don't have to confront the truth. which is that i'm simply not worth the grand gesture of public affection? which i don't like anyway. i'm a very private person. i'm actually quite shy. or maybe i don't know how i would feel, because i've never gotten the chance to find out.

i'm adverse to this undoubtedly because the most public gestures of affection i've ever got have been references to my body. even here around people i go to school with. that's all people see. like when a guy friend of mine commented on what a great rack i had. yes, he used that phrase. yes, it was supposed to be funny. i laughed. i didn't know what else to do. he really is one of my favorite people and i know that he would never do anything to upset me. and it didn't upset me until later. and i have to laugh, otherwise i would cry all the time. seriously, if i cried every time someone said something about my body i would cry an average of 5.7 times/day.

i'm still so torn on this. in a way i didn't mind, but in a way i was really mortified. that's all people see. i'll never be anything more than that to anyone. because as much as i love my body and i love sex and it's so fun for me and i don't think there's anything wrong with talking about it or anything like that...i have to recognize that we don't live in that world yet. we still live in a world where i am tied, through no fault of my own to specific gender roles. and these roles include the ascription of whorish identities to women that talk openly about sex. or have bodies that automatically connect them with highly sexualized images. and that as a result, while a lot of people are going to want to fuck me, no one is going to want to be with me in any capacity other than this. i'm not the kind of girl you take home.

a lot of people pay a lot of money to have bodies like mine. but i didn't ask for this body. i didn't ask for any of the baggage that comes with it. but the flip side, is i love the validation. because it's the only validation i can get.

so all this love around me is really just bullshit to me. love...has nothing to do with it...

i think that i prefer to keep myself to myself. it's just better that way. it's preferable to pretend that people can see past my body. i want to believe that is possible. i want to believe that a lot of things are possible. that love is possible. that someday i'll be good enough in soul to transcend this body. that someone will see past that and see who i really am.

i realize that this blog took an unexpected turn. but i'm on a lot of day-quil right now. and i have a lot of things going on in my head. also keep this in mind in light of any grammatical errors.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

alone with everybody

if you know that poem, first let me commend you on being awesome. second, you already know where this going.

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.


no one writes about love like bukowski. the utter rejection of fruitful possibility mixed with the vehement, outward rejection of hope. but underneath that is the constant repetition of the same pointless action on the off chance that you'll stumble upon some deviation in the pre-destined order of things that will get you the thing that will make you feel whole again.

there's a hole in my soul. i've tried to fill it with lots of things over the years. drinking. binging on this drug or that. sedatives. series of self-validating one night stands. believing in love, not in THE one, i gave that up a long time ago, but love as something that could be for me, not just something i see other people enjoy. i want so bad to believe that. more than anything. but, at the end of the day i'm just not worth it. people can tell that about me. and so i bring nothing but unhappiness to every person who is foolish enough to involve themselves with me. i am crying as i write this. crying for myself. because i want to be different. i want to be someone else.

i've made a lot of mistakes. but i have a good heart.

nothing works.

today i'm trying carbs. i'm eating a muffin for breakfast. crazy, right? but eating a muffin is like eating cake for breakfast.

as i celebrate the absurdity of making the same mistakes over and over again.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

all that hand sanitizer FOR NOTHING.....

i have a cold. i woke up today, actually yesterday, feeling not so hot.

yesterday, i tried to blame stress and tried to just keep working through it.

this morning, however, i woke and realized that i am actually sick. which is super inconvenient. because i have more work than i can do in the best of health. i just can't concentrate. i just want to go back to bed.

i have lost my voice.

whenever i get sick, i miss my mother. i've been out of my parent's house since i was 19 or so. but i've always lived within thirty minutes of them, except for when i moved to memphis. when i was living near my mom, i used to go to her house when i was sick. it just made me feel better.

it would make me feel better now. even though she always lectures me about not taking my vitamins.

it's lonely here. especially when i'm sick. actually, this is the first time i've been sick here. i don't usually get sick. i know that it is the stress. i've been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately. like a ton of pressure. which is counterproductive, i realize, but i can't stop.

it's making me unable to function. i can't think of anything. anything i want to do. anything i want to study. anything i'm interested in.

this is a slight exaggeration...i have some interests. i'm hoping that this fog will lift and i'll feel like myself again.

and hope, as they say, springs eternal.

Friday, February 5, 2010

more painful interaction

last night, i went to a coffee shop near my house to work. mostly because i don't have any furniture in my living room and if i sit in bed and work i just fall asleep. plus...they have free wireless here. and really, really good coffee.

this is an aside from the painful interaction that i am about to describe, but last night was open mic night. there was a high school girl playing acoustic lady gaga covers. no...for real. it was absurd. absurdly hilarious. last time i came here on open mic night i sat in a side room and had to listen to this guy play through what seemed like the entire simon and garfunkel catalogue. entirely off key.

anyway. i was sitting at a table next to this guy. he was reasonably good looking. polite. and was also working. he kept smiling at me, but not in a creepy way like the guy that kept walking past my table every two seconds and staring intensely at me.

so i get up to leave and i had to unplug my laptop, which was attached to the outlet next to his table.

at which point he introduced himself. his name was...oh fuck... i can't even remember...and he is a claims adjuster. then he started in with the small talk. what are reading/working on etc...

but all i'm thinking is....claims adjuster? really? this is where i lost interest. not that i was really even that interested to start with.

oh god...PLEASE don't ask for my number i was thinking. i mean...he was nice and all, but how fucking boring. what would we talk about? the insurance business? minor car accidents? and all of the sudden my mind is envisioning really awkward sex with lights off and socks on. all thirty seconds of it...

but i didn't want to be rude. i know it's hard to talk to people. i didn't want to make him feel bad. he just wasn't good looking enough to transcend having the most boring fucking job on the planet.

you see how i am? my hyper-selectivity. it's outta hand.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

what a difference a curry makes

finally.

things are going better. only slightly. but still.

first.

after almost three years...countless tears...untold amounts of frustration...daily headaches since september...and the endless patience of one statistics professor who never makes me feel bad about asking questions...i am FINALLY getting statistics. just a little bit.

and with numbers and i, a little goes a long way.

i can read a regression table.

oh yes. it's true. when data speaks to me, i can understand.

i could weep with happiness.

second.

i finally found a good curry house near where i live. that is something i have really missed. i think it might have just opened. it self-identifies as a halal-tandoori restaurant, which just means that they're pakistani and you can get beef dishes as well.

it is very minimalist. no elephant/taj mahal murals. no mirrors (i don't know what it is about indian places and mirrors). no linen table clothes. just this old guy cooking in the emptiest kitchen you ever saw.

it is so fucking delicious. it's not like indian food at most restaurants. it is more like home cooked food.

it was so good that it made me kind of sad. it made me miss memphis. i have a lot of good memories of eating indian food there.

negative externality

is a perfect example of the bougie academic speak that i am forced to digest on a daily basis. it's actually an economics term that other academics like to appropriate to apply to all kinds o' things. essentially, this represents a situation in which "an individual or firm making a decision does not have to pay the full cost of the decision." so other people have to pay these costs and this is usually not accounted for appropriately and then this creates disturbances in market efficiency and blah blah blah...

which is just an overly extravagant way of saying that actions have implications for people other than those that take them. and sometimes these actions affect others adversely.

my emotions could be an example of a negative externality. i've been severely unhappy lately. and i think a lot of people are having paying the costs associated with my actions. i've just been spilling over with misery.

which is nothing new for me. maybe i would be unhappy not matter what. i mean all things being equal, would i really be happy? have i ever been?

i shouldn't exaggerate. there are things that make me happy. i live in the best place on the planet, other than europe. the sun shines a lot, which is good for me. and it's warm. it doesn't really rain (except for the past couple of weeks).

i know some really rad people.

so what is it? is it just my nature to attach myself to the most negative interpretation of any situation and fucking drown myself in it?

tb once told me that i have a gift for looking at something and coming up with the most negative interpretation possible. whether anything bad was actually there or not.

i think this is a really unpleasant combination of my inability to trust and my ocd tendencies. i'm terrified to hope that anything will work out. and even if i'm unhappy all the time, at least i'm not caught off guard. i'm used to unhappiness. it's familiar. you can count on it. things might get better, but at least you're used to the worst already.

tb also told me yesterday that i have to just put my emotions to the side and do what i have to do. and the sooner i learn how to do that, the better.

but where do i put them?

i want to talk about them, but i hate burdening other people with that. my unhappiness isn't their responsibility. i have only myself to blame for that.

but right now it's spilling over everywhere.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

self-validating

so a friend of mine was asking for the link to my blog the other morning. which i gave her, with the caveat that lately all i talk about is buying nice underwear and looking at myself in the mirror. she's really smart, so i didn't want her to be disappointed were she to be expecting a highly intellectual blog that considers deeply meaningful things. not that there's anything wrong with that. it's just there is a time and a place for everything. this is the place for self-validation through highly superficial means.

if there's anything i've learned in this life, it is that expectations result in inevitable disappointment. perhaps that's why i am so resistant to the predicative power of statistical modeling. because i've never really been able to sustain expectations in the face of disappointment. sure. you can make predictions. but they only hold in the context of specifically abstracted parameters. which have, at best, merely indirect counterparts in reality.

things change all the time....

i suppose that my aversion to expectation is inextricably bound to my inability to trust. especially in relationships. i've just been disappointed so many times. one way to define money is trust, in that money represents our trust in that when we go to spend it, it will serve the function that we expect it will.

relationships are like that. the trust is the expectation that when it comes down to it, the other person will act in an expected way. or do an expected thing. or at the very least still be around.

i've never really had an experience that conforms to this. so now i don't have expectations. or at least i try not to. but i don't really have trust either.

the point is that you can't count on anyone for validation but yourself.

because admitting (to yourself or the other) that you need someone else in the sense that your life would be totally empty without them is the scariest thing in the whole world. which usually results in my pushing that person away, before they have a chance to do that to me.

or not even letting them in in the first place. once there was this guy i really liked and when i finally did spend the night with him, i left before he woke up.

needless to say...it didn't work out.

i'm fucked up like that. i can't help it, even though i try to. i'm just get so scared.

but i do realize that this is something i have to work on and improve about myself. and i am trying. it just takes time.

and readers....i hope you realize what a special day this is that i am not blaming the other, but acknowledging that i have things that are hindering me in my desire for happiness. i'm kind of ocd, so it takes a lot of reaffirmation to disrupt a pre-existing pattern and replace it with a new one.

and in regards to validation, my friend suggested that my lingerie/mirror obsession was probably more healthy than a self-validating series of non-stop one night stands.

to which i pointed out...i gave that up years ago. why waste my time having really bad sex, when i can just go home and validate myself?
 
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