Monday, November 30, 2009

LA>NYC (in my opinion)

nothing against nyc, really. i think i just use it as a basis of comparison because i'm from the east coast and people go on incessantly about how nyc is the greatest city in the world. and that simply isn't so. it isn't even the greatest city in america. it's suffocating and hectic and cold. you can't see the sky in some places.



i guess i'm just an urban sprawl kind of girl. i think that's why i like LA. it reminds me so much of london (which might actually be the greatest city in the world, despite the weather). it's this seemingly never ending series of interconnected neighborhoods. AND they're all different. you can literally cross a street and be somewhere else entirely. it's terribly exciting.

i need room to breath. even if it is a deep breath full of super smoggy air. i need moderate temperatures and sunshine. i need to be near the water.



i went to the getty this weekend. from there you can see all of LA. from downtown to the hills to century city to the ocean. and i defy anyone to tell me that it isn't completely wonderful. DEFY THEM.









Sunday, November 29, 2009

willing to settle...but for what?

i was talking yesterday with an old friend. we've known each other now for...oh...seventeen years. fuck...i'm old.

anyway, i was explaining my whole single situation about being single and wondering what the problem is and blah blah blah...

she also confirmed that there is nothing wrong with me. however, as she pointed out, there are lots of things that are wrong with other people.

and i am picky. perhaps overly so.

she suggested that instead of having a list of, say, ten essential criteria, that i should shorten this list to five. it's good to have standards, but at some point you have to just learn to accept (or ignore) certain things and focus on what's really important. and also, if you should happen to meet someone that has more than those five...then they're extra special.

this seems to be quite a drastic cut. not that i haven't been thinking about this anyway, but i'm still sad about having to compromise. in a lot of ways, i feel that i've worked too hard to have to settle for someone below average.

i'm well read, pretty highly educated, i can cook, i have a discerning sense of aesthetic, and i look fucking good.

i mean seriously....look at me (mostly i keep saying this not out of ego, but because i hope that if i keep saying it, that i'll be able to convince myself). but none the less i won't even speak to just anyone, much less let them put their hands on me. or let them into my life beyond superficial pleasantries, period.

once you're in, you're in. i'm down like that. but....

it is so hard for me to even let people in. strangely enough, i think a huge misconception about me is that i'm really open. people that don't really know me, feel like they know me. but i'm really, really good at faking it. i've had lots of practice.

most people i've dated barely knew me, when it came down to it

so i've been thinking all this over.

but then i talked to someone today that reminded me that i, in fact, do NOT have to settle. i never have. it was ridiculous of me to even consider it. the advice wasn't bad, there's just no need for that.

honestly. i've been just tripping out lately.

but not anymore. today i was reminded that persons of quality do indeed exist. persons that could never be considered as settling. not in any capacity.

so...yes. unless i settle, i may be waiting longer. but that's fine.

i watch the wire too

sometimes i read things like this. and i wonder why i even bother with academia. note that all the people debating the sociological applications (or not) of "the wire" at this conference teach at the whitest universities on the planet.

i've seen every episode of "the wire" and am fully prepared to discuss.

i have also, for the sake of knowledge, watched every episode of "keeping up with the kardashians" and am ready to develop innovative research re: the transmutation of social values in relation to the commodification of the self and how this relates to technology and everyday interpretations of reality in the post-modern world.

can i have a phd in sociology and tenure at harvard?

thanks.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

santa monica: from zanzibar to street psychic...

tonight was a interesting night. super good, but super interesting.

first...went a bar called zanzibar. location...santa monica. so just a couple of notes about going out here...

one of the more interesting things about LA is it is an experiment in self-esteem. the best way to describe this is to say that in regards to self-esteem building LA is the equivalent of someone throwing you in the deep end of the swimming pool to teach you to swim. meaning... if you can go out and just be yourself and have a good time despite people staring at you, then...you win. this is by far the most self-conscious place i've ever been in. wherever you go, people stare at you. you just have to shake it off and do your thing. it's harder than you think.

and as intimidating as it is, i am ok with it. because i can relate to it. i look at people and judge them too. you can hate on LA. but as one blog put it...

This is Los Angeles, we hated you first.

i honestly feel that people are no more superficial here than they are anywhere else. it's just that here, people don't try to hide it as much. and, contrary to what you might have heard, people really aren't any qualitatively better looking here. they just have more expensive clothes and more plastic surgery (i'm not joking on that one).

and then...

we left the bar at like midnight and rather than go home, we walked through downtown santa monica down third street....

and then we came to this woman who was doing readings on a card table surrounded by candles. she had a sign that said "appalachian seer". seriously. how could i NOT stop?

AND she was doing energy readings for five dollars.

so of course i got one.

i don't know what it is about LA that attracts psychics, but whatever it is...

this woman was GOOD. all she did was hold my left hand in hers and she told me all these things about my life (90% of which were true). and i mean specific things about my childhood/past relationships.

i have to let go of the past before i can move into the future. but you don't have to be psychic to tell me that.

i am trying.

Friday, November 27, 2009

cold weather is for suckers (and so is the east coast, come to think of it)


while the rest of you were bundling up, anticipating snow, and sitting by the fire....we on the left coast were enjoying the sunshine and blue skies.























this weather is great enough to compel you to overlook the horrifying bureaucracy, crippled economy, and suffocating air pollution. it's just so lovely here.

as you can see...i spent the day at the beach. manhattan beach.

happy thanksgiving.
i love LA. i don't ever want to be anywhere else.

fuck you, statistics

so andrea and i got up today and decided to go to the beach.

the only thing standing between us and our sunshiny santa monica day is statistics homework, as we are trying to be diligent about getting this last assignment done.

it isn't going well. we thought is was. and then, as it turns out, we're doing something wrong. as usual.

and then i tried to run stata on my computer and got the message displayed above.

stata comes in multiple flavors? the only flavor i'm interested in is the one that doesn't involve statistics.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

to my dearest tb...


no. i will not be paying you $50.

mostly because i don't have $50. i already gave my extra money to the psychic. but...

i will take this opportunity to tell you how fabulous you are in front of everyone. which, as you know, is way better than me just telling you in private. i mean, what's the point of being told you're fabulous if no one else hears it?

to explain what brought this on. i woke up this morning to the following text:
happy thanksgiving,nina. my sweet potato pie.

yesterday i got one that said:

you're special...so special.

which was almost as great as the free drinks andrea and i got just for being super attractive. almost.

actually, i lie. it was way better. you see, tb knows what a hard time i've been having lately and all the sadness and everything. and it really doesn't take that much to make me feel just a little bit better. just a little bit of attention. just one other person to show that they miss me and would rather be with than without me.

yesterday, in my final wittgenstein seminar we talked about what is love. love is one of those things that exists outside the language-game. you can't really describe it in words, in so much as words are imperfect indicators (at best) of what love actually is. and also the question of which is better, someone who says the words with no meaning or someone who does all the things that you would do for another to make them happy but never actually say the words 'i love you'.

which made me think about a lot of things.

you can't always say what you want to say to other people. especially where love (or something that approximates love in so far as our language game cannot ever appropriately express this) is concerned. maybe because you are afraid to make that leap between the self and the other. or maybe because sometimes when you actually do feel that feeling, the kindest thing you can do for the other is keep it to yourself no matter how much it hurts. or whatever. there are a thousand reasons not to make that leap.

but...in this case i can say it. and i will. because even though our language-game might never convey the extent of feeling that is love...i still think you should say it.

tb, i love you!

what i'm thankful for...

mostly....that i've still got it.

and by 'it' i mean...well apparently people still want me.

i don't know what's going on today. everywhere i go, people are tying to chat to me. in a purely sexual way, but hey....that's something.

i am spending the holiday in LA with andrea and her super awesome family.

but that aside, from the beginning we have been getting accosted. starting on my block when we were packing the car. those guys were totally unacceptable, though. as were most of the guys today.

we stopped in gardena. at the hustler casino. just walking through every guy we passed was like "hey". one guy actually was like "hey beautiful".

i kept walking.

i thought all this eye contact and solicitation was coincidence. even though it was happening all over. not just at the casino.

but then...

andrea took me to the del amo mall to show me where they filmed jackie brown. we also wantred a drink, and rather than drive around until we decide upon a suitable place, we went into...a chain restaurant that shall remain nameless. i will say that it is a huge chain.

we sat at the bar. just wanting to drink some cocktails.

long story short...the bartender totally hooked us up. in a way that i would never have expected. we drank at least $40. he charged us $4.39.

i asken him "why did you do that?"

and he just said "thanks for keeping me company." even though there we other people at the bar. and i totally got he gay vibe from him.

needless to say i left him a HUGE tip. but still... his gesture was completely unwarranted. he didn't HAVE to give us anything.

today was a good day. and i'm back to my old self (more or less). i've still got it. i'm that good. and when you put me and andrea together...free drinks all night.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

at home with nina myers

these two pictures show pretty much all the furniture i have. i'm also really into showing gratuitous pictures of...myself. i should probably revert the name back to 'vanity project'.

i think this is because i am finally at a point where i am happy with my body. the only drawback is, as i've mentioned before, my bust-waist- hip ratio is still problematic when it comes to buying clothes and losing weight hasn't fixed that. at this point, only surgery will fix that. and i don't believe in doing that to yourself. there's just too much that can go wrong to risk it. and i think people pay a lot of money to get my body shape, so basically why bother.

so i'm stuck with trying on clothes that i am afraid will break if a take a deep breath. or buy one size up and look unfitted.

i suppose there wasn't much to this other than as an excuse to post pictures of myself with the few pieces of furniture i own. especially that print. it's the most expensive home accessory i've ever bought.















and it helps my self esteem, of which i really have none. believe it or not. the moral being...i'm like the drunk girl at the bar...just tell me i'm pretty...



Monday, November 23, 2009

tb re: my psychic encounter

you can laugh all you want. but i feel way better today. i woke up and didn't immediately start crying. i didn't wake up in the middle of the night and throw up. or think i was going to throw up. and i know it is because of the psychic i saw yesterday. it's so weird. i've never had that happen.

i finally feel more like myself again. seriously. it's so weird. my soul doesn't hurt as much and i feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.

i called tb to tell him, thinking that he would be happy to hear this.

so i was telling tb all the stuff the psychic told me. first off, i should say that tb doesn't put any faith in psychics. he believes in aliens. but not psychics.

i was going on about being all right and how there's nothing wrong with me and tb interrupts-

"nina, why is it that his conversation is really annoying me right now?"

and i was all like "ummm..."

and tb says:

"why is it, nina, that when i tell you all this stuff (and i do, like everyday) all you do is cry and not believe me? but when some random psychic tells you all this because you paid her $50, all of the sudden it's true? the economy is bad, nina, and i'm poor. why would you pay some bitch you don't even know to tell you the same thing you could be paying me to tell you? why do you care more about her making money than me? it's insulting."

and i said:
"so...you're not making a judgment about the psychic, per se, but you're just mad that i paid her and NOT you?"

tb: "exactly."

at this point i brought it to tb's attention that the psychic had told me that there were haters (she didn't use that word) in my life that would try to keep me from being happy. and that one was a man that possibly lived where i was from. and that this person was jealous and would try to keep me down. and now i was seeing that it might be him...

tb laughed really hard at that.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

spirits in the material world

i decided today that enough was enough. and so i decided to seek help outside of myself. with all this chaos i need guidance. spiritual guidance.

ok, ok....fine. so i went to a psychic.

i have been to a number of different psychics over the years. the worst, by far, are the ones on the street in new orleans. avoid these charlatans like the fucking plague. they never tell you anything of value and the will take you for all the cash you have. especially if you're drunk and it's your birthday.

but i have also been to various psychics in the asheville area, which in case you were not aware, is a mecca for all manner of spirit talkers and crystal gazing seers. in general, this assortment of people are moderately competent, but usually pricey. $60-85 for a simple card reading.

the woman who i saw today, though...

this was the trippiest psychic encounter i've ever had. she was right on about a lot of things...but it was intense.

for one she started dealing the cards and stopped....peered at me for a second...and said "you know...there's nothing wrong with you. you know that, right?"

which was weird because that is a big thing for me right now. she also knew about my nausea thing. she called it right out.

she did the whole life reading. according to her i am going to live a long time. well into my eighties. and i will be married not once, but twice.

what is going on is that there's nothing wrong with me, but there is this terrible sadness in my heart. she said my aura is black. a while back i stepped into something bad. maybe in a cemetery and now it follows me wherever i go. i am overwhelmed by it and this affects me in all areas of my life. BUT i'm still here because i don't stop going on. i never stop trying. because despite all this sadness, my heart is good. and people can see that.

and that also things from my past life are fucking me up now. i have an old soul. but in my past life i suffered from this horrible loss. the loss of a child. and it left this mark on my soul. i never got over it. i still carry that with me.

which brings us to the love part of the reading. what she told me was this....lots of guys care a lot about me, but i don't care about them. and also that the right ones keep passing me by because my aura is so dark that they can't find me.

then she stopped right in the middle of the reading and made me pray with her. THAT was the weirdest part. she made me ask god for happiness. i've never been to a psychic that did that. i told my friend andrea how it kind of freaked me out, and she just said "was she brown?". she (the psychic) was. andrea told me that makes total sense. that for latinas, it's never just about divination. it's all wrapped up with catholicism and it shouldn't freak me out.

despite the darkness, she sees marriage for me. not this year. or the next. but the year after that.

and here's where shit also gets weird. she sees marriage for me, BUT it is critical that we (as in she and i) get me (the one who is getting married) married to the right person.

because of the aura stuff and the past life stuff that needs resolving, i need help. i can't do it myself. but she's willing to help. for a price.

it's not that i don't think she's legit, but i simply don't have the scratch available for this therapy. so...any donations from you, my readers, would be much appreciated. if you love me and want to see me happy you totally will...

don't be stingy.

also...there's a lot of details i left out. we talked about a lot of personal stuff. if you know me personally, feel free to ask me not on my blog. same if you want her info. i would recommend her.

i feel strangely at peace with everything.

minor irritation re: simple decisions

those of you that follow this blog know i have certain tendencies that constrain my actions in everyday life. one of these tendencies is the compulsive dedication to routine. i get no greater satisfaction than from following a predetermined course of action. especially right now, when everything is in chaos. .

on the weekends i go to either the coffee bean and tea leaf or starbuck's to drink coffee and work. on the weekdays i go to the starbuck's near school, but not on the weekends. on the weekends i go to the one near my house, if i opt to go there and not the coffee bean.

i prefer the coffee bean in regards to taste. but it's always really cold in there. and it is more expensive for the same drink. AND last time i got accosted by a creepy older guy (although that seems to happen to me no matter where i go these days). but they play (slightly) better music.

today for some reason i just didn't want to go to either. the coffee bean is always full on sunday mornings and i'm also kind of annoyed at starbuck's because they don't have free wireless.

i could go to the coffee depot, but i always go there with andrea so it would feel off to go there alone.

and i have to be in the right frame of mind to work. hence the extensive deliberation over where to go.

then i remembered that i could go to the starbuck's on arlington. it's much quieter than the one near my house. and it's near target. so i could go there after, because i need some rubber bands for my hair. and some pens.

so i convinced myself that this would be ok. but then i got there and it was full. of church people.

there wasn't one empty table in the whole place.

so i had to go to this other starbuck's. which is like the worst starbuck's ever. full of crazies. which is why i could get a table.

to give you an idea...i am sitting next to woman clipping coupons. not just a few coupons. but like oh, i don't know....200 coupons. seriously. i don't think that one person could even use all of those coupons. you would waste more gas going to all those different stores to get those good deals (which they really aren't) than you would save with the coupons. plus, is it really worth holding up the line at the grocery store for like twenty minutes for a total savings of like 83 cents?

today is bullshit. next time, i'll just dress warm and go to the coffee bean.

last night...

i couldn't get to sleep at all.

and the night before that. and the night before that.

friday was especially disappointing in this regard. remember how i was going to go out and get drunk and internalize my feelings? which at that point would i felt would be better than eating my feelings. which i as of yet have not been doing full on, but really, really, really want to.

i even ate a muffin for breakfast yesterday. don't fool yourselves, you might as well eat cake for breakfast. and i love nothing more than cake for breakfast. almost as much as i love champagne for breakfast. both together could be the beginning of the perfect day. but only in appropriate context. mostly in the context of having someone to share the two with. so i suppose i amend that to cake, champagne, and sex for breakfast. and don't think that this is reserved for special occasions. i believe that you make your special occasions. life is just too boring and too short not to do things like that. there's just no good reason not to.

anyway...sleep. i just can't seem to get any. and friday i had hoped that if i went out, at least i could sleep when i got home. but, as they say....the bottle let me down. because i was still up thinking half the night.

sigh.

i never met a problem vodka couldn't (dis)solve. if i can't even self medicate, what's to become of me?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

et tu, castor?

i woke up and decided to read from being and nothingness. it's so odd jump from literature centered around questioning the grounds of reality vis-vis appearances where it is possible that nothing is realy, back into literature that is very much grounded in being or existence. even if this being is in league with nothingness in so much as there is no ultimate meaning for anything, at any time.

it is in the acceptance of nothingness that we exist as free to create our own way in the world. this is uncomfortable for a lot of people.

but that wasn't the point. i really not qualified AT ALL to go into a consideration of being and nothingness. i might never be. no matter how many times i read it. i can however, discuss it at length. just not in writing. for some reason it is super, extra difficult for me to discuss philosophical things in the context of papers.

this was not the point either. i'm trying to remember what the point was...

oh yeah...one really interesting aspect of the french existentialist movement was that they took what had been traditionally something very abstracted from everyday life (high theory) and really tried to create a new lifestyle from the ruins of an old one. which lead to a lifestyle that straight up rejected the bourgeois imperatives that had up until that point provided the constraints of social order. this included marriage. family. relationships. music. language.

maybe this would have been a better time. the only problem was...even with the emphasis on non-traditional relationships and the irrelevance of socially constructed monogamy they seemed to never really get around the problem of love. for one person.

it was, on one level, totally acceptable to have your cake and eat it too. but was it really?

take for instance sartre and de beuvoir. they had each other, but also a lot of other people too. apparently, it was mostly him that had a lot of other people. it wasn't that she didn't, it's just that he had more. interestingly, they also maintained autonomous households. completely separate lives, except for their agreement to be in common together.

and she stayed with him. until the end of his life. she loved him.

often i've thought that it might be her love for him that undermines this strand of existentialism and it's relevance. especially if you read an interview given in 1976 where she refers to their relationship as seemingly preordained. even though, she herself admits that she would have rejected that word at the time when they met...it seemed preordained.

really? needless to say...i was disappointed to hear this. i mean is that what love is? you meet someone that is that special to you that details become irrelevant in the face of how life would be without that person in it?

but you don't even have to hear her say that. you can watch this documentary and see by the way she speaks of sartre that she loved him that way. she loved him that much.

i would highly recommend watching not just this interview, but the whole documentary. it comes from a three part series by the bbc called "human, all too human". one part was on nietzsche, one part on heiddeger, and one part on sartre. it is really, really good.

oh! hand you get an interview with bernard-henri levy. the man for which the phrase 'god is dead, but my hair is perfect' was coined.

in fact, i am going to get indian take-out watch the one on heidegger tonight. my big saturday night plans. meh.

Friday, November 20, 2009

freaky friday


today has been a weird day, to say the least.

first....philosophical flashbacks.
had wittgenstein seminar. the highlight of my week for sure. how can it fail to be exciting to discuss someone whose work advocated the transcendence of language in totality? that there are certain concepts that are devalued in meaning in the transition from feeling to idea to expression in language. this seminar has really helped me to take it to the next level as far as reading philosophical texts is concerned. which isn't a very high level, but i'm happy with even the tiniest steps forward in philosophy, which i consider to be the highest form of thought, so long as i am progressing.

(on a side note...russ, if you are reading this PLEASE could you read on certainty so that we can discuss it over christmas...thanks. i think you would like it...and i trust you to be able to discuss it in a meaningful/satisfactory fashion)

but for the strange part. i was looking up some things about witttgenstein when i ran across a name that i hadn't heard in a very long time. quite honestly, a name i never really thought i would hear again.

the name of one of my first, um, boyfriends. i think it is his father actually. i remember that his father was a college professor. which was kind of antithetical to how we behaved as teenagers.

it was weird. seing that name again. i hadn't thought about him in a long time. i don't feel particularly sad or not sad about it. just strange that on this day that name would be in front of my face.

second...i see eye to eye the holy see on a critical social issue.

i thought this would NEVER happen.

agreement between myself and the vatican: (they have a really nice website by the way...apparently god likes pastels and soft angles... A LOT.)

birth control?
nope.

homosexuality?
uh uh.

abortion?
no fucking way.

godliness in general?
um... no.

the twilight saga?
not a chan...
wait. hold up. we both worry for the souls of today's youth when we think of these movies?

bingo.

ok. so i think that describing the twilight saga as a “moral void more dangerous than any deviant message” might be a bit if an overstatement, but i see your point. i'm also sick of trying to read the gossips and having nothing to look at other than these kids. i mean the one guy actually looks like a werewolf...it's creepy. and i'm tired of the oh so charming, mumbling young hugh grant-in-training too. lets see how fucking charming he is when in a few years he's trying to explain how he got picked up by vice with some transvestite hooker on the wrong side of hollywood.

so yeah. i feel you,vatican.

and now for later...

to celebrate my new found commonality with god's earth;y emissaries, i'm going out. (after i finish my work, of course)

i can't change certain things. i can't reconcile or process certain emotional things. but what i CAN do is get fucking drunk and internalize them....i can't wait.

when will happiness find me again?

so i mentioned that i wrote an entry yesterday that i took down. well i'm coming back to it. the whole kate moss thing made me think about it. about what i really wanted to say.

let me backtrack to early this morning, i called tb crying. right now i just feel super alienated from everyone i know. it's all children. and marriage. and so i just get kind of left out because i don't even have a relationship. just a lot of failed relationships. a lot of times there's even this implicit tone that i'm not really an adult because i don't have these things. like in some way, my life isn't as complicated or stressful or even valid.

these aren't bad people. they would probably deny that they even do this. they probably don't even realize that they are doing it. but it was always there.

but if they could see how it feel from the other side. sometimes i just want to yell, 'IT ISN'T MY FAULT...I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS...I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG'

because that's what hurts. call it the hetero-paradigm or whatever, but i didn't opt out of it by choice. i got left out. by fate. or because i'm not good enough. or because i'm just too fucking selfish. or because i just don't need that to be happy.

because the truth is....i don't even know that i want kids. and i don't knwo that i want to be married either. maybe i'm not the marrying type.

but i miss being in love. and i really miss having someone thta is in love with me. to know that even if i fuck everything else up in my life...if i fail out of school or i quit because i just can't anymore....that they will still love me anyway.

the key thing here that i am realizing is the gaze of the other. i've been really letting it get to me lately. and that isn't who i am. i could give a fuck what most people think. i'm single by choice. because i could totally have a boyfriend if i wanted. i could be fucking married if i wanted. but the thing is, i've worked too hard and come too far to settle for someone who just isn't good enough. you have to come correct or don't fucking bother. i'm not going to laugh at your jokes if they are stupid or pretend that you are smarter than me. if i do those things, it is because i mean it 100%. that is how i have always been. and i am not changing now. no matter how alienated i might be as the lone single person.

i'm ok with who i am. i've never apologized for my feelings. or expressing them. it is who i am. i have a theory that people don't really appreciate honesty to the extent that they claim, but that is another story.

back to kate. she shouldn't have to apologize for who she is anymore than i should. she's flawless. there are a ton of standards that that are harmful to people. at some point you have to accept responsibility for yourself.

nothing tastes as good


nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. so says kate moss recently to W magazine.

i had just posted this whole blog and part of it had to do with this exact statement. which i personally feel that there is nothing wrong with. i read it the other day. and thought 'true'.

of course, i also thought that she said 'nothing tastes as good as skinny looks'.
i'm not sure if that is better or worse. but i still agree.

anyway. i took this particular blog down. which is the first time i have ever done this. i had mixed feelings about it anyway. but, curiously enough, not about the part having to do with this statement. apparently, however, some people are super offended that she said this. and i understand their point as well.

in my original blog i said that i make the choice between healthy and thin. really, i just meant that i obsess about my weight more than i should and this isn't healthy. but i didn't want to be interpreted as endorsing eating disorders or as suggesting that i have an eating disorder. i don't even strive to be as thin as kate moss, because it just isn't possible for me.

i happen to think kate moss is super beautiful. but not because she's super thin. AND in spite of the fact that she's a blond and i think that look is played out. she just is. she has 'it'. and 'it' isn't about physical looks entirely.

and also, you have to also think that she was like seventeen-eighteen when she first became big. i was really thin at that age as well. i wore like a size two until i was 15 or so. then my body changed. and i've been stuck with this hour glass shape. and people make you feel just as bad about that. and not because you're fat, but because it had come to be identified as a standard of beauty and people who don't have that feel pressured and then it becomes not even ok for you to be happy about it when it isn't even your fault.

i have been and shall remain a huge kate moss fan. she shouldn't have to apologize for being thin and pursuing that. and i don't even think she's that outrageously thin. at least not anymore.

i love you, kate.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

a typical day...

actually i wish my day was as exciting as this...

mostly i do practice statistics problems.
although i have been reading a lot of interesting philosophy....
most recently wittgensein....




i am a super interesting person to talk to. and it is totally wasted...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

every move i make

today you all get two stalker stories for the price of one. excited? you should be.

story #1
i don't know if i've mentioned the old guy that is always trying to chat to me at starbuck's. well if i neglected to do so, please allow me to catch you up. there's this middle aged gut that is always at starbuck's in the mornings. he's nice enough, but....well...he's awfully old. and not in a hot anthony bourdain kind of way. more like a pervy dirty old man kind of way. you know the type...

and he always wants to engage me in conversation.
consider the following:

[picture me sitting in front of the bird of paradise plant (which is my favorite plant)]

him: heeyy there...i always run into you here...same place everyday...(wink and a smile)
me: i like the bird of paradise.
him: WELL...my yard is filled with bird of paradise...you should see them... (wink and a smile)

i could tell that he was totally thinking that my next line would be something along the line of can please come see them and while i'm there we can totally have sex. but it wasn't.

today andrea and i came to starbuck's together. he came over and was all "heyyy...you're back again, i see...." (i was here earlier today)

me: yes. my GIRLFRIEND and i wanted some coffee.

andrea is very cool to play along and went through he motions. but i think he just likes me even more now.

story #2:
i know i've mentioned mr. creepy before. scary fellow student. subject of the "dear mr. creepy" entry. also old. but with FAR less social skills than mr. starbucks.

he always contrives reasons to come into the office at school to chat to me and andrea. so today, we thought that one of the benefits of working at starbuck's would be that we would be spared the horror of that particular interaction.

we couldn't have been more wrong.

in he came. we avoided eye contact. that failed.
he tried to engage in conversation. we were super cold. that failed.
and where does he sit? directly on the other side of the window form us.

and now for the plot twist...

after an agonizingly awkward/long period of time, mr. creepy leaves. and we rejoiced.

but again....we spoke too soon. for as soon as mr. creepy left, mr. starbucks quickly snagged his seat. and proceeded to gaze leeringly at andrea. for like twenty minutes.

when at last he leaves...rather than just exit from the patio he walks way out of his way...back through starbuck's to leave us with one resounding "laaaadddiees...enjoy your day". followed by a knowing look.

and who is creepier? who can say.... if i could sum them up in one phrase it would be something like....'oh...look a this fucking sex offender...'

sigh....welcome to my life.

Monday, November 16, 2009

things i would rather be doing other than statistics...

um...anything actually.

i have been trying to finish this assignment up. so i can write another paper.

so far i have not finished it. but i have...

shaved my legs. something i can be slack about in the winter. but clearly the preferable option to statistics.

thought about how much i like the mini-dress now that i'm thin enough to wear them. thought about how they are especially hot with really tall heels. so i tried a couple of vintage ones on to see...i rejected the null hypothesis that there is no relationship between my level of hotness and the mini dress. the intervening variable of five inch heels amplified the affect (or effect...too tired to think about grammar).

cleaned my living room.

answered a question about ir feminism from an old friend.

read every horoscope on the internet, looking for one i really liked.

Do not let someone's emotional upheaval stop you from saying what must be said.

(yeah right. if it were only that easy.)

Let it all out today -- don't hold back. Your momentum is absolutely exuberant. You're like a snowball rolling downhill, gaining in size and speed. Everyone's ready to jump onboard your crazy train and take it for a ride. It's the express to fun. Last stop? Party time!

(???)

played around with pandora radio. which is supposed to generate music that you will like based upon your likes. how they got van morrison from the combination of magnetic fields/the pixies/frank black/neil young/velvet underground i HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. clearly he doesn't belong. i shouldn't have to explain why. it should be so fucking obvious.

read a dealbreaker that directly pertained to me. apparently, although my horoscope disagrees, i need to keep it in instead of letting it out. sometimes i need a reality check and that was it.

oh...and i lit a candle to the blessed virgin and prayed for the infinite patience required to finish this assignment.

back to...statistics....meh....

memories.....like the scallops of my mind.

i've been going full on for the last month or so. even my mother who's never been one for accepting complaining where hard work is concerned told me that i couldn't keep going on like this. i wish i had the option of quitting. i mean i know it is always an option, but at this point i have so many sunk costs that quitting would be really sad.

so i've been sleeping like 4-5 hours a night (except on the weekends when i sleep like 6) my eyes are all sunken in and in the course of this have been not eating like i should. i've even been forgetting to eat. and that is not like me at all.

so last night a friend made me stop working and go eat a nice dinner. it has been so long since i went to a really nice sushi restaurant. mostly i just eat mexican street food because it's really cheap. but it was good to actually sit down and eat. i even broke my own rule about eating in places that serve fois gras.

the spicy tuna and crunchy shrimp were pretty good, although i felt that they weren't as good as edo in memphis. edo had the best sushi of anywhere. i think because it was so simple. i would give anything to eat there again. and they were right next to the jerusalem market. so i could have sushi and hummus for dinner, which i did. almost every friday night that i lived in memphis

but...what was really amazing were their seared scallops. sushi style scallops. they were so good. i forgot how much i like scallops. there was a period when i was much younger that i ate them all the time. one time i even went to the beach and ate nothing but scallops for an entire week.

i think what happened was as i got older, i become much more discriminating about how scallops are cooked. they get fucked up a lot. texture-wise. so i just stopped ordering them because i hate disappointment when i eat out.

these were perfect though. they might have been marinated, but i don't think so. scallops taste naturally sweet to me so it is hard to say. and they seared them with a little blow torch, which is far superior than pan-seared. the appropriate method for something delicate like a scallop. scallops are so hard to pan-sear. especially in a busy restaurant. if you try to rush, they come apart and stick to the pan. and so on.

i am really sensitive to all these things from working in a restaurant for so long. i can tell if something sat in the window too long. i can tell if it stuck to the pan. i can tell if they fucked up one side of something and are trying to hide it with sauce and garnish. i can tell when the waitress forgot to put my order in and is blaming the kitchen (but i don't really care about that one, i know how it is).

but these were the perfect scallops. sweet and delicious. perfect texture. not gooey or rubbery. perfect.

i wish i got to eat out more.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

i'm looking in horror....NOT attraction....

so instead of going to the sad grad lounge to work, andrea and i are loitering at the coffee depot hoping that the $10 purchase we made earlier will buy us an afternoon of free internet access so we can work from here. we've been working here for like three hours now and no one has said anything. so far so good.

you know what is NOT good though? the fucking pseudo-hipster sitting behind us that is projecting H1n1 all over us. with every sneeze, projectile cough, and snuffly wheez i become more uncomfortable and unable to breath. it is horrifying.

the worst part is that when i look at him he makes eye contact and smiles like i'm checking him out.

i AM checking him out. i'm checking him out closely..... for signs of communicable disease.

you see? that's how fucking oblivious guys are.

i feel so dirty right now. i need a shower. where's my anti-bacterial hand sanitizer....FUCK.

WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST STAYED IN MY GERM FREE BED TODAY? (see below)

what i wish i could do today...

yep. this is it.

a little while back andrea and i met these guys while we were out one night and their bright idea for stimulating conversation was something like this...

guy: what would you do if you had a billion dollars? (or some arbitrary amount i can't recall what as i wasn't really listening)

me: nothing.

guy: what do you mean 'nothing'?

and i knew that we were on two different levels. i wouldn't do anything at all. i wouldn't have to.
right now sleeping seems pretty good.


zzzz...zzzz...zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz....zzzz.

a couple of things you should know about...

dealbreaker.
the newest blog i read. it is linked to the right. the kind of funny i could be, if i weren't so fucking depressed these days. i appreciate it because i am THAT picky. there are a lot of dealbreakers as far as i'm concerned.

also, also, also...
the house of beauty and culture is back. this the only blog that links N=1 that i don't know personally. the person who writes it, has the most flawless sense of aesthetic. i mean absolutely sublime. i highly recommend it, if you want to feel good for a sec.

and i do want to feel good for a sec. i've just been swallowed up lately. swallowed up by feelings. feeling that are just way out of place. even for my blog. i don't even know where they came from. so i'm trying to sort them out and get rid of them. but it isn't working out very well. some things you can't get rid of that easily.

and on top of all this, i don't even have time to feel good. but i am trying.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

the linguistic turn

just one morning i wish i could wake up and not feel nauseous. i wake up and i literally have to force myself to get out of bed, because i feel seasick. that's the only way to describe it. i don't know what is going on with me. it isn't stress. not because i don't have stress (i have a ton of fucking stress), but this is a different kind of nausea. but other than that i feel fine, so i just don't know.

language games....yeah... so i realize that relationships come up a lot here...specifically my own personal failures to connect with well, anyone really. but a lot of the reason for this is because i'm constantly being thrown into these situations where it is brought to my attention how very alone i am. and what makes it worse is that these situations always seem to occur in places where it should be least relevant if i am single or not. like philosophy seminar. or statistics study group.

the language games of social academic interaction (sadly the only kind i have here) are focused overwhelmingly on the pair rather than the 'i'....

discussing wittgenstein was the best part of my day yesterday. probably the only good part of my day. so in discussing language games, where do you suppose the conversation went? well it went into a discussion of language games between people in the class and their significant others.
like that tired old thing about the man asking the woman if she is ok and she responds with "fine", but she isn't fine at all...i mean every person was bringing relationship examples up, because they are all either married or engaged or whatever...

i could have brought up my own example of how i don't really play language games and maybe the reason i'm single is because when people ask how i am, i tell them.

i'm not fine.

people never want to hear that. especially people you're dating. they was the "i'm fine". which only gratifies the object at the expense of the subject.

i personally am of the opnion that this sort of interaction thoroughly undermines and devalues the subject (I, in this case) and in that sense you could possible argue that this converts the subject into the object. an object onto which the other both projects their own undesirable emotions and recoils at having these reflected back to them. and no one likes that. so "i'm fine" becomes the only acceptable answer. or maybe not. subject-object considerations always confuses me.

because i read them and i just sit there thinking where is the 'i' situated right now? and by the 'i', i mean myself personally.

i'm right here.

actually, i was right there thinking about why it always has to come back to that particular interaction.

it is because i am unable to lie or to entirely hide my feelings towards the other or concerning myself in regards to the other (the other in the narrow sense, not the broad sense) within an intricately contrived language game, if i am placed within a situation in which my spoken word would unravel the game (and no one wants that, not even me) i typically don't speak at all, preferring action through non-action. because you can't go back. once it's out there, it's out there.

so it seems that once again, i am at an impasse.

because love (or connection, it doesn't have to be love which is a four letter word, at best) ultimately requires that breach of etiquette in any situation and i am not capable of doing it, i just wait for the other to do it. and so far (or at least in a really long time) no other had really dare to do so.

maybe i'm not worth the risk. which is a downer, for sure. so i'll leave you all with this depiction of love that is loosely related to the things i've been thiinking on...

pop-up green house

i just saw an infomercial for this. it closely followed a television program called "the cannabis connection", a program devoted to highlighting different co-ops in the greater LA area. the bud they showed was insane. INSANE.

i'm thinking the timing on this was no coincidence. you can pretend that people just want fresh tasting tomatoes, but....

oh....and on the commercial they were like "just set up and turn on the sun...", which was a lamp in this case.

and did you know that cannabis can be used to treat acne? oh, you didn't? seriously?

Friday, November 13, 2009

a bright wittgensteinian day

>

i am not more certain of the meaning if my words than i am of certain judgments. can I doubt this colour is called “blue”?

(my) doubts form a system.

i woke up this morning thinking that today would be a good day. or at least an interesting day. we’re starting wittgenstein today in philosophy. i have wanted for years to read wittgenstein (in the context of a class).

but then the soul crushing reality of all the work i have to do today set in like immediately and reading wittgenstein became this intense chore. and i started to feel like I don’t have the brain power/energy to put into even a two hour discussion. because the whole time the work that must be completed will be looming over me .

so I decided(read trying really hard) say fuck that and try to get at least some satisfaction out of this day. and the fact that i am lucky enough to be getting the opportunity to study wittgenstein, period. I could be stuck with hobbes. or even worse…rousseau.

instead… i get to take a class premised on the idea that the appearance of structure and organization is just that…appearance. and read some really interesting philosophy. not to sound elitist, but this seminar is concerned with what I would think of as high theory, not the self-indulgent ramblings of a sexually frustrated egotist (rousseau). okok, I guess you could be tempted to put nietzshe in this category and you wouldn’t be wrong, but at least he had personality.

we make our own systems. constantly. that’s what life is. or better, that is what life seems to be. there is no is. or at least we can never know beyond a feeling that is is.

a constant, yet futile, attempt to forge order from chaos. however, it is in the acceptance of chaos that order might emerge. self-organization.

the unavoidable interactions between the self and the other complicate things beyond belief. at any moment you might be struck with a feeling that you never at any point felt previously. but the problem of where that feeling is situated within the greater structure of sanctioned interaction.

does the idea of agreeing to be in common together( as expressed by derrrida regarding love, though this can be extended to interaction in more general terms as which are considered here) even maintain any pretence of actuality? what is agreement? what is in common?

for how do I know someone is in doubt? how do I know that he uses the word “I doubt” as I do?

is it a feeling?

because what is that even? feelings…. indefinable. unexplainable. are they what are left inside when perception has filtered and ordered what we believe we have experienced first-hand?

and what’s love but a second-hand emotion? the dialectical interaction and mutual gratification of ego. of wanting to feel as though there is a reason for all of this.

but this too has been taught to us, the acknowledgement of which gets us no closer to undoing the myriad of issues that compel us to seek it out in the first place.

but what if you find something you weren’t looking for? what do you do with that? at the start of this feeling you begin to imagine “i feel x, for what reason?…it must be for the reason of y”.

i’m for free love… and i’m in free fall…this could be love, or nothing at all.

ok. that’s not wittgenstein. it’s the magnetic fields. but it stands. at any point, how do you know what is what? for stephin merritt, his doubt and misery regarding love exists in dialectical interaction to his certainty that love exists and that he is deprived of the experience through bad luck or fate or whatever. it is his certainty that gives rise to his certain doubt. if he didn’t posit certainty, he wouldn’t be as miserable for lack of the desired order which eludes him. and then i couldn’t indulge my inner love martyr through his music.

in actuality, this order eludes all of us. just because you call it love, does that make it so? only to you.

so what do you do with the feelings you are equally incapable of shaking off and acting upon?

and the answer is…nothing. you just keep going. you can take comfort that your actions are appropriate within the greater context of agreed upon meanings. or you can agree to disagree and go your own way.neither is comfortable.

for…

when we first begin to believe anything, what we believe is not a single proposition, it is a whole system of propositions.

(light dawns gradually over the whole).

Thursday, November 12, 2009

sortilegio











and now for some gratuitous beauty.
meet william levy. star of sortilegio. enough said.

were you expecting a package?

































so it has been suggested that this blog has gotten a bit depressing. to lighten the mood let's take a trip down memory lane...to the 1970's. some of my readers remember this decade better than others, but i think we can all appreciate the fact that my apartment is 100% vintage 70's porn.

from the brown semi-shag that looks as though if i went through it carefully i could collect enough blow to binge out for at least 2-3 days to the dingy walls that are better not seen in full daylight...to my carefully selected decor... you are transported back to the golden age of pornography.

you know...when pornos had plots... that often involved delivery men...

i didn't start out to live in an apartment that looks like the only thing missing is john holmes...it just worked out that way.

anyhow...welcome to my home...

the many roads not taken

the past few days or so i have been thinking a very hard on missed chances. like..am i alone because i missed my chance? which goes hand in hand with...how did i manage to fuck things up?
or...did i fuck things up?

it was in this wonderfully nostalgic state that i began looking up ex-boyfriends via the internets. and yes, i am all too painfully aware of how sad this makes me look. but whatevs...i'm sure you do it too....

so first i looked up this guy i dated for like a year or so in high school. he was truthfully not the best boyfriend ever, but he was the first person i ever thought seriously about being with forever. well...seeing his picture was like a gift from god. he looked so bad. i mean, i didn't even recognize him. there were three guys in the picture, and none of them looked even a little bit good. they were just so average looking. but in a bad way.

i have to be honest...i wanted to contact him just so he could see how good i looked. but then i would have to talk to him. and that just wouldn't even be worth it. to me.

i also looked up this guy i sort of dated in my early twenties. he didn't have a picture. i friended him. just so he could see how good i look. and also because maybe HE was the missed chance. i kind of hope not, but maybe...

then i looked up this other guy. i kind of dated him for like a minute when i was sixteen or so. i use the term "dated" loosely here. he was a good person. i'm pretty sure he wasn't the missed chance. he actually looked good. i was really curious about what happened to him. i was actually quite fond of him.

despite the unexpected ego boost, this whole endeavor was not quite as satisfactory as you might think.

i guess it's true that love is like a bottle of gin, but a bottle of gin is not like love.

the point being that this self-indulgent (destructive?) behavior, while a temporary distraction from reality, was a poor substitute for actual interaction. the other point is that if anyone missed a chance...it was them. and not me.

i'm young(ish). i'll get another chance. an that's the one i'm concerned with now. not missing the one that's coming. i want to believe that it is coming.

until then i'll just be sitting here...listening to 69 love songs...eating apples with almond butter that i made myself...and typing this blog...

which i PROMISE is going to be about something other than relationships soon...i'm starting to bore even myself...suggestions are welcome...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

fucking computers

now that i have a computer again, i will be able to blog way more. especially since i don't have a television. there's nothing to do other than work at this apartment. and i have to take a break sometime.

plus it's lonely here. like right now i'm sitting in my couchless living room in my pajamas eating green curry. and the worst part is, the curry is really excellent. it has thai eggplants AND bitter melons. my favorite. i wish there were someone else here so that we could talk about how good this particular curry is, but there's not. but...thanks to the internets i can share with everyone. although no one answers, so the conversation is quite one-sided.

anyway...a story from today...

i think, no...i KNOW that i have mentioned before how i have really bad energy when it comes to computers. i mean, my last one basically committed suicide on me and it appears that my brand new one hates me just as much.

in fact, it hates me so much that it locked me out of windows even though i had the password. the RIGHT password. i know it was right because...well because i know. and because it allowed me to log in one time using that password and then not again.

so i spent like an hour chatting with some guy in india on the hp online tech support. he kept telling me "not to worry, not to worry...i can help you with this". and he did. but there was something of a language barrier. he would tell me to access a certain menu, but it looked totally different than he described it. and i would be like "it looks like this, not that" and he would be like "no, that's great!"

sigh.

he was really nice though. and the problem was solved. after i had to "drastically restore" my hard drive or whatever. which basically meant that i had to go in and manually reset everything so that computer would clear out and reinstall.

computer...you might hate me, but i love you.

seriously. it is a really big laptop. just like i like. because everybody knows that size matters. a lot.

computer, soon you will have stata 11. and then everything will be great...you'll see. we're going to have such grand times. just wait until you meet data. you all will get along so well.

i'm going to leave you all with an entirely unrelated note. shakira... could one girl be more fine? seriously. i liked her better before she lost weight, but still... i just saw the video for "loba" and the ONLY thing i can say is...goddamn. it's ridiculous how hot she is. and how flexible.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

melon ballin'


i got my new laptop today. so to celebrate i am writing what is simultaneously the dirtiest and most special blog ever.


the events i am about to describe to you are true. i asked the guilty party if i could write about this, because this has to be one of the funniest stories ever. at first he was reluctant. but this person is a true friend and given my severe depression the past few days he said that if it made me happy write about this then i should go ahead.


picture it....balsam nc...2003...


i was living in the middle of nowhere with a roommate who shall remain nameless, although you all can probably easily guess who it was. especially when you hear the story.


i have to preface this story with the fact that this was like the most boring place ever to live. we couldn't afford cable (or heat when winter came) so we had to entertain ourselves. i don't know how big of a role boredom played in the events i am about to describe to you, but it does provide context.


so i came home one day and i spy a watermelon sitting way up in the yard by the edge of the woods. which was odd.


i went in the house and asked my roommate why the watermelon was there and where it came from. he said he surely didn't know what i was talking about.


but i was undeterred. seriously. the watermelon wasn't there when i went to work. so where did it come from? who put it there? and wasn't he just a little bit curious about it?


slightly annoyed, he told me that i shouldn't waste my energy worrying about something irrelevant. it didn't matter where it came from. a non-issue.


so i let it go.


and i kind of forgot about that watermelon. a couple of weeks later we were at work (the roommate and i). the conversation turned to porn, as they often do in restaurants. so said roommate mentions that it just so happens that he had recently seen a porn involving two very good looking guys and a certain fruit. in fact, the very same fruit that mysteriously showed up discarded on the edge of our yard a couple of weeks prior to this conversation.


the watermelon.

all of the sudden it all made a whole lot of sense. and it was one of the few times when my jaw dropped in shock.


fill in the blanks yourself. you see it turns out that my roommate was curious about the watermelon. just not about how it got into our yard...


oh yes.
 
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