Thursday, December 31, 2009

the sky is a hazy shade of winter

but not in southern california. it was ridiculously nice here today. in the seventies. i got lost in anaheim looking for the lush store. the upside, however, is that now i know where all points of interest are in that area. and i know exactly how to get to disneyland. it was totally worth it as now i have good shampoo, face wash, and soap with which to start the year. because there's no better way to start the new year than with beautiful skin and voluminous, fresh smelling hair.

and speaking of which, since everyone and their fucking mother is writing about the new year, i suppose i might as well join in. i guess this is part one. the part where i mention the high and lowlights of 2009. not for the world in general, but for me.

some good things that happened...

i moved to southern california. mostly i finally got to los angeles. i've been waiting my whole life to come to LA, because i knew that it is where i belonged. i don't live there, unfortunately. but i live close enough to go pretty much whenever i want. along with living near LA, i get to eat really great food all the time, of whatever ethnicity i prefer. i can get tres leches whenever i want.

also in connection with with moving, i met andrea who is like the best, most fun friend that anyone ever had. and she took me to see mexican institute of sound. which is important, because i thought electronic music was pretty much dead. i was so wrong. going to that party was one of the best things i did all year. it just goes to show that if you let someone with a flawless sense of aesthetic and an obscenely large record collection do what they want, you get some really fantastic music. (effectively invalidating cb's 9th decree for 2010)

i went to toronto. which was the best vaguely european city ever. i ate a lot of great food there. from blood sausage to papaya salad to korean barbecue. and i stayed in a really nice hotel. i love that. if i could just travel all the time, eating fantastic food and staying in new places i think i would be happiest.

i drove across the usa. we live in a beautiful country. i had no idea. i fell in love with the high plains.

mtv came out with 'jersey shore'. quite possibly the best show EVER.

AND i grew ten times more fabulous looking over the year. mostly because i gave up sugar and lost like forty pounds. i am not going to apologize for feeling good about myself. no matter how shallow it comes off. i am not going to be one of those people that just lets themselves go. fuck that.

ok. so i don't really feel like going into the lowlights of the year. maybe tomorrow. for now i will leave you with a little known fact about canada that was one of my highlights of the year... a little know fact about canada is that they sell the best bras there. i know, right? i bought two. one i wear all the time and one i have been saving for a special occasion. but no special occasion has arisen, so i am wearing it tonight.

happy new year.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

bitch, please...

as in...

bitch,'ve got to fucking kidding me.

today was a series of unfortunate events as i made my way across the usa. actually, i'll be more specific, today was a series of unfortunate, unnecessary, and unhappy encounters with other travelers that turned what was an already stressful day into a ridiculously stressful day.

first...woman in the security line in ATL with the hideous hooker boots that didn't want to take them off. what the fuck is wrong with you?!?

to set the tone, security at the atlanta airport is typically more thorough than other places, even when there hasn't been an attempted terrorist attack within the last few days. usually it takes 15-20 minutes. with heightened security, it took like 45. there was a masssive line. they were doing full body scans. but whatever...that's their job.

so then this cougar looking woman tries to go through without taking off her stiletto knee high boots. so the security guy is like 'take them off'. and she's like 'do i really have to?' and it goes on like this for 2-3 minutes before she takes them off. all the time holding up the line of already edgy people trying to get to their flights.

let me just say to this woman what security was already thinking...bitch, please.

this isn't a new policy. they've only been making people do this since 2001. and you think today with an incident fresh in mind they're going to NOT make you take off those shoes? and just so you know, you should take them off anyway. because i don't care how much they cost, they're fucking ugly. you look like a pathetic, aging prostitute.

second, the woman at the chili's ariport bar that felt the drinks were overpriced...are you fucking stupid?

if you spent 10 years working as a bartender, as i suspect from your tone you did NOT, then you know that the price of a bottle of jim beam that you have such personal knowledge of is irrelevant at the airport. when it comes to drink prices in airport bars, all bets are off. at the very least, it's going to be double what you would normally pay. get fucking real. and trying to berate the poor corporate slave that is working the early morning shift into taking it off your tab just isn't cool. neither is stiffing her. it isn't her fault you're stupid AND cheap.

so let me just say to you what she couldn't...bitch, please.

and finally, to the woman whose baby screamed the whole way from phoenix to ontario...your lifestyle choice gave me a migraine.

you aren't included because your child cried. that happens. although it seems to always happen on flights that i'm on. are here because of your condescending tone and look when the drunk girl across the aisle from you was helping you get your bag from overhead storage and you said

'oh it's SO nice for someone to help for a change and not be annoyed that we're bringing a child on a flight. those kinds of people just don't like children and i feel so sorry for THEM. they just don't know what's really important in life.'

i don't even have to say it. you know how i feel about THAT.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

oh my god i hate flying....

i have to fly home tomorrow and i don't want to. i mean i want to go home (sort of), but i don't want to fly.

yes. i am that person clutching the arm rests like the fate of the plane depends on it. yes. i am the one gasping in horror every time the plane vibrates with anything that even remotely resembles turbulence. yes. i am the person hyper-ventilating before, during, and shortly after take off while making promises in her head to a god she doesn't even believe in that if she can just get off this flight she will be a better person and making promises to herself that she will just really go for life . and lately...yes. i am that girl staggering down the aisle reeking of vodka at 7:00 am.

to be honest, terrorism has been the least of my worries for a while now. although the supposed attempted bombing of late, has me a little freaked out. and not because i am afraid that i will actually get blown up, but because i know security is going to be a nightmare. because what they really care about is that people see them doing things that are intended to provide security. like going through people's personal belongings and searching suspicious looking persons. it's the illusion of security.

i don't think the guy from chistmas day was al qaida. unless al qaida is now in the practice of taking on incompetent nigerian princes to do their jihad work. really, al qaida? that fucking guy? it seemed more like a cry for help than an actual suicide bombing. like maybe we've all caught on that those masses of emails we get asking us to deposit money aren't on the level so now...he'll show us?

don't get me wrong. i'm super relieved that he didn't succeed. it gives me hope that if something like that happened someone,not me of course, but SOMEONE on the flight would take the appropriate action and i wouldn't die in a firey blaze.

wish me luck.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

just put your lips together and blow

you just never know what's going to happen in your life. with the new year fast approaching, i've been thinking that i've got to get my head right....think about things in a new way, perhaps.

i think a lot about how i thought my life would look at this point. but things don't always look a certain way. or happen a certain way.

take for instance the story of lauren bacall and humphrey bogart, considered by many to have one of the legendary relationships of all time. but it didn't start out that way. in her autobiography betty recounts going to see casablanca with her mother and aunt, both of whom thought that bogart was quite handsome, but betty herself was unimpressed.

years later, at the age of nineteen, lauren bacall was cast opposite humphrey bogart in the film to have and have not. which is what made me start thinking about this in the first place. i was watching it this morning, you see.

even when she met him for the first time on set, it wasn't this grand thing....

there was no clap of thunder, no lightening bolt, just a simple how-do-you-do. bogart was slighter than i imagined- five feet ten and a half, wearing his costume no-shape trousers, cotton shirt, and scarf around neck. nothing of import was said-we didn't stay long-but he seemed a friendly man.

and that was that.

it was through the course of filming that they fell in love. i think even bacall says something to the effect of she wasn't sure how it happened. they laughed a lot. they were friends. something just fell into place and all of the sudden he was the one. the only one.

there was nothing that attractive about the circumstances either. her was twenty-five years older than her. he was married. the director of the picture threatened to ruin her career before it even began. all of these things are huge red flags.

most people would have gotten out of there and never even tried. probably myself included. but maybe things don't always happen in the perfect way that are brought up to believe that they do. and i should perhaps be more open to people even when i don't feel that immediate, jolting connection. because i've felt that connection before and THAT hasn't gotten me anywhere.

of course you really have to be willing to put all your eggs in one basket and that takes a lot of confidence that things will work out in your favor. especially when all probabilities are against that even in the best of circumstances. lauren bacall was very brave to be able to do that throw all caution to the wind, even though it could have cost her the career she wanted so badly. even though to do so went against social norms.

of course she was nineteen. and it's much easier to do things like that when you're too young to fully comprehend the consequences of your actions.

but on the other hand, if you want something badly should go for it. otherwise...what's the point?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

i forgot how interesting i actually am

before i started grad school.... before i moved to california, leaving most of my earthly possessions packed in boxes in my parents' basement...when i used to work in a restaurant and party all the time...

before i had to spend every waking minute of my time reading things that are of no interest to me (or anybody else for that matter), i used to read a lot of things that are in fact quite interesting. i rediscovered this when i was looking for a book that i know i have somewhere and found all of these books that i read during the five years that i took off after i finished my undergrad and was trying to decide what i wanted to do with the rest of my life.

i went through this russian literature phase. tolstoy...chekhov...dostoevsky. especially dostoevsky. i remember reading crime and punishment, poor people, and notes from the underground. and chekhov's short story "misery", which has to be one of the best written expositions on grief and just pure anguish ever written.

And Iona turns round to tell them how his son died, but at that point the hunchback gives a faint sigh and announces that, thank God! they have arrived at last. After taking his twenty kopecks, Iona gazes for a long while after the revelers, who disappear into a dark entry. Again he is alone and again there is silence for him.... The misery which has been for a brief space eased comes back again and tears his heart more cruelly than ever. With a look of anxiety and suffering Iona's eyes stray restlessly among the crowds moving to and fro on both sides of the street: can he not find among those thousands someone who will listen to him? But the crowds flit by heedless of him and his misery.... His misery is immense, beyond all bounds. If Iona's heart were to burst and his misery to flow out, it would flood the whole world, it seems, but yet it is not seen. It has found a hiding-place in such an insignificant shell that one would not have found it with a candle by daylight....

i miss reading the russians. but i left all those books here. tonight i was cold. so i took a bath and read parts of poor people. it seems i'm always cold. when i lived with tb every time i complained of being cold he would say "it's your ice cold heart". but that's beside the point.

i also went through a harry crewes phase. i read almost all his books that were available in print, starting with a feast of snakes. two things on that subject....first, the main character (who is male in every story i read) always has a complete mental breakdown and there's always a female antagonist acting as the catalyst for this breakdown. and second, harry crewes just totally conveys the feeling of living in the deep south. the only person that comes close to him is flannery o'connor. oh...and on a side note...the documentary "searching for the wrong-eyed jesus" features an interview with harry crewes and it makes the whole thing worth seeing. he tells a story from his own autobiography (childhood: the biography of a place), which is one of my favorites...

along with the old hollywood (auto) biographies that i also read...lauren bacall, cheryl crane, susan hayward, montgomery clift...

i love (auto)biographies. aside from the old hollywood ones i also read (auto)biographies by an assortment of people. yevtushenko...eva peron...ross david burke (who wasn't famous, just a paranoid schizophrenic who wrote everything down before he overdosed)...andy warhol...

i read books about art (everything from warhol to bosch to man ray to maplethorpe to the wiener werkstatte).

and philosophy. i read schopenhauer...hesse...heidegger...buber...and so on.

i read everything i could. because i like to. and because i thought it would make me a well-rounded person. but no one ever discusses things of actual interest, so maybe it was kind of a waste now that i think about it.

and i went through my record collection tonight...i could talk about that for days...i miss having that more than the books.

what if I were smiling and running into your arms? would you see then what I see now?

i meant it when i said that i hope everyone gets exactly what they want for the holidays. i don't know if i did or not. i got good presents and everything, it isn't really about that. there isn't really anything i want to buy that would make me feel better

because after i wrote that, i started thinking. which i tend to do. especially when i'm high on cold medicine. oh yes...that H1N1 shot i was telling you about? i think it made me really sick. my mother says that there is no way that it could be the shot, but...whatevs. they don't even know what the side affects are. i have a fever. i'm all stiff, like every joint in my body hurts. i'm in a super huge amount of pain. my eyeballs feel like they are going to pop. i don't want to do anything.

i haven't been this sick in like two years. i even missed christmas with my family because i was so sick. i couldn't even get out of bed. but i feel a little bit better today.

and so i've taken all of this cold medicine and that just makes me super loopy. i don't know what it is about it, but it just makes me so weird. so all manner of thoughts pop in and out of my head. i rationalize things that are in many ways irreconcilable. i start to worry about things that make no sense.

and now i am writing a completely non-linear blog. but i read somewhere that neil young wrote "cowgirl in the sand" while in the grips of an extremely high fever and that is one of the greatest songs ever written so clearly insight can come from mental chaos/delusion. (russ, if you're reading this can you please confirm those details? thanks.)

oh...that's right...what is it that i want? i write on here a lot about relationships and how i can't make meaningful connections with people and so on and so forth, but do i really even want that? am i even capable of that?

do i really need that or is it only because i see everyone around me find that and i start to question why it is that i can't find even one person that is suitable to me. oh...let me qualify that, someone that is suitable to me and likes me back. that seems to be the tricky part.

because there are people that really know me and people who don't. the problem is that i know that people who really know me would never be foolish enough to want to be with me, because they can see how fucked up i really am. but then when i'm with the people that don't know me and do want to date me i am never really that comfortable with because i am always hiding who i am.

i takes a long time for people to get to know me, but i can tell within 30 seconds if i even want to bother with someone. maybe i am too picky. sometimes i think that i should just say 'yes' to the next person that asks me out whether i like them or not and just see. but then they do ask me and i just can't even bear to talk to them, much less go on a date with them.

i did try that before. and i ended up dating this guy for a few months. and i felt bad all the time. because i felt nothing. and he was trying so hard and he was so nice. all of the qualities that i had said that i wanted in someone else.

but i felt nothing.

so it's this great big ball of confusion. and the most fucked up thing is that i don't even know when i decided that i wanted any of this in the first place. i have always been happy by myself. and now all of the sudden, within the past year or so, i have become so incredibly lonely.

and i don't even know why. i've always just thrown myself into work. but now i'm not even happy with that. i just kind of always thought that things would sort of work themselves out, but they haven't at all.

and on top of's turning me into this super boring person. especially where my blog is concerned. i used to write about interesting things, but now it's just all feelings. the same ones over and over.

for that...i apologize.

but i have to get it out, you know? and i don't have anywhere else to put these feelings. and it seems that i have so many feelings right now. and nowhere to put them.

Friday, December 25, 2009

happy holidays to you all

to all you wonderful people out there in the dark, you 8-10 of my faithful readers...

i hope your holidays are fabulous and that you all get exactly what you want, both today and in the new year.

thanks for reading.

and maybe some more comments in 2010? maybe?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

vera-ellen was no showgirl

it's christmas eve.

and i don't even want to get out of bed. every joint in my body hurts. i know it's because of that H1N1 shot. i just want to sleep all day. seriously...i'm in so much pain right now. and my soul hurts on top of that.

but unfortunately that's not acceptable. i still have to go to the grocery store and the liquor store and cook a bunch more things.

actually, i already got out of bed. i ate breakfast and my mother was watching white christmas. this was always my favorite christmas movie. i think only because i hated it's a wonderful life SO much that this was a compromise that could be made in which my mother would be happy because we were watching a christmas movie and i would be happy because we weren't watching it's a wonderful life.

and i'm simultaneously in love with bing crosby and danny kaye. i don't care if bing was an alcoholic that was abusive to his children and danny was totally doing it with laurence olivier for like ten years. don't believe me? read the bio's.'s always something with everybody.

anyway what was really bothering me this morning was the minstrel show bit. first, that's some semi-racist shit right there. i say semi because at least they weren't in blackface. and it wasn't as bad as mickey rooney in breakfast at tiffany's, but still slightly inappropriate.

and i never noticed this before, but vera-ellen's dancing is so stilted and forced. i mean, she can dance, but it was like she couldn't feel it at all. maybe the anorexia was affecting her sense of rhythm. i'm not going to compare her to ginger rogers, because that's just not fair. but if you look at someone like, say, marilyn monroe who was just so graceful and perfect looking in everything she did...well...

i still like the movie most out of all the christmas movies, except maybe miracle on 34th st...but these were just some things i was noticing.

oooh...i think i hear my sister's car....merry christmas to all...hope you're not disappointed by not getting a warm and fuzzy christmas blog.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

excluded by fate

it's been like all about relationships in the horoscopes lately. today it was all like...

Your house of relationships has been pretty darned crowded for the past few days, and it's probably going to stay that way, at least until after the first of the year. Does this mean you'll be entertaining all kinds of amazing new companions? You bet it does. In the meantime, you may also have to decide what to do with the 'old' ones. Better choose fast. Someone is about to issue what might sound suspiciously like a lover's ultimatum.

really? REALLY?!?

usually only the romantic horoscopes mention relationships, but today the general horoscope was all about it. so i'm even left out of my own destiny? because my house of relationships is completely empty. mostly, as i am seeing, because i think i might prefer living alone.

an ultimatum...hmmmmmm...i wish that this someone would just get on with it. although i'm sure that i have no idea who that person could be, given that i don't know of anyone that has any interest in me whatsoever. seriously.

i'm willing to be surprised though...

busy hands...

are happy hands.

so i've been baking things like crazy. i've made three different kinds of chocolate candies. cherry chocolate fudge. irish cream fudge. balsamic chocolate truffles.

i've also been baking things that i don't normally do, like bread.

which is harder than you might think, but luckily my mother is here to help. and to take pictures of me baking...

i made stollen. with whole wheat flour and dried super oxident laden dried fruit. and candied lemon peel.

i haven't tried it yet, but the dough was delicious...

i also made a pumpkin-ricotta budino.
i've never liked pumkin pie and i think it's mostly because of the slimy...

but the flavor of pumpkin has kind of grown on me and budinos are really light because you fold beaten egg whites in to make it all airy, so we'll see.

baking requires a lot of concentration...or you end up over-mixing or something and then you have to throw the whole thing out and start again.

which has happened to me before. i really want to make a bouche de noel, but i've had so many bad experiences with sponge cake (especially last year) that i won't even try.


baking does allow me to not have to think for a while. and that's really what i'm after right now.

and i love food. the colors and textures and flavors.

isn't it beautiful?

and delicious looking?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

always something...

today my horoscope was all like...

You have a superior sense of intuition right now, which makes it pretty easy to guess what your friends, coworkers and relatives are thinking about just by looking at the expression on their faces. This is a good time to tap into your own subconscious as well, especially if you've been trying to work through a personal problem. Listen to what that little voice is telling you -- it's probably right.

and then my romantic horoscope was all like...

So your energy's a little scattered -- it's also rather excellent. You're like a lovely, all-encompassing haze of rose-colored goodness, and it makes you and those around you feel (and look) great.

what does that even mean? my inner voice tells me all kinds of things. mostly conflicting things. of course the street psychic in santa monica (the appalachian seer) told me my intuition is never wrong and i only get into trouble when i don't follow what?

Monday, December 21, 2009


i am now supposedly vaccinated against H1N1, though not necessarily because i wanted to be. my mother guilt tripped me into it.

i have a thing about vaccinations. no...i'm not one of those hippy types that believes in not vaccinating children against whatever awful things children get vaccinated against...i wouldn't know because i don't have children....polio or whatever.

but i don't really believe in getting them for myself unless necessary.

when i went to africa a few years ago, i absolutely got all required vaccines. because not only were there all these crazy things you could get like yellow fever, but because if you did get sick there were no doctors, at least not in the parts where i was.

you would think that with all my hypochondria, i would be the first person in line for the H1N1 shot. but...not so much. i just don't think they're good for you.

vaccinations make me sick. as soon as i got the flu shot, the whole left side of my body started hurting. my arm. my joints. my heart. now my head is pounding. i hope i don't have guillain-barré....because that's a concern. tb had it as a child.

i would normally NEVER get a flu shot. i never have before. but my mother seemed to take my opposition as a personal rejection of the gift of life she gave me. AND she threw in some super horrific stories of perfectly healthy people my age that got swine flu and went into respiratory failure and they can't intubate you and you die a horrible death that could have been prevented by a flu shot. so my fear of dying some freakish death that could have been prevented won out over my fear of getting an obscure syndrome.


Sunday, December 20, 2009

some much needed insensitivity

i went to hang out with tb this afternoon. i haven't seen him in a few months and our exchange went a little something like this...

tb: you look sensational.
me: not so much, really. i haven't even taken a shower or anything today...
tb: cheer up, look better than brittany murphy.

fucked up, insensitive, or whatever...he makes an excellent point. and before you make judgments about tb's sensitivity level, just know that he is devastated over the loss of brittany. he wouldn't let me say even one word about her limited acting ability.

tb's intention was not to make light of death, but to provide a reality check. which i need from time to time. or a lot of the time. maybe all the time, recently.

i have a lot of feelings that i am sorting through right now. and i don't know what to do with some of them. tb says that even though these feelings are uncomfortable and things might not be ideal in terms of what to do with them, at least it shows that i am capable of having feelings. at least i'm not the sociopath next door.

or fucking dead.

in fact, we spent a good part of the afternoon trying to figure out why we're still here and we came up with nothing.

it seems as though i've hit a crossroads. all of this death has made me want to live in a way that makes me happy, because otherwise what's the point? i might as well be dead already. and i'm not saying that to be overly dramatic or because i want to die (i don't).

but i don't know how to do it. i'll keep thinking on it, i suppose....

Saturday, December 19, 2009

don't tell me how to raise my....puppy.

a couple of months ago my uncle was jogging when he saw a blanket on the side of the road. something was moving inside it and when he looked he found this...

except she was much,much tinier. a newborn, in fact. her eyes weren't even open.

my mother bottle fed her. and took her to work with her everyday, wrapped in a blanket. she slept in a basket in my mother's office and all the ladies that work in the office would take turns carrying her around and feeding her.
just like a baby.

which really isn't that surprising considering that my mother works in an office full of other menopausal women. it all made perfect sense to me.

however, since i came home....the puppy is all about me. so i have have assumed all mothering duties. i might as well put my ticking biological clock to use. and it gives me something to do other than statistics. also, the puppy totally prefers me. to everyone.

i have already taught her to sit. which wasn't that hard, because she is super brilliant.

the only drawback is that my mother an i differ on issues of parenting. apparently i am way too strict. but if it were up to my mother, the puppy would do whatever it wanted, all the time.

i can see now that any actual grandchildren are going to be super spoiled. although, my mother did tell me last night while we were watching a miracle on 34th st that she had serious misgivings about letting my sisters and i believe santa claus because she thought it would be like lying to us. my father convinced her otherwise.

i had been down about having kids, but now i really think i could do it. at least i have some sort of nurturing instinct.

Friday, December 18, 2009

like a penny gingerbread horse

the first thing i heard this morning, other than snow, was the phone ringing. before seven. i couldn't hear the words, but i gathered from the tone that someone had died. and someone had. someone i had known since i was five, but hadn't seen in ten years.

i remember him mostly from when we were much younger. he was really funny and charming... and very good looking. or at least i thought so. he was five years older than me. and when i was a little girl i thought we would grow up and get married and then our families could hang out all the time.

it didn't quite work out that way.

i've made a lot of what might be called bad choices in my life. i don't regret them, but...sometimes even i'm surprised that i'm still here. for the most part, i can't explain it. and i definitely don't know what to do about it.

lately i've been very sad about a lot of things. my life doesn't look the way i thought that it would.

i'm unlucky at love. i can't make connections with people. because i am unable to express how i really feel. because i'm terrified. terrified that things will change for the worse and that i'll lose people. terrified that i might get what i want. and then what?

there are things i need to say, but i just can't.

here today large wet flakes of snow circle lazily and i find myself sunk in thought like potapov's horse.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

today i finally...

watched the movie american psycho. and let me just say this about that...

to start, i am a huge brett easton ellis...i would say fan, but that's not really right. admirer, maybe? i think he is the american novelist. or at least the modern american novelist.

ok...fine. if i made a list of american writers, at least people that really got it and really represented the american vibe to the fullest, it would be something like...flannery o'connor, j.d. salinger, tennesee williams, truman capote, harry crewes, brett easton ellis...and possibly chuck palahniuk. i'm on the fence about whether or not palahniuk should be on that list even though i do enjoy his work just because i don't know if he captures an american moment/situation the way the others do.

i also considered f. scott fitzgerald, but he mostly writes about americans outside of america... so i think he doesn't count for this list.

you know who isn't on the list? john steinbeck. i fucking hate reading steinbeck. especially the pearl.

it was reading less than zero that first really made me think about american nihilism, which i read somewhere that ellis rejects. it also made me want to move to LA. although i think that was not at all the point.

BUT...the problem with brett easton ellis novels is that they rarely translate well into movies. or should i say, the people making these films usually do really shitty job translating his books into movies.

case in point...less than zero. the film barely resembled the novel, playing out more like an after-school special about the dangers of drugs with a just-say-no theme than a novel that critically examined the utter absence of genuine emotion/value in modern america.

the exception, however, is the rules of attraction. although it doesn't completely capture the moral wasteland depicted in the book, it is a fucking good movie.

american psycho is somewhere in between. this movie and the book have been much maligned as a result of the extremely violent imagery. (i would reference things here but i'm too lazy....look it up yourself). honestly, the movie barely scratches the surface of what is described in the book.

oh..and a lot of feminists hate...i mean HATE it. because they feel it targets women as objects for violence. i just read this whole critique a few weeks ago. but i can't remember who wrote it, as i felt that the person who wrote it was clearly unfamiliar with brett easton ellis and the overarching themes of his work.

which brings me to why i never saw the movie in the first place....when it came out i was dating this guy and he and another friend of ours went to see it and he told me that it was terrible. which i could totally understand if you weren't familiar with either this or other books by brett easton ellis.

i think it really bothers people that they can't identify with the characters. in a way, i think you're not supposed to. if that's the case then easton ellis is perfectly justified in rejecting that he himself is a nihilist and asserting the moralist implications of his work...

but i suspect that just maybe they secretly do identify with these characters and THAT'S what really bothers people...

all i could do was cry

just like etta james.

today i intended to write about all the delicious things i am planning to bake for christmas. i'm visiting my parents for christmas and my mom is working a lot right now, so i basically have the kitchen to myself. and it's a really nice kitchen.

but i'm so incredibly sad. i've spent almost the whole day crying. i just can't stop. and now i just can't even get in to all the baking i was going to do.

i have mixed feelings about even discussing this here. but the reason i started this blog in the first place in relation to emotional issues was in the hope that maybe other people had those problems too, and if they read this they wouldn't feel so alone anymore. but i think it's mostly people that know me reading this. and those that don't know me probably just enjoy the train wreck aspect of it. i enjoy a good train wreck myself (that's why i read celebrity gossips), so please don't stop reading or anything like that. and start leaving me comments, because i really like that.

mostly i'm concerned about expressing all of this sadness, because i don't want people to see me that way. i write a lot on here about my inability to connect with other people. tb says that we both have this problem because we're realists and being in relationships necessarily requires the ability to lie to yourself and the other person. i think this goes a long with the idea that my standards might be too high. i am unable to overlook certain things and pretend they are all right.

i am also unable to keep certain things about myself, to myself. including the fact that i am burdened with an unshakable sadness. it's because i feel things like a thousand time stronger than most people. so i have, like, this crazy amount of empathy...but also a lot of sadness. i know everything is not going to be all right. because it rarely is. and no one wants to hear that. not even me. all i want is for someone to tell me that everything is going to be all right.

i've always been looking for someone that could love me even though i am, in fact hopelessly flawed, but i really think that just isn't possible. i'll never be kind enough, pretty enough, smart enough..or whatever to make up for that. i will never be enough. and i have tried. more than once. i'm just going to have to get better at hiding things. actually i am really good at hiding, i just stopped somewhere a long the way. because i thought that you should be honest about who you are. i think i need to go back to the days when i just kept those parts to myself. i might not have made meaningful connections, but i was never alone.

or maybe i should be alone.

etta james was onto something in the song to which the title of this song refers. in that song she sees the person she loves marry someone else. and all she could do was cry. she doesn't stop them. because sometimes if you really care about someone the kindest thing you can do is not interject yourself into their lives because you will only cause them a whole lot of pain when they find out how fucked up you really are. and they always find out.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

flying across country...existential crisis confronted and subverted....

every time i fly i confront death in my mind. i just know that the plane is going to crash. and that will be it for me.

they say they never really miss you til' you're dead or you're gone...

and i think about my funeral, my biggest regret about that being that i won't actually be there to appreciate the attention in person. i mean, i want to see the sadness and how much people miss me. complete desolation. that's what i want to see. i know that people console other people at funerals with the whole "they wouldn't want you to be sad/unhappy/crying..." bit, but fuck that. i want everyone to miss me.

but... at the same time, i want my funeral to be quite a time. i had planned they whole thing years ago, but tastes change and it might need some revision.

i realize that this might sound a bit odd, but you simply cannot leave this sort of thing up to bereaved family members. they are just going to do what they think makes them feel better. and i want them to do what i think will make them feel better and to also remember me properly. i live through strong associations of times, places and i don't want people to associate my life with something totally lame like...oh...i don't know...bad music or those nasty casserole type things that people bring you when someone in your family dies.

but that's a digression from what was actually the point of this entry...

on every flight during the first phase of emotion, anxiety, i find myself just sitting there wondering if it will be quick, like i won't know what hit me...or...if those last five minutes will be this horrible eternity. and in those final seconds/minutes is it total agony or do you just go into this zen-like state of acceptance where things just are?

then i enter this second phase of emotion where i like, totally embrace how my life is going to be if i can just live through his flight. i find myself say (to myself) that if the plane could just not crash, then i will just do things and not think so much about them because life is so short and it could be gone just like that. like i would just tell people all the things that i want to tell them, but don't out of shyness or whatever. actually, there are only few people that i would have things to say to. but i would just do it.

but then the plane lands and i go back to my normal self. in which i am unable to establish a meaningful connection with, well, anyone.

Monday, December 14, 2009

love means i'm not going to go even two seconds without touching you...

even in public. even at starbucks. even when there are other people who are trying to drink their coffee and start their day without feeling as though they are stuck in an after school special.

and by other people i mostly mean myself.

i got stuck next to that couple today at starbucks. i would have moved so that their incessant groping would have been out of my range of vision. but there were no other empty tables. it was like driving past a horrific accident on the freeway. you know the sight of carnage is going to send you spiraling into an existential crisis, but you just can't turn away...

and then i started to think about why it bothered me so much. seriously...what is it to me if you can't stop touching each other?

it isn't the act itself. or any kind of indecency therein. i'm not so prudish that physical displays of affection(?) offend me in a moral sense. not in the least.

so why am i more comfortable watching hard core porn than i am watching two people that probably actually have feelings for one another?

i suspect that i'm secretly scared that i'll never like anyone enough to let them touch me like that in public. or that no one will ever like me enough to want to.

which is depressing, i realize. so i started trying to think if there were anyone i knew now that i would make-out in public with. and, to my surprise, i did actually think of one. of course, this person is so fucking good looking that i would probably make-out with them anytime, anyplace.
but i actually really like them as a person too, and that's always a plus.

so that was a relief.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

that's what christmas means to me, my love...


it's getting to be that time. christmas time. the most un-wonderful time of the year. christmas music. hysteric shopping. forced family interaction (no, lauren and susannah i am not talking about you....). in fact, it is a lot of forced interaction of all kinds.


people start having all kind of parties. i went to one last night that was really fun. there were a lot of shots involved. A LOT of shots. and guitar hero. which i didn't play, but had a really good time watching other drunk people play. and it was beatles guitar hero. so at least the songs were good.

in a way, it was nice to go out even though parties stress me out. it's just so hard for me to talk to people right now.

but, come to think of it...what doesn't stress me out right now?

i've been really down lately. like really down. and i haven't been able to do anything fun, because there is no time for that. and when i do take five minutes out of my day to do something for myself like...oh, i don't a meal, i feel guilty the whole time because i have so many things to do.

and with the stress comes the ocd. it has been so bad for me lately. i get halfway to the bus stop and then i have to go back to my apartment because i think i left the door unlocked. or the stove on. or there's something else i have to check. because if i don't, it will ruin my day. i won't even be able to sit through class. which i'm barely able to do anyway, because i'm so unhappy all of the time.

and i don't know why. i should be the happiest person right now. i set a goal. and i accomplished it. but i'm not happy. i'm SO not happy. because i'm constantly plagued with the thought that i'm not doing the right thing. that i've made a huge mistake even trying to be in school. that i should be doing something else. that i've bet everything i have on a long shot and it isn't going to pay off.

i have hit a point of disintegration. and i don't know what to do. i need to find something to make me happy.

my mother asked me what i wanted for christmas. and i told her that i wanted a rich husband so that i don't have to do this anymore. which i couldn't believe i even said. because in that instant, i meant it 100%. i think it goes beyond money, though. i just want someone to take care of me. because right now, i can BARELY take care of myself.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

some more abstract thoughts

i'm really trying to make this work. i mean there has to be a way to help my brain.

i mean, i like abstract art. it really speaks to me. i went to a kandinski retrospective when i was 18 and it changed my life. i can totally feel mondrian. like feel it in my soul.

so...there must be some part of my brain that can appreciate artificially contrived relationships that connote the value of things in relation to other things.

because apparently that is what abstract thinking is, "the a process of constructing relationships between objects from a particular point of view" (Van Oers and Poland 2007, 13).

an concept can be described as abstract when "is not so much a reproduction of reality, but actually establishes a point of view that guides our thinking” (van Oers, 2001, p. 284). oh yes...i've been reading all about it. there just has to be a way for me to succeed at this endeavor. or at least not fail.

my present despondency might not be entirely my fault. consider garndner's multiple intelligences....i would guess that i fall in between visual-spacial (because i think in pictures) and interpersonal. gardner's point, it think, is that people learn differently and that it is a flaw of the educational process to expect that people can learn things is a standardized way.

and it is. because you get penalized for not being able to understand something that just isn't being presented to you in a way that you understand. and then people think you're not smart. or slow. or just not trying because you don't care. and then they rank you against other people who aren't succeeding because they are smarter than you, but only because they had the good fortune to be born with the type of brain that education caters to.

but i'm thinking that if i can just figure out how to approach statistics in a way that makes sense to me, then maybe i have a chance. i'm ok with doing this even though it means a lot of extra work for me, but i do resent the fact that i have to do it by myself.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

abstract confusion

statistics has gotten the best of me.... again.

i am trying so hard to understand numbers. but...


the way i learn is that i have to be able to relate things that i see to something that i've been taught.

x's and y's mean nothing to me. if a given equation or can be presented in multiple forms, then i need to know those forms. otherwise i cannot relate them to the appropriate concepts. CANNOT relate them.

i totally get that things might not look the same all the time in analysis and that i need to be aware of the different manifestations that things can take.

but unless i can relate the different appearances to the concept because i don't know that they can be expressed in a given fashion, then i will continue to be confused and, hence, continue to fail.

statistics is like a foreign language to me. the equations might as well be in mandarin. i am trying to improve myself. really hard.

apparently.... i need to learn to think more abstractly. that is what i was told. which is fine. i am ok with that.

but how?

apparently, however, there is not an answer for that.

i am ok with hard work. i understand that my brain is slower than most people. it takes me longer to do things than other people. i try to adjust for that.

if there is a book i can read or exercises i could do...fine. i'll do it.

i don't know who all reads my blog anymore. i know people read it that i don't know.

if ANYONE knows how i can teach myself to think this way...PLEASE tell me. i am begging you...

Sunday, December 6, 2009

the show is over

ok. so i'm trying to recover from my earlier freak out. so here's something funny from the mall...

modesty petals.....ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....

and another thing...

i have tried very hard to maintain a good attitude towards what i have to do right now. but when is enough enough?

i've always felt that it was totally unprofessional to let your personal problems interfere with your work. going to school is my job. but i'm just not performing the way i should. but i don't know how to do better right now.

i'm not quick enough. it takes me so much longer than other people to do simple things. there is literally so much going on in my head that i can't get make quiet. and the only thing that makes it quiet is medication. not exercise. not yoga. not having a hobby. (and i've tried all of these things)

but valium works.

because let's face it. i am a total fuck up.

i'm tired of the pretense. i'm tired of having to lie every time someone asks me how moving across the country was. i'm tired of having to lie every time someone asks me if i'm ok. i'm tired of crying ever morning before i go to school and then having to smile at people all day once i get there.

i'm tired of being alone. i'm tired of coming home to an empty apartment.

so basically, it's cost me apx $40,000 in personal debt to realize what my teachers in high school could (an did for the most part) have told me...i'm a total fuck up.

i think people can probably look at me and tell. and that's why i'm alone in the first place.


anytime you force me into a relationship with numbers it's just not a good scene. right now i feel like the life has literally been sucked out of my body. everything hurts. EVERYTHING.

while lying on the floor in front of my laptop, surrounded by papers, redoing the same equation for the 1000th time still not getting the right answer i've noticed some things...

movies are really awful lately. over the last two days, i've had the tv on for background noise. i've seen the following: mission impossible III (twice), the wedding planner (parts of), the sweetest thing.

what the fuck, hollywood?

either anyone (and i mean ANYONE) can get their film financed or the movie going public really is that stupid. i think it's a combination of both.

note to phillip seymour hoffman's character in mission impossible III... would it have been so hard to take tom cruise's character out? i can probably get another rabbit's foot (which you never even find out what it is after sitting through like three hours of gratuitous overacting and explosions), but you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble. and tom cruise annoys me.

the wedding planner...i didn't really get into so i couldn't tell you what happens.

the sweetest thing...was the the worst thing...i've EVER seen. they could make a new mission impossible every year for the rest of my life and that would be preferable. seriously. it set women back DECADES.

aside from bad movies...who knew tiger woods was so funny?

apparently some "friend" of his reports that he and tiger were talking and tiger was talking about going to zales and getting a kobe special.

we all know what that is.

except his "friend". when this friend asked tiger about this, tiger supposedly said "a house on a finger".

which, in my mentally weakened state, i thought was really funny.

but, note to tiger....they don't sell those at zales.

i guess this post really had no point, other than to illustrate my exhaustion with numbers right about now. i keep waiting for the gestalt switch when everything will be illuminate and statistics will make sense, but i don't think it's coming.

AND i'm sick of things getting changed around on me constantly. deadlines. plans. work. i'm tired of getting pushed into situations that create more work for myself, that are totally unnecessary and that fuck with my work schedule. and that technically i don't have to do, but can't say no to. or that more or less get pushed on you even though you are saying no in the politest possible way.

i need consistency. i need to be able to make my schedule and stick to that. without it, i am totally adrift and completely uncomfortable.

i need coffee. and a hug. and some fucking support.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

how much sugar does it take to make it through a statistics final?

as of yesterday? a whole box of orejas. and three paletas. and a coke. and some candy.

i hate math. statistics in particular. regression especially.

i'm going to go cry now.

Friday, December 4, 2009

we're going to need a bigger boat....

we're operating on a tight schedule today. but you have to eat.

so, at my suggestion we decided to try a new restaurant.


i ordered cerviche. andrea ordered catfish.

but we each ate both. it had to be that way. it was HUGE.

so full.....

right before we stopped.

wake the fuck up

note: yes. this is directed at a specific person. but, to my knowledge, they have never ever read my blog. not even when i invited them to.

things i am not to you...

1.) your go to girl when things are going wrong and you want someone to understand.
2.) your go to girl when things are going right and you want to share your good fortune.

because you seem to think that i am. but only when you want to share. i don't ever seem to recall you having and interest in things that were going right or wrong in my life. even when i made the effort to tell you.

i could have been that person for you. you know that. i know that. it was no secret about how i felt about you. i told you straight up. in plain language.

but you passed.

which is fine. because in that moment, i saw you for what you really are. you're not a bad person, just an incredibly weak one. it would never work, i'm way stronger than you.


there is no you and me. not anymore. that window of opportunity was open and you didn't go through it. so it's closed. locked. in fact, i don't even live there anymore so just stop.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

the moment i've not been waiting for

i woke up this morning and the sky was completely gray.


gray like the color my hair is turning.

that's right. i pulled my hair back this morning, only to notice that i think it is getting significantly lighter around my temples.

i have been trying to pretend that these area are just lightening up because of the sun here (my hair does that), but i don't think that it the case.

it isn't super obvious yet. you would only know if pulled my hair back a certain way. but i know that it is only a matter of time.

this is the beginning of the end. i am seriously not in my twenties anymore. i am closer to forty than to twenty.

i wish i could think of something funny to say. but i'm pretty far from laughing.

i'm going to go mourn the loss of my youth now. and what better way than with statistics? the very thing that has undoubtedly brought this on.

it's just you and i now, beta coefficients...


in order to understand how i came to be the way i am re: the overinflated sense of self that i project via this blog, it might be helpful to examine how i came to be this way. it has been a long process of trying to transcend the little to no self-esteem that i actually have. with a little help from my friends. consider the following conversation from a couple of days ago that i had with one of my oldest friends via facebook chat. i've known her since i was fourteen. this is a different friend than the one from a couple of blogs ago. actually we're all friends, but anyway...this should be illuminating...

g: oooh girl, every time i read your status it sounds worse and all right?

me: fine except i have to go try and discuss two articles of which i have NO IDEA what they are about in a meaningful fashion and not look stupid.. (it turns out no one did. which was the point.)

g: well you look fucking great....all thin and hot...

me: yes, but i don-

g: let's not lose sight of what's really important here.

me: you're so right on. but, i still just hate sounding lame in discussion...

g: fuck those have a phd in hotness...

me: ha!

g: which is interesting, because i'm doing my post-doc in that same area...

i'm sure you get the idea.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

LA= crazy delicious

let me take a moment to point out something really great about LA.

little ethiopia.

there are like 10-12 ethiopian restaurants in two blocks. you step on the block and it smells so unbelievably good.

it is awesome. before i leave here, i am going to eat at all of the restaurants there.

also there are like a thousand thai, indian, korean, armenian, etc restaurants that i also want to eat at.

that's the thing. you can get ANY kind of food you want here. ANY KIND.

and you know i like that.

pictured here is the ethiopian food andrea and i had last saturday at a place called messob. even the lamb tasted good...and i HATE lamb.

also pictured with the food is andrea. special thanks to her for taking all the great pictures of me around LA, so that i can indulge my vanity and post them here.
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