Sunday, October 31, 2010

...and back to me.

fuck the middle. seriously.

if i have to read one more thing about this jon stewart rally i am going to scream.

wake. the. fuck. up.

are you happy with the status quo? if you are, then keep on extolling the virtues of the poor underrepresented middle. keep sweeping important issues like women's reproductive freedom, gay rights, immigrant rights, or the shockingly uneven distribution of wealth in this country under the rug. and by all means, keep on rallying. because catering to the middle WILL ONLY perpetuate the way things are. it will not now, nor will it ever, usher in the way things could be. the way things should be.
because i'm not happy with the way things are. i will not cling to the middle out of fear that things could go farther to the right. that's what THEY want. some things are non-negotiable. and if some people get alienated then too fucking bad.

yes. i am in hater mode today. and more than anything...i hate that everyday i wake up hoping that i will hear from someone that i miss terribly. i hate that i miss them. i hate that i let them into my life. i hate that i am so incredibly blind when it comes to people and their intentions. i hate that i can't trust and that when i do it is wrong. i hate that i gave them the benefit of the doubt. i hate that i believed them. i hate that i meant so little to them that they can't even tell me to just get out of their life. i hate that i'm not even worth a conversation to them. i hate that i was so easy for them to let go of. i hate that even thinking about them makes me start crying out of sadness. and mostly i hate the fact that i can't hate them. i hate that i can't even be angry at them.

i hate that despite everything that has happened to me in my life, i still cling to this beautiful george harrison type love ideal. the way i felt about them. the way i thought they felt about me.

see? i told you i would bring it back to me.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

the revolution will not be televised

or did you forget?

i am writing this on the day of the john stewart rally, which i mentioned briefly in my last entry. at the risk of pulling the race card, this is some white people bullshit. and i am white. actually. to be more precise it is some upper middle-class, (white) liberal bullshit.

i like jon stewart. his show is hilarious. i appreciate the sentiment. but to these people who are out gathering on the mall declaring your actions to be "the most American thing [you've] ever done" and that you're "so glad to be part of something" (see washington post), the fucking joke is on you. literally.

in one sense you're entirely correct in the assertion that this is THE most american thing ever. the pretense of social action. the total co-option of meaningful action. politicians couldn't be happier. as long as people are devoting their resources to watching the roots and listening to tv personalities, they aren't actively challenging the radical right.

those tea party assholes are completely frightening, completely insane, and completely wrong about, well, everything. but at least they are genuine in their attempt to engage in civil action (at least until the glen beck co-option). they are organized locally and they give their time and energy and money on a daily basis. i fear i cannot say the same for the people gathered today.

as i write this, i am reminded of something that noted comparativist robert bates said in an interview, which is that if he could teach people one thing it's that material wealth matters. when asked who says that material doesn't matter, he answered "rich white kids."

just think about how much money/time/other resources people spent on going to this 'rally.' what could we have done with those resources to affect genuine change in this country? in france, protests have turned disruptive and even violent over a raising the age of retirement two years. in contrast, many americans consider gathering on a lawn to watch the roots step and fetch it (that's right. i fucking went there...say i'm wrong...) to be this highly politicized and deeply significant act.

something is dead wrong with this picture.

Friday, October 29, 2010

revolution is no tea party

this is what we learned in my sociology seminar yesterday.

i already knew this. i have gone back and forth with the idea of violent revolution. it's very hard to advocate for this, at least in the current socio-academic climate. no one wants to be the one that endorses terrorist activity. it's...frowned upon.

but, when push comes to shove (perhaps quite literally), it might be the only viable option. in order to change the institution, you have to destroy the institution. the form this destruction takes is up for debate. i, along with most of the so-called revolutionaries (of which i would not designate myself) operating in western-liberal societies, do not have the stomach for this type of revolution. that's why you can get white people to participate en masse in bullshit like jon stewart's 'rally to restore sanity' or whatever the fuck it's called. that shit is RIDICULOUS. if you can't see why, then i'm not even going to bother.

this, however, is not why i'm writing this. i'm writing this because a funny thing happened on the way to the revolution...

i ordered two books from ebay this morning, written by urlike meinhof and the red army faction. i realize that this probably places me on some sort of watch list. and that writing about here raises these chances from "probably" to "absolutely." but while violence freaks me out, i've never been one to let the man keep me down. and the man stays the man by keeping people afraid of knowledge and the narratives of the other. believe that shit.

so i bid on these books. when i received my confirmation email, ebay kindly showed me other items in which i might have interest. know what THE item was? none other that 'eat, pray, love'.


get fucking real. if the raf were functioning today, i can almost assure you that they would not support the commodification/commercialization of enlightenment as represented in this abysmal contribution to the pathetic genre of chic lit. in fact, i'm quite certain that if they reacted to it, at all, it would be in the violent destruction of any venue that showed the movie version.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

i forgot more than you'll ever know

i'm no good at goodbyes. i'm no good at letting things go. i'm also no good at statistics or spacial modeling.

but that's besides the point.

i have spoken previously about cutting someone out of my life. still holding to that. they have to atone. or perhaps 'atone' is too severe...but they MUST make amends. they must treat me like i matter to them.

but..despite all of my efforts to the contrary, i miss them a great deal. more than i can even say. i finally know what it is to truly regret something. i 've never really felt that. good or bad, choices are choices.

but if i could take back the last year of my life i would do it in a second. if it meant that we could be the way we were. if it meant we could talk.

but enough about that. i am trying to not even give them the space here. because, as of right now, they don't deserve it.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

so much drama in the l.b.c.

last night, my continued avoidance of work took me all the way out to long beach. it was well worth the trip. i went to a zombie pub crawl. it was a very revealing night.

the first revelation was that zombie is my new go to costume. the make-up is easy to do (although very greasy). and you can put any kind of variation on your attire that you want. for example, i was a disco zombie. 123654 was a zombie girl scout. zombies can be anything. and that's super convenient.

the second thing wasn't so much a revelation, as just weirdness.

we were at this one bar. and i was talking to this guy, whom i know through mutual friends. at which point this other guy interrupts to tell me...that i have a really great rack. the guy who told me this was gay (i think/hope), so that made it slightly less creepy. but then he started telling the guy i was talking to that he should totally feel them.

for a second i didn't know what was going to happen.

i don't really now the guy i was talking to very well. i've only talked to him a couple of times at random parties. but he seems like a really nice guy. totally legit. smart...has a good job...etc. and i don't like being objectified in front of guys like that.

the point is that things could have gotten really awkward, really quickly. like even more awkward than they were.

but the guy i was talking to was totally cool about it. he didn't just grab me. and he didn't even ask if he could. even though the guy that pointed out my great rack insisted that the guy i was talking to feel them. for like 10 minutes.

now that's a horse of a different color.

then he started asking us all of these questions. like why we weren't together. it could have been very weird. but...

it wasn't. the guy i was talking to was actually very cool about the whole thing. he managed to not objectify me, without making it seem like i was undesirable or something.

i totally respect people who can maneuver through tricky situations in a graceful fashion.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

forever the object

the full moon is fast approaching. which explains SO much. my rapid cycling emotions. my impatience with everyone and everything.

my crazy ex-boyfriend sweating me.

we broke up almost three and half years ago. after almost three years of dating. we were long distance and i called him one day and he told me that he didn't love me. he never had. he was tired of living a lie. he also said that we wanted different things. that i wanted to settle down and he didn't. the truth was he just didn't want to do that with me. he was totally able to do that with someone else.

he is also totally able to let me know that he still misses sleeping with me.

the truth is, i feel nothing for him. he is gone from my life. but...he keeps coming back. why? who the fuck even knows.

it was, in a way a compliment. but in another way, it really hurt. of all the things about our relationship...that is what he remembers. not how much i loved him. not the nice things i did for him. all he remembers is my body.

he would sleep with me 'no strings attached'. in a second. but i'm not good enough for him to date. or be with.

i should have told him to go fuck himself. but i didn't. because it is nice to feel wanted. it's just that's the only way anyone ever wants me. or at least the only way that ever gets expressed to me.

you know the other that i am always going on about? the thing is...i really, truly thought that it was different with them. and i am slowly beginning to think that it wasn't. and that is extremely discouraging to me. heartbreaking, actually.

i'll just have too try not to think about it.

what say you valles...

the revolution will not be televised...

there will be $12 cocktails and a $16 burger (which is made with sirloin, by the way) and celebrities such as candace bushnell will be there. if you even consider her to be a celebrity. i mean sure, she created 'sex and the city', but she also created 'lipstick jungle'. and that show was trifling. to say the least.

as much as i appreciate the kitschy/ironic communist references in the logo, somehow i'm thinking that latest incarnation of 'the paris commune' is NOT what the communards of 1871 had in mind.

the simple visual provided should clarify this.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

talk to me like someone you love revisited

the hormonal mindfuck of pms has me dwelling on feelings this morning. i might have been doing this anyway, but in this case i have an excuse other than 'i'm just emotionally imbalanced'. so i'm gonna to use it. pms it is, then.

and it is pouring rain here. for like the third day in a row. so already, i woke up and wasn't in the best of states. if i wanted to see rain, i could have stayed on the goddamned east coast. for real.

and then i read my horoscope and apparently the past figures prominently into my state of mind.

this whole body image thing is really a sticking point for me. and i'm so sensitive about it that i couldn't even talk about it with my analyst. because i didn't want him to see me that way. he is someone i respect intellectually and i don't want to draw any attention to my body at all in that environment.

i realize that i bring that burden into every romantic relationship. i inwardly cringe when persons in that context compliment my body. because i'm so scared that is all they see. no matter who they are, no matter what they do, i am always secretly thinking that the only reason they are talking to me is because i have a certain body type. and as the charm of that wears off, so do their feelings. and i become not worth the trouble.

i have to get to such a high level of trust before i am able to let people talk to me about my body and not be uncomfortable.

this ties directly into the idea of talking to me like i'm someone you love. or rather, i wanted a very specific other to talk to me like i was someone that they loved. not as someone who just filled some fantasy rooted in the marilyn archetype. i wanted them to do more than just objectify me. i wanted them to take me seriously.

i had that trust with them. it took literally years to build. and now...i don't know for sure, maybe i never will, but i don't feel like like what i had with them was ever real. the only one taking it seriously was me.

i feel ridiculous. how could i have been so stupid? i should have known better. i'm usually so careful. but the thing is, i'm also usually never wrong about people.

when i say i wanted them to talk to me like i am someone they loved, i mean that i wanted them to say i mattered. that their life was better with me in it than with me not in it. that they miss me.

because i miss them so very much. and it's not too late. i'm not that kind of person. but i can't keep putting my feelings out there like that. they have to give too. and until they do, i can't have anything to do with them.

i took their picture down. i blocked any social networking phenomenon that would inadvertently pop up their picture.

it's not because i hate them. it's because it makes me too sad to see them. because after everything, the only thing i feel is love.

i don't know why. is it because i really love them, or because i really hate failing at something i really tried at?

the psychic asked me, "what is it about them, mija? are they really good looking? they have a lot of money?"

neither. i mean to me they are beautiful. but definitely not rich.

i just felt like they understood and believed in me. in a way that no one else really ever has. that they saw past the outer and saw, instead, my beautiful heart.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

totally bringing it back

i reported a few months ago that i had developed a fondness for vintage lingerie.

i don't care if i do look pointy...i'm bringing this look back. it makes me look much smaller in the bust, and therefore more svelt all around. the silhouette is very high and this elongates the torso. making me look longer. makes for a much easier fit into vintage dresses.

i could give a fuck what people think. i like the look an THAT is what matters. however, it is always nice to have confirmation on one's forward thinking.

yesterday i was at the beverly center and i saw that the new guess ads feature models in vintage shaped bras. i couldn't find the exact picture, but i have included the above photo as an illustrative example.

and in case you ever wondered what the beverly center is wasn't the worst experience of my life, but...let's just say that if you ever want to feel too short, too fat, too unbeautiful, or too poor then this is your place. most of the girls walking around looked like models. i would say the mean size was a 1-2. and they were all like 6ft tall. the only reason i even went was to get some cosmetics that ended up not being available there.

then i mixed up what side of 3rd i was on. that's how i ended up in beverly hills. 90210.

on a semi-related note, i finally had the body image issue with my analyst. i could barely even talk about it. i'm so ashamed of my body. even though i think it is super beautiful. it IS super beautiful. fact.

but i still have a lot of shame there. i don't want to be an object anymore. not to another person. not ever again. but i can't control other people.

and so i'm at am impasse. a really stylish impasse, but an impasse just the same.

bad lighting

LA in the rain and gloom is the saddest thing i've ever seen. it's like when you stay at the bar past last call and and closing time comes and the lights come on. and you see everyone how they really look, with harsh overhead lighting illuminating every flaw. that's what it's like.

somehow...the blinding sun and the never ending blue skies that normally accompany LA manage to hide all of that.

i understand, LA. i look better in soft lighting too.

i got lost in beverly hills. now that area looks good no matter what the lighting.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

handsome, dubious eggs

i should begin by saying that i should not have started the day thinking of marilyn. it made me too sad.

emotion took over and i spent half the day in bed crying. if i think about the sadness of others, i get really down. i start to imagine what they felt.

example...i had to leave lecture the other day. we were watching 'the fog of war'. and then came the part about fire bombing tokyo during world war two. i had to leave the room. i couldn't bear to think about all the people being burned to death. like when i read about the armenian genocide and how the turks burned the armenians to death and drowned them in the river. i can't read about the holocaust.

that's how sensitive i am. it is a gift. but also, a terrible burden. that's what i was trying to say in the earlier blog. i feel my way through life. i get hurt a lot. but...i feel the good things so much more too. i feel everything.

so i lay in bed, trying to figure out what exactly i am so unhappy about. yes. i got hurt. but this isn't just about someone else. not at all. as far as that goes, i just have to try to show them the kindness that i wish people had shown me. because, at the end of the day, i only want them to be happy. and i can understand how that wouldn't be with me.

i do realize that when i told them that i couldn't be friends with them, unless they could treat me the way i deserve that i really, really wanted them to say 'please, don't go. i want you in my life. you matter to me.' but they didn't.

i miss them because...with them i felt as i did years ago. not so burdened. not afraid or anxious. just myself. but like a really good version of me.

but this isn't just about someone else. it would be ridiculous to pretend that it is. i don't know where the sadness comes from.

i forced myself to leave the house. but only so that i could go to the antique store. i bought a great chair. it was on sale. very mod.

this is how i do lately. buying my happiness $50 at a time. but my house is coming along. i finished cleaning out my room. i washed every mirror and every framed picture. now only the kitchen is left.

i am back in bed....hopefully to read more about democracy. but at this point i can feel a migraine coming on from somewhere in the distance. so i lit the candles in front of my lady fatima statue and hope for serenity to find me.

i am trying to take happiness from the simple things, so i am very pleased to report that for the first time ever i successfully poached the perfect egg. two eggs, actually. and by this i mean i REALLY poached them. without the silicon cups. the cups make it easier, but you don't get delicate consistency. something gets lost. i have tried and failed so many times at poaching. but not today.

i also had a really good night out last night, with people i really like. so there is that.

the only truth that sticks

everyone who took an english class in high school remembers having to suffer through one god awful arthur miller play or another.

if his boring, utterly bland depictions of failure in america weren't enough to leave you with a lifelong distaste for his work, the latest news story re: miller should be enough to leave you with a distaste for him as a human being.

probably the most interesting thing he ever did was marry marilyn monroe. however, apparently being married to the most desired woman in the universe was not enough for this sad bastard. in his diary circa 1956, he describes being, get this, "disappointed" in his wife and...that at times he felt embarrassed of her in front of his friends. now, if you're thinking to yourself, "wow. arthur miller was a fucking asshole", then you'd be thinking right.

according to the story, marilyn was absolutely devastated when she read this. who wouldn't be? to find that the person you trusted most in the world was secretly ashamed of you? and for what? because of an identity that was forced on you because of your body? because of the very thing that drew you to her in the first place? it's so unfair. and it had a price.

miller describes marilyn as having "the vitality of a force one does not understand but seems on the verge of lighting up a vast surrounding plain of darkness." and based upon this, i am pretty sure i understand what happened. it's happened to me too. people are attracted to the passion, to the energy. but then they find out that it isn't like that all the time. there are positive and negative aspects to that energy. that is the burden of intense feeling.

i'm not nearly as bad off as poor marilyn, but i can empathize with how she must have felt. nothing, and i mean nothing, feels worse than when someone you love is disappointed in you for being who you are. when you let them see who you are and it isn't good enough for them.

it was arthur miller that wrote that a suicide kills two people. well arthur, it in fact mostly kills one person. the dead one. so let me end by saying this to you...

you know what was a disappointment? death of a salesman. it was quite possibly the most boring play ever written. you know what was an embarrassment? the crucible. the salem which trial as a metaphor for the HUAC. wow. how fucking creative.

you're no tennesee williams, that's for fucking sure.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

saturday, it's saturday-ay (is the word, is the word, is the word)

things to do today...

i won't waste your time with my revelation(s). i try to keep my life as consistent as possible.

on saturdays i sleep in. at least until 8. i go to the coffee bean. i do work. today, this means i will read about elections. which bore me to tears. in fact, the whole idea of "democracy" is super boring. which makes me a poor match for the discipline of political science, i realize. i also realize that fate dealt me into a world where i get the luxury of taking democracy for granted. that's not my fault. i could feel guilty about that, but it is what it is.

this morning i will go to the farmers market, where i will buy oil for my skin and some hummus with black beans and harissa. possibly some fruit. it is pomegranate season. but really i just want the first two things.

then comes the really good part of my saturday. the part where i go to the chaat shop. there i will buy 1/2lb spicy cashews and....1/2lb of jalebi!!!! my favorite part of the week. even though jalebi are so sweet that they make me feel sick, they taste SO good. i just love them.

i'm also going to get a massage. they have weekend specials. last week there was no one there. i think this is because from the outside it looks like a rub and tug. but it totally isn't. i went there last week and it was amazing how much i carry around in my muscles. emotional pain. stress. and who knows what else. after last week i felt...lighter. it was amazing.

no, i am not rich. but i have to start thinking about my well being. and this is one way i can do that.

Friday, October 15, 2010

i'm good, i'm gone.

i'm hurting.

and i can't make it stop.

in an attempt to alleviate my emotional discomfort, i have been indulging myself. within the cozy confines of the capitalist word economy.

in other words, i've been buying whatever thing i feel will translate into even 10 seconds of happiness. clothes, mostly. i realized today when i was buying an a la mid-1990's trapeze dress that i have truly reached a good place with my body. if i can buy non-tailored items, without feeling like a walrus, then i am good. to be honest, i love my body right now. the stress of teaching game theory to 18 year old's has taken those pesky five pounds RIGHT OFF. it's amazing. every rib is visible and accounted for.

judge all you want. i made the choice a long time ago between being healthy and being thin.

i joking (sort of). i'm not cocaine/refugee thin, or anything like that. i look quite healthy. i am perfectly hour glass shaped. so much so that today i had a disappointing incident at ann taylor. i wear a size four at this shop, as i do with most designer labels. they had this beautiful dress on sale that i have been wanting for like a month. it fit perfectly. except in the hip/thigh area. my body is obscene.

and i continue to try to make my house a place where i want to be. a place that attracts love, as opposed to repelling it.

my (faux)gold plated, feng shui mandarin ducks came. i put them next to the lady fatima.

i have made my bed every day, as advised by the feng shui experts.

i went to the plant nursery today. i bought two succulents. and a violet.

but...nothing fills. i have never met an emotional obstacle that i couldn't overcome with purchasing power.

until now.

don't get me wrong, i am not sitting around crying all the time. but i miss someone very, very much. and all the things in the world cannot replace them. even though, yes, i cut them out. but at the same time, i left the door open to them. but they have to want to come back.

i want to beg...PLEASE, PLEASE...come back.

but i refuse to do that. it isn't fair to them or to me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

the game of love

the game of love is best captured by an extensive form game of uncertainty. behold the game tree...

isn't it magical? ok, the formatting got a little dicked up in the translation. if you're still confused, don't be i'll talk you through it. confronting the other in the romantic context, fate has selected me into either a world in which the other is honest (p) or a world in which the other is dishonest (p-1). the problem is i don't know which world i'm in.

there are two players. the first player is myself and the second player is the other. i have two strategies: to believe the other or to not believe the other. the other has two strategies: to follow through or to be a total fucking asshole (ie: not follow through).

based on the payoffs, the subgame perfect equilibrium is {believe, don't believe; follow through, be a total fucking asshole}. the best path is in the honest world, the world in which i believe and the other follows through.

sadly, there is no way of knowing. i'm not going to solve for p. i've been doing that all day. essentially, you would calculate the expected utility for believing and not believing, based on the probability of being thrown into either world. if EU(believing)>EU(not believing), then you trust. is like a nuclear weapon. if you guess wrong and the person you trusted acts like a total fucking asshole, you're obliterated.

game theory is fucking useless.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

you may not bring me flowers...

but that's ok.

because nina dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.

i have spent the day cleaning out the old things to make room for the new. i went to a psychic yesterday. she told me i needed new energy. to bring new things. she told me a lot of useful things.

she told me that i am the person that people fall in love with. because of my beautiful heart. i can read cards too, so i could see that she was telling the truth. but right now, i need to take back my energy and be strong again. then i can deal with this other thing. and on that note...she told me, and i quote..."oh...don't worry. take your time and do what you need to do. that fool's not going NOWHERE." in other words, they'll be back.

but that's not what i need to worry about right now. what i need to worry about is myself. she also told me i was very picky. which is also true. but, there are other people coming into my life.

i have to make room for love. i looked up how to bring love into your life. you have to make your home somewhere people would want to be. you have to make it somewhere that you want to be.

i'm not going to wait for someone to bring me flowers. i went out and bought them for myself.

i bought a table today. a wooden table from the 60's. painted blue. cleaned out my room. got rid of everything i didn't need. clutter blocks love. i moved my bed so that neither side was against the wall. that's stifling.

i put my lady fatima statue on it. surrounded by flowers and candles. by my bed.

i also bought some shelves from the 70's. brass with yellow ceramic-ish bottoms. and put those in the living room. with more vases of flowers and and orchid plant.

so...we'll see. if nothing else, i feel better.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

talk to me like i'm someone you love

that's what i wanted. this whole time.

i was dicking around on the internets (as opposed to reading about vote counting or making votes count or whatever thing i'm supposed to be learning), and i ran across this new book the name of which i took for my blog title today. it's about, you guessed it, relationships.

i had to cut someone out of my life this week. i've never done that before. i've never said 'i can't be your friend'. not to anyone. i have so many issues of my own that i've wished people would be understanding of that i just can never do that to another human being. not someone that i loved.

now...before i paint an overly altruist picture of myself i should say that i don't really like people. i have extensive trust issues. so it's not like i approach people with this totally open heart. or i'm even especially nice.

but i am fucking honest. i keep it 100. all day, everyday. so, perhaps somewhat foolishly, i expect that from other people. it's the only expectation i really have. everything else is, to some extent, negotiable.

i didn't want to cut this person out. i hate making emotion contingent on reciprocity. but...when it becomes a matter of respect (or disrespect, as the case may be), then you have to do what has to be done. i don't want it to be this way. i said that too. i am trying to keep in mind that this is on them.

i will say much as it hurts that even though it feels like i meant nothing to them, given that i have heard nothing from them even though i expressed how much they are hurting me, it hurts less than continually putting your feelings out there and getting half-assed, bullshit responses.

i wanted them to talk to me like i was someone they loved. because they said they loved me. i looked at this book thinking maybe it could help me understand, but it was contingent on there being communication going both ways. so the book couldn't help.

but the title pretty much sums it up.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

new dawn

yes. i just wanted to use a twilight reference. yes. i know that makes me...something that's the opposite of cool. and not in an ironic way.

but overrated.

today is a new day. for the past six months i have tried my hardest with someone that meant a great deal to me. i was understanding. i was patient. i was considerate of their feelings and their situation.

but that day is over.

at some point, no matter what your circumstances, you have to have reciprocity. and now is that time. reciprocate or there is no you and me.

tb told me along time ago that sometimes you have to take a black marker and cross people out of your book of life. that's what i did. sort of. i gave them a choice. but i can't continue to give. and they have to treat me a certain way.

i realized that friendship is not one sided. neither is love. at some point, it is up to the other person to give a little. regardless of their situation. because if you love someone, that is what you do. even if it is hard.

123654 has been the best friend anyone could have. yesterday, her boyfriend brought her a plum. and i was like 'oh! that looks good'. and she said 'i want you to have it. you know why? because i love you. and when you love someone, if you have something that can make them happy, you give it to them.'

she has also told me everyday that she loves me. all day. every time i see her. and she said she would keep telling me that until i felt better.

that is love. not just telling someone, but meaning it. giving them your fruit.

i will add that this new assertion of what i deserve isn't an instant fix. my heart is totally broken. and it hurts. but i hear that gets better with time.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

piece of my heart

i'm like a broken fucking record these days.

i have left so many pieces of my heart all over the place. but this past year has been the absolute worst. i've lost a huge chunk. and once it's gone, you can't get it back.

i needed that piece. it made me whole.

i believe that my heart is the best part of me. i have so much love. i also have a great ass and an extremely refined sense of aesthetic, but that is beyond the point.

my heart is beautiful. i can feel everything. i can feel things others can't. i don't show that part of myself to anyone.

well, hardly anyone. but i did. i thought they were different. i trusted them. more than anyone in the whole world.

and... i got really, really hurt. and that's all i can really say about it. i just have to wait for it to stop hurting.

people tell me that in time this will happen, but i don't know.

i know that i want this person to be happy. so i am just going to let them go. even thought the selfish part of me wants to yell at them. and point out all the ways i loved them and demand to know why they can't see that.

but when you love someone, when you really don't use guilt or bad feelings as a last ditch effort to get them to come back. it doesn't work.

but sometimes, it does make you feel better.

but i don't want that. that's how i know at least my feelings were real.

it's little consolation. let me tell you.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

eventual history

if you had told me a year ago the things i would have had to process in the interpersonal relationship area...

i would have laughed in your face.

things i once thought impossible because they were asking too much. things i once thought were on the list of impossible things that would never happen. all these things have happened.

i don't know how much more i can...process.

my emotional life is like a blues song...except about a person, rather than heroin. addiction would be preferable. i'll take dopesick over lovesick any day. dopesick i can fucking handle. lovesick is just...hurting.

it's this constant waiting. i lack the virtue of patience. i lack the comfort of knowing.

even my horoscope is mocking me....

Open your heart and your arms to someone you've missed. Forget whatever happened to split you apart in the first place. That was then. This is now.

my heart never closed. but how much can i forget? what can i forgive? there was nothing major, it's just a lot of small things that add up to a lot of personal pain.

at what point does it stop being understanding and start being just making excuses?

i trust this person. but i can't shake the feeling that i will come to regret that. i'm scared. i have no idea what will happen.

i also can't shake the feeling of love i have towards them. and that may be the problem, after all.

totally phoning it in

political science, i gave you all and now i'm nothing.

i feel like an academic sociopath. now, in the rest of my life, i have WAY too many feelings to be an actual sociopath. but when it comes to academia, i feel nothing. i have no interests. i have no motivation.

could be i'm just not a political scientist. could be the struggle has taken it out of me. i've worked myself to death the past three years. to better myself. to take proactive steps to assure my future. and then realize that the things that should have put you ahead, really didn't mean anything. i had to start over. i could have spent the two years prior to coming here at the bar drinking. and i would have gotten the same deal. i feel so defeated.

could be the realization that the pursuit of knowledge is like the biggest sham makes the continuation of this path meaningless.

it wasn't always like this. but at this point it is what it is.

but like dexter, i work very hard at academic normality. i am VERY good at faking it. i am the most prepared, the most engaged. the most participating person. but when it comes to my own work....i feel nothing.

i don't know who i am anymore. i just wish i could find something for me.
Google Analytics Alternative