Friday, April 30, 2010

this thing and that

sorry i left you all. i haven't really had that much to say. actually there are a lot of things, but i can't write them here. not by choice. i am compelled to respect the privacy of others. it sucks because i write in order to externalize, but now i'm just stuck with all of that stuff inside. and it is hurting me. a lot.

interpersonal interactions are bullshit.

i have a new follower. welcome to you. your bio made me cry (like everything else right now). mostly because i could have written it myself. i understand how you feel completely. that's actually why i started writing this blog. in case there are other people out there that feel like me. because i think there are. more than you think. or i think. we just live in a world where it isn't ok to be unhappy. or sad.

i'm really good at hiding it. because, in my experience, as soon as you let people see that part of you, they leave. it doesn't matter how different they seem. or how well they know you. or how much they say they care. they will leave. and don't think it makes me feel good to say it.

i have, for the past few years, become a fan of honesty. now i am a fan of just keep it to yourself. so far as relationships go. as far as myself. i am not advocating this for other people.

but enough about that.

in other news that only relates to me.

i have a healthy, happy cervix. so that is a relief. i had spent the last week in debilitating fear of getting lab results back. in the process, i found this site. it is AWESOME. at least, it made me feel better. gay male friends...don't even go there.

also, my computer died. i fell/dropped it as i tried to lay down on the bed. it hit the wall. screen cracked. goodbye, maurice.

but. i am even more in love with my new laptop. it was made for gamers. it is really big and really fast. a beast. and the keys have back lighting. i guess gamers sit in the dark a lot. it also has a webcam. hello, second income...

hopefully, i'll have more to say later.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


it will be warm enough to sit outside of starbucks, beside the bird of paradise plant. just like when i first came here.

right now there are no flowers on the plant. the birds froze to death during the winter. i'm not really sure why, because other birds on other bushes lived.

it's probably because people put their cigarettes out in the pot. which always made me really, really sad.

to reference the vatican's favorite band, it's been a long, cold, lonely winter. and i have emerged from it changed. and a bit colder than i was before. i can't seem to get warm. no matter what i do.

whenever i used to get cold, tb used to say that it was my icy cold heart. to be honest, my heart isn't that icy. it just has an icy shell. certain people are warm enough to get past it. and once it melts, there's just no freezing it again. at least, it takes a really long time.

right now. my heart is just one gooey, melty mess. and i don't know if this is preferable to frozen or not. time will tell on that one. i'm scared. and there's nothing i can do but wait it out. while my emotions run all over everything making a big sticky mess.

i hope the birds come back soon.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

plan b

i am gradually becoming more and more convinced that i might never reach my potential (if there is such a thing) in this place.

actually, i don't know what to think. i don't want to be hasty. i don't want to fuck my life up. at least, i don't want to feel like it is more fucked up than it already is. but...fuck. i'm so miserable here. i'm bored. i don't feel like doing anything. i'm sad all the time. i'm lonely.

work saved me before, but now it's killing me. one paper at a time. but the problem is...i just don't know what to do with myself. right now i feel like my life has been hijacked from me and that i have no options. but surely that isn't the case?

so i've been trying to come up a contingency plan. or plans, plural. because who doesn't like options?

1.) High Class Prostitute

i realize that this isn't a sustainable plan. and i may have to do it anyway even if i stay in school. just to be able to afford it. however, while i might look good enough to do this (i don't think i do, but other people have suggested it), there are two problems. one. i just can't make small talk. and i think this is an integral part of the job. this is mostly because i hate people. which is the second problem.

which brings me to the next two options...

2.) Medicinal Marijuana Cultivator

i love plants. especially pot plants. and i could really believe in what i was doing. but...i would live with the fear and stress of potentially going to prison. and i don't have a doing time kind of disposition. but more problematic than that is the fact that i'm a terrible gardener. i've killed every house plant that i've ever been in charge of. even cacti. i do feel however, that if our government would ever do the right thing and push forward full legalization, i would be the proprietess of the best coffee shop you've ever been in.

however, since this is not a feasible option (given the jail time involved) this brings me to option #3...

3.) Race Horse Masseuse

you heard me. i hate most people, but i love most horses. so there you go. i would even be willing to go through massage therapy school, which i realize involves touching people, so that i could do nothing but massage horses all day. i came to this conclusion as i was watching the races the other day.

sigh. i can dream, right? i suppose the best plan b i have right now id just trying to make my life better through little things. the perfectly constructed vintage cocktail dress. going to the farmers market on saturdays for hummus and blood oranges (which i plan to do from now on). losing the last ten pounds that stands in between me and perfection (although i keep not being able to commit to this because it's going to require a lot of self sacrifice on my part).

this is all.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

bringing it back

i move from one small obsession to the next. for an ocd person there is no greater pleasure. my mother should never have encouraged me to collect things as a child. it has only indulged my inner hoarder. although...i must point out that i am nowhere near what you see on tv (if you've watched 'hoarders').


my new thing is.....vintage lingerie.

as teen, getting used to buying bras was not the most enjoyable experience. i don't remember that much about it. other than i hated wearing bras. it was so hard to find one that fit. i didn't have a lot of guidance from my mother. which to be fair was most likely because i rejected any help from her in this area, rather than her purposeful abstinence. i do remember that sometimes i would forgo a bra all together (you can get away with this when you're like 16-17) and she would get really angry and give me a lecture re: obscenity. or something.

i think that this is really where my feeling of shame towards my started. she did the best she could though. i try not to be resentful.


i bought a bra from the antique store last week that looks roughly like the one above. it is the best bra i've ever bought. hands down.

it is comfortable. it makes me look smaller. i bounce in a healthy and unobjectionable way, but don't feel like i'm bouncing. it is super flattering.

it is pointy. not in the 30's 40's way. it's just a different shape than bras today. which is funny, because when i was younger i would do anything to avoid looking even a little bit pointy. but now, i just don't care.

and without clothes on?

fantastic. i have a lot of vintage cut underwear, as well. and if there's anything i know how to do, it's commit to a theme.

i am a walking fantasy. i've never really been convinced that straight men appreciate this. mostly because their fantasies are all super simple and do not take fabulousness into consideration. their loss.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

down so long

back to the blog of infinite sadness.

i can't go into why details. i'm just so incredibly sad. i was about to cry on the bus today. actually, a few tears did fall.

a total stranger asked if i was all right.

i am not.

and now i must go read about conflict. it isn't as exciting as you might think. and then i have to go to seminar and be on top of things. or at least provide the illusion of control. which gets harder everyday.

especially right now.

i was crying up until i left my apartment. i am painfully close to crying again right now.

i have really fucked my life up this time. and i have no one to blame but myself.
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