gambling for resurrection

there's an idea in international relations that, under certain circumstances, leaders are willing to incur the costs of war in a last ditch effort to save themselves.  if you apply this metaphorically, you can understand why i started therapy in the first place.

i've talked about the other a lot.  i've tried to put them behind me.  i tell myself that they are no longer relevant. that they are a non-motherfucking-factor in my life.  as an individual, they are.  but the psychic damage is still very much there.  i realized this as i sat hemorrhaging emotions all over someone the other night.  someone who didn't deserve it.  in a way, they had to absorb the break-up conversation that the other was too selfish to have with me.  and they did it.  as i sat there crying on their couch, they tried to comfort me.  it was a lost cause, but they tried.

back to therapy...one of the things that scared me, maybe permanently, was the constant criticism.  the way the other would always tell  me how fucked up i was.  how i needed help.  how there was this or that thing wrong with me.  i found a therapist because i thought if i did that they would stay with me.  that we could work it out.  i know this is stupid, but it's what i thought.

but, of course, this wasn't enough.  in fact, they were even critical of my therapist choice.  i see a freudian/lacanian and this person was hopelessly wed to the dsm-iv.  they never understood anything that wasn't clear cut.  they don't have the sensitivity or capacity to understand continental philosophy.

this is neither here nor there.  it isn't about being right.  it's about finding what works for you.  this person was so myopic in so many ways.  and it was always "the person that loves you will tell you the truth no matter what."

no.  the person that love you won't defect on you when you need them most.  they won't stop speaking to you when it's painful to them.  and then pretend it's in YOUR interest that they did this and not because they are an incredibly selfish, fucked up person themselves.

and then there was the person that didn't deserve it.  the thing is, they thought i was crying because of them.  and it was really because of all of these things that had already happened.

coordination over markets, bitches.

i have certain places that i go to get certain things.  i don't deviate.   it's because once you establish the transactional relationship and supplement that with pleasant (or at least consistent) interaction, then you will be able to get what you want much more efficiently.  i like that.  i also like consistency.

case in point:

yesterday i went to the chaat shop to buy some spicy cashews and spicy almonds.  basically, they cover the nuts with really hot indian spices and roast them.  they are one of my favorite things to eat. there are several chaat shops in my town.  i only ever go to this one, though.  it's because i like the lady who runs it.  she's very not into superficial pleasantries, not to mention the fact that there is a substantial language barrier between her and i.  don't get me wrong, her english is far better than my hindi will ever be, it's just we can't really have an extensive conversation.  she has, however, warmed to me over the past couple of years. 

anyway.  usually there aren't that many people in the shop and the people that are there are just getting snacks, so you don' really have to wait. yesterday, however, there were people full on grocery shopping.  first, i was waiting be hind this family that had their teenage son hold their place in line, while they were steadily adding an item after item at intervals of time.  just as the woman would get close to finishing ringing the items up, they would add three more. so that was just straight annoying.

during this time a line was forming behind me to the left of the register.  except for one woman, who felt that she would stand to the right of the register.  while it was hard to tell whether she or i was next in line, it was easy to tell that she felt that she was there first. whatever.  she only had two things, so...i really didn't care if she went first.  however, things started to get annoying as we got closer to the counter and she began a conversation in hindi with the woman behind me.  and then this woman uses this as an excuse to start edging me out of the line.  and she had a ton of things.  and they kept looking at me.  and edging me out of line.

so, finally, after a few (as in 10 or so) last minute additions, the never ending basket is emptied and paid for.  the women are still talking excitedly to each other in hindi in front of me. the woman behind the counter looks past them, at me, and is like "ma'am, you know what you want?"  which of course i do.  i paused for a second to give the other women a chance to say they were first, but they kept talking and i stepped between them to the counter.  i could tell that they weren't that happy about that, but there wasn't anything they could do. 

the woman behind the counter got my spicy cashews and  spicy almonds for me.  in separate bags.  just as i like them.  

"you like spicy," she remarked.  i do.  so very much. "ah, very good, very good," she replied.  we wished each other happy weekend and i left.

i love her.

bb cream is the fucking truth

*not the bb cream i use

over the past year or so, i have become addicted to beauty products.  i think this partly because i try to make myself feel good by buying things that make me look good and partly because i am getting old (er).

i woke up one day and my pores are these gaping holes in my face, whereas before i never noticed them.  there are lines in my forehead.  when i pull my hair back to wash my face, there are grey hairs.  and not just one.  i'm scared i'm going to wake up one morning and find that i have become a silver fox overnight.



one product i have found to be amazing is bb cream.  i bought it without any idea that bb cream is actually its own thing.  i thought it was just the name of the stuff i bought.  after a little research, i found out that it is the secret of korean actresses.  this is how their skin looks like plastic.  it smooths lines, it corrects color, it moisturizes, it protects me from the sun's harmful rays (cause i bought one with spf 45).  it's like putting on another layer of skin.   

a big shout out to korea for giving the world something other than my worthless ex-boyfriend.

a uterus with legs

one of my sisters once worked for a woman who encouraged her to call in on the first day of her period, because women should only rest on that day.  i could not agree more.  sadly, however, the rest of the world hasn't quite caught up to this sort of progressive thinking.

so this last week has been beyond stupid.  cramps.  tears.  extreme fatigue.  and, the absolute worst...weight gain.

i'm starting to panic about my weight.  it's been really volatile the past week and half.  i'm up at least five pounds.  i was stressed when i stepped on the scale after a week only to see that my weight had shot up during the night after learning that (supposedly) the lightest you are in the whole month is on the day after your period stops.  but, as it turned out, my period wasn't over.  so...win-win?

  

on putting yourself in the place of the other

right now, i feel like the next person who asks me if i'm a mother is going to wish they hadn't.  i understand that mothers are super important.  you will find no stronger advocate of women's rights, especially in the areas of women's health and reproductive freedom.

all i'm saying is, think before you speak.  just for like ten seconds or so.  longer if you need more time.  but just think about the other person's feelings and the different emotions that they might be experiencing today, when everyone is going around celebrating a life decision that not everyone had made.  or even may have been able to make.

there are a lot of reasons that a person might not have children.  maybe they can't.  maybe they've tried and tried.  maybe they just terminated a pregnancy.  maybe their child died.  maybe they haven't met the right person to have children with yet. maybe she's waiting to adopt.  or maybe they just don't want them.

there are many reasons and they are all fine.

if you see a woman with children with her or it's someone you know who has kids, feel free to wish away.  i called my mom and my sister. but if you don't know someone's situation,  your well-intentioned wishes might be something very painful to to that woman.

the death of desire

i've heard it said that satisfaction in the death of desire.  but there are a lot of other things that can kill it too.  things like constant inefficiency of other people that hinder every. single. fucking. thing. that you have to do on a given day.  or just the general incompetency of other people.  or their lack of self-awareness.  or the mountain of debt that keeps growing and growing and growing, while you are made to do things that are unnecessary and cumbersome.

i went to see "jiro dreams of sushi."  it was every bit as good as i had hoped.  it also made me really sad. it was basically a documentary about what you have to do to be the very best at something.  you have to give your  whole self to it.  you have to devote your whole life to it.  and you can't complain.

it made me sad because i remember what it was like to love my job that much.  i remember what it was like to work in an environment where what mattered was how hard you worked.  now i feel like i work all the time and make no progress.  the only thing that happens is that i exhaust myself.  and then i start to hate everything.

and speaking of desire....

thursday was a very strange day.  i noticed that everywhere i went people were looking at me.  i went to eat dinner and the bartender remembered our entire conversation.  from a month ago.  he remembered what i study.  where i want to do fieldwork (if i even do).  that my parents were bummed about me potentially leaving the country.  he is very good looking, so i was very impressed.

then i went to the whole foods in hollywood.  i was looking at the shampoo and soap and i noticed that this guy was there every time i turned around.  finally i looked up, annoyed, and he said "i hope you don't find this offensive, but i think you are just gorgeous."  i started laughing.  no one ever says things like this to me, so i thought he was making fun of me.  he was also quite good looking (and i am not exaggerating). i point this out because it just isn't the same if the person who is telling you how you how great you isn't actually great themselves.  superficial compliments just mean more when the person saying them is attractive.

anyway....

then i was walking to my car and i was looking at my reflection and this completely different guy is allll "you look so pretty, what are you worried about?"  say what?

then i run into the first guy in the parking lot and he remarks that it probably seems as though he is following me and how he also hopes that he didn't offend me by saying how beautiful i was.  and i at that point i explained that no one ever says things like that to me and how i thought he was just making fun of me.  or something. and he assured me that wasn't the case.  and started telling me that i have beautiful eyes and great legs.

it was fucking trippy.  like the twilight zone.

(trying) to play it as it lays

i woke up this morning to the strangest sound.  in my mind i thought "listen to the leaves blow across the sidewalk," but then i realized that the leaves never really fall off the tree here except for the two days or so in late november when fall happens.  it's as if we have all fall in a day.

the sound i heard was rain.  it's rained a lot this year.  or at least it seems that way.

i decided to take the day off.  i decided this yesterday, before it started raining.  i have to go to LA anyway, so i decided to go early and see a movie.  i really want to see "jiro dreams of sushi" and i want to see it badly enough that i am going to drive out to the westside where i almost never go.  that's the only place it's playing though.  i just don't like going different places sometimes.

i do not thrive under conditions of uncertainty.  in fact, i really can't function at all.  people like to make this huge distinction between situations of risk and situations of uncertainty.  conceptually, the difference is totally real.  what is also totally real is that we created it.  we constantly try to force order onto chaos.

i would be happier if i resigned myself to the awkwardness of life. but i cannot.