Wednesday, October 28, 2009

cougartown..where even courtney cox can get laid..

i don't actually have tv, but i enjoy it from time to time. lately, i really enjoy the novelas. so from 8-10, andrea and i watch en nombre del amor and sortilegio. which are perfect for my level of spanish. they are hard enough for me to work hard to understand the plot, but overly dramatic enough for me to get context. ok...ok so andrea has to translate a lot for me. but...when things get really intense (as things tend to do in novelas), they speak really slowly and in very simple sentences that even i can understand.

yes. things get out of hand quick on the novelas. at all times the probability is equivalent that you're going to see either a physical confrontation between family members or best friends over a mutually shared love or some really, really hot sex between people with secrets.

however, tonight i went to a place where the novelas seem like the most plausible explications of reality you could ever witness...cougartown.

fuck what anybody tells you about this show. don't bother watching it. the best way i can describe it is a harrowing exploration of the most played out gender roles imaginable. and it stars a tragically old looking courtney cox. as annoying as cox was on "friends", multiply that by like 25 and you approximate how painful this show is to watch.

i think the premise is something like 40 something gets divorced and starts trying to bag younger guys. mostly her college aged son's friends. she also drinks a lot and watches her weight by buying boxes of chocolates and sucking on them for (exactly) three seconds and spitting them out.

which was perhaps the most insulting part of the show. aside from the fact that the people who manufacture television think we're stupid enough to believe that courney cox's over surgically enhanced face (which looks like it is about to crack) and artificially gaunt body (which is stuffed into clothes that are at least twenty years too young for her) could EVER attract a young, hot guy. her performance is reminiscent of those moms you see on daytime talk shows that sleep with their daughter's boyfriends while everybody else in the neighborhood mocks them behind their backs.

so tragic.

so this is what we have to look forward to, ladies? seriously? compulsive plastic surgery and sucking on chocolates then spitting them out before the calories sink in?

fuck that. count me out.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

because, let's face it, being a genius just isn't enough these days...

ever think about what it would be like to to date a genius? i do. specifically, i think about whether or not positive attributes are zero sum.

let me first preface this with telling you all that i am super fucking picky when it come to people i date. or even people that i hang out with. ask anyone who knows me. when i meet people i have a multi-dimensional measurement scheme in place to evaluate them. AND thanks to my time spent working with data, i can do this in my head. in like less than two minutes.

you can call me judgmental, but hey, that's life. outside of transforming perceptions and experiences of the being-in the-world into judgments, there is nothing. i realize that this is a really poor sentence that mixes a wide array of philosophical arguments, but this is my down time and i don't feel like thinking that hard about justification right now. the point is everybody is judgmental. i'm just being up front about it.

so here's the question im getting at.... because i have this sliding scale of attractiveness, are positive attributes zero-sum? like... if you get really high marks in one area, then are you pretty much going to suck in another? the classic example would be looks and intelligence. typically, if you look really good, you probably aren't that smart.

for me personally, however, i perceive with my mind. if you are hot and stupid, that is not enough. you don't even look good to me anymore.

but back to geniuses. if you ever were thinking that maybe by dating a freakishly intelligent person meant sacrificing in the bedroom, as i do when i look at a lot of academics...think again.

i opened up twitter the other day to see the following post, curtosy of slavoj zizek...

What is the usual mistake of men apropos the practice of cunnilingus? "More, more!" is mistaken for a prompt to be rougher. You go faster.

this made my day. AND reaffirmed why i keep my twitter account open. AND demonstrated why zizek is the only guy over 40 that i would even consider dating. and provided the impetus for a really non-linear blog...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

listen up guys, part II

i really didn't think that i was going to being writing a follow up to the first listen up guys, but sadly guys keep right on demonstrating that the ways in which they can fuck up a simple interaction are infinite. sadly, all of the stories i relate on this blog are TRUE.

i know talking to girls can be intimidating and sometimes it's hard to know the right approach. fear not, i'm here to help you, and by default myself, through constructive critique of ways that will not work. so here we go again, back into the breach with some more helpful pointers.

1.) if you come to the bar with the intention of chatting up girls, leave your wedding ring at home. actually, if you are married you should just stay at home, period. you don't need to be picking up girls. because that's what being married means. i realize that i suffer, at times, from low self-esteem. BUT my sense of self is not so low that i need to expand my sample population of potential dates to include married men. trust me...i can have just as fucked up a relationship with a guy who's not married, while eliminating some unnecessary drama.

2.)and no. your wedding ring does not signal to me that because someone thought you were worth it, then you probably are. all it's signaling to me right now is that whoever that person is, they are a sucker. if you're fucking around on her, then what do i want with you?


get fucking real. it's not that "complicated." you are married. if your marriage was the complicated sham that you are perpetrating for the sake of your poor children, then you wouldn't have your ring on. unless you're trying to rely on #2. which isn't valid, as i have explained.

4.) when a girl tries to move away from you, possible because she really isn't interested in why your marriage is so complicated, it is NEVER ok for you to grab her so she can't leave. not even one time, much less three separate times. it's inappropriate. and a little scary. if you would put your hands on me like that, the first time you met me, in a bar full of people, then this doesn't bode well for the future.

so as you can see, things have gone from bad to worse on the meeting people front. i think i'll just get some cats and call it a night...

Friday, October 23, 2009

moment of come back...

this blog entry is dedicated to a very special person. the person who will most appreciate , and hopefully feel at least slightly validated by the following account. you know who you are.

so...ok. i have been trying to master statistical analysis for like three years now. and let me be clear that by 'master', i mean that i am trying to commit the most very basic principles of statistics to memory. however, this is no easy task for me, as it requires a total reconditioning of my brain which is just total chaos. seriously. most of my time is spent trying to just stay focused on what is going on, while my brain is thinking on no less than three different problems at a time. sometimes things overlap. this can either lead to a convergence which either results in moments of absolute clarity OR plunges me deeper into a swirling vortex of utter chaos. usually the latter. as you might have guessed, logic is not my strong suit. i also think in pictures, so that makes it twice as hard.

statistics is especially difficult, because it requires that you suspend pursuing this and that thought all over the place and develop a logical approach to the quantification of things.

this had amounted to a great deal of frustration on my part. the last time i took statistics i gave up (see here). this time, i don't have that luxury. so i have been working really, really hard to retrain my brain. this has amounted to a lot of work and a lot of tears.

but finally... i think that, ever so slowly... it might actually be working...and here's why:

last night i came home and wanted to eat some ice cream. to do so, i needed a utensil. because i live by myself, i am at liberty to eat straight from the carton. therefore i could use either a fork or a spoon to accomplish this.

i have a set of silverware in which there are 12 utensils. 4 knives, 4 spoons, and 4 forks. the utensils were located in either the sink, because they are dirty or the dish rack if they are clean. i'm sort of lazy about dishes, so they usually aren't in the drawer. i mean there's only 12 utensils total , so it isn't like my sink is full of dishes or anything like that.

if all the utensils are clean, i have a 2 out of 3 chance of selecting either a spoon or a fork from the drain. therefore, there is (i think) a probability of 0.667 that i will get either a spoon or a fork on my first selection. however, as i can see, most of the utensils are in the sink. there are 4 knives in the dish rack, though. plus one other utensil of which i cannot determine the classification.

here's where it gets exciting. as i reach for the unidentified utensil, my mind literally says

"what is the probability that this is a spoon?"

ok. so i can't just bust out the answer to this question, although i probably could if i sat down and worked it out. it would still take me a REALLY long time. it may never come easily to me. BUT i consider it a massive step forward that my mind even asked that question.


dear data,
i have been working really hard to improve myself. so that i can finally understand you. maybe sometime soon we can try again to correlate. but i can't do it alone.

that is all.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

i heart LA

so my last blog was hyper-critical. actually many of my blogs are hyper-critical. i have been trained/conditioned to be this way and sometimes i can't turn it off.

for the good news...i am in love.

and not with any of the "not gay" guys that have been approaching me in bars lately. before i proceed, i should explain the prior statement. the last three guys that i have talked to/have approached in a social situation have approached me by basically being like "hi. i'm [insert name here]. i'm NOT gay. can i get your number?" which is a shame (for them), because the only reason i was talking to them at all was because i thought they were gay. i realize that it is because i am so fabulous that gay guys are naturally attracted to me. but on the flip side, does that also mean that straight guys are repelled by fabulousness? is it so awful to straight men for a girl to have an impeccable sense of aesthetic, be highly educated, and also fairly attractive? (i use 'fairly' here because honestly, i'm not the prettiest girl in the world, BUT i might be the prettiest girl in the room, depending on the room). i'm also VERY interesting and can converse on a wide range topics. celebrity gossips, art, philosophy...whatever. try me.

this is all very much not to the point. this post is starting to sound like a bad personal ad...

the point is, that i'm not in love with a guy at all. i'm in love with the city of los angeles. and, by default, southern california generally. i just moved out from the east coast, so there are some things that i am super excited about.

1.) tres leches

this is my FAVORITE desert ever. in memphis, there was a bakery where i could get it, but it wasn't very good. now the grocery store near my house has super good tres leches on sale for $1.49. every day.

2.) bird of paradise.

my favorite plant. they're all over the place here. there is one at the starbuck's where i go. i like to sit next to it in the morning while i do statistics. actually, i like all the tropical foliage. cacti and all.

3.) the LA skyline

ok. so i don't get to see it all the time, because i live like an hour outside of LA. but it is super beautiful.

4.) the weather

it just doesn't get that cold here. if it gets below 80, people put on sweaters. i am sick of winter. who needs it?

5.) EVERYBODY speaks spanish

i love to listen to people speak spanish. i am trying to learn, but so far the burden of this has fallen upon my friend andrea who has to help me translate everything because i found out that google translate lies. A LOT. i am trying though.
my first sentence:

Odio estadisticas.

basically...fuck nyc. LA is the greatest city in america. the vibe here is lovely. the weather is great. and they have the best cake. if you can't be in europe, be in LA.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

good morning good morning good morning

ever since i moved to california, i have been feeling like starbucks and the coffee bean and tea leaf are engaged in this epic battle for my soul. or at least my coffee money. here's an illustration of a few reasons why coffee bean and tea leaf is winning at the moment...

starbucks has this thing now where every time someone comes in the door or if people are just standing there in general, the people that work there are like "good morning" or "hello" or whatever time appropriate greeting is called for. even though i don't care to be engaged before coffee, i just let it go because i'm sure that there are corporate edicts that mandate this. i worked in the "hospitality" industry for long enough to have been compelled to do some really lame things for money. most of those, however, were things like wearing low cut shirts and pretending to give a fuck (generally speaking) all with a smile on my face. the upside to this is that i can keep a smile on my face through just about any unpleasant situation. which is a huge advantage when dealing with academics.

on a side note, though, the barrage of greetings are really disorienting for me in the morning. and mornings here in california are disorienting enough given the current 1980's fashion revival. and not even the decent part of the 80's (like leg warmers, for instance), but like, the MOST heinous parts. i'm talking bright neon and garish patterns. and all these people go to starbucks, which you would think they would reject along with a sense of aesthetic, but not so much. in my pre-coffee stupor, i mostly feel like i'm having an acid flashback to 1985. i get all panicky and start thinking oh fuck...where am i...where am i...

oh that's right. at starbucks.

and here's what i'm getting to... in addition to all of these things...the fucking music. right now at starbucks, you have a choice between three cd's. any one of which might be playing when you need coffee. the first is this "concept" album by pete yorn and...wait for it...scarlett johannson. the concept obviously being that pete yorn needed some cash on the quick and called up the only hot actress so deluded by her own ego that she would agree to be part of such an ill-fated endeavor. the concept goes something like this he's the maestro, she's the movie star... yeah. i stopped reading after that.

69 love songs by magnetic fields. now THAT was a concept album. perhaps the best ever at expressing the agony of love. pete and scarlett sing about being famous and breaking up is something no one should have to hear. especially when they've just woken up.

the second choice is michael buble. he sings about the same things (love or what have you). but even more whinier. i don't even have the energy to go into why this album is an abomination. you'll just have to take my word for it.

the third option is barbara streisand. but not vintage streisand. new streisand. but old. she sings standards. but under the direction of diana krall. yeah...i don't know either. however... in this case and despite the fact that she's no judy garland (or even rosemary clooney)... babs comes out on top because i have a soft spot for classics. except that this album is NEVER playing. it's always the first option.

sigh. i know you're thinking that i should either go somewhere else (coffee bean) or even make my coffee at home and avoid the corporate web...but then i'd have to make my own coffee. and that's just not happening. mostly because i don't have a coffee pot. but also because it's just one more thing for me to do in the morning. and i am all about simplifying my life.

oh wait...and i'm kind of ocd.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

listen up guys...

approaching girls in public places to chat them up is all well and good. in fact, it's great. BUT, and i cannot emphasize this enough, if you are going to do so you need to get your game right. it seems, after a rather odd night out, that this is a huge problem facing guys today. however, the following pointers should help you out.

1. if you see that the girl's drink is empty, get her another one. or at least offer. a good cue for this is when you can hear the ice cubes clinking together. or when she FINALLY lets the waiter take the glass and then sits there for like 10min with nothing to drink. don't wait until at last she goes to the bar for her own drink and then ask her friend if SHE wants anything else.

2. don't try get into detail about a girl's sex life the first time you meet her. it's creepy and weird.

3. for the love of god, if you ask a girl what she does and you learn that she is getting her phd in a certain subject or concentrates in a certain subject area (let's say it's philosophy), DON'T try to engage her in a heavy debate on this subject unless your education/experience is comparable. you'll only end up looking stupid.

4. know when to walk away. a good rule of thumb is to always leave people wanting more. do not attach yourself like a parasite until the only way the girl can get away from you is to make up some excuse, pry herself from your creepy clutches, and go home. chat for a bit and then move to a different part of the room. UNLESS it is going exceptionally well. but, if there becomes a time when there is no more to say, move on.

5. it doesn't matter what you might see on tv/read in magazines, that "sensitive (fem) guy" thing is NOT, i repeat, NOT attractive. if i wanted to date a girl, i would. and it would be a much hotter girl than you.

*this is an illustrative list. it is in NO WAY exhaustive.
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