Monday, July 27, 2009

he said 'it's all in your head'....

and i said 'so's everything,' but he didn't get it...

so i'm really making the effort to get out of my own head and into things that are happening right now. mostly because, well, i have to. i think academia is wrong for me in this sense, because all you do is go around in your own head all the time. i've just been so down lately. but that's not getting me anywhere.



i should be super hype. i've been letting things prevent me from enjoying this. i mean i get to go and spend a few days away from everything. i don't have to work in the kitchen. all i have to do i look at apartments.

i know what i'm going to do. i am going to eat at the royal orchid. THAT is something i am looking forward to. green curry tofu. and nam tok. maybe even some thai tea. might as well eat some sugar on vacay.

this is going to be fun. i'm just going to keep telling myself that. even if i have to go it alone. at least i don't have to listen to someone else's shit. above is roughly where i'm going to be living.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

the many moods of nina myers

wow. so yesterday's post was way depressing. i realize this upon rereading it. i'm not really as severely unhappy as i am just really down. well, not so much down as really filled with a feeling of utter chaos. which i cannot stand. it is infinitely stressful to me. i feel like i have no control over anything in my life right now. it isn't pleasant.

i just want to sleep all the time. i slept for like 10 hours last night. then i got up and ate and showered and went back to sleep. the fact that i have work to do is the only thing that is keeping me from going back to sleep again.

i'm sure it doesn't help to wake up and watch lifetime movies first thing in the morning. i can't help it though. they're just so fabulous. this morning it was "not her life." it was about this woman who finds out that the handsome doctor she thinks is her husband is really just some crazy mofo that has been telling her that she has amnesia, while suppressing her memories with some hybrid schizophrenia medication that he tells her is for a heart condition that she doesn't remember she has.

yeah. it was intense.

last weekend it was a flick called "the cheaters club." this was about a group of women who are in unhappy marriages and their mutual therapist engages in some highly unconventional group therapy in which the women are encouraged to have affairs. because this is lifetime, this modern twist on the ladies sewing circle can't end happily. some people get offed. but they figure it all out in the end...i won't spoil it for you.

one good thing did happen today. i found out i can listen to "the many moods of ben vaughn" on the internets. this is my favorite radio show. they used to play it every friday night at 6 on wevl in memphis. i used to always time my trip home from the office/take out dinner break/random trip to anywhere by this show.

if you've never listened to are musical idiot and i feel sorry for you. actually, they only broadcast it in memphis and like one other radio station, so it's probably not your fault. you can listen to it here . he has the most impeccable taste and plays everything you could ever possibly want to hear. it's like someone took the most awesome record collection in the world and just started playing random tunes. but they all flow really beautifully within the span of an hour, so it isn't really random. he is truly a genius.

that is all. i go to california on tuesday. wish me luck on finding a place.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

the sea inside

so i'm drowning internally. i can honestly say that i am freaking out. this whole moving out west thing has me totally bugging.

i am so scared. most of the time i have NO idea why i thought i could do this. and people want to talk about my plans like all the time. people i haven't seen for a while. customers at work. my parents friends. and so on and so on. so i have to put on this facade of how excited i am, when actually i'm pretty terrified. i mean, would it really by that sad to just stay at my parents house forever? ( pretty much would)

what else...what else... oh yeah... a good 95% of the time i'm not sure why i'm getting a phd. i mean i know why i want to get it. but i mean me get a phd? i'm just not smart enough. seriously. i'm actually not smart at all. i've just read a whole lotta stuff. it doesn't come natural to me. i have to work at it CONSTANTLY. so on most days i just feel like i'm living a lie. but the only one who knows it is me.

the other 5% of the time i feel a sense of validation, knowing that i'm secretly sticking to the people that though i was was such a fuck up that i would be dead by the time i was 20. i believed them too. i didn't expect to live this long. now i'm kind of at a loss. so when people ask if my parents must be so proud, i'm always thinking in the back of my mind that they're just glad i'm still here. anything i did would be pretty much awesome as far as they are concerned.

the truth is...i am a total fuck up. emotionally for sure. it takes some people longer than others to realize this. i dread the disappointment that follows when they do. constantly.

and when i get stressed...i start internalizing. BIG TIME. i am hyper-sensitive right now. and i am getting super bogged down in other people's negative emotions. every bad vibe. every bad mood. all the sadness. everything. and it wears me down. and i cry a lot. because i feel like everything is directed at me. even though i do in fact know that it's not about me all the time.

it's so weird, i didn't cry in front of anyone for like eight years. now i can't stop.

i am severely unhappy right now. and very isolated. true to my selfish self, it is during these times that i most wish i was married or whatever. i so envy people that at least get to move with one other person. because you have that person to talk to and hang out with and help you do things like run errands and pay bills...

and most of all tell you everything is going to be all right. that is all i want. for someone to tell me that everything is going to be all right. or better yet, they could just make sure everything is all right. i'm absolutely mad about people who take care of things.

but sadly, i know full well that the only way things are going to be all right is if i make them that way. by sheer force of will. that's why i'm still here. because everday (and it is literally one day at a time for me) i make the choice to keep on going.

on the up side...breakfast in bed with 90210 comes on tomorrow. the highlight of my week. it makes me really excited about california.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

let go and let...who?

so you know i'm stressed if i'm blogging more than once a day. for serious. i haven't blogged this much since i was writing thesis.

still trying to work out this loan thing. i had just reconciled the idea of moving and was really getting excited about looking at apartments. if these loans DON'T come i was assured that they would (i cannon reiterate this point enough)...then i can't move. i just can't afford it. if this happens, i am done with academia. for good. because this is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS.
and let me just express that i will be utterly inconsolable.

i will be a thirty year old living with her parents. a spinster.

my horoscope for today said:

Take care of the small stuff, and the bigger stuff will seem to take care of itself.

it seems that hope springs eternal...

i so admire people who do things

said the stranger on the train to the man in the unhappy marriage. this is how the classic hitchcock movie begins.

i don't admire people who do things generally speaking, but i especially admire people who do things without anxiety. mostly because i am not one of those people. not even close.

so the other day i mentioned the one good thing that happened was that my financial aid stuff was sorted. well... turns put my precursory reading of the information on my way out the door had me thinking that the loan stuff was taken care of. not so.

because i am ocd and have to check everything like a thousand times, i was rereading the financial aid stuff again and as it turns out, there are no loans included. loans that i applied for. loans that are essential to my being able to move. loans that the financial aid office assured me that i could get when i was in the process of accepting the fellowship offer.

deep breath. i am trying to stay very calm. but this really doesn't make me feel good AT ALL about getting on a plane this week to apartment hunt, when i have no idea what is going to happen.

woe to me.

it's the end of the world as we know it...

or not, as the case may be. tb had me all hyped for the end times, or at least the beginning of the end, but goddamn it...we're still here. and it's business as usual.

i have been especially productive. trying to get with the fact that i'm moving and the fact that i'm going to cali next week to find a place. i have spent the morning setting up apartment appointments. or at least making the appropriate overtures to get the appointments.

then it's paper, paper, paper. which shouldn't really be that bad, considering that it is already pretty much written. but revising and editing is hard for me. especially with my desire for unobtainable perfection. i keep changing/rearranging/etc.

the only bad side to this productivity is that i've had to forsake financial productivity to obtain it. i hate turning down the chance to make money. especially since i need money desperately. but i also have to invest in my future, so whatevs.

again...let me express my utter disappointment at the failure of the eclipse to induce the total armageddon necessary to prevent me from having to take positive steps towards my future.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

beginning of the end of times: update

so it turns out that the eclipse happens at like midnight our time. i was supposed to spend this troubled time with tb, but i'm working on paper stuff, so i can't. i just have to hope that if apocalypse starts, i get to see tb one last time and that we survive to rebuild the human race. although if it were up to us the human race might die out, because we don't really like people or dig children all that much. but then again, in those circumstances we might feel will be interesting to see what happens...

and on an unrelated (and purely hypothetical note), if someone has replaced creamer with a combination of ameretto and baily's in their iced coffee, does that make said person an alcoholic? just something to think about...

the beginning of the end of times

on the telephone... yesterday apx 8:34pm...

tb: hey girl... i don't want to stress you out, bu-

me: what? what? WHAT?!?!

tb: so the eclipse on wednesday... supposedly every time for the last 200years that there has been an eclipse of this type and saturn has gone into virgo...there have been world wars and disasters of all types...

me: {sigh} how is that NOT supposed to stress me out?

tb: it is supposed to stress you out... i just though you might like to come and spend the day of disaster with me...

me: and i thought the world wasn't going to end until 2012? now you're telling me it's on wednesday? WHAT THE FUCK?

tb: it isn't ending until 2012...this is like the beginning of the end...

FUCK. this is really all i need. to worry about and to happen. because dig this, we don't even get to see the eclipse. it will only be visible in asia.

it's like one thing after another lately. global armageddon would be a welcome distraction. or it would be if i wasn't going to be in california next week. like i want to get on a plane, which seem to be just falling out of the sky lately, and fly to a place that is supposed to fall into the ocean at any second now.

on top of all this, i went to the dmv today to renew my license and their computer was broken so they weren't issuing any licenses. which means i'm driving around praying i don't get pulled over.

one good thing happened. my financial aid award came in today. i didn't get the actual money, but i will get the money. this is a massive relief. i have been secretly dreading something being fucked up with my financial aid and not being able to live in cali and ending up going out there and having to trick for rent in west hollywood. not even having enough money to get back to the east coast. but now that is less likely to occur.

although i have to say the debt i am going to be in is sickening. so i'm just not going to think about that right now.

because to top off, academia and that kind of work in general is starting to feel like a prison to me. my only hate has sprung from my only love...

meh. more to follow, if the world doesn't end tomorrow.

Monday, July 20, 2009

happy 30th birthday blog...

forty years ago today man allegedly took his first steps on the moon. i say allegedly because there is compelling evidence that this whole thing was faked so we could stick it to the russians. but then there is the fact that walter cronkite reported on this story and he wouldn't lie us, would he?

this is all neither here nor there. thirty years ago to this day...i was born.

so far...thirty is lame. everybody keeps telling me that thirty is the new twenty. i don't know if that is supposed to make me feel better or worse. i do know that most of the people that told me this are older than me. and that is mostly what i feel... old. i think i am officially a spinster now. BUT...on the bright side, people keep telling me i don't look thirty, which is good enough for me.

props to everybody that has helped me celebrate. my sister lauren threw me a party on saturday night. with a disco theme. it was righteous. we ate filet (that my other sister brought) and a lotta carbs. that's really what this birthday has been about...a three day long carb extravaganza. my mother made me at trifle. and my boss gave me a piece of raspberry chocolate-ganache cake.

i wish i had some super illuminating reflective thoughts for the day, but mostly i feel as do ever other day. one day closer to death. my main question, right now is not so much where did the last thirty years go, but where did the month of july go? i've gotten so little accomplished that i needed to...both in my life and in the past month.

and not to dwell on the relationship thing, but i can say that i did think that i would be married by now. but i didn't think i would be getting my phd, so guess it evens out. the word for today on my merriam-webster email was "adjust." touche random computer generated message...touche.

i'll leave you with the picture of me drinking moonshine to celebrate thirty long years on this planet...what can i say? that's how we roll in deliverance...

Friday, July 17, 2009

didn't we almost have it all?

to revisit a question of love and the like... i used to do this quite often on this blog, but then i decided that love and relationships are, at best, a total drag. in fact, right now i'm glad to be single, cause if i had to deal with someone else's stuff right now, i might snap.

but here's something to think about... i was chatting with a couple of people the other night about this and that.. girl talk, you know? and we were pondering whether compatibility exists simultaneously in the areas of sex AND personality. can you be good at both?

think about it... some of the best sex ever has been with people that i didn't really like at all. either they were bad people. or they treated me bad. or they just bored me. i'm sure i'm not alone in this.

and then what about those people with whom you vibe with really well, but the sex is terrible. i mean awful in the sense that no matter what, it's just never going to be that good. total sexual incomaptibility. or maybe not even total incompatibility. maybe they're just boring. or they are so clueless that it's just awful.

all of you readers are aware that bad sex is a deal breaker for me. i just...can't. sorry, but i'm shallow like that. but should this be enough to write someone off alltogether? every relationship requires compromise. but does it have to be in the bedroom?

for me, bad sex is enough to make me reeveauate the person entirely. if this area is poor, it is going to change how i think about you. for the worse.

but is there no middle ground? is too much to ask to have both? shockingly, i was on the optimistic side of this debate. i think you can find both in one person.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

an afternoon at the lake

so i haven't been myself lately. at all. i mean i've been completely out of sorts and out of pocket. so today tb and i went to the lake, like we've been trying to do for like weeks now.

seriously. i soon as i got in the water, i felt like a thousand times better. and it dawned on me that i've probably just been all dried out. i'm a cancer. which is a water sign. which means i'm ruled by water. i need it. i think that working in a kitchen that is roughly 120 degrees (no lie) all day is totally frying me. and i've been putting a whiole lotta pressure on myself with this paper i've been writing. heat+stress--> i dry out like a crab in the sun.

it was a very good day. tb mostly sat on the shore while i spent the whole time in the water. on the way back, i made tb stop at the roadside tienda and i got some mexican cokes. then i had a bacon cheeseburger for dinner. it was awesome.

i feel totally back in balance.

on a couple of unrelated notes... you might have noticed that i have been posting a lot of pictures lately. even of myself. first of all, i am slowly mastering technology. second. i'm trying to like the way i look (which i really, really don't) and posting pictures is my way of just kind of getting over that.

also, i made an appointment to get my tattoo today. august 3. at four. can't wait. this is my way of showing i can commit to...something.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

lazing on a sunday afternoon

i fucking wish.
today started with a meeting of minds of the blogging persuasion.directly above, you can see myself and carrie (from add your light to mine) poppin' bottles at brunch this morning. i could only have a splash though, as i have to work all day.

which brings me more afternoon fucking delight with data.

i am also really sad today and my emotions are in total chaos. could be the lunar cycle. could be deep-seated psychological issues like schizophrenia rising to the surface. actually, i think i am past the point of schizophrenic emergence, but it's still something i think about. something to consider.

seriously, though, i feel completely out of control, which is not a feeling i am comfortable with. if i am about anything, it is the control of every detail no matter how large or small. and i don't like people to see my emotions. and right now, if you spoke with me, who knows what you're gonna get.

well i'm off to do it. data-style.

Friday, July 10, 2009

you win again....


enough about that. the theme for the day is as follows... it's my blog and i'll sulk if i want to. i'm just out of sorts today. the following are issues:

1. i have no money.
2. i am exhausted.
3. i have a headache.
4. i am surrounded by alpha-males. or at least males vying for the spot of alpha-male and i get stuck in the middle of it.
5. data drama. (otherwise known as a hell of my own making)
6. i turn thirty in just a little over a week.

number one. i hate worrying about money. i could do without it to be honest. but i also hate not being able to pay rent or eat. i'm just not that good at letting go of material attachments. i want be, but i'm not. probably because i've never actually had to let go of them, so the thought freaks me out.

numbers 2 and 3...i just don't feel well today. i am fucking exhausted. my head hurts. and i think i'm having hot flashes. so uncomfortable.

four. seriously. i think it is my lot in life to be stuck in the midst of socially maladjusted alpha-males. it is exhausting. i am being constantly challenged. and i mean over EVERYTHING. i don't want to be in charge. but none of them can be trusted to be in charge either. except the few that actually are alpha-males. which doesn't mean proving that you are right about every single thing. it means projecting the vibe that you are in charge and everything is under control. no worries. i know only a handful of people like this.

five. i don't want to talk about it. the relationship between data and i has gone way sour. it realize i have only myself to blame. and there's no way out of this relationship. actually, i don't want out. i want it to work out. so...there you go... it's just frustrating.

six. fuck me...i'm old.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

tofu time...

i am ruled by cravings. i go from one super intense yearning to another. some i indulge, some i do not. it's a rare event when i get a craving for something that is healthy. usually i just get intense cravings for vices like cigarettes, blow (just being honest...some cravings NEVER go away, no matter how long it's been), or red meat.

yesterday, however, i had the urge for something healthy... tofu. actually the craving started with pesto. but i don't really do pasta, so i had to find some other way to have it. so i marinated/roasted some tofu, made some pesto with the basil that exploded in my mother's garden, and presto. pesto.

here's a picture....jealous? well you fucking should be....but don't despair, i can cook this delicious meal for you...

Sunday, July 5, 2009

she's a yankee doodle sweetheart...

i realize that usually i just rag on america, if i take the time to mention it at all in this blog. but all of these programs on the history channel filled me with a rare and random burst of patriotism. so i celebrated in a way that would make the founding fathers proud. with pyrotechnics, red meat, and beer. my sister, who chose to forgo the red meat in favor of a veggie brat (fucking communist), had a party so we hung out and got all kinds of patriotic with the mexican neighbors (they had way better fireworks than us). it looked a little something like this...if you will note we are drinking domestic beer. miller light and yuengling, respectively. god bless the usa.

Friday, July 3, 2009

what happened, america?

would you believe that the founding fathers smoked ganja and got freaky like all the time?

well believe that shit.

i've been watching a show on the history channel that filled me in on a whole lotta details concerning our founding fathers that you NEVER learn in history class. first of all, their womanizing made kennedy look like the unfuckable cyber geek at the bar that you feel super sorry for, but refuse to make eye contact with because you know if you do he'll never leave you alone and just want to talk your ear off about world of warcraft. trust me, kennedy wouldn't have been able to hang with the founding fathers.

they had wild parties and basically got down in general. rock star type shit. don't believe me? well check it...

this is just one example. apparently ben franklin was twice as wild. the show i was watching likned this all to freemasonry some how, but i didn't fully catch that part.

but this isn't what made the founding fathers revolutionary. all morning i've been writing a paper and listening to the history channel's back to back episodes of "the revolution" (or something like that), which provides a play by play account of the ENTIRE revolutionary war. it was way harsh. battle of trenton, anyone?

basically it's like did we go from a nation that was brazen enough to tell the british empire to let us be free to me you and me or go fuck itself into a nation where, on a good day, i feel that we are a heartbeat away from government instituted morality police beating down our doors for having sex outside the missionary position.

seriously. and there was no getting out of fighting in the revolution. you weren't going to get a pass because your daddy was rich. and if you did, you sure as hell weren't going to be president. w, i'm talking to you.

anyway, to much caffiene has undoubtedly made this a rambling blog. but...i would like to leave you with a final thought...if the founding fathers were around today, they most assuredly would NOT be kicking it with the republican party. and they would probably be pretty ashamed of us all around. time to buck up, america. let's get it together.

happy fourth.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

(alpha) doggie-style

i've worked in restaurants (on and off) for roughly a decade now. i've waited tables, washed dishes, hostessed, bussed, tended name it. the only job i never did was work in the kitchen. which is what i'm doing now.

even though i HATE people...i prefer front of the house. i can fucking run shit out front. NO PROBLEM. all you have to do is look good, smell nice, put on a smile, and act like you care. so simple. the kitchen is actual work. it is probably the hardest thing i've ever done.

don't get me wrong...i actually like the work. i could prep veggies and make things all the day long. but trying to do that and remember like a trillion other things at one time during the busiest week of the summer is ridiculous. and i hate being slow at things. and i hate slowing other people down because i'm slow. and i have like zero short term memory. so you can say a list of things to me, but i can't remember it for longer than .25 seconds.

oh...and i'm stuck between 2-3 males all attempting to prove that THEY are the kitchen alpha-dog for like five hours at a time. this doesn't include the chef, whom i've known for like 10 years and is one of my favorite people ever. he doesn't have to constantly assert his alpha-dogness as he just is the alpha-dog. end of story.

the other boys, however...

i could care less, really. who cares who knows the best way to open a jar? i just want it open.

i don't want to be the alpha-dog. i'm just trying to make it through the day without losing a finger (i have to use really big knives) or burning myself too horribly.

oh...and you think i have a dirty mind? you ain't seen nothing. all i hear is sex, sex, sex, sports all day. in that order. which, admittedly, is very entertaining. although it is poisoning my mind. i may never date again. of course this might be because i'm constantly hearing about how awesome it is to cum on girls' faces without warning. yes ladies...there are no accidents. so don't believe him when he says he didn't do it on purpose.

offended? well good thing you aren't me because this is about the most vanilla thing i get to hear all day...

but i wouldn't want it any other way. i know that no matter how far i come professionally, there are still people that treat me the same no matter what. i could get ten phd's and nothing would change. least someone was kind enough to give me job. and i really, really appreciate it. you know who you are.

in the mean time i just want to finish this paper so i can go back to binge drinking and smoking cigarettes with t button.
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