Tuesday, March 31, 2009

hello sugar my old friend

stress break #10,987.

when push comes to shove you go back to what you know. hello venti caramel macchiato. so delicious. hello fast food. so satisfying.

on an uplifting note, someone brought me that hot tea today. thanks lindsay. i didn't get a chance to say thanks today.

and thank you maggie, again. that thing you sent me made it possible for me to keep on keepin' on. and it made me smile for like the only time today.

back to work. the little thesis that could.

re: thesis

I FUCKING QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it just feels good to say, ya know? i hand in a draft of this fucking thing at 8:00 am. i do not know if what i have is in any way, shape or form defensible. i may have to be here all night. after which i will go home and go to sleep. and when i awaken...i shall get fucking drunk. i mean drunk like i used to get before i developed the small measure of self-control that i do have.

i feel like i'm twittering instead of blogging at this point. even though i don't really understand what twittering is. i think it is where you basically describe your life second by second. if i did that right now, i would sound INSANE. like more than i already do.

re: thesis


how i would love to say those words out loud. i am so stuck and i don't know the answer. and i don't know what to do. the only reason i stopped to write this is because if i don't i will have a panic attack and there's just no time for that.

surely there has to be a better way than this. surely i am qualified to do something else. oh wait... i'm in a super ridiculous amount of debt.

debt. the first step back into slavery.

re: thesis

i fucking quit
actually i don't quit. but i just needed to say that. i really want to though. like more than anything else in the world right now. i don't know what i am doing wrong. but i am unable to do this.

and i feel terrible. about my work. about myself. i can't stop crying. it's turning me into a bore. i mean like a totally self-centered person that only cares to speak about their own misery.

and i am terrified. of not graduating. of failing at something i've worked so hard at. because right now, i am a failure. a complete and utter failure.

all i want to do is walk out the door and never come back. i don't want to read any more books. i don't want to write any more pages. i don't want to answer any more questions.

thanks to maggie. again. for sending me the most awesome thing ever. i mean EVER.

back to work...

Monday, March 30, 2009

there's no place like home

stress break #2
so my computer is fixed. i haven't been able to use my computer since thursday. so have been desk hopping and i cannot even describe the sense of relief i felt when i sat in my chair and began to work. i would say that at the very least, 85% of my anxiety vanished instantly. it is so nice to have my old view back. i can sit here next to my mickey avalon picture and my judith butler flyer (which are two things that are so contradictory that they probably shouldn't even share the same wall space) and look at my national geographic ocean calender and stare at my book shelf.

and it feels fucking great.

it also feels great to eat mcdonald's for dinner. again. since my skinny jeans are now falling off of me, i figure, hey..why not? as soon as thesis is out of the way i can go back to no carbs.

breathing underwater

stress break.
i'm drowning. in thesis. i need help and no one can help me. i don't know what i'm doing. i have come to the conclusion that it isn't so much that i am not smart enough, but i am just not at the level to do what is being asked of me. maybe one day i will be, but it ain't this fucking day that's for sure. the people who work on this theory aren't even able to move beyond their own flaws and they write books and build careers on this shit. i'm hungry, but there's no time to eat. i'm tired, but there's no time to sleep. i want someone to tell me that it is ok, but there isn't anyone to do that. i have never said this before, but i want my mother.

the guy at starbucks asked me how i was and started crying. just because someone was nice enough to ask how my day was and to sound like they actually cared about the answer.
ok...i didn't start crying but i had to walk away really quickly or i would have. and then i cried in my car.

shout out to everyone that has helped me out this week. the hardest part of the past two weeks has been the lack of contact with people that i know care about me. that will love me even if i fail. like my family. or thomas. i just don't have those people here. actually i do, but i haven't had time to see them.

still shout out to lindsay for bringing me cookies. thanks to emily for letting me stay at her house the other night to work. and to her fiance harry for taking my computer to fix. thanks to maggie for talking to me everyday. and jill.

i don't think things are supposed to be this way. my advice to people is to not invest yourself too heavily in one thing. different baskets for different eggs, as they say. i just don't have any baskets other than work. and it is breaking my heart right now that i am failing at the one thing i have come to like about myself.

back to work.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

they say you ain't grindin' until you're tired

so i'm grindin' with my eyes wide.
but i still haven't found a way through the day OR a light for the night.

i'm wondering at this point how worth it this even is. am i killing my self over something i just can't do? or so i just think i can't do it and that is blocking me? i don't know.

i do know that i haven't had a full on panic attack in over two years until this morning. i do know i feel like i'm suffocating. i do know that can't eat or sleep. and on top of all those things, mother nature came to call and now my hormones are interacting with the stress to create this insane mindset. lots o' tears. this may be too much info, but fuck...it's my blog.

no matter how far i come, deep down i am still a total fuck up. i just can't ever seem to follow through. i get to the end of something and i just can't do it. but this time i'm really, really trying. but just don't know if the way i feel about myself right now is worth it. it is breaking me.

and here we go again with the relationship stuff. moliere said that marriage (insert relationship if you like) is like a cage. those on the outside want to get in and those on the inside want to get out. the stress is making me want to get in and lock the door. right now there isn't anything i wouldn't give to have someone to go home to. or at least give me a hug. or encouragement. or something.

but i know it is the stress talking. i really don't function well in relationships AT ALL.
i honestly think that i could handle everything else if just weren't so alone. i work all day in the office alone. and then i go home. alone. i hate people, bu the lack of human contact is really the most discouraging thing of all.

really i would settle for being closer to my family. i feel so isolated right now. and it is making me question how badly i want to continue this isolation by moving across the country alone.

i am SO not a night person

still at it. thesis that is. wanna talk neuroses? no?
well too bad. cause we're going to anyway.

so i think i already mentioned that my office computer caught a bug and was taken away by the tech support people to god knows where. luckily it is the weekend and my officemate isn't here, so i can use her computer to work on thesis. but it is REALLY difficult to work at this desk because...well because i am slightly ocd and i just can't deal with deviation. i feel really out of sorts over here. it makes it hard to concentrate. because i have that nagging feeling that something is slightly off.

let them eat cake...
on an unrelated neuroses note...i have taken to eating carbs as my stress levels rise. for real. if you could graph the relationship between stress and carb consumption it would be a perfect 45 degree angle line. the way i see it, since i just tried on a dress last night that i hadn't worn since i was sixteen, then i can have cake for dinner if i want to.
i can also see my ribs when i take my clothes off.
this pleases me greatly.

must try to work more. i can barely see straight at this point.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

omg i'm so tragic

dig my cyber speak?

so i've been sitting in this really uncomfortable chair all day trying to accomplish the seemingly impossible task of finishing this fucking thesis. so i can be done with it for good. and my back started hurting really bad and i thought i would lay down on the floor of my office and put my feet on the chair to elongate my spine.

and i fell asleep. I FUCKING FELL ASLEEP ON MY OFFICE FLOOR. for like 30 minutes.

is this what it's come to? me falling asleep on the dirty floor of my office? how sad am i. thank god it's saturday and there isn't anybody here.

on the other hand...it's saturday and there isn't anybody here. this is no good. maybe it's time for more coffee...

it's all in the stars

welcome to my mid-morning stress break. i though i would share my horoscope from yesterday:

Your smart mouth might get the better of you today, but that doesn't mean that you should keep it shut! Sometimes you need to speak uncomfortable truths just to get them out there in the world.
it's true. that i have a smart mouth. i just can't help myself. i didn't really have any human contact yesterday, otherwise i guess things might have gotten ill. actually things did get slightly ill. but as my horoscope indicates, i neither can nor did keep my mouth shut. it's not worth getting into.

i have come to accept that i am a totally reactive, rather than proactive, person. i see red A LOT. actually i don't see red a lot, because i let most things go. but if i can't let it go, there's no in between. i am just blinded with extreme emotion. i feel things really intensely. vibes and the like. it's why i don't like crowds. i can feel everything from the other people in the room. this is why i am really particular also about who touches me. i can't take bad energy. or even erratic energy. it makes me physically ill.

i also internalize other people's emotions. if people tell me something sad or upsetting or i can tell that they are, it ruins my day. especially if it is someone i really care about. fuck...even if i just see disturbing pictures. or i read some sad celebrity gossips (ie natasha richardson). i feel all of that pain.

i wish that i could stop feeling so much. i think it has a lot to do with why i spent years self-medicating. that and the ocd stuff.

back to work.

Friday, March 27, 2009

how selfish i truly am

i need a few things right now. i need a drink and joint and a hug and some hot tea. i mentioned in a previous blog how i wished i had a significant other, but only so they could bring me things i wanted because i don't have time to leave this office. the same goes now.

right now i wish i had a boyfriend. but only so he could bring me the tea and console me in my utter devastation that is thesis. and tell me that it's ok that i am am apparently unable to accomplish simple tasks without it turning into a huge fucking deal. and to tell me i'm pretty and that even if i quit school right now everything would be ok.

in short, i'm like the atheist who only needs god when something goes horribly wrong. i only need love when i have none left for myself. which is undoubtedly why i deserve to be single.

and apparently i AM so boring that i am writing about love again. i really just did so to stop panicking long enough to concentrate on trying to fix something that may not be fixable.

red alert red alert it's a catastrophe

so i really just go from one intensely anxiety ridden situation to the next. one thing resolves itself and then the next thing comes up. yes. i am one of those people that constantly thinks they left the stove on. which is no joke. i keep catching myself wanting to go back to my apartment and make sure it is off. the more stressful other things become, the worse this gets.

or i keep thinking that i left the windows down in my car. so i have to go check that. or that i've lost {insert really(but not really) important item here}. and i have no peace until i locate that thing.

right now i am so close to being able to break it off with thesis once and for all. we're getting divorced really soon. no trial separation. fucking divorced. but at the same time i am totally adrift in thesis land. to the point that it doesn't really make sense to me any more. and i can't figure out how to get ms word (and you know how i feel about window programs) to do what i want so i can format my graphs and table properly. and my computer caught a bug so i have to use my officemate's computer and the difference in perspective between sitting at my desk and sitting at hers is really freaking me out and keeping me from being as productive as i should.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

full catastrophe living

i know that i should be working on thesis, but i had to get this out. all y'all faithful readers know that i just got into school in california. where i have always wanted to live. and was my preferred school. and they're giving me money. sounds good, right?

so i talk to mother, whom i love more than anything (seriously), on the phone a minute ago. and she took the opportunity to remind me that with each passing day, the chances of "the big one," as the big earthquake, increases in california. and that when i visit the school in a couple of weeks i need to make sure to ask if the building are reinforced to withstand earthquakes safely.

i am not asking this.

when people wonder why i am a paranoid hypochondriac who operates in worse case scenario mode, i would have to point them towards examples like these. apparently, to my mother, moving back in with my parents and staying there forever is preferable to taking a fellowship.

i know it comes from a place of love, but.....meh.


warhol's sense of smell

just so you know that your girl hasn't gone all boring on you with the incessant relationship posts, today is actually worth reading...though no less self-indulgent...

andy warhol wrote part of a chapter in his "philosophy of andy warhol: from a to b and back again" about the connection between memory and scent. he used to wear certain perfumes for short periods of time and then just stop. he would keep the perfume though and from time to time open the bottle and remember things that he experienced at that time period. nostalgia in a bottle. controlled nostalgia. he would decide what he was in the mood to remember and then revisit it. i agree about the smell thing. sometimes i'll smell someone/thing and it makes me think of a very specific thing. at times, i can't remember and it just drives me crazy.

i would argue that, at least for me, music is the same. there are specific songs that i hear and i am immediately taken back to a very specific moment. occasionally it's a whole album. like the other day i downloaded the album "bradley nowell and friends" from itunes. i hadn't listened to this album in YEARS. but i would still place it in my top ten albums of all time. before sublime became synonymous with drunken frat boys, there was bradley nowell and his truly honest acoustic album.

this, however, is neither here nor there.

when i listen to this album i am taken back to a very specific summer during college. if grad school is coffee, sedatives, and birth control, then undergrad was cigarettes, bong hits, free love, and everything else in between.

about a decade ago (fuck me, i'm old) every morning i would wake up and go to my neighbor's and we would take bong hits, listen to this album, and eat cereal. then we would watch our stories. days of our lives, if you must know. those were good times.

i miss them. not enough to go back to that time period and do it again, but just the same...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

sugar daddies, cake boys, and eveyone in between...

when it comes to love (and i use the term loosely) my rules are simple and finite:

1. i don't fuck with married people.
2. and i don't fuck with people i work with.

the first one i've never broken, at least not that i know of. i think it is because, as jaded as i am, i still carry around this totally idealized picture of marriage. i want to think that if i ever got married(which i have a total phobia of) that it would be sacred vows i was taking. and also when it come using people as means to an end, it is always better to be using than being used. and fucking a married person is like fucking someone that you'll never be good enough for. same with addicts. you'll never be as important to them as the drug. same with the devout religious. if i'm with you, i wanna be bigger than jesus.

clearly, you all see by now that i require an enormous amount of attention. but trust me, i worth it. although...come to think of it, maybe i'm not since i'm perpetually single.

the second rule i made up along the way after much unpleasantness that doesn't bear repeating.

i have, however, always wondered what it would be like to date someone exceedingly wealthy. to have a sugar daddy. could i sacrifice the connection for unlimited comfort and things? i don't know, but i'm certainly willing to try.

however, i don't know if i really want a daddy, per say. old guys kind of creep me out. maybe a cake boy. i think the term cake boy used to be a slang for effeminate or gayish, but i've also heard it used to describe a younger version of a sugar daddy. that would be more preferable.

so if you're out there....

coffee, sedatives, and birth control

welcome to grad school. actually i can't take credit for that phrase. my super awesome office neighbor said it. but it totally fits.

coffee to stay awake. sedatives to keep from freaking the fuck out. and birth control for...well we all know what that's for...

i am trying to muddle through. failing spectacularly. battling emotions. trying to stay afloat as best i can.

on an unrelated note...information globalization is the cat's meow. i mean AWESOME. through the help of google analytics i can now see who reads this blog. i'm on to you. and i couldn't be happier. what up UK. what up france.

feel free to comment away. it makes me feel good. after all, this whole endeavor is premised on indulging my own vanity.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

you always have options

it's refreshing to know that even in this economy men are still the same suckers as they ever were. and that enterprising ladies with their minds on their money and their money on their minds can still be handsomely paid because of it.

check this article from msnbc. called "more women going from jobless to topless." at least if it doesn't work out with thesis and me, i still have options.

on the personal update, i just took a power nap on the floor of my office so i could stretch my back out. i didn't want to get up. i am so freaked out right now. but hey, if i can overcome my negative sense of balance enough to learn to pole dance, maybe things will be ok after all. cause really it's not the idea of being naked, but the idea of having to wear those shoes that freaks me out.

and i've dropped enough cash at strip clubs. my karma should be good.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

notes from the 9th circle

can't. go. on.

thesis is truly sucking the will to live right out of me. this is hell. the more i write, the more i need to write.

also i had to eat microwave popcorn for dinner, because i can't leave this place. and it is scary up here. and lonely.

usually i'm ok with being single. i know, i know... i wrote that really downer post about the futility of trying to fill the relationship criteria. believe it or not, i'm actually happier being alone then with two out of three.

but right now i do wish i had a significant other. but only so he could bring me some hot black tea from starbucks. actually i want the lavender earl grey from cafe ecclectic. with half and half. no sugar. and a salmon caesar sald from fresh slices. thanks.

i am in hell

sartre was more right than anyone has ever been about anything in the history of the world when he wrote the following passage:

So this is hell. I'd never have believed it. You remember all we were told about the torture-chambers, the fire and brimstone, the "burning marl." Old wive's tales! There's no need for red-hot pokers. HELL IS - OTHER PEOPLE!

Friday, March 20, 2009

bitter, party of one....part 2....

the more i think about it, the more i really do feel that present day societal, and dare i say it, cultural, norms are overly stifling on the relationship front. is it even realistic to want it all?

by "all" i mean i want the total relationship.

i want someone who loves me most of all. despite the fact that i will probably always love myself more than that person. i've really only ever loved one boyfriend more than i loved myself. and it turns out that, in the end, i didn't mean nothing at all to him. which is probably why i won't ever love anyone more than myself ever again.
but because they love me most of all, they should also want to see me happy even if what makes me happy to be by myself. i can't take clingy people. the thing is, when you are with the right person you pretty much want to be around them as much as you can.

if i wouldn't want to be friends with someone, then i surely don't want to date them. and by friends i mean they have to be worth talking to. smart and all that. i can't even bear to talk to stupid people, much less date one. and as we all know, this goes double for republicans.
in short, they should be someone that i actually want to be around.

and, being the progressive feminist that i am,
fuck what you heard about "relationships are more than just sex" and "the sex doesn't last, so you have to have something else to fall back on" and blah, blah, blah. if we are dating, the only thing i'm going to be replacing the sex that we no longer have with, is the sex that i have with someone else. now i know that sex isn't the only thing, but it is awfully important. maybe i have impossibly high standards as to what a relationship should be, but no matter how much i like a person, sex is a deal breaker. if it's no good, i'm out.
also, when if comes to the point that i can no longer bring myself to sleep with someone, then i know it's time to move on.

i'm beginning to think that finding one person that meets all of these criteria is not ever going to be happening. it seems like i can only have at best, two out of three. usually it's just 1. so, that being said, is it so wrong to just get those things separately from different people?

for example, i have thomas, who loves me most of all and i him (we still both love ourselves more than the other, but it's mutual so it works) and we are the best of friends, but the sex is not there. nor shall it ever be. but i get that boosted self-esteem thing from our relationship, so is it really so wrong to find someone just to fill the third criterion? i would say in this society it kind of is. at least it's been socialized into me that not only is it desirable to find all three things in one person, it is totally possible.

maybe am i just so over the hassle and the disappointments of dating that i would rather just not try anymore.

who knows, really. back to thesis. who, by the way, fills NONE of these criteria.

Monday, March 16, 2009

hey katy perry...your innuendo is showing...

1 a
: an oblique allusion : hint , insinuation ; especially : a veiled or equivocal reflection on character or reputation b: the use of such allusions innuendo>

discouraged/amused as ever about the serious lack of knowledge being spewed out of the mouths celebrities, and also feeling embittered and nauseous at the same time and trying desperately not to throw up the salad that i got for breakfast/lunch/dinner which DID NOT have the chicken on it that i ordered, for which i DID pay, i would like to point your attention to this quote of the day from katy perry...
on describing her style:
"It's Lucille Ball meets Bob Mackie," she said of her style. "It's about innuendo. I want everybody to get the joke, but I want them to think about it for a minute."


"It's the whole package," Katy said. "But people who want to tag along for the ride, they'll understand and they'll get the joke and they'll realize that I wrote the f******g joke."
(curtesy of omg)

now peep this (above.....fuck off, i still haven't mastered photo placement)...and this...

katy...um, just so you know camel toe and innuendo ARE NOT the same thing.

disclaimer- this is not a critique of her fashion choices, but on the incorrect usage of the word innuendo...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

so THIS is what a nervous breakdown feels like...

caveat: cb, it might be best for to disregard this entry entirely as it it clearly me feeling sorry for myself and this stress is supposed to be part of the process.

stress break time. i'm in the shit, as the used to say in nam. my body has resorted physically rejecting stress. i can't keep any food down. i can't sleep. but i can't stay awake either. i can't concentrate. and i have the shakes like a heron junkie. my mind is going like a million miles a minute, but i can't concentrate on any one thing. there are just too many things. and i want every word to be perfect.

must. keep. writing.

(yes, i am exaggerating for dramatic effect. but seriously, i am hella stressed. believe that shit)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

happy Pi day!

that's right. pi day. because our congress doesn't have anything better to do than designate a holiday for a number. all hating aside, it is pretty cool. the vanity project totally digs pi, recognizing it as the most delicious number.

“I’m kind of geeked up about it,” Rep. Brian Baird (D-Wash.) told POLITICO.

so am i. apparently, though, not everybody shares the excitement. the vote was 391-10. apparently some members of congress are number hating bastards. i mean, who's dickish enough to vote against national pi day? if you're not even going to try to fix the economy, then don't we deserve to have some reason to celebrate in these trying times?

Friday, March 13, 2009

california soul

how does a girl get with it?

my whole life i have known that i was supposed to be in california. in the sunshine. and now it shall be so.

yes. i am taking it on out west, ya'll. manifest destiny to the max. if everything goes right and thesis and i don't kill each other in a crime of passion that, is.

i don't think anyone in california reads this blog, but if you do, feel free to input. and crime doesn't scare me. at all. to give an example of how awful it is where i live now, when i read that 10 people were murdered in the town where i will be living, my reaction was "only 10 people? that's so good! what a great place!"


raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

sure there are lots of things i hate, although i would still maintain not to be a hater to the degree that some people (cb) contend. there are also lots of things i really love. so i thought i would make a list of them and not just because i know you all are dying to know these things about me. because i am so down about work. as in there is so much of it and no matter how much time i spend on it, there is more to do. which might lead you to think 'why is she writing this blog, when she has so much to do.' well, i'll tell you...i have to do something to bring the stress level down to a point where i can actually be constructive.

things i love (in no particular order)....
1. celebrity gossips (oh hells yes...)
i can't really explain why, it really shouldn't be that enjoyable watching people train wreck...maybe i just like to watch...

2. watching the hills
-especially when lisa love/amy astley/kelly cutrone are on...i like to watch people who are really skilled at handling their business; and also i can watch it and not think about anything AT ALL...or i can watch it and read at the same time which is always good

3. the lavender earl grey at the coffee shop on
mclean (cafe whatever...)
-i've been getting it every night on my way home from work. i'm at the point with stress right now that if i want something i just get it. if it makes me feel even a little bit better for just two seconds...i love lavender flavored anything actually... panne cotta...creme brulee...ice cream...

lebanese food
-big ups to al rayan...if they weren't there i would starve to death...even if the old man there is a total misogynist, i will continue to eat their delicious shawarma....

5. lush beauty products
-all of them. the best ever...just try them and see...

6. ipod
-at first i was sort of intimidated by the ipod...it's like this little tiny computer...crazy...so it sat in the box for like two months...i didn't even take it out...now i can't stop using it...i heart ipod...

7. going to the opera
-i just love it so. you get to dress up. and immerse yourself in tragedy.

-if i could just travel around to new places all the time, i would be the happiest girl in the world. i love to go places where i've never been before. i like the mystery of it. new food. new people. new smells. all of it. as cliched as that may be.

9. champagne
-it isn't just for special occasions...but you can feel like you're having a special occasion when you drink it. even if you are all by yourself...that's another story i guess...

10. london
-the greatest city in the world. seriously. particularly the greenwich meridian which was my favorite place in all of london.

11. curry
-indian. thai. sri lankan. indonesian. whatevs. just as long as it is really, really hot.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

i heart the hills

and speaking of louis vuitton carrying fuck-ups...

i resisted for a long time. gave many a self-righteous, marxist inspired rant about the sort of economic structure (the kind which is currently imploding as we speak) that created this kind of useless class of persons and blah blah blah...

but i gotta say you guys...i heart the hills. fuck what you heard about this show, after watching it for like ten minutes my mind is completely and comfortably numb. a total blank. which for me right now feels really nice.

and fuck a recession...apparently it's all good out west. and on that note, who knew manifest destiny would be making such a huge comeback in the 21st century? i guess then same people that knew it would be the stylish thing to dress like one of the golden girls. funny how all of these people seem to live in LA...

anyways...last night after being in a hot office for like fourteen hours and making a frighteningly small amount of progress, i saw what had to be THE BEST EPISODE EVER.

for real. it is called "a night at the opera." in this episode, audrina, the really thin one with an obscene breast job (no, not heidi. heidi is the blond. audrina's the red head), sees her boyfriend justin bobby making out with a girl at the bar where every character featured on the show has happened to converge. not only does she see it, WE ALL SEE IT. IT IS A TELEVISION SHOW. THAT MEANS THEY FILM IT. (spoken really slowly and loudly, like the way dickish americans speak to foreign persons). i speak this way because while we all totally get it, justin bobby doesn't get it at all.

so audrina confronts justin bobby. and he basically tells her that she hallucinated the whole thing. she's all like like "but i saw you." and he's all like "you saw what you wanted to see." riiiight. because what you want to see is your boyfriend making out with/groping another girl at the table next you, while all your friends and everybody else in america watches.

not to be deterred, audrina counters with the obvious "but my friends saw you." at which point justin bobby (who the fuck would want people to call them this anyway???), basically explains that audrina's friends are all haters so of course they confirmed her negative visual hallucination. because he didn't do it.

so awesome. this is my new defense for everything. it's all in YOUR head. and i've got the edge because ain't no one filming my life. it really is my picture of reality against yours. prepare to do battle, suckers.

Monday, March 9, 2009

a handbag for genocide

there are lots o' ways to make a statement, fashion being one of them. let's say i want to make the statement that i am complicit in genocide. what handbag would appropriately convey this message...hmmm...oh THAT's right, louis vuitton.

there are many ways to explore this, but let's start recently and work our way back, shall we?

in 2008, artist nadia plesner created an image that juxtaposed contemporary media interests with imagery from darfur as part of the "artists for darfur" project. you can see her artist statement here. the image looked a little something like the above.

the kind souls at louis vuitton felt that this infringed on their artist's (who happened to be marc jacobs and Takashi Murakami, in this case) "intellectual property rights," and decided to penalize nadia plesner to the tune of apx $20k PER DAY until she stopped using the above image. she also gets fined additionally every time she mentions their name on her website.

"This issue is about the brand and core values of Louis Vuitton which we need to protect."
(victoria weld, louis vuitton spokesperson, as quoted by abc news. see story here )

how very interesting that core values should come up here. i and anybody else with a conscience certainly understand not wanting to be associated with genocide.

really, louis vuitton? really?
because it has been alleged that during the 1930's, your company wasn't at all particular about being associated with genocide. in fact, it has been contended that they made direct and deliberate associations with vichy france for sake of business. at a time when businesses were being shut down in paris, they were allowed to remain open. (for more on this see here and here).

these allegations arose a part of stephanie bonvicini's biography of louis vuitton entitled "louis vuitton: a french saga." interestingly enough she had the full cooperation of the company until she began investigating their wartime activity, at first innocuously, at which point she maintains that the company ceased cooperation, telling her that all records of that time period were "lost in a fire."
the company never denied the allegations of collaboration, but instead offered this statement:
"This is ancient history. The book covers a period when it was family-run and long before it became part of LVMH. We are diverse, tolerant and all the things a modern company should be."

(for full story and quotes, see kim willsher's article for the guardian, in 2004, "Louis Vuitton's links with Vichy regime exposed")

this means that the louis vuitton company actively collaborated with the vichy regime, and by proxy the nazi regime, FOR MONEY.
so their brand name could survive. a fucking BRAND NAME. as if i need to spell that out for my readers, of all people.

and let me also address the above statement by simply saying that to those people that were victims of the holocaust, those that lost family and loved ones in the holocaust, and those that bore the brunt of the government's actions in occupied france during wwII, this is not just "ancient history."

genocide is happening again.
in africa.
as we speak.
it is getting worse with each passing day . that is the reality if it. and rather than take the opportunity to connect the past with the present and possibly atone for mistakes made to preserve it's precious name, louis vuitton chooses to shut down a fundraising effort that had raised almost $30,000 dollars for victims of genocide. when all they had to do was, at the very least, ignore the campaign.

if these allegations are true, shame on you louis vuitton. and shame on everyone that supports this company. you are complicit.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

happy international women's day

indeed. special shout outs to judith butler, simone de beauvoir, sally merry engle, sherry b. ortner, alison dundes renteln, j. ann tickner, cynthia enloe, ruth ginsburg, and myself (this is the vanity project after all) for being especially awesome women. there are many more names that could go on this list but i am on a TON of allergy medication to even be able to sit at this desk, so only the most super awesome come to mind.

also, a very special shout out to cb over at bfk. an extra- super supporter of all things feminist even though he is not a woman himself.
no, cb, i am not mocking you. just giving you props for being sensitive and dedicated to the struggle of women.

and just as i was about to raise a glass in celebration of women everywhere*, i was directed to this article "Drink a Day Poses Risk For Women" as part of the global issues highlighted by yahoo!'s celebratory site. i'm also wondering how many years you have to have stopped this practice for it to still be applicable in terms of threat posed. i mean, if it's already too late...

i, as usual, digress. happy international women's day to you all and to all a good night.

*i am speaking wistfully here. as noted, i am very doped up on allergy meds and alcohol combined with this might kill me. i am also trying very hard to work on thesis.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

i'm not a hater...

i just judge a lot. it's who i am. i take things in and i spit out criticism. constantly.

this is in response to cb, who now feels he is to be addressed as "dr. cb." apparently he also feels that i'm a hater because i wouldn't knowingly date a republican.* not on a plane. not on a train. not ever.

how could i date someone that supports a political party that systematically disinfranchises roughly 98% of the population? or that deep down feels that i don't have the right to choose what happens to my own body? or whose agendas to regulate public morality through discriminatory policy are driven by sinister freudian self-loathing?

i don't care how nice you seem. how much money you have. or how good looking you are. come to think of it, though, i can't really think of any attractive republicans. mostly because they're all crusty old men. think dick cheney or bob dole. there are, however, lots of hot democrats. i'm thinking kennedy,john kerry, or obama on this one.

but i digress...the point is there isn't anything that can atone for a fundamentally fucked value system.

riddle me this dr. cb, is a hater of hate really a hater?

*no it is not capitalized here. on purpose. to bother you. this is NOT academia and everyone knows who/what i'm talking about.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

would you date this woman:

you would? really? how not surprising...

how about now?

well too bad, fucko, cause she doesn't want to date you. the reason i bring this up is not to engage in a discussion of gender stereotyping, which would be way too easy considering we're discussing someone who refers to her blog as a "blogette," but because i happened upon an article entitled "Looking for Mr. Far Right," by meghan mccain. you can judge me for judging her, but she opened the door for that when she wrote this lame article.

that's right. just when we all recovering from the nausea induced by campaign overexposure 2008, mccain's super (yes, this is the qualifier of the day, c.b.) barbieliscious daughter brings us a heartfelt op-ed piece detailing how "the election killed my personal life," which details how said election has also "destroyed my ability and desire to date."

well suck it up, sister. the loss you took in your personal life is a sacrifice i am all too prepared to make as it doesn't even compare to the loss we all would have had to take had you father actually been elected. for instance, the continued progressive loss of our right to choose reproductive freedom. the loss of any chance at neutralizing the threat of islamic jihad (not neutralize in the "24" sense in which you seek out and destroy militants, but working towards a peaceful reconciliation). or how about the loss of our unradiated chromosomes due to nuclear holocaust.
the list goes on and on...

apparently she is turned off by both obama supporters (who i really feel have NO desire to date her whatsoever, so no worries there) and also by her father's loyal minions, one of whom wanted her to wear pearls and be his "cindy." -shudder-
the mind reels.

interestingly enough, in traipsing the slippery slope that is the unavoidable contact between friendship and politics, lady mccain also acknowledged that she "would have probably graduated from Columbia friendless had I made politics a focal point in any of my friendships during college."
hmmmm...i'm not sure which is more astonishing, the fact that she actually made friends in college or the fact that she went to columbia.

after reading this article i think what i really came away with was the fundamental difference between republicans and democrats. i don't have republican friends. i do have republican family, but you can't choose them. you can however choose to limit contact with them. and i do.

sugarcoat it all you like. being and voting republican is indicative of an overall character flaw.
the contemporary conservative agenda is simply incompatible with who i am. and that is someone that values freedom of lifestyle choice and endorses correcting the social inequities caused by the unjust manipulation of the market. and in brief, i am not a hater.

if i were to be somehow suckered into a date with a secret republican, trust me, when i found out, that date would be OVER.

and no heidi montag look alike will convince me any different.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

happiness is deconstruction

my sister brought it to my attention that my blog keeps getting more and more depressing. well, you should try living it. it's harder than you think to come up with blog topics.

that self indulgent moment aside, i thought i might take you all to my happy place. actually i don't know if you really call it a happy place (that just sounds creepy and weird), but it is a haven from my otherwise stress deluged daily routine.

i resign myself at this point to the knowledge that i can never again listen to music, read a book, or do anything else for that matter without intensely deconstructing and critiquing what it is that i am consuming. while this is arduous in regards to academia, it is satisfying in day to day life and double true for seemingly inane material like celebrity gossips. i just can't stop myself.

if there is anything in particular you the reader would like to see deconstructed. let me know. you can also suggest what perspective you would like to see the deconstruction take place from. right now i am especially skilled at deconstructing the writing of bret easton ellis and mickey avalon lyrics. what can i say, i have a thing for american nihilism, which seems to be the LA scene's contribution to the collective american narrative.

i must qualify the above statement, easton ellis comes off as blatantly nihilist but then explicitly claims not to be. and mickey avalon comes off as a nihilist upon superficial consideration of his work, but i don't think he is in actuality. he just fails to address the nihilist implications of what he is saying either way. part of this rests in his tenuous and insufficient conceptualization of freedom.

yes. these are the things i think about in between thesis and everything alse.
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