Tuesday, October 28, 2008

the mean reds

it's been awhile since i've had a chance to blog. in fact i really don't have time to blog now, but thanks to my sister lauren who apparently misses my posts and because i am a hopeless procrastinator, i am taking the time now.

today i am sad. actually i don't know if sad is exactly the right word. it's kind of like sad/discouraged/annoyed /exasperated /apathetic all at the same time.

i'm sad because i spent the better part of my weekend studying for a statistics exam that i think i probably failed. the defeat i felt after taking this exam regressed me back into my past failures at math and made me wonder why i thought this time would be different. i did every practice problem i could find. this includes the ones in the book and a bunch online. didn't matter. guess i better hurry up and send out my transcripts before this semester is over.

i'm sad because i can't drink and be on the south beach diet simultaneously. i found this out the hard way when i passed out at the bar the other night when i decided to drink after going without carbs or sugar for two weeks. and in front of people i know professionally, no less. i don't think it's fair that i have to choose between being thin and being drunk.

i'm sad because i think the root of my socialist beliefs is an incredible bitterness about having to work 16 hour days, while other people lounge about. spare me the lecture about how money can't buy happiness. whoever said that shit was obviously rich. i can think of like a thousand things (at least) that i could buy right now that would make me happy. also, being able to go to school because i love knowledge and not as a path to financial security would make me pretty fucking happy right now.


Monday, October 13, 2008

hooked on the white stuff

having surrendered most of the vices that ruled my formative years, it was with shock and dismay that i discovered a secret addiction that i didn't even know i had.

hello, my name is mandy, and i'm a sugar addict.
(for all of you who grew up in the tidewater area, cue pachelbel's canon in d and consider today my new beginning)

this foray into self awareness began innocuously enough. i started the south bitch diet because i wanted to lose ten pounds the quick way. having already written about my conflicting feelings concerning weight loss, i can now with all sincerity attribute my original impulse to three things:

1. watching "the hills"
2. reading us weekly
3. applying to graduate schools in l.a.

spare me the learning to love yourself lecture. it's really the third thing that's doing it. i've heard from more than one person that in order to live in l.a. you need really high self esteem (this was confirmed by the first two things). self-esteem is really not one of my strong points, but the schools are really good there...so i was thinking that by going on this diet i could not only jump start my metabolism but my self-esteem as well.

but i digress. so i started south bitch yesterday and the first phase drastically reduces sugar intake. basically you aren't eating anything that has sugar added and the sugar that naturally occurs in foods is severely limited. i can honestly say that halfway through the day, despite the fact that i had eaten twice as much at than i would have normally eaten in an entire day, i would have stabbed someone in heart with a fork for a cookie/piece of cake/chocolate/etc. and i don't usually eat very many of these things to begin with. but i do ALWAYS start my day with a caramel macchiato. always. and i usually have at least one sweet thing throughout the course of the day, even if it is in a very small portion.

however you feel/i was feeling about this diet, at this point my motivation has changed. it's no longer about losing weight, but beating my sugar dependency. it freaks me out that i can't go ONE DAY without sugar (i did though). i mean going without cigarettes is easier and i used to smoke like two packs/day. sadly, i've all but given them up as well, although i still smoke on occasion.

i guess i'm just not ready to face a world without sugar OR cigarettes.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

if it kills me........(subtitle: have you hugged a marxist today?)

i will do the following two things:

1.) Lose Twenty Pounds.

let me just preface this conversation by stating that i'm NOT one of those garishly overweight (and by that i mean morbidly obese) people that try to pass off their unhealthy shape as "curvy."

but here's the thing i've been struggling with lately. i don't hate my body with clothes off, only with clothes on. with clothes off i look really great (even to me and i'm VERY hard on myself), but apparently the way my body is shaped is no longer in style. i have an hour glass figure. no really, i do. even according to the circa 1960 issue of cosmopolitan magazine with sandra dee on the cover, my measurements are perfectly proportioned. unfortunately for me the people that dominate the clothing industry are spiteful bitches that design clothes that either make me look pregnant or open for business.

for the most part, i blame this on the unfair characterization of my body type. it has become associated with the sex industry and the body type it asserts for women. this is not an indictment of the sex industry. as far as i'm concerned if people want to make their money in this way, so long as it is free of coercion, more power to them. but i don't have breast implants and i haven't altered my body in any way. i just happen to look this way naturally. there's nothing i can do about it. i think it makes people uncomfortable. the fact that they look at me and think about sex (i'm not just making an allegation here, i am basing this statement on the nature and the number of unsolicited remarks i get about my body).

i find it extremely unfair that i have to choose between looking pregnant or looking open for business. often i opt for open for business. actually i don't really feel like i look open for business, i see it reflected back to me by the looks of others. why should i look fat just to make you more comfortable?

so i'm going to lose twenty pounds and see what that does to my body shape. i even bought the south beach diet book, which i felt really weird about. i've always tried really hard to resist the standards enforced by other people. in one way i think that if doing this will make me happier, then why not? but on the other hand i feel like i'm endorsing a lifestyle that promotes unrealistic measures of evaluation.

2.)Educate People on the Appropriate Application of Marxist Theory

the next person that comes up to me an makes some unfounded, uneducated, and/or untrue assertion about marxism might very well get slapped in the head. ok fine i'm a pacifist, so this might not happen, but i will be imagining it in my head while you talk nonsense to me about obama's marxist beliefs. let's get it straight, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY. at least not in the way you or the other republicans are implying. i pretty much feel that if you haven't actually ever studied/read marx or marxist theorists, then you're out of your element.

and besides socialist/communist theory (marxist or otherwise) is about empowering people that have been unfairly exploited by the unjust manipulation of the market. so next time you're glad that you receive a fair wage...aren't forced to work 7 days/week for 18 hrs/day or else lose your job...have holidays off...don't have to start working in a factory at the age of 10...are allowed to form unions for collective bargaining purposes...don't owe your soul to the company store ...
if you are glad about ANY of these things...thank a marxist.
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