Sunday, November 28, 2010

the things we carry

i'm carrying a lot right now.

in the words of an overly sentimental pop song, the only kind of song i seem to listen to these days, you have to leave all your love and your longing behind. you can't carry it with you if you want to survive.

i heard this song a lot of times before i actually listened to the words.

but it's true. like jonah's whale love will swallow you whole. until you're stuck in the belly of the beast, with no way out.

and god can't help you.

you can't carry it with you if you want to survive. love is one more attachment. but it's not one i want to let go of. even though it is weighing me down. i'm sinking. actually, i already sunk.

the question is how to do it.

Friday, November 19, 2010

too busy to write

no time to write.

i am trapped in a hell of my making. in more ways than one.

more to follow.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

on pain

this time it's physical.

my new glasses haven't come yet. my eyes feel like they are going to explode.

it's horrible.

i've been sick all day. i laid in bed an cried. i ate and threw up. that's how bad it hurts.

why am i blogging about it?

because i'm alone. and it's scary and i don't have anyone to talk to. these are the times when i hate being alone. i just want someone to tell me it is going to be ok. that the pain will stop. someone to put their arm around me would be nice too.


is kind of what i'm doing. kind of.

i've also been doing a lot of work. reading about calculus. and considering game theoretic models.

i regret not having taken math seriously when i was younger. in my foolish youth, i though 'oh. i'm going to study political science. i don't need math.'

turns out the joke was on me. i wasn't laughing as i was reading 'ez calculus'. as it turns out, there is no such thing as ez calculus. that's a lie they tell you to sell you a book.

but calculus is not bothering me that much. i just need to know the logic and representation, at the moment.

i have, at long last, reconciled myself to formal modeling. i can appreciate the beauty of the models and the relationships they represent. and they are very beautiful. some more so than others.

my resistance came from a place of not understanding their purpose and function. that is partly my own close mindedness and partly the way it is taught to you. or at least the way it was taught to me.

these models have a particular purpose and function. you can't expect more from them than they are.

this is what i do to distract myself. calculus. game theoretical models.

alternately, i find myself dissecting gordon lightfoot lyrics. take for example the song 'steel rail blues'. you're feeling all down for this guy trying to get back to the one he loves. but if you really listen to the song, you see that he's not trying that hard at all. he gambles his ticket away for fuck's sake. is that how love is? why can't he just get his shit together and get on the goddamn train? if he loves her. or is it about something else all together? maybe he's just scared.

wow. i totally just outed myself on the 1970's folk rock. go ahead and judge. but think about your own life. think about how emotional stress leads you to do unattractive things.

now...shut the fuck up with your judgement.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

the wreck of the nina fitzgerald

i am sitting here. at 3:30 in the afternoon. drinking wine and listening to gordon lightfoot.

i think that it is safe to say that i have officially crossed the line from beautifully tragic to just plain sad.

1970's folk music?

fuck me.

remember when i said that love was bullshit? i think that this is as good an exposition as any for this thesis.

if you could read my mind, love...

i have spent so much time trying to figure this one out. why i would even care about this other. i've been trying to forget them. as hard as i possibly can. i've made this conscious effort not to acknowledge their existence. not in word or in deed.

but it isn't working out for me.

i never thought i could act this way and i have to say that i just don't get it.

i'm not comfortable with these feelings. no matter what i do they won't go away. i can't drink enough to drink them off my mind. not that i'm binge drinking, know what i mean. know what goes really well together? this dry red sparkling wine and kettle crisp chipotle barbeque chips. i'm just sayin'...

so there it is. now you know the truth. laying in bed. eating kettle chips. drinking sparkling red wine (not lambrusco). listening to gordon lightfoot.

just trying to understand the feelings the other lacks.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

the eternal sunshine of the spotless laptop

i had computer drama today. again.

my wireless driver malfunctioned. or became corrupt. or whatever. every time i tried to turn the driver on, my computer crashed. straight up blue screen.

so i had to do a windows recovery.

no. i did not just come to this conclusion on my own. but i executed the plan myself. even though it was scary. scary because...well...the computer seemed so serious about the whole thing. and i didn't know what would happen.

and now?

my computer is good as new. right as rain. healed of its affliction.

and best of all...none of it was my fault. at least, i've been assured that there was nothing i could have done to cause this.

i wish i could force my brain into recovery. to revert it back to a better state. i've thought a lot about the past year. especially in terms guessed it...the other.

i've said a lot of things about wanting to do it over.

it's true in a way. but...i don't want to erase the other. or the feelings i have for them. even though i have a lot of pain associated with them. and frustration. frustration directed at them because i can't have their attention. frustration directed at myself that i want their attention so badly.

i've tried to block them out. it every way that i could think of. until the act of blocking became and act in and of itself. the more i try to forget, the more i am remembering through a sort of negation. and all the while, hoping fervently that they haven't forgotten me as i imagine that they have.

i just want things to be as they were. i miss them so.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

peace like a river?

is stepping on the scale after binge eating your feelings for like two weeks straight and finding out that you've dropped weight. there is a silver lining to stress, i suppose. i look fucking amazing.

on the downside....everything hurts. my sadness is becoming physical. and also i have been without glasses for like a week now. my new ones should be here in another week. my head hurts like constantly.

cried all morning. literally. i just lay in bed crying. after i went to coffee bean. i called tb crying. i said i wished i was a better person, maybe the other would want me. he said i was beautiful and smart and much better could i possibly want to be?

i went back to the psychic. that was encouraging. i like this one. she keeps it real and doesn't try to sell me anything.

i think i just wanted the conversation. seriously. i was so lonely this weekend. i've been beyond lonely lately. and i'm someone that likes being by myself. i truly enjoy my own company.

but it is getting to me.

it isn't really about the other. as in the one i talk about here, from time to time. or most of the time as of late. as much as i want to blame them, as sad as i am...i want them to be happy. it is the only thing i wish for them. an this isn't their fault.

which leads to the greatest paradox of all. i want to talk to them, but i can't because if talking to me make them unhappy, then i don't want to do it. it isn't like with my ex-boyfriend. i would have forced him to stay with me, if i could have. i begged him not to leave me. BEGGED. it wasn't pretty.

i can't this time.

that's how i know i really love them. i would get out of their life forever, if that's what they said they wanted.

love is bullshit.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

once again, without emotion...

i write. then i re-read. then i write again.

i talk a lot about the other. but it isn't about them. not entirely.

they didn't break my heart. it was already broken. maybe what i was hoping was that they could put it back together. that's why i miss them so much. because when i was with them, i felt...i don't know...different. i felt like nothing bad had ever happened to me. like i had a clean slate. nothing else mattered except that moment. i didn't have to be someone else. i wasn't too fucked up for someone to want to be with. i felt good about myself.

i've never felt that with anyone else.

but...this sadness. it was there even before they were, so to put it on them isn't fair. or accurate, really.

what i wrote earlier...that's what i DON'T want to be. and is what i am. needy. afraid. scared to death, actually.

i want to be better than what i am. i'm tired of being alone. i realized just now that i've on;y had two actual conversations today. one was with the kid at coffee bean. the other was with the girl working at macy's.

THIS is why i blog.

i'm the one that i want

so i'm going to preface this entry with an acknowledgement. just know that when you read the things i am about to write (about myself) and you are all 'wow. this chick is either 1.) crazy or 2.) super lame. maybe both. no wonder she's alone.' just know that as much as you think this about me for writing this, imagine i feel upon writing it.

i do feel super lame.

here's another little thing about me courtesy of the enneagram institute ....

As a Four, you tend to cope with problems by being emotionally intense and expressing your feelings. Your message to others is: "I feel really hurt and I need to express myself." Expand your coping skills by being competent, taking practical action, and adopting a positive outlook.

i do feel hurt. someone i let get very close to me hurt me a great deal. but i still miss them. i still feel so much for them. and i don't know what i make of that. i don't know what the appropriate way to deal with that is.

i get a lot of advice. move on. they're just a bad person. fuck them. forget about them. take the lesson and grow. you have to stay open.

i can't see the lesson. there's no reason for it. i didn't do anything wrong. i believed someone that i had no reason not to trust. and it affected me.

i don't even know what happened. i do know that i deserve to be treated a certain way. even if i am overreacting. even if i am being overemotional. even if i am just wrong.

the truth is, i shouldn't feel anything for them. but i still do. i still love them very, very much. and i still believe the things they told me.

but i shouldn't. because i believe that if you tell someone that they hurt you and they don't even acknowledge that, then they don't feel anything for you. you're not even worth getting angry at. you're not even worth expending the energy it would take to tell them to fuck off.

and THAT is devastating.

there is a part of me that wants to say 'why am i not good enough for you? tell me what you want me to be and i'll be it. just stop ignoring me. please. just say SOMETHING. i don't care what it is. just acknowledge me in some way.'

but...fuck that. i hate myself for even thinking those things. i think i say it here, so i don't say it to them. i have to get those feelings out. because i'm not that person (at least not all the time). there are so many wonderful things about me.

and i want to know why. why this one? i get approached all the time. people tell me i'm pretty. people tell me all kinds of things that are great. but why? why am i hung up on the one person who can't or won't give me those things?

and i feel like i can't trust my own judgment anymore. i fully trusted someone that probably lied to me. i say probably because i don't know. how can i trust someone else? i'm tired of feeling stupid. because i do feel really foolish at this point.

and yet...still i love. at the end of the day, after all of my doubts i do not feel that i misjudged them that severely. i'm just so afraid. and fear makes me act really, really poorly.

wow. i AM super lame. i'm going to go try to assuage my lameness with material possessions. as in clothes shopping. it hasn't worked so far, but if at first you don't succeed....

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

on a clear day you can see tomorrow

but i can't see anything at all. literally.

my glasses broke this weekend. and they are past the state of repair. but...i needed new ones anyway. i've had those for three years. i bought them with the money i made working at the thai joint during memphis in may. i remember that i was so happy because i made just enough to cover the exam and the glasses. and a large smoothie. it took me two full days of work. (roughly 20 hours).

i found out three things today...

first. having insurance is WONDERFUL. i can get my eye exam for only $20. AND i can get $30 off my glasses. totally affordable. i can get the recommended yearly exam now. which is great, because...

second. my eyes are fucked up. i have an astigmatism. it's especially bad in my left eye.


did you know that nowadays you don't have to get your eyes dilated?!? they just take a picture of your eye with a computer. and then you get to look at it with your doctor. it is awesome. i just wish you got to take it home with you...i want to put it on my fridge. or the wall.

and finally a point of clarification...

upon rereading my blogs, i feel that my overemphasis on my feelings for the other might be misleading. it sort of makes it seem like i am pining away. which isn't exactly accurate. at all.

i go out. with people. i do things. but i just can't shake these feelings.

i just wish that either things were different or that i could have less feelings. i don't know if it is normal or not to have feelings that last this long. i don't know why i can't just not feel anything. but i'm not ashamed that i feel them. at least i feel something. and..i am who i am.

and i miss them so much.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

day of the dead

dia de los muertos.

my most favorite day of the year.

i finally know what i want for my funeral. i want a dia de los muertos celebration. with a huge altar and as many candles as possible.

today is the day of the altar. altars altars everywhere. and candles. and food.

but it's not sad. it's a celebration.

i want that after i'm gone. every year for someone to make an altar to me. a beautiful, colorful altar. with the most beautiful pictures of me. and candles with the blessed virgin. and skeleton statues of the blessed virgin.

and some cigarettes. some liquor. and food. i want some bread of the dead. and tamales. and incense.
i want the most beautiful altar ever.

it also made me think about being alive.

my last blog was hate, hate, hate.

i should clarify that. i don't hate that i believed in someone. i'm just really hurt. because...i miss them. i actually care about them very much.

and i want them to miss me. i just wish we could talk. they were super, super important to me. but i'm not to them. or maybe i am. i have no idea.i want to be important to them.

life is just so short. and i'm afraid that they are gone forever. and that makes me very sad.

but not so sad that it ruined my dia de los muertos.
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