Sunday, January 31, 2010

statistics, you leave me no choice...

data and i are engaged in an epic battle of wills at this point. it's making me so incredibly unhappy. so unhappy, in fact, that i'm going to have to take drastic measures in order to recover my self-esteem, which is being eroded one variance covariance matrix at a time.

actually not so drastic. all it takes is a $4 bra. i think i have some kind of weird issues. on the one hand, i hate that people stare at my body and make comments all the time. but on the other hand, i always revert back to that when i feel bad about other things. probably because this is the most consistent validation i get from other people. the only one who doesn't care how good i look is data.


the hard thing is that in my sad state of mind, i tend to be more apt to focus on things i don't like about my body. like my stomach. or the fact that i have big thighs. i keep noticing all these things that i wish were different.

sigh. i wish i didn't need so much validation, although i guess i should be glad i can validate myself. that only goes so far though.

update... success. superficial validation achieved.

woe to me

i am lost in a blur of numbers. just lost. i can't see where their values are in my head.

i am also super nauseous. i came home last night and i was so nauseous that i couldn't even sit up. which kind of made it hard for me to look at STATA. but i couldn't just do nothing. or go to sleep. because there is way to much to do for that. it's horrible. i feel so bad right now. like physically bad.

it takes me forever to do simple things. and then i'm completely wrong about these simple things. it's so devastating

i hate my life. actually, i just hate doing things in general. not so much my life, in particular.

and i just threw up again. and i started crying at the coffee bean. numbers make me so sad. they hurt my feelings. a lot.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

this wrinkle in time can't give it no credit

a friend of mine wrote re: my facebook status. which was 'headache'. i know...i were probably all thinking that i was way too awesome to be obsessed with facebook. not so. it's really just a way for me to indulge my ocd tendencies. one more thing to incorporate into a carefully constructed routine that i have painstakingly contrived to create a sense of control over my life. of which i have none. not to switch musical references, but i am trying more and more to be skilled at getting down with the awkward moments. i have to have consistency. in the absence of that i cannot function. or...i can function, but i get really stressed.


when i saw this post, it reminded me how much i love frank black. the pixies . reminds me of being young(er). i had this old volvo and this cassette of doolittle that meine prima freunde beth made me. we used to just drive around listening to that tape and getting into mischief of one kind. and another. i'm surprised i even finished high school. although, perhaps not as surprised as everyone else, especially my teachers and parents.

now i can' stop listening to frank black. there is a special place in my psyche for you, frank black. you're so ahead of the now.

my heart...
is cast.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

goodbye jd salinger....

so truthfully i had forgotten that you were still alive, but i think that's how you preferred it.

thank you for teaching me the phrase 'give her the time'. i would have loved to give you the time.

'catcher in the rye' made me feel justified in hating adults. 'nine stories' made me cry. thank you.

the $4 bra

so one of the downsides to my life right now is that i'm broke. and not a little bit broke, but super fucking broke. yes, i could make adjustments like eliminating starbucks from my life. but i need constants. i would say that in a lot of ways my life can be reduced to the search for constants. the search for one sure thing.

on this note, the more i am forced to learn statistics the more i can see why people cling to it. if you just follow specific processes, then this means that always. ALWAYS. you establish parameters and that is fucking that. people sometimes quibble over details pertaining to how these parameters are arrived at or how they are interpreted, but you still are left with what is more or less a sure thing. what people don't like to talk about re: statistics is that at the end of it all, these parameters are imagined. you establish them yourself based on an estimation of reality. but it's no worse than any other way people construct their reality. and it provides certainty that your particular abstraction is appropriate. so i definitely get it.

how does it always come back to numbers? the point was...i'm broke. one constant in my life has been my ability to provide for myself. since i was twenty. a decade of self-sufficiency. and i have always been good at it. i've always had enough money to buy what i wanted.

not so much now.

they tell you that the harder you work, the more you get. that what you have is a positive linear function of how hard you work, or even how you progress professionally.


the farther i get, the broker i get. and i hate it. because it means that i can only afford the bare minimum. not so much for the people i go to school with. while these people are planning trips to europe and pondering 'what will i do all summer? i just don't know...', i am sitting here wondering (in only a half-joking way) if the hustler club would hire me as a bartender. i have to maximize and capitalize. and i think i could make money there.

which sort of transitions nicely into what i was originally intending to write about. one thing i miss a lot is being able to buy nice underwear and lingerie. but then i found this place that has bras for like $4. which i was really skeptical of. but they were only $4. and this store markets to really whorish girls in their early twenties so the bras make you look really great. like a really cheap super wonderbra. and they're comfortable. having always paid way too much for lingerie, i was astounded.

so i now i can indulge my lingerie fetish which primarily involves me putting on lingerie and examining my body from every angle in the mirror, while thinking about what a shame it is that i'm the only one that gets to look at my body which isn't perfect (i want a flat stomach, but refuse to do sit ups), but pretty outta sight just the same.

oh happy day!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

update: eating my heart out

so after...eating little over half a box of chocolates.... and taking at least one bite out of all the remaining chocolates....the only thing i feel is...nauseous.

too many chocolates, like too many emotions, only leave me sick and woozy and not wanting to do anything.

AND anyone that wants to send me money for valentine's day should feel more than welcome to do so, even if you aren't related to or don't actually know me...

eating my heart out

so i have the worst cramps. for like two days now. and to address this matter, i am as we speak eating my way through one of those heart shaped boxes of valentine's day candy. i'm supposed to be writing about sovereignty. know how it is.

i absolutely hate valentine's day. probably because i've never actually gotten anything on that day from anyone other than my mother and my sisters. actually i've been single on pretty much every valentine's day.

for the two years that i was in a couple, i was dating this guy that felt valentine's day was a manifestation of rampant capitalism/consumerism and he couldn't in good conscious buy me anything because that would just be feeding into it. i get the idea, but...i like chocolate too. and it's the thought that counts. in fact, he didn't believe in presents of any sort. the only thing he ever gave me was a copy of ishmael. and he didn't believe in flowers either. i think he wasn't that into grand gestures, or gestures generally speaking. which isn't to say that he treated me bad or that we weren't happy, i just never got any presents. and i don't care that much about things...but just once it would be nice.

to be fair though, i did break up with a guy last year on the day before valentine's day and HE probably was going to get me something. but i had to do it. the thought of having to go out to dinner with him and accept whatever sentimental thing he had gotten me and the either sleep with him even though i didn't care anything about him OR make up some excuse why i couldn't was just too draining. so he had to go.

anyway...the point is i am halfway through this box. and it isn't spoiling the anticipation of the day by eating the candy now, because there isn't going to be any candy on the actual day. which i'm not really sad about at all. i do hope that maybe my mother will send me some money though....

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

three cheers for pandemic

you know what the great thing about the threat of pandemic is?

there's free hand sanitizer everywhere.

this is something i've just noticed today. i went to eat and there was free hand sanitizer at the counter by the register. i got coffee and there was free hand sanitizer. it's popping up everywhere these days.

in bathrooms. at the airport. in classrooms. in bureaucratic offices. you name it.

the only downside is that i have noticed that it tends to be the foam rather than the gel, which is what i prefer, but hey...germ free is germ free.

i realize that this glass full approach is atypical, especially on this blog, but change isn't always bad, right?

Monday, January 25, 2010

a (super) long day's journey into night

i was in class from 9am until 5pm today. except for a twenty minute break which i spent reading for the afternoon seminar. and one ten minute break. that i spent outside.

i have a migraine.

i have cramps.

my back hurts.

i have had three chocolate chip cookies. three oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. one venti latte. and one fortune cookie sans fortune.

the people in my international ethics class think i'm a terrorist sympathizer.

i am starving. i am also too tired to leave my apartment.

but i'm starving.

i have a ton of work left to do. but i am in a lot of pain. as i mentioned.

i am going to go get some food.

and then take a bath.

sometimes i wish i didn't have to come home to an empty apartment. this is one of those times. kind words, even 'how was your day?' (it was terrible), would be nice to hear.

a hug would be nice as well.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

water water everywhere

i'm at the coffee bean. trying (pretending) to do work. sadly i am privy to the lamest of conversations.

at the table next to me there is this middle aged couple. i say couple because there are two of them. i get the vibe that, once again, i am within earshot of an internet date. which, i admit, i should probably not mock given that i just filled out a profile on eharmony. but...i don't answer any of the offers. i just use them as sort of a proxy indicator of people's interest in me. this is all beside the point...

this guy is lecturing the woman about healthy drinking water. tap water bad here (we have the second worse in nation)....bottled water also evil....the right thing is blah blah blah....

and, because he clearly walks the walk, he has his special water bottle with him. it's sitting right next to the herbal iced tea he just ordered.

which i can guarantee is tap water based.

Friday, January 22, 2010

an outlier in a really bad sample population

i have more work than there are hours in the day.

but i'm also starting to think that i might have attention deficit disorder, because i'm always finding little things to do that take me away from my work at an interval of every twenty seconds. check email. read a paragraph. look at facebook. write two sentences. read gossips...omg, perez hilton, tmz. look up an article. look in the mirror. read a few abstracts. think about how perfect my body would be if i just lost ten more pounds. look something up on google scholar. go get coffee. read another paragraph. eat a paleta. try to grasp an abstract concept. feel bad for eating the paleta. jot down some notes. look in the mirror again. try to tell if i look noticeably fatter. write down a highly intellectual question. remind myself that i wear between a size 4-6. do some statistics. think about how great it would be to be a size 4...

you get the idea.

i also think about why no one ever asks me out. my friend andrea says it is because i am an outlier in a really bad sample population. so why not draw another sample? one based on a comprehensive compatibility test? the other night while i was killing time that i should be using to do at least ten other things, i filled out a profile on eharmony.

which i think is a low point.

i don't think i'll answer any of the requests, but i've been having fun reading the responses though. and, if these guys are telling the truth, they have really good jobs. which would be enormously helpful to me right now. of course, when the personality test asked me how important income was i put 'extremely'. or whatever the strongest response was.

but i really don't care about the money.

the real reason i don't want to meet these people is that as funny and interesting as some of them are, they just aren't...the person i want to be with. they don't make me feel the way i want to. and i just get really sad. it isn't fair.the only place i get asked out is on the internet and even out of thousands of people i can't find anyone that comes close to what i want.

i just feel so stuck right now. and the torrential rain isn't helping.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

what now, then...

lies? are not ok.

especially where money is concerned. i have, since moving to california, been really trying to keep my head up about finances. mostly based on assurances from persons whose job it is to let you know what is going on. but i am slowly learning that what i thought was the case in regards to certain things, is absolutely not the case.

i am trying to be optimistic. because there's really nothing i can do about it. i just have to keep on keeping on and hope for the best. but the more things i find out, the more i am really, truly scared. and it's putting me at a crossroads professionally.

i went to sleep last night crying. i woke up this morning crying. i can say that this is the most freaked out i've been in a really long time.

i don't want to have to give up on something that i've worked so hard for just because i can't afford it. i've earned this. and i don't, generally speaking, think that i am entitled to be happy. i know that i have done things in my personal life that might have permanently fucked up my karma. but not professionally.

basically, don't believe ANYONE, EVER, ABOUT ANYTHING...unless you get it in writing.

and no. right now... i am not ok.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

the saddest place in the whole world...

is southern california in the rain. this picture doesn't even really show it all that well. the palm trees just looked so depressed yesterday while it POURED rain.

which never happens here. ever. seriously. i lived here like two months before i even saw a cloud. and if it does "rain" it's usually like 9-10 raindrops and then that's it.

i woke up to my mother calling me at 7:30 this morning to find out if i was all right, given the storms.

and i am all right. actually. i have way more work than i could ever do. way more things to read than humanly possible. and...more things to think about than i care to discuss. and so many feelings.

honestly, i wish i didn't have to even think about feelings ever again. sometimes i wish i was the sociopath next door.

because then you just do whatever you want and even when people put judgment on you, you don't care. AT ALL.

it just kind of sucks for everyone around you. but still it would be nice to just not follow social convention and not care. instead of just constantly feeling guilty about this thing or that thing.

living under the gaze of the other is totally exhausting. i'm kind of over it. some things just are what they are. and there's nothing you can do about it.

but...i did wake up happy this morning.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

who invited mike tyson to the golden globes?

this has been a super weird day. first of all...i woke up and the sky was all cloudy, which right away was strange in and of itself. then it started raining. which it never does. not like pouring rain, but a steady drizzle.

but it gets worse than that.

driving home from LA today there had been some sort of horrible car accident in which someone was killed and we drove by just in time to see the body on the side of the road. luckily the coroner was already there and they had covered it up. but traffic was moving slowly enough that we were forced to look.

i don't really do well with that kind of stuff. and it seems that every time i turn around lately i'm confronted with death.

and then i start feeling guilty for being alive. guilty because i know there are things i want to do and i don't do them. guilty because i know that there are things i want to say but i don't say them.

guilty because i know that for every person that dies there is someone else left alive that would give anything they had just to spend five more minutes with them. and i feel that way about people that aren't even dead. and still i do nothing.

and then i start thinking about myself. actually, clearly, i am already thinking about myself. and i don't so much feel guilty about that because i think that it is natural to consider one's own situation when confronted with precarious nature of existence, that is to say the fact that you could literally die at any second. just like that.

it didn't really hit me until i came home to an empty apartment. and all i wanted was for someone to be here. then i got terribly, terribly sad. because i feel so alone. and i just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be all right. and there isn't anyone to do it.

and also...i don't want to die without knowing what it's like to have someone be in love with me. i already know what it's like to be in love with someone else, but i have no idea what it's like for someone to be in love with me back...or even at all.

but instead of let myself cry or even think about things, i just went to work. and went to reading the gossips. and all i could think about was...who the fuck invited mike tyson to the golden globes?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

do YOU like pina coladas?

i know i do. i had actually forgot how much until i had one tonight. they're just so sweet and delicious. what's not to like?

say we were hanging out and i made a pina colada. and you were all like 'wow that sounds delicious' and so i made you one. wither of my own volition or because you asked me to. because i am operating under the assumption that you will make me one next. a sucker's bet.

i'm not going to go into details on this one....even though i am dying to. let's just say that i learned last night, through conversation not first-hand experience, that to operate under the basic assumption of reciprocity as far as pina coladas, or is concerned is foolish.

let that be the lesson for the day.

Friday, January 15, 2010

oh my god, what is wrong with me?

stop. before you start filling up my comments page with the answer to that question, just hear me out.

i have routines. mostly they involve going to various coffee places that have free wireless and working from there. i prefer the coffee at this one place that shall remain nameless. AND they have really strong, free wireless. the outlet spacing is a problem.

today i was glad that there was a table next to the outlet. sometimes there isn't and i just have to make do. or sit at the bar. which i have done before. no big deal.

so i had just sat down to work when this guy comes up and just sits down at on the other side of my table and was all like 'care if i sit here' and i was all like 'ummm..' and he was all like 'the only outlet is here'. again i was like 'ummmm...'.

and now he's sitting there belching and heaving and sighing and his phone keeps ringing really loud.

i wanted to just say 'NO. you cannot sit with me.'

but some sense of etiquette prevented me. but now I can't work. and i'm also wondering why i hate people so much that i can't even share a table with one person in a coffee shop.

seriously. his very presence is so grating that i can't work. i just want to scream 'take your laptop and go look at internet porn or play your solitaire somewhere else!!! i'm trying to read!!!'

but, clearly i don't.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

a straight-forward exercise in differential calculus

this is the type of phrase the soulless bastard who wrote my basic econometrics text book is overly fond of employing. a couple of things...

first. yes that is the correct spelling of the word soulless. i know it looks weird, but i double checked it.

second. other phrases favored by this particular econometrics writer:

'making use of simple algebraic identities'

'it should be obvious at this point'

'we can easily obtain'

i highlighted the key adjectives in these statements to illustrate the author's fondness for emphasizing simplicity. i'm not sure if he is talking down to the reader (which is entirely possible), and is in essence saying that 'unless you suffer from a severe cognitive disability, you should understand this perfectly'.

or he might just trying to provide the illusion of security. like if you just keep telling someone that everything is fine and not to panic then they will believe you.

let me just say this about that. there is no such this as straight-forward differential calculus, unless you have taken and mastered calculus. it should be clear at this point that i have not. algebraic identities are not simple. not to me. and there is nothing obvious or easily obtained in this book.

and finally, no the above illustration is not one that i have to master. or maybe it is. they all look the same to me. fuck.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

please meet my new girlfriend...

i'm supposed to be reading right now. which i am doing. but theory is hard. and the harder i try to think about something, the easier it is for my mind to be distracted by...well...anything at all.

and right now that thing is megan fox.

in case you didn't know, because either you don't follow the gossips or you don't have the internet or you don't do work that hurts your head so much that you are susceptible to any distraction, megan fox is the new face of armani underwear.

it used to be posh spice, but thankfully armani realized that no one really wants to see that.

in my opinion, which it to be highly trusted in matters such as these, megan fox is clearly a premium choice for this type of campaign. i mean when you're trying to sell underwear, it's only logical that you would want people to think about sex.

and when you look at megan fox, can you really think of anything but? and this isn't even the best picture, it was just the only one i could find that was big enough to really enjoy on the blog.

if i were to date a girl (and don't think i haven't considered expanding my dating pool), it would be her.

although it would probably interfere with my work. i mean how can i concentrate on 'perpetual peace', which is what i'm supposed to be doing right now, with her in the room?

seriously. i guess it's a good thing that girls aren't my cup of tea.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

it's not me. it's you.

after going out this weekend and meeting quite possibly some of the most gameless guys on the face of the planet, who in case you were wondering ladies seem to congregate in manhattan beach, i have decided a few things.

first, i think psychic #1 was right. there's nothing wrong with me. a lot of guys like me, i just don't like them. a lot of this has to do with they way they express themselves towards me. presentation is everything, guys. you need to come correct. or not at all.

second, i'm actually okay with that. right now, i can see what i really want. i accept that i'm not going to be happy settling for less than that. i want to be spoken to a certain way. i want to be able to speak in a certain way. i expect a certain level of intelligence. and it might mean that i'm constantly looking for the replication of a certain way of feeling. a way of feeling that isn't practical. or convenient. or easy. because despite all these things, it still makes me feel good to have it.

you can't help what you feel. you can only help how you express it. which is what my blog is for.

but enough about that. a side note. first, i direct your attention to a new blog i've been reading. it's called 'untitled'. and i linked it for you. it kind of reminds me how my blog used to be, before i went on this relationship tangent. you should check it out,

Sunday, January 10, 2010

absolutely not. or...listen up guys part 3...

the answer to whatever question you were even thinking of asking me is...absolutely not.

so it seems i now have a trilogy of entries dealing with guys and their serious lack of game. i honestly thought that i had covered the main points. it seems i was sadly, sadly mistaken. so here we go AGAIN...

do i want to chat with you about your birthday and your mba and blah blah blah, WHILE the girl you came with is sitting at the table waiting for you to come back? absolutely not.

and i absolutely do not want to be lectured by you, a total stranger, about cigarettes when i was nice enough to share my one cigarette of the week with your friend. and when you asked to see my lighter and then threw it across the street i was absolutely not impressed.

and when i was stopped at a traffic light, it was absolutely not enticing when you had your cab driver suggest (and by suggest i mean yell) that i should get out of my friend's car and come with you and your two date rapist-disguised as surfer looking friends. and although the graphic sexual suggestion certainly sweetened the offer, i'm still going to have to go with absolutely not as my answer.

and i was supposed to be working on being more open to meeting people. now i just don't even want to leave my house.


i should note that there is hope. first, we went and saw the bartender from thanksgiving and he totally hooked us up. again. and then today i met the most delicious surfer. DELICIOUS. that is the only word for him.


Saturday, January 9, 2010

the day of the iguana

apparently, right now,the temperatures have dropped so low in florida that iguanas are falling from the trees. literally. the reason for this is that when the temperature drops, the iguanas go into hibernation mode and their bodies slow down so much that they just sort of go to sleep. and then the lose their grip on the branches, falling swiftly to the ground. people have been picking them up, thinking they were dead, and then getting a huge surprise when they are suddenly stuck with a garage (or car) full of living iguanas.

i fucking hate florida. but right now i wish i lived there, because i would be scooping up frozen iguanas left and right. i would set them up in my garage or spare room until the temperatures are more hospitable and then release them.

i hate to see things suffering. especially when it isn't their fault.

it's like when my mother used to take me to shop for house plants. i would always make her buy me the ones that were super discounted because they were about to die. the ones with no leaves. or brown leaves. or that were basically just a stem. because i knew that she could bring them back to life and that they would be beautiful.

i'm no good with plants. i kill even the most resilient of them.

i'm in between with people. i can feel other people's (and even iguana's) pain as if it was my own. and sometimes all i want to do is help them lose that pain. because i have it too. and i wish that someone would do that for me. i'm not saying i would do this for just anybody. i'm not that selfless. or even at all selfless.

i may be emotionally fucked up. but i would never leave you outside to freeze.

Friday, January 8, 2010

last night i didn't get to sleep at all

and so now i can't stay awake. actually i couldn't stay awake past like 8:00. so i fell asleep trying to read. but then i woke up at like 1:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. plus i was having all kinds of terrible dreams so i woke up all panicky.

i have bad dreams a lot. but i usually don't remember what they're about. i just wake up all freaked out. when tb and i were living together it was better. if i had a bad dream and i couldn't sleep, i would just go and get in bed with him. he always let me. sometimes all it takes is a warm body. i miss having that.

instead i had to try to lull myself back to sleep by reading an article about sovereignty and watching 'the l word'. speaking of which, season six is off the hook and watching it is making me wish even more than ever that i was a lesbian.

and speaking of that, everywhere i go today people are checking me out. including the hot girl working at the coffee shop this morning. she was totally feeling me. and people keep giving me the eye. so either i look really fucked up today and i just don't realize it or i look really good. that i look fucked up is my default explanation for why people look at me, which happens a lot.

i assume it's because i look bad due to the fact that people look at me, but no one ever actually asks me out. sometimes they talk to me, but when they do it's one of three things...

forty percent of the time it's to say something about my body. such as...well...use your imagination. this is usually done by someone driving past me in a car or super drunk guys at the bar. if i know you, it's fine. i like my body too and if i saw me i know i would want to touch me. but if i don't know, you then it's just sort of creepy and weird.

another thirty percent of the time it's to say something stupid about either what i do or politics in general. things such as "don't you think the UN is utopian in vision..." or "i was reading thomas friedman and he said..." or "so who's going to win the election...". get this. when i'm not at work, i'm not working. i hate politics and i don't watch the news. and also, i probably know more than you so you're just going to end up looking stupid. and we all know how guys love that.

the final thirty percent is taken up by guys that approach me to say something totally random and nonsensical. like the other day when this guy came up to me to say "i really like your shoes". and then practically ran away.

today, however, it could be my sexy bed hair that's getting me all the attention.

but still no one ever asks me out. just ask me. i might say yes. new rule in. i'm going to go out with the next person that asks me, provided that they don't give me really bad vibes.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

econometrics: the imitation of life

econometrics. sounds exotic and enticing, no?


is the answer to that question. they just have to call it that so that people will be curious enough to open a book about it. or so that people being forced to open a book about it are fooled for a second into thinking that they are about to journey into some exciting world of numbers instead of an endless abyss of uncertainty, frustration, and confusion.

and it's all predicated on constructing (emphasis on construction) of a model that in some way captures reality to the extent that you can then predict what would happen in the event that you choose to manipulate circumstances within that model. which is all well and good if you believe that you can accurately describe reality in this way. however, any picture of life, be it econometric or whatever, is going to be distorted in some sense by perception so...

perhaps i should start developing bayesian probability models for potential love interests to estimate the probability that they will return the sentiment given the presence or absence of certain factors. then i could potentially get closer to being able to take the necessary steps to bridge the gap between (my) self and the other. i could narrow my potential dating pool down to only those those that have high probabilities of not just rejecting me. and then, just maybe, i can feel more comfortable making the necessary feelings available to the other.

things like...

i like you. or... don't go. or... you make me happy. or... let's go out. or...

i don't know, any number of things that you're supposed to say to that other person so that they see how much you care about them and not just that you have no feelings and an icy cold heart. see? i don't even know the appropriate actions to take or what words you are supposed to say. maybe that's the problem. i can't even specify my beautiful econometric model of romantic intention because i don't know what would go into it. what data do you gather?

i need help.

econometrics isn't much help when it comes to things that actually matter.

on a side note, i still love the word though. sometimes i get really hung up on the way words sound. econometrics. phenomenology. heteroskedasticity. homogenized. quelquefois. sucia. i just like saying them.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

everything in relation to everything else

so i am totally taking today's idea from something i read on another blog. to be specific, something i read on the house of beauty and culture. i love this blog. the person writing it, who i assume for some reason is a man but i don't know, has a truly flawless sense of aesthetic. i don't say that about very many people. i try to say it about myself, even though i know it isn't really true all the time. so i have to preface this with saying that the following thoughts DO NOT proceed with the same stylishness and and elegance contained within the house of beauty an culture, because...well my mind is a really cluttered space and sadly in need of a redecoration. i said, i usually don't do this, but the post i read the other day really made me think about some things. things i think about a lot even in the absence of reading it there, but just the same...

the idea was presented through citation of quentin crisp that went little something like this....

What would you be like if there was nobody else in the world? Who would you be if the only opinion that mattered was yours? Because if you want to be truly happy you must be that person. You must search inside yourself for what is uniquely you. When you find it, polish it until it becomes your style. It's no good being a pig farmer for 30 years looking back and saying 'I was meant to be a ballet dancer', by that time pigs are your style.

in a lot of ways, this is dead on. and i realize that it is in many ways a stretch to apply this to areas other than personal style. and even when you think about it, personal style still depends on the interaction between the self and other at some point. it is true that happiness is a product of doing things that please you, as opposed to doing things only to please other people but really don't appeal to you. for example, i refuse to wear skinny jeans. they are totally in right now. but i'm just too round to wearthem and i end up looking like i have freakishsly short legs. and i look sort of fat. so i don't wear them. i wear things that make me look long instead.

at some point, however,the other comes into the picture. what 's the point of being so fabulous if no one else is willing to recognize it though i think it can be successfully argued that the sense of power you get from pleasing yourself is attractive to the other. and then people are following you. and that always feels good, because then you can do as you please and people are all about it. of course, the idea presented above (phrased as it is) seems to hinge on the idea that there is in fact essence and i don't really believe that way, but whatever.

so then i started thinking...

what would i be like if i could live in that space in which the only opinion that mattered was my own? i am thinking of interpersonal relationships more so than aesthetics, because that's just what i do.

relationships require crossing the space between the self and other. and it's a lot of space. yet you have to be able to make that leap. and the only thing that's scarier than admitting to yourself that in some way your happiness is tied up with the fate of the other is having to tell the other that. and not just the other but an other. one particular other. because what if they aren't ok with that and you lose them forever? then where are you?

even more alone than before.

but you have to just take that leap at some point. or you do really end up alone. so you do have to get to that space in which your opinion is the only one that is strong enough to force you to make that leap. forget what other people think, even in a way the other in question themselves. because the risk of losing that person because you never took the leap is just as bad as losing them if you took the leap and you get rejected. maybe even worse. because then you find yourself out to dinner with them and their new girlfriend. or at their wedding ad all you can do is cry.

and what if you're wrong about how you feel? what if you've misplaced feelings. or you just don't have any feelings to begin with so you think you're feeling something, but actually not?

which of course brings me right back to the same question as to if it is worse to get what you want or to not get it.

i think that if i could make it to that space i would be happier. well....maybe happier, maybe not happier. but not so burdened, perhaps. because the burden of feelings is so incredibly heavy. crushing, in fact.

ok. so that wasn't exactly from point a to point b. and it has taken me a few days to write. and it might not even address the thing i wanted to address in the first place. told you my mind was cluttered.

Monday, January 4, 2010

the first day of school

this is roughly my twentieth year in school. that's right. i've spent two decades going to class. that is sixty percent of my life.

and i still get nervous on the first day.

seriously. i feel so nauseous right now. i don't want to go.

and it doesn't help that i have to be prepared to discuss things today. AND i know we're going to have to go around and say who we are and what we're interested in and the worst, why we're taking the class. although, my class today is required so hopefully we won't have to do that. because everybody tries to put out the best reason. like how terribly vital the class is to the discipline or how interesting the class is to them personally because it will not only help the grow as a scholar, but to do better, more sound research. which is sometimes true and sometimes a complete lie.

meh. i don't want to go.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

the very last number and some other self-revelations on the still newish year

this morning i took a huge step out of the past and, hopefully, into the future. i deleted the last number on my phone that tied, no, anchored me to the past. the number. my ex-boyfriend's number.

not that we ever speak. and we did break up like three years ago. but until now i just couldn't bring myself to delete his number. all the other numbers were relatively easy, i mean, i don't really talk to those people anyway. or even want to. that said, deleting people off my phone is still a huge step for me. i'm one of those people who doesn't get rid of anything. because you never know when you're going to need it. what if i needed to talk to someone and i couldn't because i deleted their number?

i think with him it was different though. i never call him anymore. he called me over the summer and it was the first time i had spoken to him since we broke up that i wasn't super upset for the rest of the day. because even though i've been done with him for some time, i think having his number in my phone was this really passive way of still being connected to him.

if i'm going to move forward, which i really want to do i am going to have to put that behind me. i can't change what happened with us. i can't change how i felt at that time. i can't change how devastating it is to have someone say all the things to you that you've always wanted to hear and then have them tell you that all of those things were lies. just straight up lies. breaking up would have made all of those things feel like lies anyway, but to actually have someone tell you flat out that they were lying is just...horrifying. and the worst was that i put all the blame on myself. not on him, but on me. i thought that i really deserved that. maybe i still think that. and it really isn't about him anymore. that's why i don't really ever talk about him here. i'm not hung up on him, it's more about what happened.

i can't change that those things happened.

but i can delete you from my fucking phone. now we have no connection.

this moment of clarity

do you ever have those moments where you can see clearly the thing you want more than anything else?

i do. all the time.

especially right now. when i'm here unable to sleep. i think about all the people that have approached me in the last few days and how they weren't what i wanted. because they weren't the ideal.

whatever that is.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

you're so last decade

and so i've deleted you from my phone. and hence, my life.

that's right. i just went through my phone deleted all numbers that meet any of the following conditions:

1. we haven't spoken in over a year and aren't likely to (probably)because...
2. we have no reason to speak now that we no longer work together/go to the same school and/or...
3. i just don't like you and possibly never did and/or...
4. we used to date (or whatever) and talking to you only brings me down, yet sometimes i'm tempted to call you and that just ends up making me feel bad so i had to remove the temptation

because there is just some symbolic importance in deleting that person from your phone. like this private step is the positive action necessary to actually cut this person out of your life in a real sense. it's empowering. it's my way of saying 'i wouldn't call you even if i could, which i can't because i don't have your number. on purpose. and it's permanent."

there is a catch. i have noticed a very discouraging trend in phone number deletion. it seems that whenever you take that step of deleting someone, even someone that you haven't talked to in forever, THAT is when they call. this has happened to me in the past. so i'm just waiting for that to happen...

Friday, January 1, 2010


i just feel so stuck. i can't go to sleep. i can't stay awake. there are things i can't stop thinking about. but i don't really want to think about anything anymore. i'm bored, but i don't want to do anything. i'm alone, but i think i prefer it that way. i was cold, but now i'm hot. i read the gossips. but nothing was going on there either.

i started reading self-help articles on the internets, but they weren't much help. one article suggested writing down ten things you love about yourself everyday. i can only think of maybe three or four. you're also supposed to tell other people you care about that you care about them, because everyone needs to hear that vocalized. but i'm not very good at that either. although...i wish someone would just tell me ten things they love about me. or not even ten. five, maybe? or even just one? that would be so great to hear. and then i wouldn't have to do it myself. which i realize is missing the point of the article entirely, but i would still like to hear it. i suppose that this makes me a taker rather than a giver, but that's the way it is.

as far as saying things to other people, it's just too scary to me if it isn't someone that i'm sure feels it back. because once you say things in words, out loud, the significance of things changes. things take on different meanings. and you can never go back to the way things were before you said them out loud. so if the desired effect isn't's just too awful.

i got a fortune cookie today that said that i should try something new and different. that i would like the results. but i have serious doubts about that.

i tried to call tb, whom i do tell all the time that i love, but he was out. good for him. i do wish he would call back though. sometimes is is nice to have someone else to talk with.

back to pointless thought.

bird flying high, you know how i feel

ok, so i don't really feel like that high flying bird at all. that was a lie. moving on...

a new day. a new year. a new decade.

i had forgotten (or just not realized at all) that the whole decade was changing over until i read it on the internets. not that it really matters. there was, in my opinion, nothing to distinguish the past decade from others. except maybe that people are getting lamer. or it could just be that i'm becoming less able to cope with other people and their shit. the causal link in this chain is irrelevant.

i've been sitting here at the coffee bean trying to decide what to write about. i could make some resolutions, but i really don't feel like it. i work on myself constantly, not just during the new year. i suppose i will continue to try to be more social. interpersonal interactions just take so much out of me. as part of this endeavor, i went to a new year's eve party. i didn't know anyone there except the person i went with. i considered not going because i've been sick. but then i realized that i was kind of just using that as an excuse to not have to meet people and to stay home alone because it was more comfortable.

i'm glad i went. it was fun, the people were nice, and the food was good. and there were these two really cool dogs there. one was a german shepherd that reminded me of inga. and one was this little foxy looking dog. literally. it looked like a miniature fox. see? this is what i'm talking about. i went to a party and i remember the dogs more than most of the people.


i might try to start liking myself more and trying to feel like maybe i deserve to be happy. i haven't felt that way in a really long time. i suppose i could stop blaming myself entirely for all of my failed relationships. maybe it wasn't just my fault. maybe they were wrong too and i didn't deserve to be treated the way that i have been treated by some people. and i let them because i thought that i deserved that because i know that i'm fucked up and difficult to be with. sigh. we'll see.

and i'm going to try to work harder.

oh oh oh...i forgot to add this to the list of good things...those of you that follow my blog will recall that once a long time ago, this girl i knew told me that i might be smart and able to carry on a conversation, but that she was prettier and thinner and that's why i was alone and she wasn't. yes, well, time has told on that one. i saw some pictures of her and i can say, objectively speaking, that now i look better. much better.

and that is all. happy new year. again.
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